40 Days

Hello out there. Just want to share that it's Day 41 today so I officially have 40 full days under the old sober belt. I've had a lot of random, weird thoughts about drinking and not drinking, but through it all, no alcohol. It doesn't really seem like many days but I appreciate each of them and am not trying to diminish them.

Lately I've noticed some heightened feelings of confidence and self-respect, which I am so grateful for. Not confident like "I've got it now, I'm a sober pro!" (faaaar from it). Just a little bit more general confidence in myself, my judgment, my heart. It's nice.

I've been trying to make it a point to write a post each day documenting some moment or feeling, however brief. It's been really good for me and has been helping me stay that much more accountable. It has also been helpful in processing/releasing some of my grief. Sending much support to all in recovery, in bereavement, and in between.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.

Weekend Eve

Tired. No drinking. It's absolutely fine. Must be getting close to 40 days. I am doing it.

Tough

Bereavement class this evening.  I always get there just a bit prior so I can go to my dad's grave.  It was very difficult tonight.  On the way there I thought about coping with alcohol.  I felt like what did it matter.  Things would be low whether I did it or not, so why not do it.  Or why do it.  It's all kind of futile.  I know that's a pretty bleak thought.  It's just how how I felt.  I actually felt a little like drinking but not too extreme.  Then it passed.  Then I went to the class.  This class is attended by a large number of older folks, all women except for one man.  Almost everyone has lost their spouse.  It is insane thinking about losing my husband.  My grief is different for my dad.  There is a lot of pain in just simply losing him, but I am also haunted by the end and that part is overwhelmingly tough to deal with sometimes.  Anyway, I suspect many of these women do not drink.  Some of them do.  Some of them might drink more than I realize.  Who knows.  But if there are women who don't drink, I thought about how they just exist with the pain.  They just live each day alone.  It seems like a toughness in a way, like drinking is pointless.  So in a way, it helped me.  It's easier to drink.  I didn't today.  I guess I'm a little tough.

I Miss Him

Struggling a bit. I miss him so much.

It's Never Just One!

Feeling a little all over the place this morning. I had a nightmare before waking up and I guess that lingering terror just kicked the day off in a weird way. It's supposed to rain today but you'd never know it with the brilliant sun shining. Is it wrong to be disappointed with the light?? I'm in a little bit of a dark, stormy mood. Just want to snuggle in with my little guy and little dog. We'll get out for a bit, it'll probably do us good.

No drinking and no real cravings of note. I sigh a little thinking forever? Really? No glass of wine at Christmas? No bottle of beer at a baseball game? No champagne on New Year's?

The thing is, I've been there, done that, with every one of those circumstances.

It wasn't one glass of wine at Christmas, it was a mixture of wine and beer, coupled with stress and a crazy mix of food, leading to a swirly belly, headache, and disconnect from the holiday.

It wasn't one beer at the game, it was several, which translated to a lot more money spent, distraction from the game, more focus on the booze than anything, attempts to not plummet down the steep stairs that led to our seats, and of course, more drinking at home afterwards.

It wasn't one glass of champagne at New Year's, it was boozing all night with a mix of alcohols, waking up with a hangover on the first day of the new year, feeling regret, and the previous night apparently having been more about alcohol than anything else.

That seems to be the common thread. The alcohol taking center stage instead of the event itself. How weird and sad is that?

I think about forever a little wistfully at times, and then I think about the fact that I'm romanticizing the alcohol. Making it into a special and necessary aspect of the event. I am seeing that it absolutely is not. I just need to make that thought my new normal. I'm getting there.

I also think about living the rest of my life completely clean and sober and it brings me a little spark of excitement, and also peace. I imagine a clearer, healthier, more mature me and it makes me feel really good.

Upcoming Events

Hello out there! I just had a pretty awesome realization....April is coming to close and if I make it to May, it will have been an entirely sober April by choice.  I want to get there.  I refuse to get too confident or nonchalant about it because I know how quickly the urge to drink can swoop in and overtake my mind...even if that happens, I don't want to have any drinks because one will lead to more, I just know it.  Why wouldn't it?  In what universe would I just want one drink?  I need to accept that will never change about me.  Even if I think it has changed, I must remember that I don't want to risk it and that drinking is completely unnecessary.

Some upcoming things that I am looking forward to experiencing sober:

- the wedding of an extended family member
- family get-togethers
- hanging out with friends
- just random days of the week and weekends!

Some upcoming events that I'm a little nervous about:

- the year anniversary of my dad's death (for obvious reasons)
- my marriage anniversary (will it be hard not to "toast"?)

Just have to anticipate potentially difficult feelings and plan ahead about what I will do in those situations.  Hope all are well who may be reading this- take care.

Brief Thoughts

Wow, another sober weekend under the old belt...how cool!  I am starting to realize how much alcohol simply doesn't matter.  It was so ingrained that I feel sad to say I'd kind of forgotten that it's completely unnecessary.  I had a few urges about "the future....", but they passed pretty quickly.  Went to Quaker meeting, worked in the garden, spent time with family, made some good Indian food, really just a bunch of awesome, simple things added up to be a productive and peaceful weekend.  Emotional at times, but it would be like that whether I was drinking or not.  It is so much better to feel clean.  I really want to keep this up.

I Remain

Exhausted from a big day today.  Struggled with some pretty heavy feelings of regret and grief about my dad.  It is extremely difficult to grasp the reality that he is gone forever.  It is still so unbelievable.  The enormous future without him is so unfortunate and heartbreaking.  The loss of him is never going to change and never going to leave me.

I did have some thoughts about drinking, but I will say that they were managed well.  I found myself wanting to disappear into drinking, and then found myself seeing that it would really just make things worse.  It would blur/numb things for awhile, which was (and is) appealing, but then I would probably start feeling worse, then feel bad in the morning, with the loss still there.  The cravings were not anything overpowering.  I really appreciate that because it makes me feel like maybe they are not changing, but I am the one changing.  They are probably just the same as always, but I am becoming more equipped to ride them out.  They always disappear.  They come, they go, and I remain.

Something that helped later in the day was having a really open, honest conversation with my husband about a bunch of things that have been on my mind, mostly about my dad.  I am so lucky to have him- he is my best friend and truly my soulmate.  We went for a walk at the park this evening with our little guy and it was absolutely beautiful out.  It was so soothing.  I still have some really deep sadness right now, but it really helped spending time with my family.  It is a great feeling living each day clearly.  I have not had this in a long time.

Fridays and Living With Loss

Well, here it is Friday and this used to be the night that my husband and I would get our tiny man off to sleep, settle in on the couch with our little dog, watch Vikings and Project Runway Allstars, eat a fun dinner (usually Mexican..), and get our drink on. This will be the fifth Friday in our recent time that will include all of those things except the booze.  And you know what?  It is all good.  I am starting to feel like it's just another night of not drinking.  Not special because it's the weekend and yay let's drink (didn't we drink pretty much every night?), special because I get to hang with my love and enjoy the first night of the weekend.  It really is starting to feel like a comforting new normal.  I don't know if it's a pink cloud moving through or what.  I have had some tiny whispers of "Forever..? Really?.." here and there, but honestly, they have been super-brief and surprisingly rare.  I just feel so much better not drinking.  I really do.

