Day 228: Stunted

Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore.  Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways.  I think it stunted me emotionally.  I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior.  It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.

This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning.  I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:

"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."

What the....?  It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness?  NEED to drink?  Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management?  Have I even tried?  Why is booze my only option?  Why is it my savior?  Why did I even think this?  Another knee-jerk?  ????

I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought.  It's really clear I have some issues.  I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation.  So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things.  I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!

On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink.  Much love always.