Things are good. Tough. Drinking-wise I feel pretty awesome. It's just very difficult during some moments of the day when grief bleeds in. I am haunted by memories of the end. Where are the memories of before? They must be here somewhere. I long to be at the point where I don't need to conjure them anymore. The point where my default is happiness and laughing and loving connection thoughts of my dad and our time together. Not every deeply sad moment of the end. I guess this blog is turning into a simultaneous quitting drinking and grief blog. Good times. Reading "Beautiful Unbroken" right now. 2/3 of the way through. It is a touching, terrifying, thoughtful read. Very hard to get through sometimes. I have read more in the past week than I have all year I think. I am keeping tidier, taking better care of myself, more conscious (if that is possible??), planted a bunch of seeds, got my nursing study book, de-cluttered, and I am learning Spanish on my Duolingo app. Life is pretty cool! Besides the soul-crushing pain of course! It really is great to be sober. Still kind of getting used to the idea. It sounds kind of sad to say that, but when it has been as long as it has where I was completely unaccountable, just basically doing whatever I wanted to my body and mind, I guess it's natural for this to be an adjustment. I was in the shower this morning and I was suddenly equating drinking with smoking. It felt like a great association. Smoking is so horrible and I want no part of it any longer, and I have been able to successfully quit without looking back, totally don't miss it ever, and I think drinking should be the same way. I should establish and maintain the same mindset and relationship. If I yearn for a drink at all I should remember that it's nothing to miss, that I am happier without it, and that I am free now. The trap, as Carr called it. That is totally what it was. This has all really been helping, although I've been blessed with not having too much in the way of craving at all. Sending much support out to those stopping their addictions and those grieving and those in the midst of both.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Day 10 Part 7
Getting ready for sleep now but I need to share this "out loud". Finished Allen Carr and overall, I really loved it. I think the depth of it will continue to sink in as time passes. Basically, this is where I am right now. I would like to take the step forward he writes about. I need to not drink alcohol ever again. This need not be a 100 day challenge. It needs to be a positive, empowering permanent life change. It should not be measured by numbers or days and it should not be a challenge at all. I appreciate the peace and sheer joy I have already begun to feel from being free. I was driving and happened to pass a usual former liquor store I would frequent (often..cringingly often), and it already felt a little unfamiliar. Going there, buying alcohol, consuming it, recovering from it..all the internal drama, the many emotional storms of my psyche, obsessive compulsive relationship, etc. I think this will be my last "Day" post. Although I will remember and cherish my first real sober day since before I started the whole mess of it all. My first true day of freedom from drowning, like a birthday, a rebirthday: 3/21/2016. It is not one (struggling/aching) day at a time for me. It is one beautiful life that I need to do my very best with. Honor, truth, and love. Let me be free.
Day 10 Part 6
A nice quote from Allen Carr: "...you're choosing a life that will bring you a happiness you may have forgotten even existed." What a beautiful and heartbreaking thought.
Day 10 Part 5
Boy am I writing a bunch today. I have enjoyed the freedom from alcohol I've felt the past 10 days. Not being a slave to going to the store. Carr suggests to make a list of things that are pleasurable in life without drinking. Here is what I have so far: spending time with my family and my dog, caring for our son, playing music, making art, reading, cooking, going out to eat, taking walks, swimming, studying, singing, exercising, hanging out with friends, writing, being productive at work, cleaning (sometimes), watching movies, baking, gardening, traveling, listening to music, sex, napping and sleeping, going to the thrift store, long hot showers, learning how to sew, going to the park, looking at photo albums, attending Quaker meetings........more things I'm sure. Nice to think about these things.
Day 10 Part 4
I thought of something related to the sadness for not drinking in the future. I feel like that is there because I am trying to break an addiction that has persisted steadily since I was about fourteen years old. So it is understandable for it to take time. I must be patient, let those thoughts in and out, and remember not to drink because I am incapable of having just one and it makes me feel so awful. Again, according to the Carr method, the incapacity for having one will be transforming into a non-desire to even have one in the first place. Hopefully that happens. Jeez, I gotta finish that book. I hope it helps.
Day 10 Part 3
I am really hurting right now. Not because of alcohol. I am just so overcome with grief. It burns so deeply. Every random image from his last days just drowns me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, harboring all of this loss. I would just like to see him one more time. I want to tell him so much. It just feels so unbearable sometimes.
