Day 206: Hello Out There

We moved to a new state and there has been a lot going on, including a long delay in obtaining new internet.  I am so glad to be sitting here writing because this blog means a lot to me and I know I need to make it a priority to write more frequently.  It is rejuvenating to process the thoughts and emotions and other "muck" :).

So, yes, I am still currently sober and it is still really great.  I have struggled here and there with wanting to drink.   A couple of moments have been tough, but for the most part things have been manageable.  I never regret not drinking and the urges always, always fade.  I know I would instantly regret drinking if I did, so as of now, I continue along this route.  It has been working for me!

Stress and sadness make me want to drink.  Big shocker, right?  Getting overwhelmed with what I am responsible for, what I have yet to do, overwhelmed with grief, feeling lonesome/alone, anger, when I let myself down, when I let my husband or my son down, etc.  It all feels awful, so I still feel my go-to coping mechanism kick in, like hey! You know what would push these crappy feelings away?  Booze!  Sometimes it's even just simply walking past a bar in town (of which there are thankfully very few) and seeing a sign advertising special for my old favorite beer (Yuengling) for some random weeknight.  I have a little longing like, gee, that sounds nice.  And I think, well that isn't practical and it isn't realistic.  Because of course: it is never just one.  I continue to recognize this.  I have forced those words into the forefront of my heart and mind in this journey.  There is no just one for me.  Either I never learned how to have just one or I never had the just-one gene to begin with- either way, same result.  So when I get to feeling down and drinkish, I think a few steps ahead.  I first think of myself drinking and enjoying it.  Then I think of myself drinking more and starting to not enjoy it.  Then I think of myself drinking the way I used to, and that is just too depressing to think about anymore.  That usually does the trick.

My son is starting to wake up so I have to cut this short.  Sending much love always to every single person out there struggling no matter what your issue.