Day 72: The Ghost of Drinking Future

A tough few days....and yet I survived them all, and survived them without a drop of booze.  Don't get me wrong- I had some urges.  They felt like knee-jerk reactions when things got particularly difficult, and though I recognized them for what they were, it didn't change the fact that they were indeed there.  I would think, this is horrible, wouldn't it be so helpful to mellow things a little?  Take a bit of the edge off.  Take some pain away.  Dull some bad memories.  Then soon after I think, ah but it would certainly not be mellowing..it would be consuming.  It would not do anything except make things worse.  Because of course IT WOULD NEVER BE JUST ONE!  Nope.  Not for me.  I see this very clearly.  I can see into the future...like the Ghost of Drinking Future.  I can see the pattern forming again very quickly, eerily quickly.  I shudder and know all too well that I cannot moderate, and really, at this point, I don't even want to or see any reason to.  Here it is Tuesday and I am able to look back thinking, well shoot, I did it.  I didn't drink through a weekend I knew would be tough, and that was tough.  So glad for this.

Day 71: Pain and Peace

This day runs deep in my heart but I find hope, love, and great comfort in my family. I am so thankful to spend time together, visit the cemetery, walk along the river, lay our son down to sleep, and see the sun setting. All of this experienced without alcohol and so much of it owing to this fact. I see no end in sight to not drinking and instead of feeling dread or anxiety, I feel relief, strength, and gratitude in the vast opportunity of life.

Day 70: Honoring Loss

Day 70 and it feels really good not drinking.  As I said, this is a tough weekend and I am moving through it as best I can, but I have a really sincere and proud feeling about not drinking my way through the difficulty.  I believe Mrs. D spoke about a time when she moved and felt that since she boozed throughout the process, she never really grieved the loss of her old home effectively until after she was sober.  I am starting to get that and feeling as though I am honoring the loss of my dad in a more real way.  It is still extremely difficult.

As far as urges or triggers, I've had a variety of different movements along the craving spectrum, but really nothing too intense, and certainly nothing that seriously made me consider drinking.  I don't want to do that at all.  Any brief thoughts of wanting to drink seem to get crushed by bigger thoughts of knowing it wouldn't just be one and that it would solve nothing and in fact only make things worse.  It isn't even really purposeful- I think my brain is just learning to respond to itself and I don't have to try too hard to "fight" the boozy voice.  Day 70.  It really is starting to feel real now.  Much love to you.

Day 69: Blessed

Such a tough day but the love of my family brings me so much comfort. Time together laughing, walking, playing, cooking, singing, just enjoying each other's presence and cherishing one another. I thought about my dad all day. I miss him all the time and I cried so hard for the loss of him. I think about how much he loved being a parent and that I am the exact same way. I realized that it being a holiday weekend and also the year anniversary of his death, I would normally have been drinking heavier than usual. It makes me so thankful to not be drinking any longer. I am free from that prison. I am blessed beyond belief and long to hold onto every single moment. Much love and support to all this weekend.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

Day 67: Sober Eyes

I have a picture of my little guy and myself at the park that my mother-in-law took in March.  It was a really beautiful day and I was 8 days sober I think.  I just love the picture so much.  I look happy and clear and peaceful.  That is how I felt.  Only myself and my husband knew about my stopping drinking, and it was (and mostly still is) a very lovely, private thing that continues to build in strength with each new day.  I love looking at the camera with sober eyes- I love these pictures of myself with a non-boozy brightness.  I am so thankful to not be drinking anymore.  It is so completely unnecessary for my life.  I did not see that before.  I am really beginning to see it now (again, with sober sight).  I just don't need it at all, and this not needing translates to not wanting, and vice versa.  This is so empowering.

I think SoberMummy spoke about the heaviness around being called an alcoholic, particularly for a mother.  I think this is why I don't want to be labeled that.  I have been a mother for such a short period of time, and I don't want to be labelled an alcoholic mom.  That makes me feel so, so down.  It's like, if you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic whether you are drinking or you're not drinking. Plus, you are an alcoholic for LIFE.  It's like a neon sign flashing above you whenever you are asked if you want a drink or are in some boozy situation- ALCOHOLIC!! ALCOHOLIC!!  I guess some people say recovering alcoholic, or reformed, or what not.  I would like to continue thinking that I am not alcoholic- I am a non-drinker.  This is a Jason Vale thing, if I remember.  Is it a cop out?  Who knows?  Who cares?  It's my life.  As long as I'm not drinking I feel like I'm entitled to call myself whatever the heck I want.  There is so much more to me than just drinking too much, or stopping drinking too much.

