Day 228: Stunted

Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore.  Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways.  I think it stunted me emotionally.  I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior.  It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.

This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning.  I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:

"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."

What the....?  It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness?  NEED to drink?  Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management?  Have I even tried?  Why is booze my only option?  Why is it my savior?  Why did I even think this?  Another knee-jerk?  ????

I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought.  It's really clear I have some issues.  I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation.  So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things.  I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!

On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink.  Much love always.

Day 87: Yin and Yang

I have a craving....not for booze.  To attend a meeting.  I guess I'm getting close to 90 days and I just feel like sitting in a room with some assorted folks on Day 1 or Day 1001 and exist together in this thing called sobriety.  I'm not having a desire to drink, not feeling "weak".  It's funny about feeling weak vs. strong, by the way.  They absolutely go hand-in-hand.  One cannot exist without the other.  I haven't been feeling particularly weak or strong- just...normal.  Like not drinking is not as much of a "thing" anymore.  Some moments I am more mindful and feel empowered, or strong.  Some moments I yearn and feel weak.  The magic of new normal has been life-changing and ordinary all at once.  An extremely positive life choice moving forward and a return to the state of being I had prior to beginning my habits.  Thinking deeply with much love and support to all in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Mental Note: I Don't Drink Anymore!

It's morning- another day behind me of not drinking and another day ahead of me not drinking. It is completely fine. At this point I don't even think about it like it's a big old day ahead of me.  I don't really think about it at all.  I just don't drink.  I am thinking about alcohol a lot less- awesome!

Today is Wednesday. It's not even a weekend day and in times past I would have absolutely allowed myself to have a couple of drinks on a Wednesday evening. Today I have no inclination to do that. Even with bereavement class tonight, it is just so awesome for my new normal to be not drinking as opposed to drinking. I cannot say enough about that. It feels so good.

Lately my husband and I have been getting really down about the area we live in.  Slowly but surely it's been chipping away at both of us.  There is a lot of good around the city, but so much hostility and sadness too.  We dream of moving and last night I found myself thinking of a new area and wanting to drink in the new area (for some reason).  It just popped into my brain and I thought, "Hmm, the new area may have a wine culture surrounding it..that would be fun...going to wineries.."  It was weird, it's like I forgot I don't drink anymore.  When I "remembered", I had sort of a woe is me moment, like, "Gee, that's a drag..why can't I have a drink in a new area?  What a bummer not to be able to go to wineries.  They are so fun and beautiful...not being able to have a drink sounds like such a shame.."

Then I remembered my full story: There is no "a drink"!  It's an illusion!  And I began to let that sink in more and realized how cool it would be continuing to NOT drink.  Much cooler than initially enjoying a drink or two, then it spiraling into what it used to be, which I am sure it would.  That would really be so much more invigorating, a better way to maintain and enhance my self-respect, and a better way to keep existing.  Who needs wine to enjoy a beautiful setting?  It is completely meaningless and for me, only leads to darkness instead of light.  To maintain not drinking seems more and more appealing the longer it is a reality for me.  The tide is shifting on that, because before, it felt like drinking "at some point" was more appealing.  I am feeling very glad that these cravings or momentary lapses of memory are pretty infrequent and absolutely not strong at all. I am still adjusting.  Who needs to live in a boozy culture, anyway!  Our culture is already boozy enough without living in a town that prides itself on its wineries or breweries or what have you.  Wishing all well who may be reading this, whatever your struggle may be.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.