Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.

Day 228: Stunted

Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore.  Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways.  I think it stunted me emotionally.  I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior.  It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.

This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning.  I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:

"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."

What the....?  It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness?  NEED to drink?  Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management?  Have I even tried?  Why is booze my only option?  Why is it my savior?  Why did I even think this?  Another knee-jerk?  ????

I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought.  It's really clear I have some issues.  I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation.  So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things.  I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!

On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink.  Much love always.

Day 227: Part 2

Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.

Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.

I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.

For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.

Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Day 226: Cold Medicine?

I have been a bit under the weather and rundown from a cold the past few days, and the slightly rough part is that I'm uncomfortable with taking any cold medicine that contains alcohol.  I've taken some non-alcohol stuff and it just really hasn't helped too much.  I have responded well to Nyquil in the (boozy) past and I'm wishing I could take it now, but I'm scared of how it might affect me or if it would flip the tiniest of switches in my head and turn me toward drinking sooner or later.  I don't want to underestimate the potential for this to happen.  How sad would it be to start drinking again after taking little ole Nyquil??  I am trying not to have any illusions about anything and anticipate as much as possible.  Anyone ever have experience with this?  Still happy to not be drinking.  Happy November to all with much love.

Day 225: Boo!

Happy Halloween :)! I love this holiday- it is so much fun!  In the past it was a big-time excuse to get my drink on (when wasn't??).  Now I have no desire to drink.  I am so much more at peace with things.  So thankful that right now, I not only do not drink, but I do not WANT to drink.  Much love.

Day 222: Oreos Before Bed? Don't Mind If I Do..

It's Friday! No drinking here. Tonight it feels like alcohol really has lost power over me. I just don't want it. I am so thankful for that because I know this feeling can come and it can go. I am just grateful to experience it, right now. Much love to you out there.

Day 221: Day 220 Slipped By!

Didn't get a chance to write yesterday but all is well and boozeless. Not much more to share right now. Much love always.

Day 219: Time is Passing and I'm Not Drinking and It Is Awesome

Thankful for Day 219. Better today. Goofy, thoughtful, loving, and mostly calm day. Support and love to all those in early days and in later days.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 217: Bright Fall Day

Grooving right along on Day 217. Not much to share besides it was a beautiful, spiritual day spent with my family.  I am overwhelmed with love for them. Alcohol was a non-issue today and I am so, so thankful for that. With much love always.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 213: Let This Please Continue

A really nice day today. Baby story time with my son at the library, lots of playing, productivity, patience, bonding, pizza. I even made a little music today. That hasn't happened in a while. I can't recall any booze urge today. So thankful for that. Whatever is going on in my head and heart, let it please continue. With love to you, wherever you are.

Day 212: The Past and Beyond

Crazy how a memory can just destroy you a little bit, in such an unexpected instant.  Things hit me all the time, reminding me of my dad.  It is still so hard.  I suspect it always will be.

A strong feeling of contentment with not drinking.  It was so out of hand before.  I really have to keep going and look back only with the wisdom that being sober is so much better for my life.  I can only be grateful for right now, and know that I can't take not drinking for granted.

Not much else to share.  Been a little out of sorts today but also weirdly productive.   Much love always.

Day 211: Blue Sky

It probably seems like I spend a lot of my time obsessing about not drinking- I mean, I (try to) write a daily blog about it for goodness sake!  But I really do not think about it much.  It has gotten to the point where it's my new normal and as such, it's just part of my routine.  I love that!!  It's something I feared would never happen when I was earlier on in the sobersphere.

Sometimes my blog is the only notable time I think about alcohol at all, which I think is a great thing because stuff is always bubbling around there in the nether-regions of my brain, as evidenced by the many words that flow out about not drinking.  So it's great to get it out.

The town we moved to is small and it is so different from where we used to live.  Before, booze was a definite part of the local environment.  Liquor stores all over the place, people doing their thing, drugging, bars all around.  There was this one spot I used to get my wine/beer at- sometimes it would have a full parking lot before 11am.  No joke, a full lot.  Where we are now, it is so much sleepier. There is even a college nearby and you would seriously never know it.  It's not a drinking town at all.  There's like..2 bars?  No liquor stores I can think of in the downtown area.  I'm sure they exist but they are super low key, so low key I haven't even noticed them.  I absolutely love that we are now in a place that just doesn't seem to care about alcohol, or at least hasn't bought into pushing it down the community's throat, as it were.  I get really excited thinking about my son growing up in a culture that isn't permeated by booze, both inside and outside of our house.

Having a good day and wanted to share.  The mads have been kept at bay for some reason, so I'm stoked about that.  Much love and peace to all those in need or in pain, whether physical, emotional, or all of the above.

Day 210: Looking Ahead

Busy weekend but not much to speak of, boozish-wise. I've just generally been really thankful to not be drinking and to be closing in on 7 months. What an accomplishment for me. Soon come the holidays, the new year, my birthday. It would be so wonderful to reach age 35 as a happily sober person. That needs to be the gift I give to myself. One step at a time, with much love always.

P.S. Bob Ross is on Netflix!!

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.

Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 206: Hello Out There

We moved to a new state and there has been a lot going on, including a long delay in obtaining new internet.  I am so glad to be sitting here writing because this blog means a lot to me and I know I need to make it a priority to write more frequently.  It is rejuvenating to process the thoughts and emotions and other "muck" :).

So, yes, I am still currently sober and it is still really great.  I have struggled here and there with wanting to drink.   A couple of moments have been tough, but for the most part things have been manageable.  I never regret not drinking and the urges always, always fade.  I know I would instantly regret drinking if I did, so as of now, I continue along this route.  It has been working for me!