You know, I just thought of something else.  A while back, I stopped smoking pot, stopped smoking cigarettes, stopped doing other teenage drug things, and I don't consider myself to be a potoholic, cigaretteoholic, drugoholic.  I am just someone who doesn't do those things.  I don't think of myself as an addict, or ex-addict, or ex-smoker.  This is also a little Jason Vale-y.  But I have complete comfort in just saying I don't do that.  So I want to lump alcohol in there, too.  I just don't do it.  And it's very cool.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

Really-Really!

It's Day 65 for me today, and I think I am going to go back to keeping track of the days because it just feels good.  I have a real sense of accomplishment for every day, even though most days are not really "work" at all.  I am pleased to be sober and genuinely enjoy not drinking.  When I first began my journey, I read statements like that and thought, really?  I mean, really-really?  I can truly say yes, really-really, it is awesome not drinking.  I wanted to get to a place where I felt comfortable not drinking, felt like it was something I used to do and now I don't, and I believe I am beginning to reach that place.  Once again, I find it paramount that I never get cocky or overly-confident.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or even tonight honestly.  But I feel normal and I do not miss drinking.  Much love.

Partyoholic?

Feeling bummed today for a few different reasons.  Hopefully it'll pass.  Had an emotional evening last night and as it occurred, I thought about how normally I'd absolutely drink to help smooth things.  Now today I review the events and I think, well those issues are still here.  Drinking would have solved nothing.  At this point, if I drink, I think I am going to seriously feel regret because I have a great amount of satisfaction for the amount of time I've been sober.  It has added so much to my life.  To blow it off would be so, so sad.  It's also hard to think about starting over.  I have a very nice warm feeling now about being sober.  I am very content with it (for the most part).  It's just something I want for my life, and a real accomplishment.  I still don't know if I was/am an alcoholic.  That seems so funny saying that because I have this blog dedicated to helping me express my journey in SOBRIETY!  It's seems like, duh!  Nobody writes that much about it or needs that release if it's no big thing!  Maybe I'm in denial?  I think part of me feels like I was/am, and then another part of me feels like I am more of a partyoholic, like my "thing" never used to be booze...but it was always something.  Or perhaps an escapeoholic?  Escaping emotional extremes?  Not sure.  I guess I have the rest of my life to contemplate it.  Anyway, who really cares, my feeling now is that I don't want to drink or do anything mind-altering and that's what matters.  Mucho love always.

It Has Not Been Easy!!!

Okay, I just published that previous post, and now I immediately regret saying it has been (relatively) "easy" getting sober.  That is the wrong word.  I should have said it has been EMPOWERING getting sober, and that feeling has made it easier to maintain not drinking.  I just feel better not drinking, so I keep not doing it.  It is the truth!  But earlier on, especially the first couple of weeks, it was HARD!  And I have come out the other side completely sober.  No slips, no secret drinks.  Here is a depressing admission: early on at one point I thought, well I might drink, and if I do, I'll just shut down my blog and go hide.  Easy as that.  Ridiculous!  Now I can honestly say, the last thing I want to do is hide if something like that happens.  The reality of the difficulty of stopping and maintaining stopping is intense.  The vulnerability it takes to share when you have urges, share when you are feeling weak, and share when you fall or cave in- this is all a part of life and to be honored and absolutely can be related to be others.  I know when I have read about other people's relapses or cravings, or heard about them in person at a meeting, it doesn't make me feel badly about them or judge them AT ALL.  It is absolutely the opposite.  So yeah, maybe it was a little pink cloud talking.  I do not want to minimize the work it has been to maintain not drinking- it has been real, honest-to-God WORK!  But such good work!  Such valid and important work.  Must maintain it.  Much, much love to all.  Sorry for all the caps, by the way!