The grief is my huge trigger.  I am so thankful for the support of my husband.  He is my best friend.  What would I do without him?  I think about that and it is so hard.  Those are the times when I wonder, is there a breaking point for my sobriety?  What is the worst thing that could happen and would I drink in that situation?  What if I lost my son?  How does one deal with that unimaginable loss without drinking?  How does one cope at all?  God, I just don't even know where to begin in thinking about that.  I am so sorry if anyone reading this has experienced that.  In the women's AA meeting, this exact scenario was brought up, as the speaker shared a very personal loss she'd experienced, the loss of her child.  She lived through it sober.  She said that life will happen.  You are going to lose people.  It is going to happen.  Not even losing people, bad things in general are going to happen.  And drinking does not help these things at all.  Not at all.  In fact, it makes things worse.  Before and after losing my dad, I don't think I understood that or really "got" it at all.  In thinking about this, I am realizing it has been experienced in several ways:

1)  Sober Not By Choice: I was pregnant when my dad died, and obviously I couldn't drink.  If I hadn't been pregnant, I probably would have been drinking pretty heavily at times.  It is likely a huge blessing that I couldn't drink because I was solely responsible for literally everything prior to and after his death.  I know I wouldn't have been as effective at tending to all of those things if I was drinking though them.  I also can't imagine having hangovers through all of that.  I think this early time was full of denial.  It helped me to cope I guess.  I still have a lot of denial, but the reality is beginning to be true to me.  It is almost a year.  I miss him so much.

2)  Not Sober/Drinking Frequently: After some time passed following the birth of my son (he was born about two months after my dad died), I began drinking rarely.  A beer, maybe once a week.  Then a bit more frequently.  Then a little more.  Then almost daily.  Not getting drunk each night by any stretch, but having alcohol almost every night.  I am beginning to realize that drinking did nothing to help my grief except stuff it down deeper into my soul.

3)  Sober By Choice: More time has passed since his death and I am now sober by choice.  If I do the math, it was just a few weeks shy of 10 months since his death that I stopped drinking.  It has only been a month since I stopped.  I am still so new to this, but I am hopeful that removing the alcohol will help me deal with my dad's death and the events leading up to it in a more effective way.  I am still very haunted by a lot of things.  I just feel a little bit more clean in dealing with stuff.  Again, still very new to it all.

Well, in thinking about all of this, I'm having a hard time right now but when I think about drinking, it is feeling negative and unnecessary.  So that's awesome.  Must focus on that.  My dad would be so proud of me not drinking.  He would get it.  He was never a drinker.  He would respect me.  He would also want me to enjoy this Friday.  It feels beautiful outside even though it looks like rain.  I could handle some rain.

Hope all are well who may be reading this.  Please feel free to comment or email me if you feel like sharing anything.

I Told My Buddy

I spoke with a really dear friend of mine last night and I told her I'd stopped drinking. This was kind of major for me.  She is the first person I've told beyond my husband.  I was pretty upfront with my reasons- not brutally honest about every detail, but basically said I had been drinking too much for too long and I was ready to stop.  She was awesome about it as she is about pretty much everything.  She's a good gal.  Lucky as hell to have her in my life.  Just thought I'd share.  Baby steps!  I want to share with my mom, but I'm not there yet.  No desire to drink by the way.

Weirdo Craving

Hello to all who might be reading this today.  Had a weird craving last night....not for booze..for a cigarette..??  I was about to leave for my bereavement class (which was awesome- super intense, but good) and I guess I was just thinking of my dad and then what do you know, a random urge to smoke a cigarette popped into the old brain.  It thankfully only lingered for a few minutes.  It's a lot easier to not smoke when I am not drinking!!  When I would drink, I'd sometimes get an urge to smoke, and that was pretty much that- I was done for- whether I smoked that evening or not, I knew it would happen soon.  It always did.  Like some smoky switch got flipped- usually when I was several drinks in and perhaps semi-sad/depressed.  I do not miss that at all.  Things are good this morning. Wishing you well. <3

Things to Remember

A few things I'd like to have a list of so that I can refer if needed...also to see where my head is at this moment:

- I do not want to drink alcohol ever again.

- I need to be good to myself and support my sobriety.

- Not drinking is awesome!  It really feels great.  Really!

- I can cope with what life brings: I am strong!

- Alcohol does not help- it hurts and hinders my well-being.

- Alcohol also hurts the well-being of my loved ones.

- Even if/when I feel like "Who cares if it doesn't help- I just want this pain to blur..", I must remember it will only make me feel WORSE.  I will wake up with the pain still there and new pain of having drank.

That's all I can think of right now.  They are biggies, though. Feels good getting them out :).

Alcoholic vs. Non-Drinker

I have a lot on my mind this morning.  It's so lovely outside- we are on such a roll this week, weather-wise.  Anyway, a few things.  First of all, I have not told anyone about quitting drinking except for my husband (and the internet :)..).  I guess it will come naturally at some point.  I want to tell my family and friends, but it feels so weird.  I don't want it to be a big deal, or make a big deal about it, but at the same time it *is* kind of a big deal.  Or is it??  I just long for the day when I don't even think about it.  I suppose it will come out however and whenever it's meant to.  I wonder if/when I will tell them about this blog.

I don't know if this is denial or what, but I'm not sure if I am an alcoholic.  I know I have been drinking dysfunctionally, for a long time.  Maybe it's because sobriety is still really new, and I am still trying to see myself the way I was and the way I am and want to be.  It will become clear in time and I don't need to be in a rush to label myself.  I am thinking about it because I suppose the thing some people may wonder when I say I'm no longer drinking is "is she an alcoholic?".  Or maybe if I don't make a big deal about it, they will just not really notice or care

If I am an alcoholic, it makes me feel really sad because there is such a stigma about it.  I know people can relate.  If my husband and I didn't have our baby boy, I think I might be more open to it (not sure?), but it feels so depressing to think about having our son and me being an alcoholic.  Maybe that's why I am resistant to this term...confused about it's accuracy.

Some people might read this blog and think, "Oh yeah, the words of an alcoholic- she's in denial, she'll see it in time."  I mean, who writes a blog about stopping drinking if they aren't an alcoholic??  Others might read this and think, "Oh, she wasn't too bad, she stopped before it ever got remotely close to true darkness.  She was a problem drinker, recognized it (finally), and moved on."  It feels like there's some truth to that.  But are they the same thing?  Is it harder to consider myself an alcoholic because I didn't really have anything truly awful occur?

Uggh. I feel more comfortable saying I don't drink anymore and leaving it at that, or saying I stopped because I was drinking too frequently/too much.  It's like I'm afraid the "A" word labels me as a Bad Mother.  That is such a horrible thing to say.  I guess it's my life, so I can label myself however I want to.  And anyway, I am trying to better my situation, so that is really awesome.

