Day 227: Part 2

Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.

Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.

I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.

For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

60 Days

60 complete days sober.  I can continue to honestly say that I LOVE not drinking.  As has been the case with other personal milestones (1 day, 20 days, 30 days), the number 60 feels a bit small, but when I really consider each day, I see the wide-reaching enormity of them all.  What will feel like a "big" number?  Maybe a year?  I think that's a pretty big one.  Either way, the victory of tiny days is a blessing.

I got a chocolate croissant for breakfast as a special treat, and I have a cold ginger beer in the fridge for tonight.  It's so nice getting sober treats!  I used to spend so much on alcohol!  Now I get flowers, chocolate, fizzy drinks, a pair of shoes, whatever- anything and everything is better than booze.

When I started out, I wanted to do Belle's 100 Day Challenge, but as the days progressed, I realized what I really wanted to do was stop drinking for good.  Stop the almost daily/often mindless drinking; stop the headaches; stop the lack of self-respect; stop unhealthy behavior; stop the escapism; stop the overemotional indulgence; just stop!  Drinking has been connected with my life for a long time.  It has been an adjustment letting that aspect of existence go.  Really, when I stopped on 3/21, I felt like it was the right time and right moment.  The sober stars aligned, if you will.  I hope they stay in that pattern and I continue with this because it is such a good thing for me, my family, and my life.

I love Mrs. D's perspective and honesty about her experience.   She really was an inspiration for me, and continues to be.  Her steady, "determined" drinking habit didn't quite feel crazy/over-the-top (no DUIs, no blackouts, no abusive behavior, etc), but she knew in her heart how dysfunctional it was and that it was getting worse.  The longer she went without drinking, the more she was able to get in touch with herself.  She found that she had been avoiding emotions with drinking, something she'd never realized while boozing.  I completely relate to all of that.

Happy Friday to all and much love and support to every single person rolling along in their own journey toward getting sober or maintaining sobriety! <3

Future Cravings?

Sorry for the bummer post yesterday. It's important for me to post every day, even when I don't have much to say.  The many ebbs and flows of my moods.  Yikes.  Things are better today.  Watched a gray cat slink around my front yard this morning- he was so sweet and I felt like that was a good sign for the day.  I was coming home from a doctor's appointment earlier and had a vision of me drinking in the future, the mystical "one drink".  I had a yearning for it, but it's so funny because I have no desire to drink currently.  How can I have a future craving when I don't have a present one?  Weird.  Anyway, as UnTipsy Teacher says, I just find comfort in "not today".  Because I really have no desire today.  It's Friday and it isn't phasing me at all.  No biggie.  I just look forward to a great evening with my tiny man and my main man and my little lady (the dog).  I want to extend a Happy Friday to all and much support always from this corner of the world. :) <3

Peace to the Beast

My tiny angry beast seems to have disappeared the past several days.  What a relief... I hate feeling that way.  It isn't constant, but it's unpredictable and pops up from time to time.  I think what really helped to shift the madness tide was Un-Tipsy Teacher sharing a wise thought with me about her experience with anger...how it used to be that she felt like she "deserved" to be angry.  That has really stuck with me.  I hear entitlement in my anger, and now that I've recognized it, it seems I have more perspective about it.  It just clicked for me.  I get it now.  Like, "wow, this is not the end of the world- the universe isn't against you- it's just a bummer thing that happened and it will pass.." Yes, a bit like the cravings to drink/escape...in and out and onward.

I also think some of the things I've gotten angry at have been "safe" things to be mad about.  Like tripping on the stairs or something.  I might get super upset about that (doesn't last long, but really sours my day and puts me in a "poor me" mood)......but my anger about my dad's suffering at the end of his days and the way some of the providers treated him, that doesn't come out as anger, it just comes out as depression/sadness.  I don't know if that's an accurate thought, but I suspect there's something to it.  Anyway, happy Tuesday to all :).  Not Angry Tuesday, Happy Tuesday! :)

Not Today

Had a bunch of moments today that just felt right. Not a perfect day, but I had some good, mindful times throughout. Some days just slip by. Sometimes that's good. The sober days continue rolling and I lose count. I know I'm moving along towards 50. Will I ever drink again? I truly don't know. Sometimes I am haunted by "you will...of course you will." If only it were as easy as "you won't...of course you won't." I have no idea when drinking, or getting messed up in any way, became such a thing. I guess immediately, right from the start, for me. With alcohol, I am learning the depth of two small words that my wise sober comrade UnTipsy Teacher shared: not today. That is all, just not today. That is all I need. Such pressures I can pile on! Such angst. Who needs that. Just beautiful brief moments of not today.