Warning: Weird Self-Grading Post Within

Good Sunday morning to all :). Had a nice discussion about drinking/not-drinking with my hubby in relation to time spent unhappy vs. peacefully.  I told him that sometimes it's been tough not drinking, but for the most part, it's really great and worth it not to be drinking by far. I really don't even think about drinking that much anymore.  It's been (I hesitate to say this but it's the truth) *relatively* easy to stop.  This is maybe because I was really ready to stop...?  I hope this doesn't sound overly confident.  I am still in what I consider to be very early days.  But I can only comment on my own experience, and it really just has, for the most part, been really awesome.  I would say stopping drinking has been..oh..maybe 94% awesome.  That's pretty good!  That's an A!  The times of urges or things of that nature are small and completely surmountable.  In contrast, while being a drink hound, there was more of a percentage of time unhappy (I believe), between regret, shame, fear, etc.  Hmm..maybe an average of 68% awesome.  That is unacceptable!  Is that a D?  Yikes.  So if I think about it from this perspective, perhaps when I am having an urge, I think well it really won't make me happier.  Just the opposite.  This sounds like BS but it's truly for real.

So This is Real Life..

Hello out there. Lazing now after  such a big day. Not too much energy to share anything very significant. Just wanted to say I feel good. Glad to not be drinking. It ended up that nobody was drinking while we were at the bridal shower (except for one lone dude) and I didn't even have time to think it until pretty much right now. The high energy and emotional aspect of the day was very distracting and certainly would have led me to imbibe upon arriving home after getting our guy to sleep. Probably more than usual because of everything from today. Then sleep and feeling crummy tomorrow. I really do love my new normal. Removing alcohol from the equation has been so, so good. No more dependence on it. No more obsessing about it. I know I write about it but I really don't think about it much at all, and certainly not much in relation to wanting to drink. I still have urges, but they haven't been intense and definitely haven't been anything I would act on. Yes, this new normal is good. It feels like real life. Please let it continue.

60 Days

60 complete days sober.  I can continue to honestly say that I LOVE not drinking.  As has been the case with other personal milestones (1 day, 20 days, 30 days), the number 60 feels a bit small, but when I really consider each day, I see the wide-reaching enormity of them all.  What will feel like a "big" number?  Maybe a year?  I think that's a pretty big one.  Either way, the victory of tiny days is a blessing.

I got a chocolate croissant for breakfast as a special treat, and I have a cold ginger beer in the fridge for tonight.  It's so nice getting sober treats!  I used to spend so much on alcohol!  Now I get flowers, chocolate, fizzy drinks, a pair of shoes, whatever- anything and everything is better than booze.

When I started out, I wanted to do Belle's 100 Day Challenge, but as the days progressed, I realized what I really wanted to do was stop drinking for good.  Stop the almost daily/often mindless drinking; stop the headaches; stop the lack of self-respect; stop unhealthy behavior; stop the escapism; stop the overemotional indulgence; just stop!  Drinking has been connected with my life for a long time.  It has been an adjustment letting that aspect of existence go.  Really, when I stopped on 3/21, I felt like it was the right time and right moment.  The sober stars aligned, if you will.  I hope they stay in that pattern and I continue with this because it is such a good thing for me, my family, and my life.

I love Mrs. D's perspective and honesty about her experience.   She really was an inspiration for me, and continues to be.  Her steady, "determined" drinking habit didn't quite feel crazy/over-the-top (no DUIs, no blackouts, no abusive behavior, etc), but she knew in her heart how dysfunctional it was and that it was getting worse.  The longer she went without drinking, the more she was able to get in touch with herself.  She found that she had been avoiding emotions with drinking, something she'd never realized while boozing.  I completely relate to all of that.

Happy Friday to all and much love and support to every single person rolling along in their own journey toward getting sober or maintaining sobriety! <3

Boozeless Shower

We are going to a co-ed bridal shower this weekend.  Most of my husband's family and extended family will be there.  They are really great people and I'm excited to go- even more so now that I've stopped drinking!  Can you believe that?  Being excited about attending a social event, where almost everyone will be drinking, and where I of course would also have been partaking before 3/21/16?  Yes!  I am stoked.

I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all!   Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive.  But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that.  It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave.  I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself.  I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).

Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks!  Mainly soda.  I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on.  I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good.  Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway.  Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink.  I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!).  We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, so far, so good today.  Much love.

