Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 148: Tiny Cracks

I am a little ashamed of letting my writing slip so long.  It has been and continues to be such a meaningful tool for helping me to continue maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we've had a lot going on- my son turned 1 and we had a family party for him; I completed my summer class and got an A (big accomplishment for me- a lot of hard work).  Very recently, we have also begun planning a big move across the country, and this I believe has been leading me down a little bit of a rabbit hole.  I have felt my grip slipping a bit.  It's not been unmanageable, but little urge-y cracks have been forming quicker than I am able to spackle them up.  I am really scared about the move.  Scared about adjusting to a new life.  It will hopefully be a big step up for our family and we are really excited about it, but what a change it will be.  I feel myself beginning to think I can handle a drink here and there in a new place, knowing I can't, but feeling it nonetheless.  I very rarely think about drinking at all here- if I do, it's just in a remembering way, definitely not in a longing way.  I guess I'm having a bit of a tough time.  The emotional aspect of telling family we are moving halfway across the company is probably what has me down right now.  I think I am going to try and open up a bit more on here.  I do not want to drink and I do not want to be a boozy mom, or a coper-with-booze, or a boozy anything, except a non-boozer.  Think I'll try to write more later.  Sorry for a downer post, other things are really good here.  Hope all is well and much love to you always.

Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 91: Father's Day

Where have the days been going? Time is moving along. A tough day today but also had some really beautiful moments with my family. Morning found the three of us enjoying time together with at a playground under shady trees. Later a lovely  extended family lunch and then home just us three, cooking veggie dogs on the grill and watching our sweet dog frolick. So grateful to not be stuck in an endless cycle of drinking. Drinking could have killed so many of these quiet, private moments I cherish. I am starting to close in on 100 days. How strange. I love it. I hurt so much missing my dad but he was a wonderful father and I honor his memory every day in the love I give my son. Much love.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad

It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days.  I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol!  I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking!  It is so nice not going to the liquor store.  So nice being clear and aware in my class.  So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy.  I love that more than anything.  I want him to grow up in a substance-less home.  No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way.  Have that be his normal.  It is normal for so many individuals, why not him?  Why not me?  Getting there.  Much love.

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Day 69: Blessed

Such a tough day but the love of my family brings me so much comfort. Time together laughing, walking, playing, cooking, singing, just enjoying each other's presence and cherishing one another. I thought about my dad all day. I miss him all the time and I cried so hard for the loss of him. I think about how much he loved being a parent and that I am the exact same way. I realized that it being a holiday weekend and also the year anniversary of his death, I would normally have been drinking heavier than usual. It makes me so thankful to not be drinking any longer. I am free from that prison. I am blessed beyond belief and long to hold onto every single moment. Much love and support to all this weekend.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

So This is Real Life..

Hello out there. Lazing now after  such a big day. Not too much energy to share anything very significant. Just wanted to say I feel good. Glad to not be drinking. It ended up that nobody was drinking while we were at the bridal shower (except for one lone dude) and I didn't even have time to think it until pretty much right now. The high energy and emotional aspect of the day was very distracting and certainly would have led me to imbibe upon arriving home after getting our guy to sleep. Probably more than usual because of everything from today. Then sleep and feeling crummy tomorrow. I really do love my new normal. Removing alcohol from the equation has been so, so good. No more dependence on it. No more obsessing about it. I know I write about it but I really don't think about it much at all, and certainly not much in relation to wanting to drink. I still have urges, but they haven't been intense and definitely haven't been anything I would act on. Yes, this new normal is good. It feels like real life. Please let it continue.

Boozeless Shower

We are going to a co-ed bridal shower this weekend.  Most of my husband's family and extended family will be there.  They are really great people and I'm excited to go- even more so now that I've stopped drinking!  Can you believe that?  Being excited about attending a social event, where almost everyone will be drinking, and where I of course would also have been partaking before 3/21/16?  Yes!  I am stoked.

I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all!   Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive.  But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that.  It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave.  I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself.  I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).

Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks!  Mainly soda.  I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on.  I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good.  Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway.  Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink.  I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!).  We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, so far, so good today.  Much love.

Hi Diddly Ho!

So....I feel like my blog talks about a lot of downer stuff- I mean, the topics of death and drinking- not exactly encompassing the super-goodtimes-happy zone!  These are aspects of life (not just mine) and completely relevant to be working through, and the anonymity of this blog has helped me to be open about how I feel.  That said, today is really a good, smooth day, and I just wanted to share that.  Yay!  No soul-crushing grief or strange cravings to drink!  Not much obsession or rumination on either topic, to be honest.  Really, it's been so good.  Lots of time hanging with my son- he is the best.  I am so thankful to be able to be with him.  Also, my relationship with my husband is just, well, it kicks ass.  I am so lucky.  You know, if I would have continued drinking, going along as I had been, who knows what the future might have brought?  My drinking may have (almost definitely would have) gotten worse/increasingly dysfunctional/more of an issue....who knows where it would've led us all?  My son is still only under a year old, and I hear about some moms who hang out in play groups and drink wine or something.  It is so accepted!  I'm sure I would have gotten into that at some point.  That is bothersome.  Plus, you know me, it wouldn't have stopped with the wine at play time.  More drinking in the evening!  Errrg!  I don't like imagining darker times, but it's good to every now and again.  Is this becoming a downer post again? Drats!  Let me end with my extremely honest gratitude for not being a drinker anymore.  No real cravings to speak of, no end in sight (in a good way).  It's just really cool.  I love no longer being a boozy mom/wife/woman/human.  It is awesome!! :) <3

Low

Hi. Feeling a little low so I decided to clean the house and move furniture around.  It helps switching things up, though it's tough to do with the little guy keeping me busy.  Wish I could escape with my family but it's not a reality for us right now.  I miss my dad.  Nobody talks about him.  Sorry for the weird and random post.  Sometimes things are just off.  No desire to drink.  Much love to all always.

Mother's Day

Hello out there. Such a busy day. Very good times spent with family. We are always go-go-going on a holiday and it sometimes seems to slip by. It's a little tough but still very good to be with everyone. Feeling super not drinking. Good conversation with my husband about drinking and my dysfunction surrounding it. Home now with our tiny guy tucked in upstairs and our tiny dog tucked between us on the couch. Happy Mother's Day to all Moms with much love.