Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 99: Eve of Triple Digits

Just a brief note to say I am thankful to be here and I have to keep going.  Much love.

Day 92: This Will Always Be My "Thing"

I can't believe I'm in the 90's. This seemed so far out when I first began this journey.  Now all of a sudden, here I am.  Unbelievable.  Not one drop of alcohol, all by choice.  When I first started, I thought well, I am really going to try this.  Sincerely.  I want to get to 100 days, and I'd like to blog every single day, compelling or mundane.  Yet, the little doubting/addicted voice inside my head said, well, if you give in and drink, you can just shut your blog down.  Who would know or care.  No one reads it.  This is for you.  You'd be embarrassed and instead of sharing, you could just run away with your bottle.  That is so far from where I am now.  It's awful to admit that is what I thought, but it's true.  I got hits here and there, probably mistakes or just computer engines humming or something.  Nobody responded, so I thought, ehh, whatever.  Then a few folks *did* comment.  They said, hey, you are doing great, keep it up.  And I thought, oh my, well I don't want to let them down, and more importantly, don't want to let myself down.  I don't want to be a coward.  So I determined at some point that if I relapsed, I would continue to blog.  I would share that experience.  I would want to read that if I were someone in the world interested in these types of issues, which I am, and have read those stories on several blogs.  I find it very brave to be honest and just be real with yourself and share.  So I decided I would not run away.  And then more time had passed, and I've begun to forget about the relapse fear.  I hardly think about it anymore.  I am mindful of supporting my sobriety, and I am very early yet.  I know this.  But I don't obsess about relapsing.  And wouldn't you know here I am on Day 92, no booze in sight.  It's great.  Quite an accomplishment thus far.  It will never be over, I understand this.  I will always need to be mindful that this is my thing.  I need to be aware that there may come a sad time in the future that I do decide to drink.  That would be hard.  But I hope to keep moving forward because I truly love living this way and since there is no "just one" for me, I need to cut it out completely.  Initially, I didn't think deep down this would be forever.  Now I would like for it to be forever.  I've gained more insight into my whole thing with drinking and realize none at all is the wisest, healthiest, and most fun option.  Hooray for not being a slave to booze!  Much love to you always.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 89: I Have My Life Back

So glad to not be on the booze treadmill (as Mrs. D called it) anymore. I am just so thankful for this. I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. Before it was a cycle of the same thoughts surrounding alcohol. I am only on the eve of my 90th day, and that still seems very early. So I am just moving along here. I still have all the mess and joy of life now, but it is like I have my life back. It is major.

Day 82: The Booze Veil

I've been trying to study like a sober madwoman and keep ahead of the material because this class is challenging!  Oh, but it is so incredibly, absolutely fascinating, too.  I am in love with it. I am so happy to be in this class while not drinking.  It will help me be so much more focused, help me to retain information better, help keep me connected to my goals, keep me dedicated.  I want to get through nursing school completely sober- how cool and appropriate would that be??

It feels SO good to not be boozing through life.  The booze veil was lifted when I stopped drinking and I really feel like a different person, woman, mother...existence is being experienced as it was meant to.  I hate admitting it but I had forgotten what it meant to live life unaltered.  Isn't that so sad?  Life came to be naturally paired with SOMETHING chemical.  Why did that happen?  How?  I think I'm a pretty reasonable gal....but there was no reason to that at all.  It took over, very quickly if I remember.  My switch was flipped.  And now here I am..Day 82...slowly but surely doing it.  This is truly what is best for myself and my world.  With much love to all and a very happy weekend to you, I wish you well in your travels, whether old-time sober, newly sober, almost sober, contemplating sober, or happily non-sober.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Day 75: Sobertastic

Whoa, Day 75!  How did that happen?  That is actually starting to sound close to 100, which was my initial sober goal.  Of course, now my sober goal is a little further out (the entirety of my LIFE- ahh!)..but this feels good.

I think the reason why I've had some trouble identifying myself as a sober person is because I'm scared I will fail.  Like, oh, you were "sober" and now you're drinking again, big surprise there.  But who would say that?  I haven't thought that about other people I've heard that stopped and resumed.  No way.  I guess it would be me thinking that.  I have been taking this very seriously and I don't want to mess it up at all.  I honestly haven't even been drawn to AF wine or AF beer, because it seems too close to the real thing.  This is nothing against folks who enjoy these types of drinks, by the way.  I can see them being a really good alternative, especially if there is a craving afoot.  For me, it's just too close, at least right now.  As far as my sobriety, I think  I am all in on this.  So I may as well tell anyone who inquires, because I am committed.  Maybe I was scared to admit that before (again, scared to fail).