Stress and sadness make me want to drink.  Big shocker, right?  Getting overwhelmed with what I am responsible for, what I have yet to do, overwhelmed with grief, feeling lonesome/alone, anger, when I let myself down, when I let my husband or my son down, etc.  It all feels awful, so I still feel my go-to coping mechanism kick in, like hey! You know what would push these crappy feelings away?  Booze!  Sometimes it's even just simply walking past a bar in town (of which there are thankfully very few) and seeing a sign advertising special for my old favorite beer (Yuengling) for some random weeknight.  I have a little longing like, gee, that sounds nice.  And I think, well that isn't practical and it isn't realistic.  Because of course: it is never just one.  I continue to recognize this.  I have forced those words into the forefront of my heart and mind in this journey.  There is no just one for me.  Either I never learned how to have just one or I never had the just-one gene to begin with- either way, same result.  So when I get to feeling down and drinkish, I think a few steps ahead.  I first think of myself drinking and enjoying it.  Then I think of myself drinking more and starting to not enjoy it.  Then I think of myself drinking the way I used to, and that is just too depressing to think about anymore.  That usually does the trick.

My son is starting to wake up so I have to cut this short.  Sending much love always to every single person out there struggling no matter what your issue.

Day 148: Tiny Cracks

I am a little ashamed of letting my writing slip so long.  It has been and continues to be such a meaningful tool for helping me to continue maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we've had a lot going on- my son turned 1 and we had a family party for him; I completed my summer class and got an A (big accomplishment for me- a lot of hard work).  Very recently, we have also begun planning a big move across the country, and this I believe has been leading me down a little bit of a rabbit hole.  I have felt my grip slipping a bit.  It's not been unmanageable, but little urge-y cracks have been forming quicker than I am able to spackle them up.  I am really scared about the move.  Scared about adjusting to a new life.  It will hopefully be a big step up for our family and we are really excited about it, but what a change it will be.  I feel myself beginning to think I can handle a drink here and there in a new place, knowing I can't, but feeling it nonetheless.  I very rarely think about drinking at all here- if I do, it's just in a remembering way, definitely not in a longing way.  I guess I'm having a bit of a tough time.  The emotional aspect of telling family we are moving halfway across the company is probably what has me down right now.  I think I am going to try and open up a bit more on here.  I do not want to drink and I do not want to be a boozy mom, or a coper-with-booze, or a boozy anything, except a non-boozer.  Think I'll try to write more later.  Sorry for a downer post, other things are really good here.  Hope all is well and much love to you always.

Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 123: 4 Months Sober!

Wow, four months sober! Very cool.  I love that my sober day is 3/21 and I have 123 days today...just a funky coincidence but I find a little comfort in it.  Four months doesn't really seem like very long to me honestly, but when I think about how far I've come and how fast the time has been flying lately, it really is an accomplishment.

One of the biggest things I've noticed is that I am a lot less angry.  I used to be a little unpredictably explosive.  These outbursts were sort of like tantrums and I was ashamed of them but they just continued to occur.  There is nothing wrong with anger- it's healthy, of course.  I just felt like the things I'd get mad at were so useless and trivial.  I have seen a therapist a few times and she suggested perhaps these were things that were "safe" to let my anger out at.  I liked that explanation a lot...but it didn't stop them from cropping up.

The thing is, they hardly ever happen anymore!  Could be due to not drinking, could be due to continuing along through bereavement, could be both, who the heck knows- I like myself more now, though.

Just thought I'd share.  Still very busy with class and my tiny guy.  I value and appreciate the support I've received thus far on my journey.  Thank you so much.  Hope all are well and much love to you.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 110: First Sober Bar Experience- Done

Been on my first blog hiatus- I missed you, blog.  I have just been doing really well and studying a lot for a major test..somehow the days got away from me, which I guess is a good thing.  I loved blogging every day for my 100 days and I still intend to post but maybe not as frequently.  Feeling great about being at Day 110 today, although the gun violence in this country is so hard to understand.  I am so upset about the events in St. Paul, Baton Rouge, and Dallas.  It's like we are reliving the same situations over and over again.  I hate to be bleak but it feels hopeless here sometimes.

I want to keep this focused on booze/quitting booze however, so I thought I would share an experience I had last night- it involved going to a bar (!) and not drinking (!!!!!).  I met my good friend (the one I told early on about quitting drinking- she is awesome) at a trendyish coffee shop but we determined that they didn't have enough in the way of good eats for us.  We decided to go to this bar/restaurant (after my friend asked if it was okay with me- very kind of her and I told her I thought it would be fine- plus I was curious how I'd take it).  This place used to be somewhat of a hangout for boozy me.  So, we went there and immediately I had a feeling wash over me of, huh, not drinking, this is weird, a tiny bit of a drag.  A feeling of nostalgia for the many boisterous times there with friends.  And then, it struck me- I never actually liked the alcohol there.  In fact, I ALWAYS ended up feeling like crap after I drank there.  Their beer just never sat well with me (never stopped me, of course...sigh).  They brew their own and it's a little fancy and I guess my body just never learned how to process it (why should it learn- that is horrible!).  Not only that, I consciously reminded myself that alcohol is completely unnecessary to hang out with my friend.  I simply don't need it.  It's all about just spending time together, catching up, eating some good food, and hanging.  So my longing/urge faded very quickly.  It hadn't even been particularly strong though I acknowledged it did exist- probably a normal/expected amount of existence.  I was going to order something cool like lime and selzer but I just settled on good old Coca Cola.  Had two actually- got a little buzzed on caffeine.

My whole point with this ramblingness is that I conquered my first bar experience and it was completely fine.  I see time and again that my true trigger is grief and extremely dark feelings about the loss of my dad, but even then it really hasn't been anything that worried me or seriously tempted me besides the one major time early on.  So hooray!  Not planning to be hanging out in bars or anything but I enjoy being able to be flexible about where to hang with friends.  It will be interesting to go to a place that I loved drinking at.  I wonder if I'm ready.  Not rushing out there, that's for sure.  Really, my favorite place to drink was at home and that feels pretty conquered, so I am grateful for that.

