Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.