Kindred Spirits

Had a wonderful day with my little guy. He has such a big heart. I love being around him. At one point while he was playing, I made small presents for each of my bereavement group members because tonight was our final meeting. It was a beautiful last gathering. I was thinking that AA is a support group as well. It is such a cool thing to be able to go be with your people/tribe/kindred spirits for a time, when you need it most or just to stay afloat. I haven't been to an AA meeting in a little while now and for some reason lately I've been having an urge to attend one. I don't quite know why. I don't feel like drinking at all...very much the opposite. I have absolutely loved not drinking. I guess maybe the meetings help keep this real, keep the fact that I want to continue living an alcohol-free life a reality. Other things help too, like writing in my blog, talking with my husband. I'm feeling good approaching my 60 days and I guess I just want to stay that way. Maybe I'm being protective of my sobriety. I wonder if that makes sense. It helps being around others in person who are on their own journey of stopping drinking. Anyway, much love to all out there, wherever you may be.

I Love It

Another day and night coming to a close. It is Day 58. Is this forever? Will this be the only Day 58 I'll ever have?  I am at the point where I think, "I hope so". I like that thought. I like not drinking. I really do. That is so cool. And the day count is starting to have the feeling of a little weight behind it, in my head. A wee bit of weight. It is starting to feel really real and also very, very comfortable. It's something I want to keep doing.  I am proud of this time. I like the current zone I'm in, because there is a little bit of comedy, a little bit of tragedy, and overall a bit of poetry in this whole process, for me anyway. I love it.

Hi Diddly Ho!

So....I feel like my blog talks about a lot of downer stuff- I mean, the topics of death and drinking- not exactly encompassing the super-goodtimes-happy zone!  These are aspects of life (not just mine) and completely relevant to be working through, and the anonymity of this blog has helped me to be open about how I feel.  That said, today is really a good, smooth day, and I just wanted to share that.  Yay!  No soul-crushing grief or strange cravings to drink!  Not much obsession or rumination on either topic, to be honest.  Really, it's been so good.  Lots of time hanging with my son- he is the best.  I am so thankful to be able to be with him.  Also, my relationship with my husband is just, well, it kicks ass.  I am so lucky.  You know, if I would have continued drinking, going along as I had been, who knows what the future might have brought?  My drinking may have (almost definitely would have) gotten worse/increasingly dysfunctional/more of an issue....who knows where it would've led us all?  My son is still only under a year old, and I hear about some moms who hang out in play groups and drink wine or something.  It is so accepted!  I'm sure I would have gotten into that at some point.  That is bothersome.  Plus, you know me, it wouldn't have stopped with the wine at play time.  More drinking in the evening!  Errrg!  I don't like imagining darker times, but it's good to every now and again.  Is this becoming a downer post again? Drats!  Let me end with my extremely honest gratitude for not being a drinker anymore.  No real cravings to speak of, no end in sight (in a good way).  It's just really cool.  I love no longer being a boozy mom/wife/woman/human.  It is awesome!! :) <3

Authentic Voice

Been super distracted with fantasies of moving and also had some rough patches in the day, but as they occured I had no desire or urge to drink. I didn't think of it at all until some point when I had a random thought that drinking does not help in any real way. It's funny how used to drinking I had gotten, because before it would be a no brainer- have a drink to soothe the ole problems.  Instead, I cried a little, breathed, talked with my husband, tended to my tiny man, hung out with my little dog, took a beautiful walk at the park with everyone, and things just got better. Sometimes I have weirdo thoughts and talking them out with my husband gives me perspective and I see how cuckoo they really are..or see the validity in them..or both. I am finding a more honest and open voice when it comes to communicating, at least with my husband. We have always been a couple that clicks and just gets each other (grateful every day for that), but I feel like I've been a little more upfront with him lately, and that I've been able to explain how I think or feel in more effective ways. It is so awesome. I wonder if it has to do with not drinking? Much love to all.

Rolling Along

Solid day with a whiff here and there of drinking in the future but truly no desire for drinking today. Feels so wonderful not drinking. I love it. 60 days will happen this coming week. I am doing this.

Tonight I Believe

Saturday night and no dreams of drinking. Sun and storm mix through the sky. The wind is a rhythm. I am blessed and thankful to be alive and I miss my dad more than anything.

Future Cravings?