Day 10 Part 2
Felt weird sadness for not drinking in the future, yet I do not have the desire to drink currently. It's a strange dichotomy. I think I need to focus on how I feel today as opposed to how I imagine I'll feel tomorrow. The Carr book would tell me that in the future there will be no desire to drink and hence no sadness or temptation will exist. I think AA would say one day at a time. Halfway into double digit day of sobriety and I am pleased about that.
Day 10
Good morning Day 10......doing great except for the fact that I am really missing my dad like hell. He would be very proud of me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Day 9 Part 5
Very tired now but wanted to share that I went to an AA tonight. It was super-intense and I was sort of swarmed by well-intentioned folks at the end. I am not ready to commit to that method but I really appreciated everyone sharing and the community of trying to heal together. A lot of faces. Some ghostly, shaking, very white, some peaceful, it was really fucking intense. I admire all those trying in their heart to get better.
Day 9 Part 4
Cool book.....I like how he repeats that the desire will be gone. Not depriving oneself..eliminating the desire at all. Not there yet, but I think I am getting there. That feels positive, like a really strong step. I think I need to stop completely. Eliminate even wanting to in the first place. Sending much support out to all who are trying to do right by themselves.
Day 9 Part 3
Continuing my reading and just had the urge to make it clear to anyone (and myself) that I absolutely do not want to sound superior or have a weird holy attitude about not drinking so far. That would be so horrible. It would fucking break my heart if someone thought that about me. And I do not want to be complacent or denial-y with myself. I have never done this before and really am trying my best. Just trying to maintain a positive attitude and I really do largely feel good. I want to be as honest as possible on this blog.
Day 9 Part 2
Dealing with complicated feelings and thoughts........not really cravings, more like compulsions. On edge a little bit. Saw a good friend who is sober and wanted to share my recent experiences, but it just wasn't the right time. Or I wasn't ready. Finished Mrs. D's book swiftly (so good- planning to re-read asap) and already halfway through Allen Carr. I like the positivity and I am absorbing much of what he says. This will take time. Seeing my therapist tonight. I like her a lot. I should probably tell her but we'll see. I may chicken out. It still feels so raw and a little terrifying and very private. Not secret so much as private. Proud of myself, though.
Day 9
Totally fell down the stairs in the middle of the night and busted my knee, completely sober! Errrrg. Happy to be on Day 9. I feel more productive these past days. It is really nice. I also notice my anger seems to have lessened in intensity? I have been having random tiny moments of rage for a while now. It started when I was pregnant, toward the end, as my dad got really sick. Has popped up here and there ever since and scares the shit out of me. I have absolutely never been like that. Maybe stopping drinking has helped ease or smooth that a little? Or maybe my internal angst about drinking in general has eased and that's contributed to less pent-up frustration? I know anger is natural though, and letting it out is a positive thing. Maybe I had never released it in effective ways to begin with and it hit a breaking point? Maybe I stuffed it and other emotions way down with substance usage.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Day 8 Part 4
A last thing or two. I am a goofball but boy has this blog been SERIOUS. Maybe I'll find my funny at some point. I am writing for me anyway and this serious voice is just the one coming naturally. As far as quitting forever, I had the thought that for much of my unsober time, drinking (or other things) were kind of edgy, both alone and with others. I am beginning to feel like it may be edgier NOT to do those things. Face anxiety, depression, grief, creativity, loneliness, joy, curiosity, love, with complete clarity and without fear. Living life as a real person. That feels and sounds heroic. I like thinking about not being a drinker for the rest of my life. I do not have to be resigned to a life of substance use and abuse. That is fucking ridiculous and a lie and lazy and boring and useless and depressing to think otherwise. I am smarter and deeper than that. There is something cool about sobriety.....hmm..I truly have never thought about it like that before. Beautiful early evening in the backyard running around with our dog and my husband and son. My son's laughter is just truly magical. We were so clear and happy. I am grateful for that, and to have experienced it sober. I feel like we have been doing more interesting and interactive things as a family this past week. We are really connecting. It is a blessing. Now to sleep with no booze in me. Good night, Day 8, and Night 8. Tomorrow Day 9 and the eve of double-digit sobriety.
