Alcoholic vs. Non-Drinker

I have a lot on my mind this morning.  It's so lovely outside- we are on such a roll this week, weather-wise.  Anyway, a few things.  First of all, I have not told anyone about quitting drinking except for my husband (and the internet :)..).  I guess it will come naturally at some point.  I want to tell my family and friends, but it feels so weird.  I don't want it to be a big deal, or make a big deal about it, but at the same time it *is* kind of a big deal.  Or is it??  I just long for the day when I don't even think about it.  I suppose it will come out however and whenever it's meant to.  I wonder if/when I will tell them about this blog.

I don't know if this is denial or what, but I'm not sure if I am an alcoholic.  I know I have been drinking dysfunctionally, for a long time.  Maybe it's because sobriety is still really new, and I am still trying to see myself the way I was and the way I am and want to be.  It will become clear in time and I don't need to be in a rush to label myself.  I am thinking about it because I suppose the thing some people may wonder when I say I'm no longer drinking is "is she an alcoholic?".  Or maybe if I don't make a big deal about it, they will just not really notice or care

If I am an alcoholic, it makes me feel really sad because there is such a stigma about it.  I know people can relate.  If my husband and I didn't have our baby boy, I think I might be more open to it (not sure?), but it feels so depressing to think about having our son and me being an alcoholic.  Maybe that's why I am resistant to this term...confused about it's accuracy.

Some people might read this blog and think, "Oh yeah, the words of an alcoholic- she's in denial, she'll see it in time."  I mean, who writes a blog about stopping drinking if they aren't an alcoholic??  Others might read this and think, "Oh, she wasn't too bad, she stopped before it ever got remotely close to true darkness.  She was a problem drinker, recognized it (finally), and moved on."  It feels like there's some truth to that.  But are they the same thing?  Is it harder to consider myself an alcoholic because I didn't really have anything truly awful occur?

Uggh. I feel more comfortable saying I don't drink anymore and leaving it at that, or saying I stopped because I was drinking too frequently/too much.  It's like I'm afraid the "A" word labels me as a Bad Mother.  That is such a horrible thing to say.  I guess it's my life, so I can label myself however I want to.  And anyway, I am trying to better my situation, so that is really awesome.

Jason Vale wrote about the terms alcoholic vs. non-drinker, and felt that he was an alcoholic when he was drinking, and when he stopped, he just simply was a non-drinker.  I don't know if it's denial, or rationalizing, or semantics, or insightful, or what.  I like it, but I also think of the people who have not had anything to drink for years and still consider themselves alcoholics (or ex-alcoholics?  in recovery? recovered alcoholics?  hmmm).  It seems depressing in some ways, but I guess they say that to continue to remind themselves that they should never drink again at all, which is obviously very important to them and for their lives.  I respect that.  Anyway, it's interesting.  Maybe it will be clearer to me as the days accumulate.