Wishing all well who were involved in the recent events this week across the country.  Much love to you.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 103: Problem Drinker

I just finished reading Sober is the New Black, by Rachel Black.  Really great book!!  It's a quick read- left me wanting more.  Relate so much to the author's language and experiences with boozing/quitting booze.  Very cool woman, insightful, honest.  I loved it and highly recommend to those searching for a positive recovery book that isn't all about the "before"- there is some description here and there of "Then" and "Now", but it is largely a book documenting the first year of this gal's sobriety.  I'm not into the books that revolve around the debauchery of drinking- I want to read about the recovery experience.

While reading, I of course thought about my own habits and experiences.  I remembered other situations in which the event I was a part of revolved around alcohol (whether in my head only or for all involved).  It really makes me sad to think back to so many years of being consumed by wanting to catch a buzz (of some sort).  How did I get like that?  I never could stop.  Never learned how to stop.  Never cared to learn how to say "that's enough for me" or "no thanks".

There is a point in the book that the author talks about considering having a drink ("What's the big deal?") and then thinks about it further and understands that she will never be able to moderate.  That she had tried moderating for years and was unsuccessful, and in fact, got worse.  Why would she be able to take periods off, be able to take it or leave it, after having that one drink?  She would not be able to.  I am exactly the same way.  If I drank now, I see that it would lead to more drinking.  I wouldn't be able to have a drink at dinner tonight, then a drink in a month or 2, then a drink at the holidays, etc.  Why on earth would I think otherwise?  If I have one, I have instantly given myself permission to do it again.  I would be a drinker again.  It wouldn't be casual, even if I managed to convince myself it was.  Even if I literally did follow that "schedule" of a drink now, and then one again in weeks or months' time.  I would be miserable.  I would anxiously await the time I could drink again.  The time between would get shorter and shorter, and I would get more down on myself especially if I was failing at personal "goals", and then I would decide to drown the ole sorrows.  I can see it and it sucks.  I do not want to be that person anymore.

Not sure if this means I am coming closer to admitting I am an alcoholic.  I feel like saying, well what the heck else could I be??  I can't have "just one", I've had to abstain entirely, I blog about my experience GETTING SOBER, I have been to AA....what else is it going to take to admit it??

I think I hold back because I am a mother now.  It's weird logic, I know.  Before I had my son, if I would have gone into this phase of life (sober phase), I think I would be a lot more comfortable saying that I am an alcoholic, using that label, etc.  It affected only me.  But now I have my beautiful little dude, and being his mother, I feel like it makes me sound like less of a mother- maybe not less, but not as "good" of a mother.  It tarnishes it.  I know that's horrible to say, particularly because there are so many awesome moms out there who are self-proclaimed alcoholics or recovered alcoholics or what have you.  It's like you stop drinking and you immediately have a label forever...ALCOHOLIC!  ALCOHOLIC!  It's depressing, no?  I don't want to be 30 years sober and still call myself an alcoholic.  It seems so sad.  It's like, I was an alcoholic when I was drinking!  Now I am NOT one, because I have stopped!  Sigh.  Who knows.  I feel I am content with the label "problem drinker".  Maybe it's a cop out.  I feel like it's admitting I had/have a problem and can't drink like a "normal" person, but still doesn't carry the weight that "alcoholic" does.

Anyhoo- hope all are well :). Much love.

Day 102: In My Heart, I Know

Calm yet productive day today. Had some moderation thoughts, nothing too serious. In my heart I know I should never drink again....in my head, I get a little mixed up. No desire to drink at all in present time, however. I had sad thoughts of past experiences and how much/often they relied on alcohol, how it was really all about the alcohol. I never want to be in that circumstance again. I never want to have an evening orchestrated purely for drinking and have human companionship secondary. What a lonely way to live. Not every gathering was like that, and the degree to which that was true shifted, but still. Feeling very glad to not be drinking and sending some positive vibes out to everyone. Much love.

Day 101: Beautiful Years Ahead

And just like that, I am into my 100's...feeling extremely good about this!  I absolutely do NOT want to become complacent- I want to continue not drinking, and continue enjoying not drinking.  It is so amazing to not be drinking my life away!  I am so sad to realize how long I've been living under a veil of substances.  20 years!  Wow.  Time for the next 20 years to be about ME, my family, my passions in life- not about stinky old booze, and the bummer etceteras that go along with it.  I want to make these years count.  I do not need alcohol in my life anymore!!!  Must keep that close to my heart!  Much love to all.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 99: Eve of Triple Digits

Just a brief note to say I am thankful to be here and I have to keep going.  Much love.

Day 98: The Sober Unicycle

I am caught up in so much classwork and it's been a challenge because we have found our spare time limited throughout most of June for various reasons.  Regardless, I am very happy to find myself at Day 98.  I am thankful for so much of these past days and as I look closer and closer at my approaching Day 100, I feel so good to have come this far.  It has helped writing each and every day.  Some days, particularly early on, I think the writing saved me from getting into too dark of a place, mentally.  Even when I don't have much to say, writing each day to check in with myself has been a really healthy step for me and has helped support this journey.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to begin their sober journey.  It doesn't have to be anything profound or world-altering every day (or at all).  Even just "I feel like crap" or "What an awesome day" has helped me process and move along and be successful (so far).  Handwritten, typing, journal, blog, anonymous, whatever works for you.  I have found that, for me, I am less self-conscious when I type vs when I write by hand (although I have always longed to be a handwritten journal kind of person....it seems so much more romantic, but I just never stick with it...and I have come to accept that this IS working...)

Just wanted to mention also that I attended a wedding today- no reception for us though because of our little guy and the time.  It would have been nice to attend my first sober wedding reception, but hey, another time.  I will hopefully have a long life and many more receptions to attend and enjoy sober.  The wedding was really lovely by the way (when isn't a wedding lovely?).  In the old days I probably would have been focused on the stress and longing for a "relaxing" drink after the hubbub. I am finding that I am getting closer to the person I want to be now that I have eliminated alcohol from my equation.  I still have a really long way to go, though.  Let me keep learning, keep building my patience and love, and keep riding steadily on this sober unicycle.