Day 8 Part 3
Continuing to feel like I don't want or need to drink right now but I contemplate the future and just wonder. I haven't had any "tests" really. Maybe Easter? Maybe every night. No drinking thus far. Love that I haven't smoked either. I really did a great job of quitting but every now and then (while drinking) I would smoke. Really don't want to do that at all. Must relate that to my drinking as well and keep it high in my head and heart. Had a nice discussion about drinking with my husband. Heard myself talking about "the future" and how in some occasions I would like to have a drink but explained (to him? to me?) that it would not be just one drink. It really has never been just one drink. So that scares me about having/trying "one" in later times. Makes me really not want any at all. Like ever. Enjoyed a fantasy of myself completely sober and bright with my son at all future events and felt warmth in that thought. Any image of drinking in his presence in the future scares me. I have done it in his life and it has completely depressed me. Perhaps the most important thing for me to do is to completely fucking stop drinking. For myself, for my son, for life. Get myself together. I have been a mess for years. I think I am desperate to be clean.
Day 8 Part 2
Great sunny windy day. Productive getting seedlings in larger pots. Hung out with the man at the park and in the backyard. Had a thought or two about drinking. Nothing major. A long way to go, though. Things feel bright and clean.
Day 8
Hey Day 8! The start of a second week. I'm not exactly jumping out of bed each morning but it is so, so nice not having a headache from drinking. I can imagine life/the future without alcohol but it's so BIG at the same time. Drinking (not drinking) is so not an important life element. In the large scale I mean. In the tiny scale, I guess it's pretty enormous. Must think on why I started getting messed up in the first place. Absolutely never was a one drink/etc type of gal. Why? At the same time I should consider the why behind stopping. Proud of the past week. Damn proud.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Day 7 Part 4
Cool. Today is done. Is this forever? I'm kind of anxious at the thought, sad that I'm anxious about it, slightly excited at the thought as well. It's just complicated. I feel like I am seeing it a bit more clearly. Even when I quit drinking while I was pregnant, I felt really fantastic but it happened because I had to, not because I wanted to. Or because I needed to. I'm seeing my casual yet determined attitude about drinking a little differently. Many years of this. Really such a sad long time. It's understandable that this would be difficult. I do kind of want to embrace forever but I am scared for some depressing reason. Again, at least for now I must remember that it's not just the one celebratory drink way down the line. It's really not just one for me. Perhaps one (obsessively experienced) that evening..but likely more another night and then fuck, back to shadow and habit and everything. Is this a huge thing I am doing? I feel sort of like I threw myself off the side of a boat and I'm aware that I'm hanging in mid-air but I am not falling. Maybe this is the end and I didn't even know it. Some part of me was just like FUCK THIS!!!!! almost subconsciously. Deep breath. I should probably try going to a meeting some time soon. No hangover tomorrow morning. No prehangover tonight. One week done. I am happy. Miss my dad like hell.
Day 7 Part 3
Long day. Some tension and stress. When we got home I thought it would be so nice to have a beer or glass of wine. That has mostly passed. Still feeling it a bit. I can deal with it. I will feel so good tomorrow having completed one full sober week. I need to sit with these emotions and process them and release them. Don't need to have a drink for that. Tired. Tough fucking day.
Day 7
Good morning. The tulips we bought yesterday have perked up and look so gentle and lovely in the dining room and bedroom. No drinking today. Face it all head on. Be strong. Be brave. Be kind.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Day 6 Part 4
Big night, in a way. Dinner with my dear buddy and no cravings while eating.... but before and after, thoughts of "the future" hovered. Driving home I had a pang, normally I would be stopping to pick up something to drink for my husband and I. Maybe even partly out of weird obligation, to my habit. Addiction. Ugh. Depressing. Felt sad at not stopping. Then felt good and proud about it. Went and got my car washed at 8:30pm like a lunatic. Got home and felt so happy to see my husband. I always am, but was so happy to be embracing him soberly. Had a really sincere, open talk with him about my issues, dysfunction, all of it. It was so good to talk about it candidly and I am so lucky that we can communicate with each other like that. We trust each other implicitly. The future is still there...however today was good. A victory. I feel like this next phase of my life should be different. I need to grow up. Move on. It is hard. I wish it wasn't but it really fucking is. So glad to go to sleep having had no drinks at all today, instead of one quick first one, inevitable second, likely third, headache for tomorrow morning, shitty feelings, regret, guilt, fear. Fear. Where is it going, my drinking? No, tonight it is melancholy, peace, happiness, sadness, grief, pride, excitement, longing, curiosity. I look forward to waking with no hangover because tomorrow is Easter and is most definitely a big day. I wonder who I am sober.
