Day 110: First Sober Bar Experience- Done

Been on my first blog hiatus- I missed you, blog.  I have just been doing really well and studying a lot for a major test..somehow the days got away from me, which I guess is a good thing.  I loved blogging every day for my 100 days and I still intend to post but maybe not as frequently.  Feeling great about being at Day 110 today, although the gun violence in this country is so hard to understand.  I am so upset about the events in St. Paul, Baton Rouge, and Dallas.  It's like we are reliving the same situations over and over again.  I hate to be bleak but it feels hopeless here sometimes.

I want to keep this focused on booze/quitting booze however, so I thought I would share an experience I had last night- it involved going to a bar (!) and not drinking (!!!!!).  I met my good friend (the one I told early on about quitting drinking- she is awesome) at a trendyish coffee shop but we determined that they didn't have enough in the way of good eats for us.  We decided to go to this bar/restaurant (after my friend asked if it was okay with me- very kind of her and I told her I thought it would be fine- plus I was curious how I'd take it).  This place used to be somewhat of a hangout for boozy me.  So, we went there and immediately I had a feeling wash over me of, huh, not drinking, this is weird, a tiny bit of a drag.  A feeling of nostalgia for the many boisterous times there with friends.  And then, it struck me- I never actually liked the alcohol there.  In fact, I ALWAYS ended up feeling like crap after I drank there.  Their beer just never sat well with me (never stopped me, of course...sigh).  They brew their own and it's a little fancy and I guess my body just never learned how to process it (why should it learn- that is horrible!).  Not only that, I consciously reminded myself that alcohol is completely unnecessary to hang out with my friend.  I simply don't need it.  It's all about just spending time together, catching up, eating some good food, and hanging.  So my longing/urge faded very quickly.  It hadn't even been particularly strong though I acknowledged it did exist- probably a normal/expected amount of existence.  I was going to order something cool like lime and selzer but I just settled on good old Coca Cola.  Had two actually- got a little buzzed on caffeine.

My whole point with this ramblingness is that I conquered my first bar experience and it was completely fine.  I see time and again that my true trigger is grief and extremely dark feelings about the loss of my dad, but even then it really hasn't been anything that worried me or seriously tempted me besides the one major time early on.  So hooray!  Not planning to be hanging out in bars or anything but I enjoy being able to be flexible about where to hang with friends.  It will be interesting to go to a place that I loved drinking at.  I wonder if I'm ready.  Not rushing out there, that's for sure.  Really, my favorite place to drink was at home and that feels pretty conquered, so I am grateful for that.

Wishing all well who were involved in the recent events this week across the country.  Much love to you.

Day 76: Wait, I DON'T Need To Drink At A Party??

Big night! First time hanging with a group of friends who were drinking (since I've stopped). Thought it may be a bit tough...possible triggers or cravings, possible poor-me thoughts...I had no idea where the old mind might wander. You know what?  It was completely fine!  I had a great time. I didn't miss drinking at all, except for one brief time that was fleeting and really not strong at all. It just popped in, and I popped it right out. I think it was a habit or knee-jerk reaction more than anything.

A night like tonight usually would have been spent hitting it a little hard, probably harder than most other folks there. It would have been all about the wonderful company, but also would have definitely been about the drinking (for me). It's weird and sad realizing how many experiences of my life have been consumed by drinking. I witnessed what I've read other newly sober people have experienced, and that was other people don't drink as much as I did!  Jeez, people must have really thought I was a lush. It's embarassing.

Tonight I was offered booze and "Oh, no thank you, I quit drinking" just rolled off my tongue. It was so not a big deal. I remember thinking that it would be. I obsessed about it.  And it just came very naturally. I didn't explain, didn't feel the need to, no one inquired further, and it was just...cool. Like, oh, okay, next topic.  I'm sure it was a surprise to them (WHAT?! You stopped drinking? YOU??) but all was well and went very smoothly. Blessed to have dear friends that I love so much and who make me feel comfortable in this way.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

I Told My Buddy

I spoke with a really dear friend of mine last night and I told her I'd stopped drinking. This was kind of major for me.  She is the first person I've told beyond my husband.  I was pretty upfront with my reasons- not brutally honest about every detail, but basically said I had been drinking too much for too long and I was ready to stop.  She was awesome about it as she is about pretty much everything.  She's a good gal.  Lucky as hell to have her in my life.  Just thought I'd share.  Baby steps!  I want to share with my mom, but I'm not there yet.  No desire to drink by the way.

Alcoholic vs. Non-Drinker

I have a lot on my mind this morning.  It's so lovely outside- we are on such a roll this week, weather-wise.  Anyway, a few things.  First of all, I have not told anyone about quitting drinking except for my husband (and the internet :)..).  I guess it will come naturally at some point.  I want to tell my family and friends, but it feels so weird.  I don't want it to be a big deal, or make a big deal about it, but at the same time it *is* kind of a big deal.  Or is it??  I just long for the day when I don't even think about it.  I suppose it will come out however and whenever it's meant to.  I wonder if/when I will tell them about this blog.

I don't know if this is denial or what, but I'm not sure if I am an alcoholic.  I know I have been drinking dysfunctionally, for a long time.  Maybe it's because sobriety is still really new, and I am still trying to see myself the way I was and the way I am and want to be.  It will become clear in time and I don't need to be in a rush to label myself.  I am thinking about it because I suppose the thing some people may wonder when I say I'm no longer drinking is "is she an alcoholic?".  Or maybe if I don't make a big deal about it, they will just not really notice or care

If I am an alcoholic, it makes me feel really sad because there is such a stigma about it.  I know people can relate.  If my husband and I didn't have our baby boy, I think I might be more open to it (not sure?), but it feels so depressing to think about having our son and me being an alcoholic.  Maybe that's why I am resistant to this term...confused about it's accuracy.

Some people might read this blog and think, "Oh yeah, the words of an alcoholic- she's in denial, she'll see it in time."  I mean, who writes a blog about stopping drinking if they aren't an alcoholic??  Others might read this and think, "Oh, she wasn't too bad, she stopped before it ever got remotely close to true darkness.  She was a problem drinker, recognized it (finally), and moved on."  It feels like there's some truth to that.  But are they the same thing?  Is it harder to consider myself an alcoholic because I didn't really have anything truly awful occur?

Uggh. I feel more comfortable saying I don't drink anymore and leaving it at that, or saying I stopped because I was drinking too frequently/too much.  It's like I'm afraid the "A" word labels me as a Bad Mother.  That is such a horrible thing to say.  I guess it's my life, so I can label myself however I want to.  And anyway, I am trying to better my situation, so that is really awesome.

Jason Vale wrote about the terms alcoholic vs. non-drinker, and felt that he was an alcoholic when he was drinking, and when he stopped, he just simply was a non-drinker.  I don't know if it's denial, or rationalizing, or semantics, or insightful, or what.  I like it, but I also think of the people who have not had anything to drink for years and still consider themselves alcoholics (or ex-alcoholics?  in recovery? recovered alcoholics?  hmmm).  It seems depressing in some ways, but I guess they say that to continue to remind themselves that they should never drink again at all, which is obviously very important to them and for their lives.  I respect that.  Anyway, it's interesting.  Maybe it will be clearer to me as the days accumulate.