Day 97: Brief Escape

Big old day- soldiered through and had an urge that faded quickly.  I stripped it bare, seeing it for what it was- a blatant mental cry for brief escape.  I get into trouble when I think "who cares, I should be able to escape, this is hard to deal with..."  As always, we all know that a brief escape (aka: a glass of wine or a beer, aka: the elusive one drink) doesn't exist for me.  Today's slippery urge never grew into anything very strong and only lasted for, at most, a couple of minutes.  Sometimes when it happens, I just let myself indulge in it, because inevitably I always lead myself back to "not a good idea..." and quickly following that is no longer desiring it.  I like that very much.  Hope all are well out there.

Day 96: RIP Ralph Stanley

Still subdued from yesterday but no urges to write home about. Sad to hear of Ralph Stanley's passing. Such an incredibly gifted soul. My husband and I saw him a couple of years ago at an intimate show. It was fantastic.

Tonight I made a cranberry/lemon/lime juice on ice...I consume so much Vitamin C lately that scurvy stands no chance against sober me!

Sleep now and silent love to all in need.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 94: The Slippery Eel

Wow. Just seeing the number 94 typed out is enough to put a smile on my face.  I had a big craving today, in the middle of the afternoon.  Stressing and upset about dad stuff, a difficult thing my mom is dealing with, other things, and then bam!  The urge slid in my thoughts like a slippery little eel.  It sucked.  Part of me wanted a drink at that time, to dull the pain/escape the tough stuff.  The more rational part of me didn't want it at that moment because it was the middle of the day (hasn't stopped me in the past, pre-baby) and I am a responsible mother looking after an infant, so it didn't appeal to me then.  What was hard was that I wanted it :"in the future".  I whined about it a little in my head.  Really?  No drinking?  Surely I will drink at some point down the line and I'll be fine.  I'll be fine!  I can take this time to heart and be mindful about my habits and see my patterns, and then down the line, I can moderate.  I can drink like a "normal person" (what is normal?...why is drinking normal?).  All of that and more slithered around my head.  Then I got distracted with stuff I needed to do, and what do you know?  It faded and I completely forgot about it.  Then later I remembered and shared it with my husband, and I realized it had returned a bit, but not in too major of a way, and the more I talked about it, the more I saw that it was ridiculous.  I can't do the one drink thing!  When am I going to get that!  I have that mystical one drink down the road, and I know it is my dark key.  The key that will unlock the booze door.  Booze is officially my slippery eel.  I love not drinking.  Really and truly.  I can deal with little urges here and there.  I just need to keep my supports in place, not give up on myself, and enjoy life, because it really is so much better now.  Much love to you always.

Day 93: Keep Going

Some tough stuff today. Did not think of coping with booze. I just want to keep going. Sending much support to all who are in the midst of coming to terms with their personal substance struggles. Let us all keep going. Much love to you.

Day 92: This Will Always Be My "Thing"

I can't believe I'm in the 90's. This seemed so far out when I first began this journey.  Now all of a sudden, here I am.  Unbelievable.  Not one drop of alcohol, all by choice.  When I first started, I thought well, I am really going to try this.  Sincerely.  I want to get to 100 days, and I'd like to blog every single day, compelling or mundane.  Yet, the little doubting/addicted voice inside my head said, well, if you give in and drink, you can just shut your blog down.  Who would know or care.  No one reads it.  This is for you.  You'd be embarrassed and instead of sharing, you could just run away with your bottle.  That is so far from where I am now.  It's awful to admit that is what I thought, but it's true.  I got hits here and there, probably mistakes or just computer engines humming or something.  Nobody responded, so I thought, ehh, whatever.  Then a few folks *did* comment.  They said, hey, you are doing great, keep it up.  And I thought, oh my, well I don't want to let them down, and more importantly, don't want to let myself down.  I don't want to be a coward.  So I determined at some point that if I relapsed, I would continue to blog.  I would share that experience.  I would want to read that if I were someone in the world interested in these types of issues, which I am, and have read those stories on several blogs.  I find it very brave to be honest and just be real with yourself and share.  So I decided I would not run away.  And then more time had passed, and I've begun to forget about the relapse fear.  I hardly think about it anymore.  I am mindful of supporting my sobriety, and I am very early yet.  I know this.  But I don't obsess about relapsing.  And wouldn't you know here I am on Day 92, no booze in sight.  It's great.  Quite an accomplishment thus far.  It will never be over, I understand this.  I will always need to be mindful that this is my thing.  I need to be aware that there may come a sad time in the future that I do decide to drink.  That would be hard.  But I hope to keep moving forward because I truly love living this way and since there is no "just one" for me, I need to cut it out completely.  Initially, I didn't think deep down this would be forever.  Now I would like for it to be forever.  I've gained more insight into my whole thing with drinking and realize none at all is the wisest, healthiest, and most fun option.  Hooray for not being a slave to booze!  Much love to you always.

Day 91: Father's Day

Where have the days been going? Time is moving along. A tough day today but also had some really beautiful moments with my family. Morning found the three of us enjoying time together with at a playground under shady trees. Later a lovely  extended family lunch and then home just us three, cooking veggie dogs on the grill and watching our sweet dog frolick. So grateful to not be stuck in an endless cycle of drinking. Drinking could have killed so many of these quiet, private moments I cherish. I am starting to close in on 100 days. How strange. I love it. I hurt so much missing my dad but he was a wonderful father and I honor his memory every day in the love I give my son. Much love.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 89: I Have My Life Back

So glad to not be on the booze treadmill (as Mrs. D called it) anymore. I am just so thankful for this. I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. Before it was a cycle of the same thoughts surrounding alcohol. I am only on the eve of my 90th day, and that still seems very early. So I am just moving along here. I still have all the mess and joy of life now, but it is like I have my life back. It is major.

Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad

It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days.  I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol!  I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking!  It is so nice not going to the liquor store.  So nice being clear and aware in my class.  So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy.  I love that more than anything.  I want him to grow up in a substance-less home.  No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way.  Have that be his normal.  It is normal for so many individuals, why not him?  Why not me?  Getting there.  Much love.

Day 87: Yin and Yang

I have a craving....not for booze.  To attend a meeting.  I guess I'm getting close to 90 days and I just feel like sitting in a room with some assorted folks on Day 1 or Day 1001 and exist together in this thing called sobriety.  I'm not having a desire to drink, not feeling "weak".  It's funny about feeling weak vs. strong, by the way.  They absolutely go hand-in-hand.  One cannot exist without the other.  I haven't been feeling particularly weak or strong- just...normal.  Like not drinking is not as much of a "thing" anymore.  Some moments I am more mindful and feel empowered, or strong.  Some moments I yearn and feel weak.  The magic of new normal has been life-changing and ordinary all at once.  An extremely positive life choice moving forward and a return to the state of being I had prior to beginning my habits.  Thinking deeply with much love and support to all in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando.

Day 86: What If

What if.... I get too complacent in my sobriety and decide I can have a drink down the line?

What if.... I consume something with alcohol in it *accidentally*, like a food or a medicine, and that leads me down the booze path?

What if..... I let everyone I love down by resuming drinking and taking it farther than I even thought possible?

What if...... something unthinkable happens and I turn to drinking "for comfort"?

What if..... I can't do this?


I have to have faith in the same answer to all of these questions: All I have to do is be mindful, be confident in this positive life choice, and most of all, be sober.  That's it.  I'm getting there.  Much love.

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Day 84: Dark Day

Devastating attack in Orlando. Much love to all in the wake of this tragedy.

Day 83: I'm Still Sober, And It Still Rules

Tomorrow is going to be a big day and I am just thankful I won't have a hangover to kick the morning off with since tonight marks another Saturday night spent boozeless. I don't even miss it. You never know when an urge/craving/yearning/thought will strike, but really for me it is increasingly manageable. Some days I don't even feel I need to share how it's going, because it's just..good. However, I want to hit 100 days with a post every day, documenting the time and the ups and downs. I think it's important for me to stay aware, process things, so I can move on stronger and more secure, and post when more meaningful moments happen (good or bad). I hope to make it to that point. Until then, you can find me here, typing away, each word as sober as the last. Mucho love.

Day 82: The Booze Veil

I've been trying to study like a sober madwoman and keep ahead of the material because this class is challenging!  Oh, but it is so incredibly, absolutely fascinating, too.  I am in love with it. I am so happy to be in this class while not drinking.  It will help me be so much more focused, help me to retain information better, help keep me connected to my goals, keep me dedicated.  I want to get through nursing school completely sober- how cool and appropriate would that be??

It feels SO good to not be boozing through life.  The booze veil was lifted when I stopped drinking and I really feel like a different person, woman, mother...existence is being experienced as it was meant to.  I hate admitting it but I had forgotten what it meant to live life unaltered.  Isn't that so sad?  Life came to be naturally paired with SOMETHING chemical.  Why did that happen?  How?  I think I'm a pretty reasonable gal....but there was no reason to that at all.  It took over, very quickly if I remember.  My switch was flipped.  And now here I am..Day 82...slowly but surely doing it.  This is truly what is best for myself and my world.  With much love to all and a very happy weekend to you, I wish you well in your travels, whether old-time sober, newly sober, almost sober, contemplating sober, or happily non-sober.

Day 81: Chugging Along

The moderation fallacy is so real for me...I still find it odd to not have a desire to drink currently, but a strange future desire, hanging in the distance, the "dream" of drinking here and there, casually, a holiday, who knows.  All I need to do to gain insight into this is to see two steps ahead of that and see the inevitable spiral.  I do NOT want to go back to the alcohol "treadmill" (as I believe Mrs. D called it).  Having the one here and there sounds so normal.  It's like the whole world does that....except that is so not true.  There are many parts to this world- some of them are filled with "just the one" drinkers, some are heavy drinkers, some are non-drinkers.  There really is no normal.  I do not need to drink to relax or celebrate or commiserate.  It's just simply not necessary.  Not only that, I know it will lead to unlocking the boozier side of me and I'd go back to drinking more than I want to.  I am getting there.  Sending much love to all.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Day 79: Tiny Strength Mountain

So...tonight I begin a summer class which is a taking prerequisite for applying to nursing school.  Very excited about this.  Nervous because I know it is going to be a huge challenge with my tiny man, but you know what?  I was able to make it through when my dad was sick, so I know I can do this.  I don't normally say things like that- usually my self-confidence is a little lacking.  But going through everything with my dad, handling every single medical, financial, legal, logistical, and of course emotional issue on my own (with support from loved ones of course, but still, it was my responsibility to do things- which I was absolutely willing to do of course), that entire sequence of events altered me forever.  I have a pit of loss within me, but I also have a little mountain of strength.  This absolutely can relate to how I feel with having stopped drinking (of course, not as intense, but still).  It has given me confidence.  I am still shaky at times...but I am DOING it. Each day adds a tiny bit to my strength mountain.  So I know that if I can get through that other stuff, I can get through classes and hopefully get into nursing school, and then hopefully-hopefully, become a dedicated, competent, compassionate nurse.  That is a true goal of mine.  I haven't have many goals in my life, so this is very important to me.  Much love always.

Day 78: Huge Beauty

Went to the park this evening with my guys. I love going there. Tons of folks just doing their thing...walking, jogging, playing with their kids, walking their dogs, playing softball.. It feels so good being around that positive activity. I'm doing more now that I'm not drinking. I like life more. I thought I was happy drinking but I am happier now. This is something I need to remember. The drinking is really only fun for a small percentage of the time..the rest of the time is a drag. For me, dealing with the small bummers of not drinking are worth it to enjoy the huge beauty of being sober. I am getting it.