Sorry for the bummer post yesterday. It's important for me to post every day, even when I don't have much to say.  The many ebbs and flows of my moods.  Yikes.  Things are better today.  Watched a gray cat slink around my front yard this morning- he was so sweet and I felt like that was a good sign for the day.  I was coming home from a doctor's appointment earlier and had a vision of me drinking in the future, the mystical "one drink".  I had a yearning for it, but it's so funny because I have no desire to drink currently.  How can I have a future craving when I don't have a present one?  Weird.  Anyway, as UnTipsy Teacher says, I just find comfort in "not today".  Because I really have no desire today.  It's Friday and it isn't phasing me at all.  No biggie.  I just look forward to a great evening with my tiny man and my main man and my little lady (the dog).  I want to extend a Happy Friday to all and much support always from this corner of the world. :) <3

Low

Hi. Feeling a little low so I decided to clean the house and move furniture around.  It helps switching things up, though it's tough to do with the little guy keeping me busy.  Wish I could escape with my family but it's not a reality for us right now.  I miss my dad.  Nobody talks about him.  Sorry for the weird and random post.  Sometimes things are just off.  No desire to drink.  Much love to all always.

Mental Note: I Don't Drink Anymore!

It's morning- another day behind me of not drinking and another day ahead of me not drinking. It is completely fine. At this point I don't even think about it like it's a big old day ahead of me.  I don't really think about it at all.  I just don't drink.  I am thinking about alcohol a lot less- awesome!

Today is Wednesday. It's not even a weekend day and in times past I would have absolutely allowed myself to have a couple of drinks on a Wednesday evening. Today I have no inclination to do that. Even with bereavement class tonight, it is just so awesome for my new normal to be not drinking as opposed to drinking. I cannot say enough about that. It feels so good.

Lately my husband and I have been getting really down about the area we live in.  Slowly but surely it's been chipping away at both of us.  There is a lot of good around the city, but so much hostility and sadness too.  We dream of moving and last night I found myself thinking of a new area and wanting to drink in the new area (for some reason).  It just popped into my brain and I thought, "Hmm, the new area may have a wine culture surrounding it..that would be fun...going to wineries.."  It was weird, it's like I forgot I don't drink anymore.  When I "remembered", I had sort of a woe is me moment, like, "Gee, that's a drag..why can't I have a drink in a new area?  What a bummer not to be able to go to wineries.  They are so fun and beautiful...not being able to have a drink sounds like such a shame.."

Then I remembered my full story: There is no "a drink"!  It's an illusion!  And I began to let that sink in more and realized how cool it would be continuing to NOT drink.  Much cooler than initially enjoying a drink or two, then it spiraling into what it used to be, which I am sure it would.  That would really be so much more invigorating, a better way to maintain and enhance my self-respect, and a better way to keep existing.  Who needs wine to enjoy a beautiful setting?  It is completely meaningless and for me, only leads to darkness instead of light.  To maintain not drinking seems more and more appealing the longer it is a reality for me.  The tide is shifting on that, because before, it felt like drinking "at some point" was more appealing.  I am feeling very glad that these cravings or momentary lapses of memory are pretty infrequent and absolutely not strong at all. I am still adjusting.  Who needs to live in a boozy culture, anyway!  Our culture is already boozy enough without living in a town that prides itself on its wineries or breweries or what have you.  Wishing all well who may be reading this, whatever your struggle may be.

Peace to the Beast

My tiny angry beast seems to have disappeared the past several days.  What a relief... I hate feeling that way.  It isn't constant, but it's unpredictable and pops up from time to time.  I think what really helped to shift the madness tide was Un-Tipsy Teacher sharing a wise thought with me about her experience with anger...how it used to be that she felt like she "deserved" to be angry.  That has really stuck with me.  I hear entitlement in my anger, and now that I've recognized it, it seems I have more perspective about it.  It just clicked for me.  I get it now.  Like, "wow, this is not the end of the world- the universe isn't against you- it's just a bummer thing that happened and it will pass.." Yes, a bit like the cravings to drink/escape...in and out and onward.

