What is my life now, without alcohol?
My life is my own.
I have goals now. I have never had goals before. I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life. I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober. I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse. There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior. No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink. No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole. I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves. I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths. I see compassion. I see love. I see my father.
I have self-respect. I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace. It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother. I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them. I believe in myself more. My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself. I like that I am able to depend on myself more now. I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there. I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle. I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.
In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more. I need to listen more. I need to listen to others, to myself, to God. The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard. Much love always.
Love reading this! Yes, static- that's what it is. So nice to have some silence and clarity. Good for you:)
ReplyDeleteAh, thank you dear Suburban Betty! Hope all is well in your corner of the world!
DeleteYou are off an running into the 100s, so great to see. I feel like my circuits are just starting to really fire correctly again, finally beginning to move forward into whatever is next.
ReplyDeleteI really am and I know that you are beginning to have the 100s in your sights as well! <3:)
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