Jason Vale wrote about the terms alcoholic vs. non-drinker, and felt that he was an alcoholic when he was drinking, and when he stopped, he just simply was a non-drinker.  I don't know if it's denial, or rationalizing, or semantics, or insightful, or what.  I like it, but I also think of the people who have not had anything to drink for years and still consider themselves alcoholics (or ex-alcoholics?  in recovery? recovered alcoholics?  hmmm).  It seems depressing in some ways, but I guess they say that to continue to remind themselves that they should never drink again at all, which is obviously very important to them and for their lives.  I respect that.  Anyway, it's interesting.  Maybe it will be clearer to me as the days accumulate.

Moderation: Brain..cannot...compute

Okay, so I have a true 30 days under my belt :).  It's great.  This morning I wondered aloud in the kitchen (to nobody) "am I really never going to drink again?", but it wasn't a sad or wistful wondering, it was a happy wondering, with an air of relief.  Also an air of hope, as in, I hope I can do this.  I think about my son and I just continue to believe that not drinking is a powerful choice as a parent and role model.  I am hoping it will just become no big deal.  It seems less like a big deal even now, after only 30 days.  That is so encouraging!

For me, one just leads to another, to another, or at least it leads to *wanting* more, which is almost as depressing.  I am not interested in moderation- been there, done that, didn't work.  Here are some ways I tried moderating (all common and familiar to people, I'm sure):

- Drinking only after my son was asleep..........I was always uncomfortable drinking in his presence,  but drinking after he was asleep was weird, too (not that it stopped me either way).  When he inevitably woke up and I tended to him, I felt strange, as though I was lying to him because I wasn't fully "myself".  Was never drunk in his presence, but this was absolutely not a nice feeling.  Plus, who's to say that I wouldn't one day drink too much around him and be inebriated?  This makes me shudder.  It could happen.

- Drinking only on the weekends..............This didn't really work.  It would stick for a week or two, then I would drink on Sunday evening, then maybe Tuesday, etc., then it was back to during the week for me! :(

- Drinking only "(insert type of alcohol)".................This one is so funny.  Really, I'm a beer girl at heart.  I began drinking wine because it somehow seemed less "unseemly" after I had our son.  Wine is so romanticized and glamorized.  So I thought, wine, yeah, I'll just have a glass...then of course, one became two.  So I would switch to beer another session.  Only one beer tonight.  Then another because, hey, it's only two.  By the end of the second, it's like whatever, anything goes.  Also tried drinking mixed drinks every now and again.  That never worked for me, just not my "thing".  So it was back to my trusty "friends".

- Drinking "mindfully"..............This one is funny, too.  I would have a glass of wine (or a beer) and try to enjoy each sip.  Put it down between sips.  Just relax with it.  And it was great...but at the end I would realize two things: 1) I'd spent the entire time thinking about the alcohol (depressing), and 2) I still wanted more!  Yikes.

Yeah, not a fun way to live.  My brain malfunctions when I try to moderate.  It doesn't get it.  It just wants more.  Even when I don't actually consume more, it's still almost always wanting more.  It's like inching my way through hell. So, simply not drinking at all makes the most sense for me.

Obsessing! Ugh!

I have a question for any AA folks who might come across this...do you get your milestone chip on the day itself or the day after?  As in, today is Day 30 for me, but technically I have only 29 days sober under my belt since the 30th day isn't over. Would it be more appropriate to obtain your chip on Day 31, thereby technically having "30 days"?  I don't mean to obsess or overthink this.  I inquired about this on the Living Sober website and people were awesome and basically said, just chill and own the days.  I am just curious is all.  Not planning to get the chip today, or necessarily at all, who knows, but if I do (or the 60 Day chip, or One Year for that matter....not trying to get ahead of myself, eek!), I just want it to be an honest/accurate count of sobriety.  Some seem to measure in days, some in months, some in years, some not at all.  I guess it's safer to get it the day after.  Since after all, it is "one day at a time" in AA............agggghhh, why am I obsessing about this??  Better than drinking I suppose :).

Moving Forward

In thinking about this being my 30th day without alcohol, I wanted to make a list of things I'm concerned about and want to focus on while going forward...

- Maintaining my sobriety for the next 30 days (duh!); I think it's good to have this smaller goal while also recognizing that I just don't want to drink at all ever again.  Seeing the small picture and the big picture together seems to be working for me.

- What to expect in these next 30 days?...I have read that more introspection is common, maybe cravings that are less intense.  Should look that up..

- Continuing to deal with my grief, and recognizing that as the 1st year anniversary of my father's death approaches, things are going to be really hard.

- Have not had many social occasions with our friends and this may come up soon; must be prepared for visits to a bar or restaurant- hopefully it won't be a big deal!  Our friends are cool.

- Attend another women's AA meeting and continue reading the Big Book.  No idea if AA is right for me but I am trying to be as open as possible to all methods of quitting drinking.

Might add more to this later.  Really beautiful outside today.

Day 30

It is Day 30 today!  I have a long way to go but it's definitely an accomplishment.  The past 30 days have been really interesting.  Here is a summary of what has gone down:

- Realized it was time to stop drinking because I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol
- Consumed no alcohol beginning 3/21/2016
- Encountered some cravings here and there
- Had a really difficult night that caused me to want to drink but I did not; determined the biggest trigger for me is my grief
- Read Lotta Dann's "Mrs. D is Going Without", Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily", and Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" within the first couple of weeks and gained a lot from each of them
- Started reading some really fantastic and honest sober blogs
- Attended 3 different AA meetings, the most recent of which was a great women's meeting that I would return to
- Began delving into my history of drinking and contemplating the how and why of my substance usage
- Began really thinking critically about alcohol in general and seeing it in a new light as an unnecessary part of life
- Started this blog and have written in it every day, sometimes multiple times a day; have found it to be a really effective release and outlet
- Joined Living Sober in order to participate in the online community there; it has been awesome so far
- Began reading the Big Book
- Lived the past 30 days alcohol free!

I am really happy today. Going to celebrate with some quality time with my family!  Much support going out to all celebrating their Day 30 today!

The "Bad Memory" List Grows Longer

Been struggling today. Not with wanting to drink (thank goodness), but with evaluating my place on the sphere of drinking. It has been a continued steady and often unhealthy drinking that has come to bother me. I have realized I really need to think critically about it. So many times I have just mindlessly had drinks (and other  stuff earlier on). Why mindlessly?  I don't have the answer yet. Easier to not think about it? Social acceptance and/or pressure? Coping? Naivety? Either way, I have been thinking about how I haven't been "that bad". Not that the thought makes me want to drink, but it makes me nervous for the future, potentially leading down the line to thinking "eh, I can handle it now". Anyway, I was just overcome with two sad memories of my unhealthy side of drinking. I want to share to remind myself, yes, I have a drinking problem:

- A few times here and there in the span of my drinking, I drank in the morning. I think those times were a symptom of depression. I don't remember getting drunk, but a beer or two before noon, and I think in one or two cases, before 9 or 10am. I'd forgotten about that. Haven't done that in several years. But still, I remember recognizing it was a problem and just doing it anyway.