Day 77: Super Quick

About to go to sleep, but I just wanted to briefly mention that I love not drinking and the fact that not drinking is my new normal. I feel such relief. There is more to life than booze.

Day 76: Wait, I DON'T Need To Drink At A Party??

Big night! First time hanging with a group of friends who were drinking (since I've stopped). Thought it may be a bit tough...possible triggers or cravings, possible poor-me thoughts...I had no idea where the old mind might wander. You know what?  It was completely fine!  I had a great time. I didn't miss drinking at all, except for one brief time that was fleeting and really not strong at all. It just popped in, and I popped it right out. I think it was a habit or knee-jerk reaction more than anything.

A night like tonight usually would have been spent hitting it a little hard, probably harder than most other folks there. It would have been all about the wonderful company, but also would have definitely been about the drinking (for me). It's weird and sad realizing how many experiences of my life have been consumed by drinking. I witnessed what I've read other newly sober people have experienced, and that was other people don't drink as much as I did!  Jeez, people must have really thought I was a lush. It's embarassing.

Tonight I was offered booze and "Oh, no thank you, I quit drinking" just rolled off my tongue. It was so not a big deal. I remember thinking that it would be. I obsessed about it.  And it just came very naturally. I didn't explain, didn't feel the need to, no one inquired further, and it was just...cool. Like, oh, okay, next topic.  I'm sure it was a surprise to them (WHAT?! You stopped drinking? YOU??) but all was well and went very smoothly. Blessed to have dear friends that I love so much and who make me feel comfortable in this way.

Day 75: Sobertastic

Whoa, Day 75!  How did that happen?  That is actually starting to sound close to 100, which was my initial sober goal.  Of course, now my sober goal is a little further out (the entirety of my LIFE- ahh!)..but this feels good.

I think the reason why I've had some trouble identifying myself as a sober person is because I'm scared I will fail.  Like, oh, you were "sober" and now you're drinking again, big surprise there.  But who would say that?  I haven't thought that about other people I've heard that stopped and resumed.  No way.  I guess it would be me thinking that.  I have been taking this very seriously and I don't want to mess it up at all.  I honestly haven't even been drawn to AF wine or AF beer, because it seems too close to the real thing.  This is nothing against folks who enjoy these types of drinks, by the way.  I can see them being a really good alternative, especially if there is a craving afoot.  For me, it's just too close, at least right now.  As far as my sobriety, I think  I am all in on this.  So I may as well tell anyone who inquires, because I am committed.  Maybe I was scared to admit that before (again, scared to fail).

I had a random urge last night.  I don't remember it being triggered by anything- I really need to pay attention to that.  But I wasn't moping around, I think I was in a fine mood.  And then BOOM, a longing to drink.  I had it, I sat with it, I knew I wasn't going to, that frustrated me, then it passed and I was back to my old (new) self...sober and happy.  These urges do not disappear, and they are a tricky lot, but I can definitely say they have lessened in both intensity and frequency.  Thank the sober stars!

In other news, I believe I've lost almost 10 pounds.  I put on one or two because I made these butter-tastic cookies the other day and ate about a dozen (not an exaggeration), but still.  The booze weight does come off!  And who cares if I eat a dozen cookies.  I don't do that every day, and dang it, I haven't drank for 75 days- that is huge for me!  Anything is better than drinking...within reason :).  Much love to all and a very happy Friday to you.

Day 74: Unflipping the Party Switch

It's funny to consider myself a non-drinker.  Good funny.  Before I would hear about folks taking breaks/stopping drinking/living sober, and I thought, huh, now those are concepts I just don't understand.  I guess I assumed I would always be a drinker or a (tame) party gal.  Having the "party switch" available to be flipped basically any time I chose for such a long time created a little monster in my head.  I basically did what I wanted, when I wanted.  When I got into my thirties, things slowed down, but I definitely still had my binges from time to time.  When I was pregnant, it was so easy to not drink- I loved it and I felt (mostly) fantastic.  Now that I have stopped drinking of my own accord and through personal heartfelt decision, I feel a different sense of self and kind of re-born.  Caring for my dad and then losing him was life-altering.  Having my son has been life-altering.  Getting sober has been life-altering.  I still feel so early days and it makes me a tad uncomfortable saying I'm sober, because it's like, who am I?  Day 74?  Very early.  I have a long way to go.  I really want this to continue. Not taking any day for granted.  I am doing it, though.  I have been relieved to see that drinking does not have to be forever!  It is not a life sentence!  It's exhilarating to see this.

The time I have had, mostly at home, has created a really good foundation for continuing my sober journey.  I've had a lot of time to think, to talk with my husband, to see what is and is not a trigger, and to get comfortable in my new sober skin.  I feel more equipped to handle events, other people, and the like.  This is just me- I think some people find it very helpful to got right on out there and just do what they would always do, without the alcohol.  It's different for me because we have our little dude, and don't go out to eat or hang with friends much these days.  I think this has been a blessing.  I have no real fear to do any of those things now.  In fact, we are seeing friends this weekend and I am very excited.  Looking forward to hanging out sober and driving home sober.  It is awesome.  These are friends we used to drink with, and who I assume will be drinking this upcoming evening.  It's all good.  Another weekend approaching and it will be boozeless- I love this new normal.

Day 73: Photographs

I was drawn to a photo album tonight. Seeing those pictures brought up a lot. I saw myself younger, living very much for the day to day, having few passions, no real goals. My only focus for so much of that time was getting fucked up. It hurts saying that but it is very true. I don't think I even understood what I was doing. Certainly not where it could take me. I am very lucky I didn't get into more trouble. I was very young. I have no idea if I was running from something or running toward something. I have a different life now and I am thankful for it every day.

