Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 123: 4 Months Sober!

Wow, four months sober! Very cool.  I love that my sober day is 3/21 and I have 123 days today...just a funky coincidence but I find a little comfort in it.  Four months doesn't really seem like very long to me honestly, but when I think about how far I've come and how fast the time has been flying lately, it really is an accomplishment.

One of the biggest things I've noticed is that I am a lot less angry.  I used to be a little unpredictably explosive.  These outbursts were sort of like tantrums and I was ashamed of them but they just continued to occur.  There is nothing wrong with anger- it's healthy, of course.  I just felt like the things I'd get mad at were so useless and trivial.  I have seen a therapist a few times and she suggested perhaps these were things that were "safe" to let my anger out at.  I liked that explanation a lot...but it didn't stop them from cropping up.

The thing is, they hardly ever happen anymore!  Could be due to not drinking, could be due to continuing along through bereavement, could be both, who the heck knows- I like myself more now, though.

Just thought I'd share.  Still very busy with class and my tiny guy.  I value and appreciate the support I've received thus far on my journey.  Thank you so much.  Hope all are well and much love to you.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 110: First Sober Bar Experience- Done

Been on my first blog hiatus- I missed you, blog.  I have just been doing really well and studying a lot for a major test..somehow the days got away from me, which I guess is a good thing.  I loved blogging every day for my 100 days and I still intend to post but maybe not as frequently.  Feeling great about being at Day 110 today, although the gun violence in this country is so hard to understand.  I am so upset about the events in St. Paul, Baton Rouge, and Dallas.  It's like we are reliving the same situations over and over again.  I hate to be bleak but it feels hopeless here sometimes.

I want to keep this focused on booze/quitting booze however, so I thought I would share an experience I had last night- it involved going to a bar (!) and not drinking (!!!!!).  I met my good friend (the one I told early on about quitting drinking- she is awesome) at a trendyish coffee shop but we determined that they didn't have enough in the way of good eats for us.  We decided to go to this bar/restaurant (after my friend asked if it was okay with me- very kind of her and I told her I thought it would be fine- plus I was curious how I'd take it).  This place used to be somewhat of a hangout for boozy me.  So, we went there and immediately I had a feeling wash over me of, huh, not drinking, this is weird, a tiny bit of a drag.  A feeling of nostalgia for the many boisterous times there with friends.  And then, it struck me- I never actually liked the alcohol there.  In fact, I ALWAYS ended up feeling like crap after I drank there.  Their beer just never sat well with me (never stopped me, of course...sigh).  They brew their own and it's a little fancy and I guess my body just never learned how to process it (why should it learn- that is horrible!).  Not only that, I consciously reminded myself that alcohol is completely unnecessary to hang out with my friend.  I simply don't need it.  It's all about just spending time together, catching up, eating some good food, and hanging.  So my longing/urge faded very quickly.  It hadn't even been particularly strong though I acknowledged it did exist- probably a normal/expected amount of existence.  I was going to order something cool like lime and selzer but I just settled on good old Coca Cola.  Had two actually- got a little buzzed on caffeine.

My whole point with this ramblingness is that I conquered my first bar experience and it was completely fine.  I see time and again that my true trigger is grief and extremely dark feelings about the loss of my dad, but even then it really hasn't been anything that worried me or seriously tempted me besides the one major time early on.  So hooray!  Not planning to be hanging out in bars or anything but I enjoy being able to be flexible about where to hang with friends.  It will be interesting to go to a place that I loved drinking at.  I wonder if I'm ready.  Not rushing out there, that's for sure.  Really, my favorite place to drink was at home and that feels pretty conquered, so I am grateful for that.

Wishing all well who were involved in the recent events this week across the country.  Much love to you.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 103: Problem Drinker

I just finished reading Sober is the New Black, by Rachel Black.  Really great book!!  It's a quick read- left me wanting more.  Relate so much to the author's language and experiences with boozing/quitting booze.  Very cool woman, insightful, honest.  I loved it and highly recommend to those searching for a positive recovery book that isn't all about the "before"- there is some description here and there of "Then" and "Now", but it is largely a book documenting the first year of this gal's sobriety.  I'm not into the books that revolve around the debauchery of drinking- I want to read about the recovery experience.

While reading, I of course thought about my own habits and experiences.  I remembered other situations in which the event I was a part of revolved around alcohol (whether in my head only or for all involved).  It really makes me sad to think back to so many years of being consumed by wanting to catch a buzz (of some sort).  How did I get like that?  I never could stop.  Never learned how to stop.  Never cared to learn how to say "that's enough for me" or "no thanks".

There is a point in the book that the author talks about considering having a drink ("What's the big deal?") and then thinks about it further and understands that she will never be able to moderate.  That she had tried moderating for years and was unsuccessful, and in fact, got worse.  Why would she be able to take periods off, be able to take it or leave it, after having that one drink?  She would not be able to.  I am exactly the same way.  If I drank now, I see that it would lead to more drinking.  I wouldn't be able to have a drink at dinner tonight, then a drink in a month or 2, then a drink at the holidays, etc.  Why on earth would I think otherwise?  If I have one, I have instantly given myself permission to do it again.  I would be a drinker again.  It wouldn't be casual, even if I managed to convince myself it was.  Even if I literally did follow that "schedule" of a drink now, and then one again in weeks or months' time.  I would be miserable.  I would anxiously await the time I could drink again.  The time between would get shorter and shorter, and I would get more down on myself especially if I was failing at personal "goals", and then I would decide to drown the ole sorrows.  I can see it and it sucks.  I do not want to be that person anymore.

Not sure if this means I am coming closer to admitting I am an alcoholic.  I feel like saying, well what the heck else could I be??  I can't have "just one", I've had to abstain entirely, I blog about my experience GETTING SOBER, I have been to AA....what else is it going to take to admit it??

I think I hold back because I am a mother now.  It's weird logic, I know.  Before I had my son, if I would have gone into this phase of life (sober phase), I think I would be a lot more comfortable saying that I am an alcoholic, using that label, etc.  It affected only me.  But now I have my beautiful little dude, and being his mother, I feel like it makes me sound like less of a mother- maybe not less, but not as "good" of a mother.  It tarnishes it.  I know that's horrible to say, particularly because there are so many awesome moms out there who are self-proclaimed alcoholics or recovered alcoholics or what have you.  It's like you stop drinking and you immediately have a label forever...ALCOHOLIC!  ALCOHOLIC!  It's depressing, no?  I don't want to be 30 years sober and still call myself an alcoholic.  It seems so sad.  It's like, I was an alcoholic when I was drinking!  Now I am NOT one, because I have stopped!  Sigh.  Who knows.  I feel I am content with the label "problem drinker".  Maybe it's a cop out.  I feel like it's admitting I had/have a problem and can't drink like a "normal" person, but still doesn't carry the weight that "alcoholic" does.

Anyhoo- hope all are well :). Much love.