- I got drunk (unintentionally- is that possible?) one night several years ago and had to drive home (had to?). I had been visiting with two old-time drinking friends, who I hadn't seen in a long time. It got late. I was a little over an hour away from home. I remember getting behind the wheel and just feeling drunk. I slowly made my way through the unfamiliar neighborhood. Got lost. Found my way to the highway. Pulled off at some point at a gas station to use the restroom. There was only one other person there, the attendant. I remember feeling vulnerable and him saying something that made me uncomfortable. Got back on the road as quickly as possible. Thankfully got home safely with no injury to myself or anyone. How horrible. It is chilling to think about all of the possibilities of what could have happened. My poor judgement, dangerous and reckless attitude, and utter stupidity make me very sick and upset.

So. I must keep adding to the bad memory list. It's depressing but necessary and of course I know there is more I am forgetting.

Breezy...?

Feeling a little weird today. Need to get this out. Tomorrow will be my 30th day. I am very happy for that. It makes me a little nervous because I have zero desire to drink and it feels like things haven't really been too terribly tough so far, besides that one Saturday earlier on. I don't want to take any element at all of my sobriety for granted. I am wondering if I am being too breezy about my not drinking. It's confusing...I don't want to be light about it and risk feeling like I can drink down the line (because I do not want to), but I also want to be gentle on myself and not take everything so SERIOUSLY. I want joy and brevity in life. I guess this is common- I mean, who wants to be miserable, sober or otherwise?? I have found myself thinking that it's really early and I should not get complacent. I do not want to have that first drink. I see clearly that it leads to more. Relapse is really a frightening concept. I think I need to attend another meeting and open up more to others. That will help me feel more connected and keep strengthening my sobriety. It feels wonderful writing about it, but it must also feel wonderful speaking about it. I will find that women's meeting!

As an aside, I want to be a good, strong, clear, bright, wise example for my son. I would like to do everything I can to support myself in not drinking and translate that to being a better person, mother, wife, daughter, friend.

Also, today is really hard because it is this day one year ago that my Dad began his true decline. I do not wish to write about that. It is so painful to recall. I miss him beyond words. Sending support to all those with poor health, those in bereavement, those getting sober, and those maintaining sobriety.

Signs of Strength

Well, the meeting was not an all-women meeting....bummer.  The AA schedule needs to be updated online.  Another non-love connection, but truly respected all who shared tonight.  I am going to find that women's meeting!  Something in the meetings has me wanting to continue.  Not sure about AA yet...but there is something there.  The sharing is just searingly real.  I really respond to the vulnerability.  Just looking for that particular connection.  On the way home I was in a pretty good mood and looking forward to seeing my husband.  Then I drove past the exit where my dad is buried and I just exploded with tears, sobbing on the beltway.  The pain absolutely took over.  Everything came crashing over me without warning.  Drove the rest of the way and even as upset as I felt, I also realized I had no desire to drink.  Not a shred of desire.  A couple of weeks ago, I would absolutely have stopped by the liquor store to get something to cope, or to get something for a happy Sunday night with my husband (to match whichever feeling- celebrate, time together!...or..cope, the grief is just awful and unbearable).  Anyway, got home, talked at length with my husband about the experience, cried a bit more, just basically let it out.  He was completely supportive and awesome. God I love him so much. We ate dinner and watched Chopped and then snuggled with our dog on the couch.  Now time for sleep.  I am exhausted but feeling a ray of strength as well.  Tomorrow will be my 29th day.  Almost to 30.  How cool is that?

Two Meetings

Going to a women's AA meeting this evening....nervous but a little excited.  Why am I nervous?  It is new.  Unknown.  I don't want to be swarmed.  I was a little swarmed the first meeting I went to.  I will know to be prepared for that and to ask that my boundaries be respected if needed this time around.  I look forward to being in a group of women who are trying to maintain sobriety.  It's going to be okay. :)

Also, went to our Quaker meeting this morning.  It was wonderful.  Felt connected.  Thankful for this beautiful day.  It feels so good to be clear.  My soul feels clean.  Imperfect, but clean.  Free.

Haiku Jumped Through My Fingers

I felt such sadness
My dog began her snoring
Thank you universe

The Known and Unknown

Good evening to all in this weird, wonderful world.  I thought about going to a meeting tonight but I decided to attend one tomorrow that is specifically for women only. I'm interested in sitting in on that community.  Tonight it will be baseball on tv, fun/fizzy/non-booze drinks, snacks, time with my husband and dog, and laughing hearing our son making noises over the monitor as he falls asleep.

I have an odd sort of sadness in me right now.  I'm okay, just...not quite all there.  I had a great day doing a lot of outside/yard/planting stuff.  Hung out with my family.  It was fantastic.  I don't really know where the sadness is coming from.  This morning I just had a random urge to talk about God with my husband while we were making breakfast (before coffee...eek).  I think I'm a little unhappy with my spirituality.  It feels lost.  Kind of lonesome.  We attend Quaker meetings pretty regularly, but I missed last week, so maybe that's part of it.  The beauty in the world, the confusion, joy, evil, disease, and pain.  Life and death.  Love.  I don't know how God fits in honestly.  Is God only the good?  Is God everything?  Including the nightmares, the war, the terror and abuse?  Is God there in my son babbling quietly in his crib?  Is God in recovery?  In addiction?  I would like to believe in mystery and in magic.  I am open and comfortable with not knowing, never knowing.  The searching is important.  I like the Quaker meetings, the quiet openness to God or spirituality or prayer or anything.  I think I just feel a little unsettled right now.  I am aching a bit and must need to shore up my spiritual "home".  I find much comfort in my family and in music, nature, animals.  In many ways they are my God.  Missing my Dad always.

Hello Day 27

I am a little curious about the concept of counting days. It's something I think many people have brought up and I am always interested in other folks' opinions about what works for them. I suspect it's all personal and subjective. To me, counting days in some ways seems a little bleak. I probably have the wrong attitude about it. For people responding effectively to that method, it is probably all about celebrating each day, like "Hell yeah! Day 27! Go me!" But just living life, enjoying the time, and simply not drinking, seems like a really natural way to be. Not being caught up or obsessed with each day, each hour. However,  in thinking about counting the days as achievements, each one an accomplishment in its own right, that seems so wonderful. The importance of acknowledging milestones. I started by counting, then moved away from that, and now seem to be doing both, kind of casually aware, if that's possible. I check the number when I think of it or when I'm moved to check, but seem not to be obsessing. Today marks the late morning of Day 27, and it's a great morning. I see 30 days on the horizon. How cool is that? I would like to get there.

