The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful. I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze. It makes me so sad. I do not want to go there ever again. I don't want to be that person anymore.
It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for. It is something to believe in. I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me. It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.
I have a lot to work on. I have a lot of anger. Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away. It comes out all the time now. It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it. I think my dad getting sick started the release. That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down. I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well. I'm sure I still am. I totally cannot hide from it now. I get ashamed of my anger. I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.
At least I'm aware of it and working to change it. It needs to come out in healthier ways. I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life. I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration. Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.
Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out. Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...
A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that. I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine. I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit. Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.
Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.
I find that for me, I need to get out of my own head.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have too much time to think about things, I tend to magnify issues, or build resentments.
Gratitude is the best way for me to let go of resentments.
Anger is normal and healthy, but you are right, it needs to be expressed in a healthy way.
xo
Wendy
Thank you, Wendy- I wish it wasn't so difficult sometimes. I still think about something you said awhile back, that you used to feel somehow entitled or didn't deserve to have crappy things happen to you and how silly that really is. I try to be aware of the fact that bad stuff happens and it's how you deal with it that matters. Thanks for continuing to be an inspiration to folks like me :).
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