I also think some of the things I've gotten angry at have been "safe" things to be mad about.  Like tripping on the stairs or something.  I might get super upset about that (doesn't last long, but really sours my day and puts me in a "poor me" mood)......but my anger about my dad's suffering at the end of his days and the way some of the providers treated him, that doesn't come out as anger, it just comes out as depression/sadness.  I don't know if that's an accurate thought, but I suspect there's something to it.  Anyway, happy Tuesday to all :).  Not Angry Tuesday, Happy Tuesday! :)

Day 50

Hey there! How goes it?  Things are up, down, and all around here, but one thing remains- I love not drinking. I just love it so much.  It's Day 50 for me today and I count this as 50 days of awesome, enlightening, positive, non-drinking growth.  I have missed alcohol here and there the past few days but truly nothing major.  It is usually a holdover from coping with drinking for so long.  In stopping drinking, I have never wanted to feel like I was depriving myself.  I just wanted to get the place where I  simply did not want to drink.  I am getting there.  When I miss drinking I think about it a little deeply and realize that I miss something that doesn't really exist.  I miss the imaginary one drink.  It really just doesn't exist for me.  I can imagine having a glass of wine and it being nice.  Then I can imagine the reality of what happens next.  The first one unlocks a desire for one more.  Then the second one is the one that unlocks the "screw it, more!" attitude.  And then there I am with 3 or 4 drinks in my system when all I had wanted was one.  And also the cycle of that happening almost every day begins.  And perhaps it leading to darker times down the line.  It's a bit chilling.  I must continue to remember that is the natural chain of events for me.  I can't stop at thinking of just one because there is more to the story than that.  I can't just leave the rest of the story unread/ignored.  It's there and it would be wrong and silly to deny it.  It's all good.  Really.  50 days!  Doesn't sound like that many really, but I love every single one of them nonetheless.  I really want to keep this going.  Anyone out there, if you feel like you are really ready to stop/reevaluate, I 100% say go for it!  50 days ago I saw drinking as a necessary, natural, inevitable part of life.  Now I see it as completely the opposite.  I see it as taken way too casually by our society, I see it as a much darker thing than I did before, and I just see it as not at all necessary to have in my existence.  It just doesn't need to be there at all.  Nothing I do or go through "needs" alcohol.  Nothing I experience needs to be experienced with drinking.  Let us celebrate, grieve, and be together as clear, beautiful beings.  I thought about the nature of "I need a drink" and it just makes me so sad to think about that.  It simply doesn't need to be true at all.  Who "needs" a drink?  Is that the only way to cope?  "I am incapable of dealing this without alcohol" is really what I hear in that.  What a drag!  What a fallacy.  Alcohol.  Such a goofy, weird little devil of a thing.  And all it takes to not have it effect things in my life is to simply not drink.  It is still sinking in but I really am coming to get this in a more full way with each day.  When I say drinking, I really should specify altering my mind in general.  I have long since given up the other things but they should be included.  I don't want to alter my life any longer.  I just want to live it as a real person.  So Happy 50 days to me and to everyone else celebrating their 50 days as well!  Let it all continue to roll along in peace.  Much love and support to all.

Mother's Day

Hello out there. Such a busy day. Very good times spent with family. We are always go-go-going on a holiday and it sometimes seems to slip by. It's a little tough but still very good to be with everyone. Feeling super not drinking. Good conversation with my husband about drinking and my dysfunction surrounding it. Home now with our tiny guy tucked in upstairs and our tiny dog tucked between us on the couch. Happy Mother's Day to all Moms with much love.

Full of Love

What an awesome day. Attended our buddy's MFA show and then a crowded reception with some hip folks and bubbly flowing. I truly enjoyed not drinking. It was great. Our little guy was so good throughout. Beautiful evening outside for our family walk. Then I made a quiche for Mother's Day and here I am writing. I feel so happy to not be drinking. I feel like a real mother and a real person. It is amazing. I miss my dad so much. He would be so proud. I was calm and open and loving today. I am communicating well with my husband about different things and we are really connecting. Very thankful for it all.

Thank You

Just a last calm sigh as the day comes to a close. Certain things felt big and other things felt small today. I feel like I had a growing perspective throughout the day. A day of trusting, waiting, listening. Not pushing too hard. Not too much pressure. And no drinking, no missing drinking, nothing like that. Time with my beautiful family. Thank you God, if you exist. Thank you to whatever God is.