Calm, Cool, and Connect-y

Been lurking around a bunch of great sober/en route to sober blogs today, and even commented on a few...l'm in a connect-y mood. It was a really nice day today. I faced a few small things and stayed calm and really enjoyed my time with my son, my husband, and our dog. Very cool. It is so nice laying down here in my bed completely sober. I am doing well and I want to keep going. I actually feel great. Empowered. Thankful.

Stuff I'd Like To Do Sans Booze

Here are some things I want to either dip my toes into or jump into whole hog (man, do I love the phrase whole hog):

- Make more art
- Make more music
- Be a better mom, wife, daughter, woman
- Get fluent in Spanish
- Cultivate a strong routine for keeping the house tidy
- Keep working through grief
- Become a nurse
- Be less angry
- Be more compassionate
- Give back to my community
- Grow some kick ass vegetables
- Be less obsessive and more goofy and free
- Be more honest
- Be more appreciative
- Cook more
- Exercise more
- Be more content with what I have as opposed to wanting what I don't have
- Become more involved in the sobersphere, whether in life or online
- Continue not drinking

Here's to dreaming and doing!

Stuff I've Done Sans Booze

Some things I've been doing/experiencing since stopping drinking:

- Learning Spanish on the awesome Duolingo app.  Super fun and highly recommended.  Many different languages to choose from.

- Keeping a tidier house.  Feels nice having things more in order externally as well as internally (except for my fiery weird emotional rollercoasters......maybe things will even out one day?)

- Feeling more self-respect.  I especially respect myself more as a mom.

- Feeling "clearer" and truly enjoying that.

- Caring more for my vegetable seeds.  I want those babies to thrive.  It is so fun watching them grow.

- Exercising more.  We have been taking walks more often and have been enjoying the outdoors together as a family.  It's really nice.

- Coping with stuff without alcohol; obvious, I know, but still worth mentioning because it really is a new experience.

- Writing more.  I started this blog and for some reason I've been keeping it up, writing every day.  I think it helps.  I have commented on a few blogs and I think it would be good to join the community of virtual sober homies.

- Attended an AA meeting.  That was...interesting.  A little bleak.  I don't want to give up on it just because of one non-love connection meeting.  Not sure if it is the right method (is that the right word?) for me.  I am definitely open, though.  Will probably go to another meeting sometime soon.

- Eating healthier.  I really am.  It's cool.  I was more inclined to go the cheese fries/pizza route before because of laziness/booziness.  I have been cooking more and it is great.  Nothing against cheese fries or pizza, of course!!

- Reading more.  I finished something like 5 books since being sober.  That's a lot for me.

That is all for now, but it's a decent list I think.  Yeah man!

In a calm place

Feeling still.  Peaceful.

Anger and Loss and Art

Ehhh, what a big day. Some days just seem bigger than others. I have these weird tiny fits of rage or anger. I wish I didn't. I am scared by them sometimes. I don't remember ever being like this before. Maybe that was the problem? It started before I stopped drinking, though. I guess it isn't reasonable, rational, or even healthy, to be anger-less. Last night the bereavement class was hard. A lot of lost souls, lost hearts. Lost love. We are hoping to find some bit of peace. I'm glad to be a part of the group. It seems like a positive step. Today I had some drinking cravings. It was hard. Not really super powerful, but definitely there. Also had rationalizing going on about the future. I think about having just one drink, here and there, very rarely, and then I think about it later and I'm just like, would that be miserable or acceptable? It seems like none is so much easier to comprehend than one. As hard as that is to comprehend, of course. Why is it like this? Is this pathetic or normal? I did not drink today and had no real true urge to drink. Just thoughts. They bother me. Really beautiful evening and a wonderful walk with my family in the neighborhood. Why do I never make art anymore? Must make that more of a priority. Peace to all.

Bonkers?

I must look completely insane but damn do I feel fucking awful right now. Is it normal to bounce back and forth between joyful, peaceful and shitty ALL the time, particularly when stopping drinking and/or grieving? Ughh. I wish I knew folks out here in the internet to verify if I am valid or bonkers or perhaps both. Maybe I will connect one day. Went to the bereavement class last night and I prefer to discuss it when I am feeling better. No desire to drink by the way.

Pretty darn tootin' good!

Feeling good today, patient and calm. It's nice! Treated myself to a mocha coffee and feel like making something super good for dinner. Nothing fancy, but hearty and healthy. Anticipating tonight's session. Much love to all those in bereavement.

Clean Grief

Good morning to all. This evening I will begin a 6 week bereavement course that is run by the church where my dad is buried. I do not attend the church but they have been really good to me and seem to be truly invested in helping people who are grieving. They are actually really great. They held a service for those who had experienced loss, back in December, a little while before Christmas. It was really beautiful and intense. It was the first time I'd been in a group of grievers and it was honestly really hard and really amazing. Tonight will probably be similar. I want to grieve my dad's death but I also really want to get to the place where my default memories are of him before the end. Even if they are when he was sick, I would be okay with that. We really connected and established a new bond during that time, so I am grateful for it and don't fear remembering it, although of course it's difficult. It's the end that fucking destroys me. The last month and a half. It was just hell. And I have found that it is so burned into my soul that it's often all I can remember, which is so sad because there was so much more to my dad and his relationship with me than the end. When he died I was about 7 months pregnant, had endless issues to deal with alone in relation to his death, then had my baby soon after, and was immersed in being a new mom. After the initial weeks of newness with our tiny man, maybe a month and a half after, I started drinking here and there. It escalated back to close to what it was before I was pregnant, which was almost daily, about 2 drinks each evening, sometimes more. Also on the weekends it was more like an average of 3 drinks a night. I have coped with the grief by drinking and since I haven't been drinking I feel like I want to confront the grief in a new and clean way. No desire to drink by the way. It's weird. Last night I finished Jason Vale and I had a few rumblings about "forever"... They passed pretty quickly. I must remember that it is never just the one. Mrs D talked about the daily "treadmill" of drinking she was on. I relate to that description a lot. I really think I just need to stop drinking. I don't need it and mostly just don't even want it now. It need not have control over me. It doesn't need to be my crutch or my celebration buddy. I don't have to do it at all. Jason Vale talked about how odd/sad it is that drinking is the norm and not drinking is not the norm. I completely agree. Feeling melancholy but good. Bright sunny day.

Awesome quote

Man, I am so into Jason Vale. Here's a great quote that I connected to my thoughts from a little while back about potentially drinking a couple of times a year:

"Trying to reduce your intake simply means not allowing yourself to drink when you want to and having consciously to exercise even more control than before. The longer you suffer any aggravation, the more attractive it will appear when you eventually drink again...Why drink? Why be miserable if you are not drinking? By cutting down you do not stop the drinking but consolidate the idea that alcohol is even more precious than you already thought. That makes you even more hooked than you were as the hook is mental, not physical."

Well stated. Must remember that sentiment.

Content

Feeling content right now. Just thought I'd share. Lucky to have a loving family, cozy home, and good health.