Day 72: The Ghost of Drinking Future

A tough few days....and yet I survived them all, and survived them without a drop of booze.  Don't get me wrong- I had some urges.  They felt like knee-jerk reactions when things got particularly difficult, and though I recognized them for what they were, it didn't change the fact that they were indeed there.  I would think, this is horrible, wouldn't it be so helpful to mellow things a little?  Take a bit of the edge off.  Take some pain away.  Dull some bad memories.  Then soon after I think, ah but it would certainly not be mellowing..it would be consuming.  It would not do anything except make things worse.  Because of course IT WOULD NEVER BE JUST ONE!  Nope.  Not for me.  I see this very clearly.  I can see into the future...like the Ghost of Drinking Future.  I can see the pattern forming again very quickly, eerily quickly.  I shudder and know all too well that I cannot moderate, and really, at this point, I don't even want to or see any reason to.  Here it is Tuesday and I am able to look back thinking, well shoot, I did it.  I didn't drink through a weekend I knew would be tough, and that was tough.  So glad for this.

Day 71: Pain and Peace

This day runs deep in my heart but I find hope, love, and great comfort in my family. I am so thankful to spend time together, visit the cemetery, walk along the river, lay our son down to sleep, and see the sun setting. All of this experienced without alcohol and so much of it owing to this fact. I see no end in sight to not drinking and instead of feeling dread or anxiety, I feel relief, strength, and gratitude in the vast opportunity of life.

Day 70: Honoring Loss

Day 70 and it feels really good not drinking.  As I said, this is a tough weekend and I am moving through it as best I can, but I have a really sincere and proud feeling about not drinking my way through the difficulty.  I believe Mrs. D spoke about a time when she moved and felt that since she boozed throughout the process, she never really grieved the loss of her old home effectively until after she was sober.  I am starting to get that and feeling as though I am honoring the loss of my dad in a more real way.  It is still extremely difficult.

As far as urges or triggers, I've had a variety of different movements along the craving spectrum, but really nothing too intense, and certainly nothing that seriously made me consider drinking.  I don't want to do that at all.  Any brief thoughts of wanting to drink seem to get crushed by bigger thoughts of knowing it wouldn't just be one and that it would solve nothing and in fact only make things worse.  It isn't even really purposeful- I think my brain is just learning to respond to itself and I don't have to try too hard to "fight" the boozy voice.  Day 70.  It really is starting to feel real now.  Much love to you.

Day 69: Blessed

Such a tough day but the love of my family brings me so much comfort. Time together laughing, walking, playing, cooking, singing, just enjoying each other's presence and cherishing one another. I thought about my dad all day. I miss him all the time and I cried so hard for the loss of him. I think about how much he loved being a parent and that I am the exact same way. I realized that it being a holiday weekend and also the year anniversary of his death, I would normally have been drinking heavier than usual. It makes me so thankful to not be drinking any longer. I am free from that prison. I am blessed beyond belief and long to hold onto every single moment. Much love and support to all this weekend.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

Day 67: Sober Eyes

I have a picture of my little guy and myself at the park that my mother-in-law took in March.  It was a really beautiful day and I was 8 days sober I think.  I just love the picture so much.  I look happy and clear and peaceful.  That is how I felt.  Only myself and my husband knew about my stopping drinking, and it was (and mostly still is) a very lovely, private thing that continues to build in strength with each new day.  I love looking at the camera with sober eyes- I love these pictures of myself with a non-boozy brightness.  I am so thankful to not be drinking anymore.  It is so completely unnecessary for my life.  I did not see that before.  I am really beginning to see it now (again, with sober sight).  I just don't need it at all, and this not needing translates to not wanting, and vice versa.  This is so empowering.

I think SoberMummy spoke about the heaviness around being called an alcoholic, particularly for a mother.  I think this is why I don't want to be labeled that.  I have been a mother for such a short period of time, and I don't want to be labelled an alcoholic mom.  That makes me feel so, so down.  It's like, if you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic whether you are drinking or you're not drinking. Plus, you are an alcoholic for LIFE.  It's like a neon sign flashing above you whenever you are asked if you want a drink or are in some boozy situation- ALCOHOLIC!! ALCOHOLIC!!  I guess some people say recovering alcoholic, or reformed, or what not.  I would like to continue thinking that I am not alcoholic- I am a non-drinker.  This is a Jason Vale thing, if I remember.  Is it a cop out?  Who knows?  Who cares?  It's my life.  As long as I'm not drinking I feel like I'm entitled to call myself whatever the heck I want.  There is so much more to me than just drinking too much, or stopping drinking too much.

You know, I just thought of something else.  A while back, I stopped smoking pot, stopped smoking cigarettes, stopped doing other teenage drug things, and I don't consider myself to be a potoholic, cigaretteoholic, drugoholic.  I am just someone who doesn't do those things.  I don't think of myself as an addict, or ex-addict, or ex-smoker.  This is also a little Jason Vale-y.  But I have complete comfort in just saying I don't do that.  So I want to lump alcohol in there, too.  I just don't do it.  And it's very cool.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

Really-Really!

It's Day 65 for me today, and I think I am going to go back to keeping track of the days because it just feels good.  I have a real sense of accomplishment for every day, even though most days are not really "work" at all.  I am pleased to be sober and genuinely enjoy not drinking.  When I first began my journey, I read statements like that and thought, really?  I mean, really-really?  I can truly say yes, really-really, it is awesome not drinking.  I wanted to get to a place where I felt comfortable not drinking, felt like it was something I used to do and now I don't, and I believe I am beginning to reach that place.  Once again, I find it paramount that I never get cocky or overly-confident.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or even tonight honestly.  But I feel normal and I do not miss drinking.  Much love.

Partyoholic?

