Day 103: Problem Drinker

I just finished reading Sober is the New Black, by Rachel Black.  Really great book!!  It's a quick read- left me wanting more.  Relate so much to the author's language and experiences with boozing/quitting booze.  Very cool woman, insightful, honest.  I loved it and highly recommend to those searching for a positive recovery book that isn't all about the "before"- there is some description here and there of "Then" and "Now", but it is largely a book documenting the first year of this gal's sobriety.  I'm not into the books that revolve around the debauchery of drinking- I want to read about the recovery experience.

While reading, I of course thought about my own habits and experiences.  I remembered other situations in which the event I was a part of revolved around alcohol (whether in my head only or for all involved).  It really makes me sad to think back to so many years of being consumed by wanting to catch a buzz (of some sort).  How did I get like that?  I never could stop.  Never learned how to stop.  Never cared to learn how to say "that's enough for me" or "no thanks".

There is a point in the book that the author talks about considering having a drink ("What's the big deal?") and then thinks about it further and understands that she will never be able to moderate.  That she had tried moderating for years and was unsuccessful, and in fact, got worse.  Why would she be able to take periods off, be able to take it or leave it, after having that one drink?  She would not be able to.  I am exactly the same way.  If I drank now, I see that it would lead to more drinking.  I wouldn't be able to have a drink at dinner tonight, then a drink in a month or 2, then a drink at the holidays, etc.  Why on earth would I think otherwise?  If I have one, I have instantly given myself permission to do it again.  I would be a drinker again.  It wouldn't be casual, even if I managed to convince myself it was.  Even if I literally did follow that "schedule" of a drink now, and then one again in weeks or months' time.  I would be miserable.  I would anxiously await the time I could drink again.  The time between would get shorter and shorter, and I would get more down on myself especially if I was failing at personal "goals", and then I would decide to drown the ole sorrows.  I can see it and it sucks.  I do not want to be that person anymore.

Not sure if this means I am coming closer to admitting I am an alcoholic.  I feel like saying, well what the heck else could I be??  I can't have "just one", I've had to abstain entirely, I blog about my experience GETTING SOBER, I have been to AA....what else is it going to take to admit it??

I think I hold back because I am a mother now.  It's weird logic, I know.  Before I had my son, if I would have gone into this phase of life (sober phase), I think I would be a lot more comfortable saying that I am an alcoholic, using that label, etc.  It affected only me.  But now I have my beautiful little dude, and being his mother, I feel like it makes me sound like less of a mother- maybe not less, but not as "good" of a mother.  It tarnishes it.  I know that's horrible to say, particularly because there are so many awesome moms out there who are self-proclaimed alcoholics or recovered alcoholics or what have you.  It's like you stop drinking and you immediately have a label forever...ALCOHOLIC!  ALCOHOLIC!  It's depressing, no?  I don't want to be 30 years sober and still call myself an alcoholic.  It seems so sad.  It's like, I was an alcoholic when I was drinking!  Now I am NOT one, because I have stopped!  Sigh.  Who knows.  I feel I am content with the label "problem drinker".  Maybe it's a cop out.  I feel like it's admitting I had/have a problem and can't drink like a "normal" person, but still doesn't carry the weight that "alcoholic" does.

Anyhoo- hope all are well :). Much love.

Day 97: Brief Escape

Big old day- soldiered through and had an urge that faded quickly.  I stripped it bare, seeing it for what it was- a blatant mental cry for brief escape.  I get into trouble when I think "who cares, I should be able to escape, this is hard to deal with..."  As always, we all know that a brief escape (aka: a glass of wine or a beer, aka: the elusive one drink) doesn't exist for me.  Today's slippery urge never grew into anything very strong and only lasted for, at most, a couple of minutes.  Sometimes when it happens, I just let myself indulge in it, because inevitably I always lead myself back to "not a good idea..." and quickly following that is no longer desiring it.  I like that very much.  Hope all are well out there.

