Day 222: Oreos Before Bed? Don't Mind If I Do..

It's Friday! No drinking here. Tonight it feels like alcohol really has lost power over me. I just don't want it. I am so thankful for that because I know this feeling can come and it can go. I am just grateful to experience it, right now. Much love to you out there.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 92: This Will Always Be My "Thing"

I can't believe I'm in the 90's. This seemed so far out when I first began this journey.  Now all of a sudden, here I am.  Unbelievable.  Not one drop of alcohol, all by choice.  When I first started, I thought well, I am really going to try this.  Sincerely.  I want to get to 100 days, and I'd like to blog every single day, compelling or mundane.  Yet, the little doubting/addicted voice inside my head said, well, if you give in and drink, you can just shut your blog down.  Who would know or care.  No one reads it.  This is for you.  You'd be embarrassed and instead of sharing, you could just run away with your bottle.  That is so far from where I am now.  It's awful to admit that is what I thought, but it's true.  I got hits here and there, probably mistakes or just computer engines humming or something.  Nobody responded, so I thought, ehh, whatever.  Then a few folks *did* comment.  They said, hey, you are doing great, keep it up.  And I thought, oh my, well I don't want to let them down, and more importantly, don't want to let myself down.  I don't want to be a coward.  So I determined at some point that if I relapsed, I would continue to blog.  I would share that experience.  I would want to read that if I were someone in the world interested in these types of issues, which I am, and have read those stories on several blogs.  I find it very brave to be honest and just be real with yourself and share.  So I decided I would not run away.  And then more time had passed, and I've begun to forget about the relapse fear.  I hardly think about it anymore.  I am mindful of supporting my sobriety, and I am very early yet.  I know this.  But I don't obsess about relapsing.  And wouldn't you know here I am on Day 92, no booze in sight.  It's great.  Quite an accomplishment thus far.  It will never be over, I understand this.  I will always need to be mindful that this is my thing.  I need to be aware that there may come a sad time in the future that I do decide to drink.  That would be hard.  But I hope to keep moving forward because I truly love living this way and since there is no "just one" for me, I need to cut it out completely.  Initially, I didn't think deep down this would be forever.  Now I would like for it to be forever.  I've gained more insight into my whole thing with drinking and realize none at all is the wisest, healthiest, and most fun option.  Hooray for not being a slave to booze!  Much love to you always.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad

It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days.  I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol!  I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking!  It is so nice not going to the liquor store.  So nice being clear and aware in my class.  So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy.  I love that more than anything.  I want him to grow up in a substance-less home.  No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way.  Have that be his normal.  It is normal for so many individuals, why not him?  Why not me?  Getting there.  Much love.

Day 86: What If

What if.... I get too complacent in my sobriety and decide I can have a drink down the line?

What if.... I consume something with alcohol in it *accidentally*, like a food or a medicine, and that leads me down the booze path?

What if..... I let everyone I love down by resuming drinking and taking it farther than I even thought possible?

What if...... something unthinkable happens and I turn to drinking "for comfort"?

What if..... I can't do this?


I have to have faith in the same answer to all of these questions: All I have to do is be mindful, be confident in this positive life choice, and most of all, be sober.  That's it.  I'm getting there.  Much love.

Day 67: Sober Eyes

I have a picture of my little guy and myself at the park that my mother-in-law took in March.  It was a really beautiful day and I was 8 days sober I think.  I just love the picture so much.  I look happy and clear and peaceful.  That is how I felt.  Only myself and my husband knew about my stopping drinking, and it was (and mostly still is) a very lovely, private thing that continues to build in strength with each new day.  I love looking at the camera with sober eyes- I love these pictures of myself with a non-boozy brightness.  I am so thankful to not be drinking anymore.  It is so completely unnecessary for my life.  I did not see that before.  I am really beginning to see it now (again, with sober sight).  I just don't need it at all, and this not needing translates to not wanting, and vice versa.  This is so empowering.

I think SoberMummy spoke about the heaviness around being called an alcoholic, particularly for a mother.  I think this is why I don't want to be labeled that.  I have been a mother for such a short period of time, and I don't want to be labelled an alcoholic mom.  That makes me feel so, so down.  It's like, if you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic whether you are drinking or you're not drinking. Plus, you are an alcoholic for LIFE.  It's like a neon sign flashing above you whenever you are asked if you want a drink or are in some boozy situation- ALCOHOLIC!! ALCOHOLIC!!  I guess some people say recovering alcoholic, or reformed, or what not.  I would like to continue thinking that I am not alcoholic- I am a non-drinker.  This is a Jason Vale thing, if I remember.  Is it a cop out?  Who knows?  Who cares?  It's my life.  As long as I'm not drinking I feel like I'm entitled to call myself whatever the heck I want.  There is so much more to me than just drinking too much, or stopping drinking too much.

You know, I just thought of something else.  A while back, I stopped smoking pot, stopped smoking cigarettes, stopped doing other teenage drug things, and I don't consider myself to be a potoholic, cigaretteoholic, drugoholic.  I am just someone who doesn't do those things.  I don't think of myself as an addict, or ex-addict, or ex-smoker.  This is also a little Jason Vale-y.  But I have complete comfort in just saying I don't do that.  So I want to lump alcohol in there, too.  I just don't do it.  And it's very cool.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

It Has Not Been Easy!!!