Feeling bummed today for a few different reasons.  Hopefully it'll pass.  Had an emotional evening last night and as it occurred, I thought about how normally I'd absolutely drink to help smooth things.  Now today I review the events and I think, well those issues are still here.  Drinking would have solved nothing.  At this point, if I drink, I think I am going to seriously feel regret because I have a great amount of satisfaction for the amount of time I've been sober.  It has added so much to my life.  To blow it off would be so, so sad.  It's also hard to think about starting over.  I have a very nice warm feeling now about being sober.  I am very content with it (for the most part).  It's just something I want for my life, and a real accomplishment.  I still don't know if I was/am an alcoholic.  That seems so funny saying that because I have this blog dedicated to helping me express my journey in SOBRIETY!  It's seems like, duh!  Nobody writes that much about it or needs that release if it's no big thing!  Maybe I'm in denial?  I think part of me feels like I was/am, and then another part of me feels like I am more of a partyoholic, like my "thing" never used to be booze...but it was always something.  Or perhaps an escapeoholic?  Escaping emotional extremes?  Not sure.  I guess I have the rest of my life to contemplate it.  Anyway, who really cares, my feeling now is that I don't want to drink or do anything mind-altering and that's what matters.  Mucho love always.

It Has Not Been Easy!!!

Okay, I just published that previous post, and now I immediately regret saying it has been (relatively) "easy" getting sober.  That is the wrong word.  I should have said it has been EMPOWERING getting sober, and that feeling has made it easier to maintain not drinking.  I just feel better not drinking, so I keep not doing it.  It is the truth!  But earlier on, especially the first couple of weeks, it was HARD!  And I have come out the other side completely sober.  No slips, no secret drinks.  Here is a depressing admission: early on at one point I thought, well I might drink, and if I do, I'll just shut down my blog and go hide.  Easy as that.  Ridiculous!  Now I can honestly say, the last thing I want to do is hide if something like that happens.  The reality of the difficulty of stopping and maintaining stopping is intense.  The vulnerability it takes to share when you have urges, share when you are feeling weak, and share when you fall or cave in- this is all a part of life and to be honored and absolutely can be related to be others.  I know when I have read about other people's relapses or cravings, or heard about them in person at a meeting, it doesn't make me feel badly about them or judge them AT ALL.  It is absolutely the opposite.  So yeah, maybe it was a little pink cloud talking.  I do not want to minimize the work it has been to maintain not drinking- it has been real, honest-to-God WORK!  But such good work!  Such valid and important work.  Must maintain it.  Much, much love to all.  Sorry for all the caps, by the way!

Warning: Weird Self-Grading Post Within

Good Sunday morning to all :). Had a nice discussion about drinking/not-drinking with my hubby in relation to time spent unhappy vs. peacefully.  I told him that sometimes it's been tough not drinking, but for the most part, it's really great and worth it not to be drinking by far. I really don't even think about drinking that much anymore.  It's been (I hesitate to say this but it's the truth) *relatively* easy to stop.  This is maybe because I was really ready to stop...?  I hope this doesn't sound overly confident.  I am still in what I consider to be very early days.  But I can only comment on my own experience, and it really just has, for the most part, been really awesome.  I would say stopping drinking has been..oh..maybe 94% awesome.  That's pretty good!  That's an A!  The times of urges or things of that nature are small and completely surmountable.  In contrast, while being a drink hound, there was more of a percentage of time unhappy (I believe), between regret, shame, fear, etc.  Hmm..maybe an average of 68% awesome.  That is unacceptable!  Is that a D?  Yikes.  So if I think about it from this perspective, perhaps when I am having an urge, I think well it really won't make me happier.  Just the opposite.  This sounds like BS but it's truly for real.

So This is Real Life..

Hello out there. Lazing now after  such a big day. Not too much energy to share anything very significant. Just wanted to say I feel good. Glad to not be drinking. It ended up that nobody was drinking while we were at the bridal shower (except for one lone dude) and I didn't even have time to think it until pretty much right now. The high energy and emotional aspect of the day was very distracting and certainly would have led me to imbibe upon arriving home after getting our guy to sleep. Probably more than usual because of everything from today. Then sleep and feeling crummy tomorrow. I really do love my new normal. Removing alcohol from the equation has been so, so good. No more dependence on it. No more obsessing about it. I know I write about it but I really don't think about it much at all, and certainly not much in relation to wanting to drink. I still have urges, but they haven't been intense and definitely haven't been anything I would act on. Yes, this new normal is good. It feels like real life. Please let it continue.

60 Days

60 complete days sober.  I can continue to honestly say that I LOVE not drinking.  As has been the case with other personal milestones (1 day, 20 days, 30 days), the number 60 feels a bit small, but when I really consider each day, I see the wide-reaching enormity of them all.  What will feel like a "big" number?  Maybe a year?  I think that's a pretty big one.  Either way, the victory of tiny days is a blessing.

I got a chocolate croissant for breakfast as a special treat, and I have a cold ginger beer in the fridge for tonight.  It's so nice getting sober treats!  I used to spend so much on alcohol!  Now I get flowers, chocolate, fizzy drinks, a pair of shoes, whatever- anything and everything is better than booze.

When I started out, I wanted to do Belle's 100 Day Challenge, but as the days progressed, I realized what I really wanted to do was stop drinking for good.  Stop the almost daily/often mindless drinking; stop the headaches; stop the lack of self-respect; stop unhealthy behavior; stop the escapism; stop the overemotional indulgence; just stop!  Drinking has been connected with my life for a long time.  It has been an adjustment letting that aspect of existence go.  Really, when I stopped on 3/21, I felt like it was the right time and right moment.  The sober stars aligned, if you will.  I hope they stay in that pattern and I continue with this because it is such a good thing for me, my family, and my life.

I love Mrs. D's perspective and honesty about her experience.   She really was an inspiration for me, and continues to be.  Her steady, "determined" drinking habit didn't quite feel crazy/over-the-top (no DUIs, no blackouts, no abusive behavior, etc), but she knew in her heart how dysfunctional it was and that it was getting worse.  The longer she went without drinking, the more she was able to get in touch with herself.  She found that she had been avoiding emotions with drinking, something she'd never realized while boozing.  I completely relate to all of that.

Happy Friday to all and much love and support to every single person rolling along in their own journey toward getting sober or maintaining sobriety! <3