Day 6 Part 3
Got a deep sadness in the pit of my chest riding waves up and down each hour. I need strength.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Day 5 Part 4
Really nice day today. Lots of time inside and outside with my son, read a bunch as our dog napped in my legs, got a beautiful present for a friend, time with my husband, super-naughty and delicious mexican tater tots, I even got to the gym. It felt great. I love my husband so much. He has been so supportive. I have the endless loop of melancholic aching banjo in my head and it fits. Sleep now and the end of Day 5. I am accomplishing tiny feats of strength. Sometimes I feel so weird. This problem seems so small. I wish it didn't have such an impact but it does.
Day 5 Part 3
A wee craving in the car on the way home thinking of it being Friday and our couch night. I also have some tiny glee in not drinking and am proud of myself. I have a problem. Trying to solve it. Love my family so much. Must be kind to myself now.
Day 5
Hi Day 5. Still super raw. This morning I was full on sobbing with grief in the kitchen. It comes from such tiny triggers, and with such crippling force. With this, I also do feel really good about being on my fifth day. The past couple of days I've had the thoughts of whether this is a break, a re-evaluation of my behavior/relationship with drinking (really all substances), or if it's permanent. I've been doing different things for so long with such consistency that I don't really know if I am capable of the very rare, casual, enjoyable drink or two. I truly have no idea. I believe I may not be, or at least I am afraid if I do try then it will just spiral into the old habits. Either way, I don't need to decide that now. I know I don't want to drink a single drink for my 100 day challenge. So hi, day 5. Good morning.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Day 4 Part 3
For some reason, my first Day 4 post is stuck in an endless "publishing" tunnel. Not sure that it will ever resolve itself. I guess it serves me right for writing it at work. I am very raw today. Really I am so raw every fucking day. Things hurt so quickly, and so deeply, and I burn. I don't know if it's the not drinking, the grief, the school/work/life stress, ye olde tyme of the month, or just me, or what the hell. It all sucks. But much is so good and beautiful, too. I am blessed, just dealing with a bunch of heavy stuff right now. Not drinking is really...cool. And I had a couple of cravings today. And they were useless and depressing and actually didn't last too long. I am so happy to get through today in spite or because of many hidden tears.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Day 3 Part 4
Forgot to bring my seeds in for the night. Went out back to a bright full moon and an ice cream truck echoing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the distance. It is March and almost 10pm. It helped.
Day 3 Part 3
Sleep now and not a drop of alcohol. Happy for this fact. I love my family and I miss my dad so much. It hurts.
Day 3
Day 3 begins with sun and murmuring from my little boy. I am saddened to hear of the terror in Brussels. I pray the world will find peace inside itself one day. I pray the same for myself. Truly going to try and stay positive today. This is a good thing I am doing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Day 2 Part 2
In bed now...my son sleeping in his room across the hall, my husband reading next to me, and our little dog tucked in between us, "in the middles". A good day. Melancholy morning, pushed through, library with our tiny man, walk in the park, dropped out of grad school, tacos, reading. Wanted to drink briefly here and there. Why did I want to drink? It was frustrating and depressing. I did not drink. Had a nice lemon juice/seltzer fun drink. Then tea. I am not really a tea gal but maybe one day. Texted a dear old friend, my mom, and my mom-in-law. Loved being present all day with my beautiful son. His personality is really shining. He makes me so happy. Why have I been getting fucked up since age fourteen? Day 2 is done and off to dream. I miss my father.
Day 2
Good Morning,
Had troublesome dreams but nothing too bad. My sleep tends to be a little funky and I suspect some of it has to do with unresolved stuff and some to do with years of drinking.
So, in the 2 years since my last post, some things have happened, particularly last year. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer and 2 months later I gave birth to my son. 2015 was such a year for our family.
I'd like to write more about those events but for now I just wanted to check in and say hi. Day 2, 9:28am. So far, so good.
Much love.