Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.

Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 206: Hello Out There

We moved to a new state and there has been a lot going on, including a long delay in obtaining new internet.  I am so glad to be sitting here writing because this blog means a lot to me and I know I need to make it a priority to write more frequently.  It is rejuvenating to process the thoughts and emotions and other "muck" :).

So, yes, I am still currently sober and it is still really great.  I have struggled here and there with wanting to drink.   A couple of moments have been tough, but for the most part things have been manageable.  I never regret not drinking and the urges always, always fade.  I know I would instantly regret drinking if I did, so as of now, I continue along this route.  It has been working for me!

Stress and sadness make me want to drink.  Big shocker, right?  Getting overwhelmed with what I am responsible for, what I have yet to do, overwhelmed with grief, feeling lonesome/alone, anger, when I let myself down, when I let my husband or my son down, etc.  It all feels awful, so I still feel my go-to coping mechanism kick in, like hey! You know what would push these crappy feelings away?  Booze!  Sometimes it's even just simply walking past a bar in town (of which there are thankfully very few) and seeing a sign advertising special for my old favorite beer (Yuengling) for some random weeknight.  I have a little longing like, gee, that sounds nice.  And I think, well that isn't practical and it isn't realistic.  Because of course: it is never just one.  I continue to recognize this.  I have forced those words into the forefront of my heart and mind in this journey.  There is no just one for me.  Either I never learned how to have just one or I never had the just-one gene to begin with- either way, same result.  So when I get to feeling down and drinkish, I think a few steps ahead.  I first think of myself drinking and enjoying it.  Then I think of myself drinking more and starting to not enjoy it.  Then I think of myself drinking the way I used to, and that is just too depressing to think about anymore.  That usually does the trick.

My son is starting to wake up so I have to cut this short.  Sending much love always to every single person out there struggling no matter what your issue.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 93: Keep Going

Some tough stuff today. Did not think of coping with booze. I just want to keep going. Sending much support to all who are in the midst of coming to terms with their personal substance struggles. Let us all keep going. Much love to you.

Day 87: Yin and Yang

I have a craving....not for booze.  To attend a meeting.  I guess I'm getting close to 90 days and I just feel like sitting in a room with some assorted folks on Day 1 or Day 1001 and exist together in this thing called sobriety.  I'm not having a desire to drink, not feeling "weak".  It's funny about feeling weak vs. strong, by the way.  They absolutely go hand-in-hand.  One cannot exist without the other.  I haven't been feeling particularly weak or strong- just...normal.  Like not drinking is not as much of a "thing" anymore.  Some moments I am more mindful and feel empowered, or strong.  Some moments I yearn and feel weak.  The magic of new normal has been life-changing and ordinary all at once.  An extremely positive life choice moving forward and a return to the state of being I had prior to beginning my habits.  Thinking deeply with much love and support to all in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Day 79: Tiny Strength Mountain

So...tonight I begin a summer class which is a taking prerequisite for applying to nursing school.  Very excited about this.  Nervous because I know it is going to be a huge challenge with my tiny man, but you know what?  I was able to make it through when my dad was sick, so I know I can do this.  I don't normally say things like that- usually my self-confidence is a little lacking.  But going through everything with my dad, handling every single medical, financial, legal, logistical, and of course emotional issue on my own (with support from loved ones of course, but still, it was my responsibility to do things- which I was absolutely willing to do of course), that entire sequence of events altered me forever.  I have a pit of loss within me, but I also have a little mountain of strength.  This absolutely can relate to how I feel with having stopped drinking (of course, not as intense, but still).  It has given me confidence.  I am still shaky at times...but I am DOING it. Each day adds a tiny bit to my strength mountain.  So I know that if I can get through that other stuff, I can get through classes and hopefully get into nursing school, and then hopefully-hopefully, become a dedicated, competent, compassionate nurse.  That is a true goal of mine.  I haven't have many goals in my life, so this is very important to me.  Much love always.

Day 72: The Ghost of Drinking Future

A tough few days....and yet I survived them all, and survived them without a drop of booze.  Don't get me wrong- I had some urges.  They felt like knee-jerk reactions when things got particularly difficult, and though I recognized them for what they were, it didn't change the fact that they were indeed there.  I would think, this is horrible, wouldn't it be so helpful to mellow things a little?  Take a bit of the edge off.  Take some pain away.  Dull some bad memories.  Then soon after I think, ah but it would certainly not be mellowing..it would be consuming.  It would not do anything except make things worse.  Because of course IT WOULD NEVER BE JUST ONE!  Nope.  Not for me.  I see this very clearly.  I can see into the future...like the Ghost of Drinking Future.  I can see the pattern forming again very quickly, eerily quickly.  I shudder and know all too well that I cannot moderate, and really, at this point, I don't even want to or see any reason to.  Here it is Tuesday and I am able to look back thinking, well shoot, I did it.  I didn't drink through a weekend I knew would be tough, and that was tough.  So glad for this.

Randomish

Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.

Tough

Bereavement class this evening.  I always get there just a bit prior so I can go to my dad's grave.  It was very difficult tonight.  On the way there I thought about coping with alcohol.  I felt like what did it matter.  Things would be low whether I did it or not, so why not do it.  Or why do it.  It's all kind of futile.  I know that's a pretty bleak thought.  It's just how how I felt.  I actually felt a little like drinking but not too extreme.  Then it passed.  Then I went to the class.  This class is attended by a large number of older folks, all women except for one man.  Almost everyone has lost their spouse.  It is insane thinking about losing my husband.  My grief is different for my dad.  There is a lot of pain in just simply losing him, but I am also haunted by the end and that part is overwhelmingly tough to deal with sometimes.  Anyway, I suspect many of these women do not drink.  Some of them do.  Some of them might drink more than I realize.  Who knows.  But if there are women who don't drink, I thought about how they just exist with the pain.  They just live each day alone.  It seems like a toughness in a way, like drinking is pointless.  So in a way, it helped me.  It's easier to drink.  I didn't today.  I guess I'm a little tough.

Signs of Strength

Well, the meeting was not an all-women meeting....bummer.  The AA schedule needs to be updated online.  Another non-love connection, but truly respected all who shared tonight.  I am going to find that women's meeting!  Something in the meetings has me wanting to continue.  Not sure about AA yet...but there is something there.  The sharing is just searingly real.  I really respond to the vulnerability.  Just looking for that particular connection.  On the way home I was in a pretty good mood and looking forward to seeing my husband.  Then I drove past the exit where my dad is buried and I just exploded with tears, sobbing on the beltway.  The pain absolutely took over.  Everything came crashing over me without warning.  Drove the rest of the way and even as upset as I felt, I also realized I had no desire to drink.  Not a shred of desire.  A couple of weeks ago, I would absolutely have stopped by the liquor store to get something to cope, or to get something for a happy Sunday night with my husband (to match whichever feeling- celebrate, time together!...or..cope, the grief is just awful and unbearable).  Anyway, got home, talked at length with my husband about the experience, cried a bit more, just basically let it out.  He was completely supportive and awesome. God I love him so much. We ate dinner and watched Chopped and then snuggled with our dog on the couch.  Now time for sleep.  I am exhausted but feeling a ray of strength as well.  Tomorrow will be my 29th day.  Almost to 30.  How cool is that?