Okay, I just published that previous post, and now I immediately regret saying it has been (relatively) "easy" getting sober.  That is the wrong word.  I should have said it has been EMPOWERING getting sober, and that feeling has made it easier to maintain not drinking.  I just feel better not drinking, so I keep not doing it.  It is the truth!  But earlier on, especially the first couple of weeks, it was HARD!  And I have come out the other side completely sober.  No slips, no secret drinks.  Here is a depressing admission: early on at one point I thought, well I might drink, and if I do, I'll just shut down my blog and go hide.  Easy as that.  Ridiculous!  Now I can honestly say, the last thing I want to do is hide if something like that happens.  The reality of the difficulty of stopping and maintaining stopping is intense.  The vulnerability it takes to share when you have urges, share when you are feeling weak, and share when you fall or cave in- this is all a part of life and to be honored and absolutely can be related to be others.  I know when I have read about other people's relapses or cravings, or heard about them in person at a meeting, it doesn't make me feel badly about them or judge them AT ALL.  It is absolutely the opposite.  So yeah, maybe it was a little pink cloud talking.  I do not want to minimize the work it has been to maintain not drinking- it has been real, honest-to-God WORK!  But such good work!  Such valid and important work.  Must maintain it.  Much, much love to all.  Sorry for all the caps, by the way!

Warning: Weird Self-Grading Post Within

Good Sunday morning to all :). Had a nice discussion about drinking/not-drinking with my hubby in relation to time spent unhappy vs. peacefully.  I told him that sometimes it's been tough not drinking, but for the most part, it's really great and worth it not to be drinking by far. I really don't even think about drinking that much anymore.  It's been (I hesitate to say this but it's the truth) *relatively* easy to stop.  This is maybe because I was really ready to stop...?  I hope this doesn't sound overly confident.  I am still in what I consider to be very early days.  But I can only comment on my own experience, and it really just has, for the most part, been really awesome.  I would say stopping drinking has been..oh..maybe 94% awesome.  That's pretty good!  That's an A!  The times of urges or things of that nature are small and completely surmountable.  In contrast, while being a drink hound, there was more of a percentage of time unhappy (I believe), between regret, shame, fear, etc.  Hmm..maybe an average of 68% awesome.  That is unacceptable!  Is that a D?  Yikes.  So if I think about it from this perspective, perhaps when I am having an urge, I think well it really won't make me happier.  Just the opposite.  This sounds like BS but it's truly for real.

Authentic Voice

Been super distracted with fantasies of moving and also had some rough patches in the day, but as they occured I had no desire or urge to drink. I didn't think of it at all until some point when I had a random thought that drinking does not help in any real way. It's funny how used to drinking I had gotten, because before it would be a no brainer- have a drink to soothe the ole problems.  Instead, I cried a little, breathed, talked with my husband, tended to my tiny man, hung out with my little dog, took a beautiful walk at the park with everyone, and things just got better. Sometimes I have weirdo thoughts and talking them out with my husband gives me perspective and I see how cuckoo they really are..or see the validity in them..or both. I am finding a more honest and open voice when it comes to communicating, at least with my husband. We have always been a couple that clicks and just gets each other (grateful every day for that), but I feel like I've been a little more upfront with him lately, and that I've been able to explain how I think or feel in more effective ways. It is so awesome. I wonder if it has to do with not drinking? Much love to all.

Peace to the Beast

My tiny angry beast seems to have disappeared the past several days.  What a relief... I hate feeling that way.  It isn't constant, but it's unpredictable and pops up from time to time.  I think what really helped to shift the madness tide was Un-Tipsy Teacher sharing a wise thought with me about her experience with anger...how it used to be that she felt like she "deserved" to be angry.  That has really stuck with me.  I hear entitlement in my anger, and now that I've recognized it, it seems I have more perspective about it.  It just clicked for me.  I get it now.  Like, "wow, this is not the end of the world- the universe isn't against you- it's just a bummer thing that happened and it will pass.." Yes, a bit like the cravings to drink/escape...in and out and onward.

I also think some of the things I've gotten angry at have been "safe" things to be mad about.  Like tripping on the stairs or something.  I might get super upset about that (doesn't last long, but really sours my day and puts me in a "poor me" mood)......but my anger about my dad's suffering at the end of his days and the way some of the providers treated him, that doesn't come out as anger, it just comes out as depression/sadness.  I don't know if that's an accurate thought, but I suspect there's something to it.  Anyway, happy Tuesday to all :).  Not Angry Tuesday, Happy Tuesday! :)

Thank You

Just a last calm sigh as the day comes to a close. Certain things felt big and other things felt small today. I feel like I had a growing perspective throughout the day. A day of trusting, waiting, listening. Not pushing too hard. Not too much pressure. And no drinking, no missing drinking, nothing like that. Time with my beautiful family. Thank you God, if you exist. Thank you to whatever God is.