Day 94: The Slippery Eel

Wow. Just seeing the number 94 typed out is enough to put a smile on my face.  I had a big craving today, in the middle of the afternoon.  Stressing and upset about dad stuff, a difficult thing my mom is dealing with, other things, and then bam!  The urge slid in my thoughts like a slippery little eel.  It sucked.  Part of me wanted a drink at that time, to dull the pain/escape the tough stuff.  The more rational part of me didn't want it at that moment because it was the middle of the day (hasn't stopped me in the past, pre-baby) and I am a responsible mother looking after an infant, so it didn't appeal to me then.  What was hard was that I wanted it :"in the future".  I whined about it a little in my head.  Really?  No drinking?  Surely I will drink at some point down the line and I'll be fine.  I'll be fine!  I can take this time to heart and be mindful about my habits and see my patterns, and then down the line, I can moderate.  I can drink like a "normal person" (what is normal?...why is drinking normal?).  All of that and more slithered around my head.  Then I got distracted with stuff I needed to do, and what do you know?  It faded and I completely forgot about it.  Then later I remembered and shared it with my husband, and I realized it had returned a bit, but not in too major of a way, and the more I talked about it, the more I saw that it was ridiculous.  I can't do the one drink thing!  When am I going to get that!  I have that mystical one drink down the road, and I know it is my dark key.  The key that will unlock the booze door.  Booze is officially my slippery eel.  I love not drinking.  Really and truly.  I can deal with little urges here and there.  I just need to keep my supports in place, not give up on myself, and enjoy life, because it really is so much better now.  Much love to you always.

Day 81: Chugging Along

The moderation fallacy is so real for me...I still find it odd to not have a desire to drink currently, but a strange future desire, hanging in the distance, the "dream" of drinking here and there, casually, a holiday, who knows.  All I need to do to gain insight into this is to see two steps ahead of that and see the inevitable spiral.  I do NOT want to go back to the alcohol "treadmill" (as I believe Mrs. D called it).  Having the one here and there sounds so normal.  It's like the whole world does that....except that is so not true.  There are many parts to this world- some of them are filled with "just the one" drinkers, some are heavy drinkers, some are non-drinkers.  There really is no normal.  I do not need to drink to relax or celebrate or commiserate.  It's just simply not necessary.  Not only that, I know it will lead to unlocking the boozier side of me and I'd go back to drinking more than I want to.  I am getting there.  Sending much love to all.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Moderation: Brain..cannot...compute

Okay, so I have a true 30 days under my belt :).  It's great.  This morning I wondered aloud in the kitchen (to nobody) "am I really never going to drink again?", but it wasn't a sad or wistful wondering, it was a happy wondering, with an air of relief.  Also an air of hope, as in, I hope I can do this.  I think about my son and I just continue to believe that not drinking is a powerful choice as a parent and role model.  I am hoping it will just become no big deal.  It seems less like a big deal even now, after only 30 days.  That is so encouraging!

For me, one just leads to another, to another, or at least it leads to *wanting* more, which is almost as depressing.  I am not interested in moderation- been there, done that, didn't work.  Here are some ways I tried moderating (all common and familiar to people, I'm sure):

- Drinking only after my son was asleep..........I was always uncomfortable drinking in his presence,  but drinking after he was asleep was weird, too (not that it stopped me either way).  When he inevitably woke up and I tended to him, I felt strange, as though I was lying to him because I wasn't fully "myself".  Was never drunk in his presence, but this was absolutely not a nice feeling.  Plus, who's to say that I wouldn't one day drink too much around him and be inebriated?  This makes me shudder.  It could happen.

- Drinking only on the weekends..............This didn't really work.  It would stick for a week or two, then I would drink on Sunday evening, then maybe Tuesday, etc., then it was back to during the week for me! :(

- Drinking only "(insert type of alcohol)".................This one is so funny.  Really, I'm a beer girl at heart.  I began drinking wine because it somehow seemed less "unseemly" after I had our son.  Wine is so romanticized and glamorized.  So I thought, wine, yeah, I'll just have a glass...then of course, one became two.  So I would switch to beer another session.  Only one beer tonight.  Then another because, hey, it's only two.  By the end of the second, it's like whatever, anything goes.  Also tried drinking mixed drinks every now and again.  That never worked for me, just not my "thing".  So it was back to my trusty "friends".

- Drinking "mindfully"..............This one is funny, too.  I would have a glass of wine (or a beer) and try to enjoy each sip.  Put it down between sips.  Just relax with it.  And it was great...but at the end I would realize two things: 1) I'd spent the entire time thinking about the alcohol (depressing), and 2) I still wanted more!  Yikes.

Yeah, not a fun way to live.  My brain malfunctions when I try to moderate.  It doesn't get it.  It just wants more.  Even when I don't actually consume more, it's still almost always wanting more.  It's like inching my way through hell. So, simply not drinking at all makes the most sense for me.