Tomorrow will be better

Winding down, nice evening with our man in the backyard. Got a bunch of healthy food (whole wheat pasta??) at the store. House is stacked with good eats and that is a great feeling. Sort of shitty day that improved, but I want to do better tomorrow. Starting a bereavement class in a few days...very interested and hope it is helpful. Tired now. Not a drop of booze inside my body.

Sorry for whining!

Doing better, loving the Jason Vale book. Think I'm going to try to eat healthier. Feeling more confident and happy.

Pissy

I'm all pissy right now, Dad's old bank account card got hacked, people are fucking useless and full of bullshit. I get so mad sometimes. Don't know where to put the anger. I throw something or yell and cuss. Doesn't do anything. Sometimes your world is just simply fucked. No desire to drink, however.

Today ruled

What a thoroughly awesome day. Cleaned (almost) the entire house this morning in preparation for my in-laws, who graciously and happily watched our little guy while my husband and I went to a baseball game. It was SO much fun- completely sober, bright, clear, energized, way less expensive, more attentive time. We were remembering one game several years back that we got completely hammered at- was the point of the experience to get fucked up or watch a basball game? Today was just so cool. Got out of the stadium laughing and happy, drove home, spent wonderful time with our man before putting him to bed, had adult hour just hangin on the couch watching old Project Runways, winding down now before sleep, writing in the tiny computer in my hands, all experiences of which were lived completely, beautifully sober. No desire to drink at all, not even at the stadium. It was weird. Awesome weird. My husband noted that we probably would have been exhausted after the game and not had such an enjoyable, light evening had we been drinking. Really appreciate the good day today. I also really miss my dad so much. The grief just burns. He would have been so happy knowing about our great time. It is so overwhelming wishing he was still here.

Snow in April

Long day, kinda tough really. I wish family gatherings were more peaceful. Took a little while to decompress back at home, but I did. I thought about how it's Saturday evening and normally we'd be drinking. I'd be coping with the day with alcohol. Wanting maybe only 2 drinks and then it ending up being closer to 4, sleeping funky, waking up exhausted, probably with a headache. At some point a little while ago, I found myself laughing with my husband and felt a clean happiness inside. It's hard to explain but I felt the joy in that funny moment. Heard myself laughing and it was just an honest laugh. It was a really nice feeling. Miss my dad always.

Tales of Horribleness

In reviewing my boozy/druggy past, it makes me think that it is not at all unique. I remember all of the different people (kids really, at the time) that I used to get fucked up with, and I wonder how they are now. I have some more recent drinking buddies, but I am referring to my old getting-trashed-together pals. I wonder if any of them are sober now. I hope they are doing well. They were all, for the most part, really cool people.

So, this is a little depressing, but my mind is in the past and I thought I'd look back on some particularly horrible/humiliating circumstances of being way too far gone. I am trying to really connect reasons for drinking (doing all things really). So much of it was pretty mindless (on the surface) and I want to dig deeper to get into the thick of WHY. So, let's see.....

- Drinking often brought out my insecurities exponentially. I think I drank to let go of them but I would hit a point where they would explode inside of me. I was often a very insecure, paranoid girlfriend (as carefree, loving, and fun as I tried to be) and drinking made it worse. One night about many years ago with an ex-boyfriend, I had too much vodka and cranberry juice, brought out my insecure, paranoid ghosts, drunkenly accused him of liking another girl, and then threw up on his bedroom wall (not untentionally). It was pink from the juice. Lovely. I was on his bed and was cognizant enough to avoid the bed itself and instead chose the poor wall as my target. He was such a sweet guy and just cared for me and didn't get upset, though he had every right to. Just horrible.

- Along similar insecure/paranoid realms, while drinking excessively one night with my husband and our friends (several of us drinking a ton, only me getting hammered beyond belief however..), I again got extremely insecure (don't think any accusations went flying, just internal emotional wars), completely collapsed emotionally, and after arriving home, ended up vomiting ON our bed and on the floor and on myself (what was it with me and beds and puking, why was I never near a toilet?), my dear husband getting me into the shower and me just absolutely falling apart in there, naked and sobbing uncontrollably. Such sad drama. It was humiliating and my husband was so wonderful and gentle and good to me. One of the worst hangovers ever the following day.

- When I was maybe fifteen I got hammered on New Year's Eve and threw up into a box the household was going to be using for moving day. I think it was empty...I hope.

- Drank and did mushrooms at the beach once. Went to the boardwalk with my ex-boyfriend and had to lay down on a bench outside the kite shop. Saw a policeman and figured I'd better move away and somehow stumbled onto the beach and layed down. Hoped my ex would find me. It was nighttime and I don't remember how he located me, but thankfully he did. Very lucky nothing worse happened. Scary. Of course I threw up on the beach before leaving.

- This is the worst one but I have to get it out. Several months ago, a relative visited us to see the baby. We stayed up very late and I was drinking the entire time. Changed and fed my son once, possibly twice, throughout that night. Hardly felt anything even though I'd been drinking and I was completely sick with myself the following day, finding my behavior beyond unacceptable and dangerous. I had been completely and utterly depressed that night because of a very upsetting conversation about my dad and his death. At some point around 5am I was opening a beer without even realizing what I was doing. That was what I did at some point on really bad nights, just compulsively opened another drink after finishing the previous one. Hadn't gotten at all messed up really (thanks to my tolerance, I suppose), just a steady slow consumption. Horrible. That was the only time I did anything remotely close to dangerous since my baby has been born. Really depressed thinking about that. The depressive feelings were obviously no excuse. Just played a part.

Well, there are many more tales of horribleness I could bring up I'm sure, but those are the worst and most memorable for me right now. I shudder thinking of them and feel glad to not have anything resembling that at all these past weeks. I want to remain free. My depression and insecurity really seem to have played a huge part of why I drank. Going to think on that some more.

