Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here
What can I say today. Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are. For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink. No desire to "drown my sorrows". No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct. I do not want or need alcohol at all. I am so proud to say that. My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day. Much love.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Day 229: Fall
Fall is such a beautiful season. The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.
Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed. These are powerful thoughts and memories. They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways. I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything. I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this. It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard. I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand. Just stop and sit with him, There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again. I will never be able to just BE with him. I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven. I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.
I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis. I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss. I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain. I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart. It really hasn't gone away at all. I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me. What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once. It is truly like seeing a ghost. It is not comforting for me. It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.
My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful. And I miss that so much.
The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this. Not anymore. I hardly ever think about drinking anymore. It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.
Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.
Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed. These are powerful thoughts and memories. They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways. I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything. I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this. It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard. I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand. Just stop and sit with him, There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again. I will never be able to just BE with him. I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven. I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.
I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis. I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss. I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain. I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart. It really hasn't gone away at all. I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me. What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once. It is truly like seeing a ghost. It is not comforting for me. It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.
My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful. And I miss that so much.
The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this. Not anymore. I hardly ever think about drinking anymore. It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.
Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Day 228: Stunted
Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore. Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.
I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways. I think it stunted me emotionally. I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior. It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.
This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning. I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:
"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."
What the....? It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness? NEED to drink? Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management? Have I even tried? Why is booze my only option? Why is it my savior? Why did I even think this? Another knee-jerk? ????
I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought. It's really clear I have some issues. I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation. So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things. I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!
On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink. Much love always.
I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways. I think it stunted me emotionally. I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior. It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.
This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning. I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:
"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."
What the....? It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness? NEED to drink? Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management? Have I even tried? Why is booze my only option? Why is it my savior? Why did I even think this? Another knee-jerk? ????
I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought. It's really clear I have some issues. I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation. So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things. I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!
On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink. Much love always.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Day 227: Part 2
Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.
Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.
I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.
For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.
Day 227: Demons
Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day. My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice... She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor. Awesome :(.
At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."... I heard and honestly, it scared me a little. It didn't sound like me. I don't know who it sounded like. A hollow version of me? I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit. I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking. Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all. It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded. It really did. I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.
I am still battling these booze demons. It's still early days. Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days. Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.
At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."... I heard and honestly, it scared me a little. It didn't sound like me. I don't know who it sounded like. A hollow version of me? I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit. I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking. Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all. It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded. It really did. I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.
I am still battling these booze demons. It's still early days. Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days. Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Day 226: Cold Medicine?
I have been a bit under the weather and rundown from a cold the past few days, and the slightly rough part is that I'm uncomfortable with taking any cold medicine that contains alcohol. I've taken some non-alcohol stuff and it just really hasn't helped too much. I have responded well to Nyquil in the (boozy) past and I'm wishing I could take it now, but I'm scared of how it might affect me or if it would flip the tiniest of switches in my head and turn me toward drinking sooner or later. I don't want to underestimate the potential for this to happen. How sad would it be to start drinking again after taking little ole Nyquil?? I am trying not to have any illusions about anything and anticipate as much as possible. Anyone ever have experience with this? Still happy to not be drinking. Happy November to all with much love.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Day 225: Boo!
Happy Halloween :)! I love this holiday- it is so much fun! In the past it was a big-time excuse to get my drink on (when wasn't??). Now I have no desire to drink. I am so much more at peace with things. So thankful that right now, I not only do not drink, but I do not WANT to drink. Much love.
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