I had a random urge last night.  I don't remember it being triggered by anything- I really need to pay attention to that.  But I wasn't moping around, I think I was in a fine mood.  And then BOOM, a longing to drink.  I had it, I sat with it, I knew I wasn't going to, that frustrated me, then it passed and I was back to my old (new) self...sober and happy.  These urges do not disappear, and they are a tricky lot, but I can definitely say they have lessened in both intensity and frequency.  Thank the sober stars!

In other news, I believe I've lost almost 10 pounds.  I put on one or two because I made these butter-tastic cookies the other day and ate about a dozen (not an exaggeration), but still.  The booze weight does come off!  And who cares if I eat a dozen cookies.  I don't do that every day, and dang it, I haven't drank for 75 days- that is huge for me!  Anything is better than drinking...within reason :).  Much love to all and a very happy Friday to you.

Day 70: Honoring Loss

Day 70 and it feels really good not drinking.  As I said, this is a tough weekend and I am moving through it as best I can, but I have a really sincere and proud feeling about not drinking my way through the difficulty.  I believe Mrs. D spoke about a time when she moved and felt that since she boozed throughout the process, she never really grieved the loss of her old home effectively until after she was sober.  I am starting to get that and feeling as though I am honoring the loss of my dad in a more real way.  It is still extremely difficult.

As far as urges or triggers, I've had a variety of different movements along the craving spectrum, but really nothing too intense, and certainly nothing that seriously made me consider drinking.  I don't want to do that at all.  Any brief thoughts of wanting to drink seem to get crushed by bigger thoughts of knowing it wouldn't just be one and that it would solve nothing and in fact only make things worse.  It isn't even really purposeful- I think my brain is just learning to respond to itself and I don't have to try too hard to "fight" the boozy voice.  Day 70.  It really is starting to feel real now.  Much love to you.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

Really-Really!

It's Day 65 for me today, and I think I am going to go back to keeping track of the days because it just feels good.  I have a real sense of accomplishment for every day, even though most days are not really "work" at all.  I am pleased to be sober and genuinely enjoy not drinking.  When I first began my journey, I read statements like that and thought, really?  I mean, really-really?  I can truly say yes, really-really, it is awesome not drinking.  I wanted to get to a place where I felt comfortable not drinking, felt like it was something I used to do and now I don't, and I believe I am beginning to reach that place.  Once again, I find it paramount that I never get cocky or overly-confident.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or even tonight honestly.  But I feel normal and I do not miss drinking.  Much love.

60 Days

60 complete days sober.  I can continue to honestly say that I LOVE not drinking.  As has been the case with other personal milestones (1 day, 20 days, 30 days), the number 60 feels a bit small, but when I really consider each day, I see the wide-reaching enormity of them all.  What will feel like a "big" number?  Maybe a year?  I think that's a pretty big one.  Either way, the victory of tiny days is a blessing.

I got a chocolate croissant for breakfast as a special treat, and I have a cold ginger beer in the fridge for tonight.  It's so nice getting sober treats!  I used to spend so much on alcohol!  Now I get flowers, chocolate, fizzy drinks, a pair of shoes, whatever- anything and everything is better than booze.

When I started out, I wanted to do Belle's 100 Day Challenge, but as the days progressed, I realized what I really wanted to do was stop drinking for good.  Stop the almost daily/often mindless drinking; stop the headaches; stop the lack of self-respect; stop unhealthy behavior; stop the escapism; stop the overemotional indulgence; just stop!  Drinking has been connected with my life for a long time.  It has been an adjustment letting that aspect of existence go.  Really, when I stopped on 3/21, I felt like it was the right time and right moment.  The sober stars aligned, if you will.  I hope they stay in that pattern and I continue with this because it is such a good thing for me, my family, and my life.

