Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Breezy...?

Feeling a little weird today. Need to get this out. Tomorrow will be my 30th day. I am very happy for that. It makes me a little nervous because I have zero desire to drink and it feels like things haven't really been too terribly tough so far, besides that one Saturday earlier on. I don't want to take any element at all of my sobriety for granted. I am wondering if I am being too breezy about my not drinking. It's confusing...I don't want to be light about it and risk feeling like I can drink down the line (because I do not want to), but I also want to be gentle on myself and not take everything so SERIOUSLY. I want joy and brevity in life. I guess this is common- I mean, who wants to be miserable, sober or otherwise?? I have found myself thinking that it's really early and I should not get complacent. I do not want to have that first drink. I see clearly that it leads to more. Relapse is really a frightening concept. I think I need to attend another meeting and open up more to others. That will help me feel more connected and keep strengthening my sobriety. It feels wonderful writing about it, but it must also feel wonderful speaking about it. I will find that women's meeting!

As an aside, I want to be a good, strong, clear, bright, wise example for my son. I would like to do everything I can to support myself in not drinking and translate that to being a better person, mother, wife, daughter, friend.

Also, today is really hard because it is this day one year ago that my Dad began his true decline. I do not wish to write about that. It is so painful to recall. I miss him beyond words. Sending support to all those with poor health, those in bereavement, those getting sober, and those maintaining sobriety.