My History of Substances

Really into the Jason Vale book- his writing is sticking with me and sinking in. I am continuing to absorb the fact that alcohol is a  completely unnecessary part of life. I have a long history of escaping with substances..... Started when I was fourteen, drank, smoked cigarettes and smoked weed all in the same fateful night. Had an amazing (??) time and was totally hooked. Continued to do all three of those for years after. Went through an acid phase in high school. It was cheap and a long, long mind alteration. Ugh. Stopped that at college. Did mushrooms a few times.  Not a love connection. Smoked weed and cigarettes all through college, drinking too of course, but not to excess except here and there. Then one day I smoked weed and just had a moment of clarity, wherein I connected it to my often dreadfully overwhelming social anxiety. Had never realized the relationship (surely it was just me, not the precious weed!)...it was really a good day. Haven't done it since except once on a late night with a dear friend at the end of her bachelorette party. It was fine, but the anxiety crept it and I was glad to be done with it. Anyway, drinking began increasing toward the end of my smoking weed days and I believe I was substituting big time, exchanging one for another. The alcohol did not give me anxiety- pretty much the exact opposite, which I loved. It did make me extra-emotional when I drank too much, though. Embarrassingly so. But my drinking just kind of took on a life of its own. Basically drinking most every night. Not to excess (except certain occasions.......horrible), but steadily consuming alcohol. It weaved into my life and became entwined naturally, eerily naturally. I stopped smoking cigarettes for periods of time throughout all this, particularly after stopping weed, but every so often (always while drinking) I would get depressed and smoke. Hated that. Haven't smoked in a few months and do not want to at all. So yeah, drinking just became consistent and I felt worse about it but couldn't seem to stop. Tried to cut down many times but was unsuccessful. Blessed to get pregnant and of course drank absolutely nothing during and after pregnancy (not even coffee- ah!). Felt great and thought hmm, what if I just don't drink anymore? Of course, I did. My dad went way downhill in the second half of my pregnancy and the hell of that and his pain was a nightmare. Did not find acceptable ways of coping. Had to push through, then my son was born and after about a month or so, I drank here and there. Then, a bit more. Then more. Felt uncomfortable drinking during that time. Really just drank when he was asleep at night, but a few times earlier in the evening before he was fully "out" and also a few times out at family functions. Felt very guilty drinking in his presence, even when he was asleep because of course something could have happened and I would not have been fully sober. Not that I was wasted by any stretch, but you understand. And that brings me to when I decided to stop. I just felt I'd had enough. Through and through. So here I am...I dreamed I drank last night.....wine I think? But no drinking since 3/21. I like the date because it's like 3...2...1..blast off! To sobriety! Didn't plan that. Also, I write these posts on my phone and they are pretty stream of consciousness, so I'm sorry if they are hard to follow, or if there are typos or random words getting underlined. It's sunny and windy, a bright, crisp morning. I truly enjoy not counting days and just living, but for what it's worth, today is the beginning of Day 19.

Free

Fixing breakfast and a random thought swept through my brain: I'm free. Free from daily obsessive thoughts about...whether I should drink that night, what time should I drink, what type of drink should I have, where should I purchase the drink, how much should I drink, when should I stop drinking, how do I feel in the morning after drinking, etc upon etc. If I just don't drink at all, then I will not have to worry about any of that. I think it is sinking in just a little bit. It sounds so easy. It's embarassing to share those obsessive, dull, drink thoughts but I know they are not unique at all. If I decided to drink for "special occasions", I believe I would have these exact thoughts, and that troubles me. Still getting used to the idea of forever. Feeling good this morning. Rainy here and sometimes I just need a rainy morning. Love and support to those grieving today.

Moodsville

So many moods. Started reading Jason Vale- I like it. Made me think on my thoughts from the other night about contemplating drinking on random occasions... a way of keeping myself in "the trap" (depressing thought). I wonder about how accurate my perception of my own will to stop is. I guess what is important is that the desire is there at all. Still freeing myself. It takes time. I feel good not drinking, and from what I hear, I will only feel better and better. My moods rise and fall. Sleepy now. Another night with no alcohol. It's beginning to feel a little foreign to me drinking every single night like I had been. Cool.

Little dog, how I love thee

Nice end to the day. Decompressing with my husband, baked potato with cheese, little dog napping next to me, little son dreaming upstairs. I have so much to be thankful for. Our dog has dirt on her nose from when she was digging outside earlier. She is so naughty and such an incredible companion. I love her so much. Feeling like I ought to start making art again. Still no yearning to drink at all. Sleep soon and I am grateful to be alive.

Hmmmm

Okay, sometimes I truly feel like I am a certifiable looney tune.  I get angry, bitchy, weepy, feeling sorry for myself, calm, thoughtful, introspective, patient, silly, weird, positive........all in a matter of an hour sometimes....!  Jeez, I keep myself on my toes, that's for sure.  I found myself wondering if I will have the odd drink on special occasions, like one drink allowed for certain events (my birthday, my husband's and my anniversary, my Dad's death day, Christmas....would the list keep growing if I let it?...Arbor Day!..the neighbor's cat's birthday!.....they fixed the pothole on our street day!....ughh)....feeling a little weak right now in having those thoughts.  It seems so depressing to me to have such control on myself and my life, as in being so strict.  It is my life and to a certain extent I feel like I should be easy on myself and my time in this world.  After getting control on my shitty drinking problem, of course.  Would it be harder to drink in that way?  Would I get obsessed about the next occasion and when it would be coming up?  Would I add more occasions to the list?  Would I (most depressing of all) allow myself to have more than one on the designated occasion, since after all one always seems to lead to more than one for me?  Hmmmm.  To an outsider, this is probably textbook early sobriety talking (typing).  My addicted mind trying to make excuses or condone drinking. On the plus side, I have absolutely no desire to drink right now.  Maybe that's enough for now.

Hello!

Yikes, what a lame, complain-y previous post......I swear my emotions fly here, there, and everywhere.  Just tinkered around with my blog settings- figured stark white was super-depressing and creepy, so I added a pretty lavender template with birds...still a little bleak I guess!  Oh well.  Someone from Russia found this tiny corner of the internet- that is really cool.  Hello out there to all who venture here (probably all me except my Russian comrade).  I should liven up this day of posts with some positivity, so I just want to say greetings and wishing all well who are grieving and/or in recovery. Also to those who are contemplating getting sober.  I am very early in but I have to say that it is awesome so far.  Sending much support out to every one of you.  I am wondering if quitting drinking will help me process my grief more effectively.  I really hope so.  There are moments where I feel like this will never end and that is just a wee bit unbearable.  I am hopeful that this is really a step in a positive direction.  Maybe the grief has been hanging inside of me because I haven't been dealing with it properly.  Time will tell.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhckfgj!

Errrrrrg, so pissed off right now! Just in such a super foul fucking mood! Blahhhhhhhhhhh! Hate driving, hate the wind, hate inconsiderate asshats, hate money, hate my drinking problem, hate that my husband won't be home til late, hate the goddamn bedroom door that won't stay open, hate the trash that constantly blows into/is thrown into our yard, ahhhhhhhhhh! Whining! Whining to no one. Absolutely don't have any urge at all to drink, though. That is awesome.

I Like How I Feel

I like how I feel right now. I like not counting days and just living. Living without drinking, without false escape. I did just count and it is the morning of my sixteenth day. Doesn't sound like much, but I guess there is weight in the number. I wonder if I will ever tell anyone about this blog. Not anytime soon, for sure. It's weird to write openly to the vast anonymous blanket of the internet. I always wanted to be a journal person but I could never keep it up. Part of me was really paranoid that someone would come across it and read it, so I would hold back and not share like I meant to. For some reason this is working for me. Cool. I feel good. Grateful for this feeling.

Drifting

My son gripped my index finger as I fed him this morning and it suddenly made me think of my Dad and how I wish I would have held his hand more often at the end, particularly when he was here. I got so caught up trying to do everything and I truly regret not taking more time just sitting with him, at his side. It is such a  difficult thing to deal with. I was there for him as much as possible the whole time he was sick, and then right at the end I feel as though I left him alone. Perhaps he needed to be alone and I sensed that. He began drifting away the closer to death he got. But for me, I wish I would have just existed with him more. It is so hard. There was so much to be done. It was beyond overwhelming. It engulfed me. And I was 7 months pregnant. So tough. I need to do more to honor his memory. It will help. I should make something for my son. It's a shadowy morning but I feel okay. I have zero desire to drink.

