Day 228: Stunted

Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore.  Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways.  I think it stunted me emotionally.  I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior.  It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.

This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning.  I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:

"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."

What the....?  It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness?  NEED to drink?  Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management?  Have I even tried?  Why is booze my only option?  Why is it my savior?  Why did I even think this?  Another knee-jerk?  ????

I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought.  It's really clear I have some issues.  I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation.  So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things.  I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!

On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink.  Much love always.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.

Day 123: 4 Months Sober!

Wow, four months sober! Very cool.  I love that my sober day is 3/21 and I have 123 days today...just a funky coincidence but I find a little comfort in it.  Four months doesn't really seem like very long to me honestly, but when I think about how far I've come and how fast the time has been flying lately, it really is an accomplishment.

One of the biggest things I've noticed is that I am a lot less angry.  I used to be a little unpredictably explosive.  These outbursts were sort of like tantrums and I was ashamed of them but they just continued to occur.  There is nothing wrong with anger- it's healthy, of course.  I just felt like the things I'd get mad at were so useless and trivial.  I have seen a therapist a few times and she suggested perhaps these were things that were "safe" to let my anger out at.  I liked that explanation a lot...but it didn't stop them from cropping up.

The thing is, they hardly ever happen anymore!  Could be due to not drinking, could be due to continuing along through bereavement, could be both, who the heck knows- I like myself more now, though.

Just thought I'd share.  Still very busy with class and my tiny guy.  I value and appreciate the support I've received thus far on my journey.  Thank you so much.  Hope all are well and much love to you.

Peace to the Beast

My tiny angry beast seems to have disappeared the past several days.  What a relief... I hate feeling that way.  It isn't constant, but it's unpredictable and pops up from time to time.  I think what really helped to shift the madness tide was Un-Tipsy Teacher sharing a wise thought with me about her experience with anger...how it used to be that she felt like she "deserved" to be angry.  That has really stuck with me.  I hear entitlement in my anger, and now that I've recognized it, it seems I have more perspective about it.  It just clicked for me.  I get it now.  Like, "wow, this is not the end of the world- the universe isn't against you- it's just a bummer thing that happened and it will pass.." Yes, a bit like the cravings to drink/escape...in and out and onward.

I also think some of the things I've gotten angry at have been "safe" things to be mad about.  Like tripping on the stairs or something.  I might get super upset about that (doesn't last long, but really sours my day and puts me in a "poor me" mood)......but my anger about my dad's suffering at the end of his days and the way some of the providers treated him, that doesn't come out as anger, it just comes out as depression/sadness.  I don't know if that's an accurate thought, but I suspect there's something to it.  Anyway, happy Tuesday to all :).  Not Angry Tuesday, Happy Tuesday! :)

Doomed to Rage??

Errrrg, something is wrong.  I have some serious anger that isn't going away.  It's such a secret, too.  Most people truly would never know.  I need to get to the bottom of things.  I try not to but I just have tiny explosions around the house.  Only the dog knows.  And my son, although I really do try to unleash my little ragey demon in another room.  I feel like such a monster.  It comes from such small stuff.  Not every little thing, but it's unpredictable.  I absolutely despise it!!! I never thought of myself as an angry person- never!  Have I just never effectively released anger my whole life, and now it's just leaking out in unhealthy ways?  Is it more to do with my dad and the loss and everything leading up to his death and unresolved stuff?  Is it being a new mom?  Is it not drinking?  Is it normal to have this anger because the emotions have been dulled for so long and this is still so new?  If so, when does it stop?? What is wrong with me?  Through it all, no desire to drink...a little sober beam of light. But jeez, I need to calm down.  Do I analyze the why behind the anger or do I just let it roll and find healthy ways to release it because as they say, anger is normal and healthy?  Ugh.

Randomish

Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.

Anger and Loss and Art

Ehhh, what a big day. Some days just seem bigger than others. I have these weird tiny fits of rage or anger. I wish I didn't. I am scared by them sometimes. I don't remember ever being like this before. Maybe that was the problem? It started before I stopped drinking, though. I guess it isn't reasonable, rational, or even healthy, to be anger-less. Last night the bereavement class was hard. A lot of lost souls, lost hearts. Lost love. We are hoping to find some bit of peace. I'm glad to be a part of the group. It seems like a positive step. Today I had some drinking cravings. It was hard. Not really super powerful, but definitely there. Also had rationalizing going on about the future. I think about having just one drink, here and there, very rarely, and then I think about it later and I'm just like, would that be miserable or acceptable? It seems like none is so much easier to comprehend than one. As hard as that is to comprehend, of course. Why is it like this? Is this pathetic or normal? I did not drink today and had no real true urge to drink. Just thoughts. They bother me. Really beautiful evening and a wonderful walk with my family in the neighborhood. Why do I never make art anymore? Must make that more of a priority. Peace to all.