I love Mrs. D's perspective and honesty about her experience.   She really was an inspiration for me, and continues to be.  Her steady, "determined" drinking habit didn't quite feel crazy/over-the-top (no DUIs, no blackouts, no abusive behavior, etc), but she knew in her heart how dysfunctional it was and that it was getting worse.  The longer she went without drinking, the more she was able to get in touch with herself.  She found that she had been avoiding emotions with drinking, something she'd never realized while boozing.  I completely relate to all of that.

Happy Friday to all and much love and support to every single person rolling along in their own journey toward getting sober or maintaining sobriety! <3

I Love It

Another day and night coming to a close. It is Day 58. Is this forever? Will this be the only Day 58 I'll ever have?  I am at the point where I think, "I hope so". I like that thought. I like not drinking. I really do. That is so cool. And the day count is starting to have the feeling of a little weight behind it, in my head. A wee bit of weight. It is starting to feel really real and also very, very comfortable. It's something I want to keep doing.  I am proud of this time. I like the current zone I'm in, because there is a little bit of comedy, a little bit of tragedy, and overall a bit of poetry in this whole process, for me anyway. I love it.

Day 50

Hey there! How goes it?  Things are up, down, and all around here, but one thing remains- I love not drinking. I just love it so much.  It's Day 50 for me today and I count this as 50 days of awesome, enlightening, positive, non-drinking growth.  I have missed alcohol here and there the past few days but truly nothing major.  It is usually a holdover from coping with drinking for so long.  In stopping drinking, I have never wanted to feel like I was depriving myself.  I just wanted to get the place where I  simply did not want to drink.  I am getting there.  When I miss drinking I think about it a little deeply and realize that I miss something that doesn't really exist.  I miss the imaginary one drink.  It really just doesn't exist for me.  I can imagine having a glass of wine and it being nice.  Then I can imagine the reality of what happens next.  The first one unlocks a desire for one more.  Then the second one is the one that unlocks the "screw it, more!" attitude.  And then there I am with 3 or 4 drinks in my system when all I had wanted was one.  And also the cycle of that happening almost every day begins.  And perhaps it leading to darker times down the line.  It's a bit chilling.  I must continue to remember that is the natural chain of events for me.  I can't stop at thinking of just one because there is more to the story than that.  I can't just leave the rest of the story unread/ignored.  It's there and it would be wrong and silly to deny it.  It's all good.  Really.  50 days!  Doesn't sound like that many really, but I love every single one of them nonetheless.  I really want to keep this going.  Anyone out there, if you feel like you are really ready to stop/reevaluate, I 100% say go for it!  50 days ago I saw drinking as a necessary, natural, inevitable part of life.  Now I see it as completely the opposite.  I see it as taken way too casually by our society, I see it as a much darker thing than I did before, and I just see it as not at all necessary to have in my existence.  It just doesn't need to be there at all.  Nothing I do or go through "needs" alcohol.  Nothing I experience needs to be experienced with drinking.  Let us celebrate, grieve, and be together as clear, beautiful beings.  I thought about the nature of "I need a drink" and it just makes me so sad to think about that.  It simply doesn't need to be true at all.  Who "needs" a drink?  Is that the only way to cope?  "I am incapable of dealing this without alcohol" is really what I hear in that.  What a drag!  What a fallacy.  Alcohol.  Such a goofy, weird little devil of a thing.  And all it takes to not have it effect things in my life is to simply not drink.  It is still sinking in but I really am coming to get this in a more full way with each day.  When I say drinking, I really should specify altering my mind in general.  I have long since given up the other things but they should be included.  I don't want to alter my life any longer.  I just want to live it as a real person.  So Happy 50 days to me and to everyone else celebrating their 50 days as well!  Let it all continue to roll along in peace.  Much love and support to all.

100th Post!

It hit me when I was standing in the kitchen: I have been pretty darn tootin' productive since I got sober.  It's weird to say that..."got sober".............am I sober?  I mean, I am.  No alcohol or mind-altering substance (besides caffeine) this entire time.  It's just that the word sober feels so official- not in a bad way, but...it sounds so accomplished and has a lot of weight behind it.  I feel so far from that.  It takes time to get there, I guess. And the only way to get there is one day at a time, of course.  But yeah, been pretty productive!  Still learning Spanish, keeping tidier, playing a bit more music than before, being a more present mom, keeping a bit more organized, reading a lot more, enjoying time with my husband, blogging, gardening, doing bereavement class, left social work school because it just wasn't the right fit for me, listening to my inner self more, going out for evening walks with my family when weather allows, exploring my heart and soul more, just generally LIVING more.  It is awesome.  I have 43 complete days and this is my 100th post.  Hope all are well, the newly sober and old-timers alike.

