Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Full of Love

What an awesome day. Attended our buddy's MFA show and then a crowded reception with some hip folks and bubbly flowing. I truly enjoyed not drinking. It was great. Our little guy was so good throughout. Beautiful evening outside for our family walk. Then I made a quiche for Mother's Day and here I am writing. I feel so happy to not be drinking. I feel like a real mother and a real person. It is amazing. I miss my dad so much. He would be so proud. I was calm and open and loving today. I am communicating well with my husband about different things and we are really connecting. Very thankful for it all.

100th Post!

It hit me when I was standing in the kitchen: I have been pretty darn tootin' productive since I got sober.  It's weird to say that..."got sober".............am I sober?  I mean, I am.  No alcohol or mind-altering substance (besides caffeine) this entire time.  It's just that the word sober feels so official- not in a bad way, but...it sounds so accomplished and has a lot of weight behind it.  I feel so far from that.  It takes time to get there, I guess. And the only way to get there is one day at a time, of course.  But yeah, been pretty productive!  Still learning Spanish, keeping tidier, playing a bit more music than before, being a more present mom, keeping a bit more organized, reading a lot more, enjoying time with my husband, blogging, gardening, doing bereavement class, left social work school because it just wasn't the right fit for me, listening to my inner self more, going out for evening walks with my family when weather allows, exploring my heart and soul more, just generally LIVING more.  It is awesome.  I have 43 complete days and this is my 100th post.  Hope all are well, the newly sober and old-timers alike.