When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life. I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable. In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.
It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :). It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment. Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help. I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.
I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking. It used to be all about the booze. It really did. It's Friday! Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever! Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday! I deserved it- what a long week! Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc. It was truly all about the alcohol. Yikes. That is so sad!
Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband. It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y. I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc. All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.
A few notes on why I love not drinking:
- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"
I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself. I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur. It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well. But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic. That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself. So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic. And it's fine. Because I am doing something about it.
Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3
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