40 Days

Hello out there. Just want to share that it's Day 41 today so I officially have 40 full days under the old sober belt. I've had a lot of random, weird thoughts about drinking and not drinking, but through it all, no alcohol. It doesn't really seem like many days but I appreciate each of them and am not trying to diminish them.

Lately I've noticed some heightened feelings of confidence and self-respect, which I am so grateful for. Not confident like "I've got it now, I'm a sober pro!" (faaaar from it). Just a little bit more general confidence in myself, my judgment, my heart. It's nice.

I've been trying to make it a point to write a post each day documenting some moment or feeling, however brief. It's been really good for me and has been helping me stay that much more accountable. It has also been helpful in processing/releasing some of my grief. Sending much support to all in recovery, in bereavement, and in between.

Obsessing! Ugh!

I have a question for any AA folks who might come across this...do you get your milestone chip on the day itself or the day after?  As in, today is Day 30 for me, but technically I have only 29 days sober under my belt since the 30th day isn't over. Would it be more appropriate to obtain your chip on Day 31, thereby technically having "30 days"?  I don't mean to obsess or overthink this.  I inquired about this on the Living Sober website and people were awesome and basically said, just chill and own the days.  I am just curious is all.  Not planning to get the chip today, or necessarily at all, who knows, but if I do (or the 60 Day chip, or One Year for that matter....not trying to get ahead of myself, eek!), I just want it to be an honest/accurate count of sobriety.  Some seem to measure in days, some in months, some in years, some not at all.  I guess it's safer to get it the day after.  Since after all, it is "one day at a time" in AA............agggghhh, why am I obsessing about this??  Better than drinking I suppose :).

Day 30

It is Day 30 today!  I have a long way to go but it's definitely an accomplishment.  The past 30 days have been really interesting.  Here is a summary of what has gone down:

- Realized it was time to stop drinking because I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol
- Consumed no alcohol beginning 3/21/2016
- Encountered some cravings here and there
- Had a really difficult night that caused me to want to drink but I did not; determined the biggest trigger for me is my grief
- Read Lotta Dann's "Mrs. D is Going Without", Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily", and Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" within the first couple of weeks and gained a lot from each of them
- Started reading some really fantastic and honest sober blogs
- Attended 3 different AA meetings, the most recent of which was a great women's meeting that I would return to
- Began delving into my history of drinking and contemplating the how and why of my substance usage
- Began really thinking critically about alcohol in general and seeing it in a new light as an unnecessary part of life
- Started this blog and have written in it every day, sometimes multiple times a day; have found it to be a really effective release and outlet
- Joined Living Sober in order to participate in the online community there; it has been awesome so far
- Began reading the Big Book
- Lived the past 30 days alcohol free!

I am really happy today. Going to celebrate with some quality time with my family!  Much support going out to all celebrating their Day 30 today!

Signs of Strength

Well, the meeting was not an all-women meeting....bummer.  The AA schedule needs to be updated online.  Another non-love connection, but truly respected all who shared tonight.  I am going to find that women's meeting!  Something in the meetings has me wanting to continue.  Not sure about AA yet...but there is something there.  The sharing is just searingly real.  I really respond to the vulnerability.  Just looking for that particular connection.  On the way home I was in a pretty good mood and looking forward to seeing my husband.  Then I drove past the exit where my dad is buried and I just exploded with tears, sobbing on the beltway.  The pain absolutely took over.  Everything came crashing over me without warning.  Drove the rest of the way and even as upset as I felt, I also realized I had no desire to drink.  Not a shred of desire.  A couple of weeks ago, I would absolutely have stopped by the liquor store to get something to cope, or to get something for a happy Sunday night with my husband (to match whichever feeling- celebrate, time together!...or..cope, the grief is just awful and unbearable).  Anyway, got home, talked at length with my husband about the experience, cried a bit more, just basically let it out.  He was completely supportive and awesome. God I love him so much. We ate dinner and watched Chopped and then snuggled with our dog on the couch.  Now time for sleep.  I am exhausted but feeling a ray of strength as well.  Tomorrow will be my 29th day.  Almost to 30.  How cool is that?