Beautiful Quiet Rainy Friday

Rainy here and I'm feeling pretty subdued.  Had a long conversation with my husband last night and I think it helped process/resolve a bunch of stuff that's been lingering in my head and heart.  I am melancholy today but calm and have gotten a bit more self-assured and at peace as the day has progressed.  During the talk we had, I felt a few random and brief urges to drink, but they really weren't powerful.   I think they were coping-habit urges.  They were not serious.  I heard them, acknowledged them, and they just passed.  I feel so incredibly good not drinking.  It's like I am me again.  It's weird.  I am still early days, but I feel different.  I feel normal.  It's wonderful.  Still haven't really had any major "tests" and haven't hung out much with friends lately.  Our little guy has a lot to do with that.  In my head, I imagine it not being a big deal at all about not drinking.  Hopefully that's how it will be.  Sometimes I just feel like there are so much more important things to be concerned with, and I love that because I think it means I am adjusting/learning/growing.  It's Friday and normally I would be drinking this evening.  It's so great not to.  I mean that.  It's not something I am fighting.  It's just no desire.  Maybe I was just really ready when I stopped.  I hope this continues.  Happy weekend to all. <3

Doomed to Rage??

Errrrg, something is wrong.  I have some serious anger that isn't going away.  It's such a secret, too.  Most people truly would never know.  I need to get to the bottom of things.  I try not to but I just have tiny explosions around the house.  Only the dog knows.  And my son, although I really do try to unleash my little ragey demon in another room.  I feel like such a monster.  It comes from such small stuff.  Not every little thing, but it's unpredictable.  I absolutely despise it!!! I never thought of myself as an angry person- never!  Have I just never effectively released anger my whole life, and now it's just leaking out in unhealthy ways?  Is it more to do with my dad and the loss and everything leading up to his death and unresolved stuff?  Is it being a new mom?  Is it not drinking?  Is it normal to have this anger because the emotions have been dulled for so long and this is still so new?  If so, when does it stop?? What is wrong with me?  Through it all, no desire to drink...a little sober beam of light. But jeez, I need to calm down.  Do I analyze the why behind the anger or do I just let it roll and find healthy ways to release it because as they say, anger is normal and healthy?  Ugh.

Randomish

Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.

New Normal

I've been super weird today. Edgy, discontent. I hate feeling like this but it's just how things are today. Through this though, I can honestly say I don't feel like drinking at all.  Not at all!  I just simply don't feel like it.  I am not forcing myself to not drink, I'm not longing for it but avoiding it- I just don't have any desire for it!  I've realized that this is becoming my new normal....NOT drinking, as opposed to my normal being drinking.  Does that make sense?  I was a drinker, now I am not.  Most nights involved alcohol, now nights involve fun boozeless drinks/good food/naughty food/just generally hanging and happening to not be drinking.  It's something I used to do, and now I don't. Cool. :) <3

100th Post!

It hit me when I was standing in the kitchen: I have been pretty darn tootin' productive since I got sober.  It's weird to say that..."got sober".............am I sober?  I mean, I am.  No alcohol or mind-altering substance (besides caffeine) this entire time.  It's just that the word sober feels so official- not in a bad way, but...it sounds so accomplished and has a lot of weight behind it.  I feel so far from that.  It takes time to get there, I guess. And the only way to get there is one day at a time, of course.  But yeah, been pretty productive!  Still learning Spanish, keeping tidier, playing a bit more music than before, being a more present mom, keeping a bit more organized, reading a lot more, enjoying time with my husband, blogging, gardening, doing bereavement class, left social work school because it just wasn't the right fit for me, listening to my inner self more, going out for evening walks with my family when weather allows, exploring my heart and soul more, just generally LIVING more.  It is awesome.  I have 43 complete days and this is my 100th post.  Hope all are well, the newly sober and old-timers alike.

Not Today

Had a bunch of moments today that just felt right. Not a perfect day, but I had some good, mindful times throughout. Some days just slip by. Sometimes that's good. The sober days continue rolling and I lose count. I know I'm moving along towards 50. Will I ever drink again? I truly don't know. Sometimes I am haunted by "you will...of course you will." If only it were as easy as "you won't...of course you won't." I have no idea when drinking, or getting messed up in any way, became such a thing. I guess immediately, right from the start, for me. With alcohol, I am learning the depth of two small words that my wise sober comrade UnTipsy Teacher shared: not today. That is all, just not today. That is all I need. Such pressures I can pile on! Such angst. Who needs that. Just beautiful brief moments of not today.

Waves of May

Today it is May. A brand new month begun sober. I did not drink the entire month of April. Feels damn good. May is going to be hard. Hopefully not for drinking, but absolutely for grieving. All one can do is their best.