Good Night

Just want to say I feel good. It's nice. Thankful.

Thoughts On The Fog

In a way as hard as the other night was, it made me aware of several things and for that I am grateful. Still, I am just really disappointed myself. It wasn't the wanting to drink that disappointed me- I think that's understandable at this stage as I continue to get used to a life without alcohol (a life I want!). It was the fact that I tried to involve my husband in my undoing. That really, really troubles me. Maybe that was a personal "bottom" for me. Since then, I've had no yearnings or cravings at all to drink..sometimes I just completely forget about it honestly. Hopefully that's a good thing and it means I am beginning to learn how to live without messing up my mind and body. It has been a long time since that began, so I will continue to be patient with myself and roll along. I need to take a moment and evaluate what to do when I get into a dark fog again. Some thoughts/ideas on what I can do to maintain strength: let myself sob uncontrollably, breathe, talk out loud, reach out to my husband, hold my son, go outside, go to the gym, write on my blog, eat a sweet treat, make a fun lemon drink, just sit with the pain, visit Dad's grave, play music, do some sort of meditative art. I hope I can be stronger next time.

Checking In

Hello again. Checking in as I have a quiet moment while my son is napping and I am thinking on things. Still bothered by what I did Saturday evening. Asking my husband to get beer was such a shitty position to put him in. I can't believe I did that. I really thought I was kinder and wiser than that. I should probably stop beating myself up but I am really disappointed in myself. I must never, absolutely ever, do that to him or anyone ever again. If I do anything it must be on my own. Make myself do the buying, preparing, etc. But I don't want to do any of that. I really don't. It's early. Getting along completely fine, honestly. It seems like the deep well of sadness I fall into is my trigger. It's weird because I have been really upset off and on these past few weeks but haven't had much desire to drink or otherwise escape. Must have just been particularly horrible the other night. I would like to focus on positive things coming from being sober. Will think on those and write more later.

Good Morning

Still struggling with the other night but my husband's immediate forgiveness and compassion fill me with gratitude. I felt raw and cut wide open that night. He has been with me through so much. He shows me what love really is time after time. I only hope to be able to be there for him as well. I hope he never has to deal with this kind of pain. I am so glad to have not had alcohol on Saturday. I feel ashamed, like my husband kept me from drinking and now this part almost doesn't count. It's like I drank, just not in the physical world. I wasn't the one to make myself stop. I feel like I cheated. But I guess I could have gone out and gotten something myself, which I didn't. The compulsion to drink left when he came home and it hasn't been back. I don't know how to deal with the penetrating darkness when it hits. I am so afraid of it. It overtakes me. I understand wanting a tiny escape at the time with a drink. It does seem to help. It smooths. But I am coming to understand that it really doesn't. It's just something I have used since I was a young teenager. I don't deal with a lot of stuff, I am cominh to see. Stuff lingers and haunts. It has been hard to get that I have issues with substances because I don't get hammered every night. It is just a steady compulsive consumption. I had my first "drinking dream" last night. I had espresso, then whiskey I think? I forget the context now. Rarely drank whiskey and I think I have had espresso once in my life......weird.

Sunday

I feel better today. I am grateful for my husband, who loves me so much and really looked out for me and was there for me last night. I was really touched by that today. Really angry with myself for putting him in that position. I tried to put my sobriety into his hands. I didn't mean to, but it happened. I get so deep into a tunnel sometimes. It feels unending. I just don't understand it. Can't explain how horrible I felt doing that to him. I didn't push it last night but just the fact that I asked. If I am going to break my sobriety I need to do it myself. I need to purchase my own defeat. Sincerely vowing never to do that to him again.

Back and Forth

I don't want to end the night like that. I am a little better. My dog is napping next to me. My husband loves me. My baby sleeps in his room upstairs. I am tired. This night is almost over. I hate wishing for a day to end but I guess this is just how it is and how it will be sometimes. I am a little ashamed at my weakness and giving up/giving in-ness but I also find it completely understandable. I must empathize with myself. Does that sound insane? If I would have drank tonight I suspect I would have felt better, then worse, then I would have understood. This is hard. I don't want to stop drinking for the streak or the sake or anything other than I do not want to drink alcohol. I use it to cope and I always will if I let myself drink. And sometimes I think I will believe that is ok. Maybe it is, but for me it doesn't end there. It takes over. I am a little scared now. Am I powerless with alcohol or with grief? With both I guess. Fuck. It is never going to end. I cling to the windowsill. Ants scurry back and forth, all sober. Surely I can too.

Bad Night

Well just like that I asked my husband to get beer when he was leaving to go pick up pizza and he refused. He's a good man. I know he would drink it. I was ashamed but I just didn't care. It hurts and I want it to stop or at least ease. When he left I just sobbed and when he got back I was relieved he hadn't gotten any alcohol. Fuck everything sometimes. I should go to sleep early, tonight is a nightmare.

It just hurts.

This hurts so fucking bad. I am fine, I'm driving, talking with my husband about how good I feel, how happy I have been not drinking. Having a good strong day. Come home, clean, clean out the bathroom closet, find tons of stuff from when Dad was on hospice here, and I just fucking lose it. Everything is just darkness. So much hurts from that time. I find myself all of a sudden wanting to just dull this goddamn pain. Wanting to drink. Hearing it in my head. It's not fair. The whole thing is just fucked. I can't remember anything besides the end. All of the wrong decisions I made. All the things I tried to do the best I could. Now it's just over, he's fucking gone and I will never be with him again. And I coped with substances before and I coped after and I feel fucking doomed right now. I feel cursed with grief. It burns so bad. Why am I so self-destructive. I will hate myself if I drink. I hear myself trying to okay it. Trying to say hey, fuck it. This is horrible. You shouldn't try to get sober when it hasn't even been a year. And I hear truth and lying tied up completely in that. Will it always feel like this. Fuck this. The cruelty of suffering, disease, death, loss, fucking regret. I did the best I could and it was just nowhere near enough. Fuck all of this.

Dreams

Such funky dreams every night...last night I dreamed my car was stolen from a garage. I looked it up and found this online on dreammood.com:

"To dream that your car has been stolen indicates that you are being stripped of your identity.  This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person."

I was thrown off a bit reading that and found I could really relate. It can apply to many things...not drinking, losing my dad, my career, personal aspects of my life that don't receive as much attention as they used to. Interesting. Feeling refreshed today. I often have thoughts of contentment about being free from "the trap". Sometimes I think about having one in the future and think, it would never be just the one. I am not capable of just the one. If I did have only one, I would most likely obsess about it, feeling like I was depriving myself. Not a good feeling at all. Much easier (hopefully) to just be done with it. That makes so much more sense to me and my brain. Cutting it out completely. I am still new to all of this. Proud of myself.