Day 225: Boo!

Happy Halloween :)! I love this holiday- it is so much fun!  In the past it was a big-time excuse to get my drink on (when wasn't??).  Now I have no desire to drink.  I am so much more at peace with things.  So thankful that right now, I not only do not drink, but I do not WANT to drink.  Much love.

Day 222: Oreos Before Bed? Don't Mind If I Do..

It's Friday! No drinking here. Tonight it feels like alcohol really has lost power over me. I just don't want it. I am so thankful for that because I know this feeling can come and it can go. I am just grateful to experience it, right now. Much love to you out there.

Day 221: Day 220 Slipped By!

Didn't get a chance to write yesterday but all is well and boozeless. Not much more to share right now. Much love always.

Day 219: Time is Passing and I'm Not Drinking and It Is Awesome

Thankful for Day 219. Better today. Goofy, thoughtful, loving, and mostly calm day. Support and love to all those in early days and in later days.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 217: Bright Fall Day

Grooving right along on Day 217. Not much to share besides it was a beautiful, spiritual day spent with my family.  I am overwhelmed with love for them. Alcohol was a non-issue today and I am so, so thankful for that. With much love always.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 213: Let This Please Continue

A really nice day today. Baby story time with my son at the library, lots of playing, productivity, patience, bonding, pizza. I even made a little music today. That hasn't happened in a while. I can't recall any booze urge today. So thankful for that. Whatever is going on in my head and heart, let it please continue. With love to you, wherever you are.

Day 212: The Past and Beyond

Crazy how a memory can just destroy you a little bit, in such an unexpected instant.  Things hit me all the time, reminding me of my dad.  It is still so hard.  I suspect it always will be.

A strong feeling of contentment with not drinking.  It was so out of hand before.  I really have to keep going and look back only with the wisdom that being sober is so much better for my life.  I can only be grateful for right now, and know that I can't take not drinking for granted.

Not much else to share.  Been a little out of sorts today but also weirdly productive.   Much love always.

Day 211: Blue Sky

It probably seems like I spend a lot of my time obsessing about not drinking- I mean, I (try to) write a daily blog about it for goodness sake!  But I really do not think about it much.  It has gotten to the point where it's my new normal and as such, it's just part of my routine.  I love that!!  It's something I feared would never happen when I was earlier on in the sobersphere.

Sometimes my blog is the only notable time I think about alcohol at all, which I think is a great thing because stuff is always bubbling around there in the nether-regions of my brain, as evidenced by the many words that flow out about not drinking.  So it's great to get it out.

The town we moved to is small and it is so different from where we used to live.  Before, booze was a definite part of the local environment.  Liquor stores all over the place, people doing their thing, drugging, bars all around.  There was this one spot I used to get my wine/beer at- sometimes it would have a full parking lot before 11am.  No joke, a full lot.  Where we are now, it is so much sleepier. There is even a college nearby and you would seriously never know it.  It's not a drinking town at all.  There's like..2 bars?  No liquor stores I can think of in the downtown area.  I'm sure they exist but they are super low key, so low key I haven't even noticed them.  I absolutely love that we are now in a place that just doesn't seem to care about alcohol, or at least hasn't bought into pushing it down the community's throat, as it were.  I get really excited thinking about my son growing up in a culture that isn't permeated by booze, both inside and outside of our house.

Having a good day and wanted to share.  The mads have been kept at bay for some reason, so I'm stoked about that.  Much love and peace to all those in need or in pain, whether physical, emotional, or all of the above.

Day 210: Looking Ahead

Busy weekend but not much to speak of, boozish-wise. I've just generally been really thankful to not be drinking and to be closing in on 7 months. What an accomplishment for me. Soon come the holidays, the new year, my birthday. It would be so wonderful to reach age 35 as a happily sober person. That needs to be the gift I give to myself. One step at a time, with much love always.

P.S. Bob Ross is on Netflix!!

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.

Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 206: Hello Out There

We moved to a new state and there has been a lot going on, including a long delay in obtaining new internet.  I am so glad to be sitting here writing because this blog means a lot to me and I know I need to make it a priority to write more frequently.  It is rejuvenating to process the thoughts and emotions and other "muck" :).

So, yes, I am still currently sober and it is still really great.  I have struggled here and there with wanting to drink.   A couple of moments have been tough, but for the most part things have been manageable.  I never regret not drinking and the urges always, always fade.  I know I would instantly regret drinking if I did, so as of now, I continue along this route.  It has been working for me!

Stress and sadness make me want to drink.  Big shocker, right?  Getting overwhelmed with what I am responsible for, what I have yet to do, overwhelmed with grief, feeling lonesome/alone, anger, when I let myself down, when I let my husband or my son down, etc.  It all feels awful, so I still feel my go-to coping mechanism kick in, like hey! You know what would push these crappy feelings away?  Booze!  Sometimes it's even just simply walking past a bar in town (of which there are thankfully very few) and seeing a sign advertising special for my old favorite beer (Yuengling) for some random weeknight.  I have a little longing like, gee, that sounds nice.  And I think, well that isn't practical and it isn't realistic.  Because of course: it is never just one.  I continue to recognize this.  I have forced those words into the forefront of my heart and mind in this journey.  There is no just one for me.  Either I never learned how to have just one or I never had the just-one gene to begin with- either way, same result.  So when I get to feeling down and drinkish, I think a few steps ahead.  I first think of myself drinking and enjoying it.  Then I think of myself drinking more and starting to not enjoy it.  Then I think of myself drinking the way I used to, and that is just too depressing to think about anymore.  That usually does the trick.

My son is starting to wake up so I have to cut this short.  Sending much love always to every single person out there struggling no matter what your issue.