Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.

Day 208: Feeling Kinda Groovy

When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life.  I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable.  In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.

It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :).  It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment.  Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help.  I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.

I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking.  It used to be all about the booze.  It really did.  It's Friday!  Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever!  Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday!  I deserved it- what a long week!  Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc.  It was truly all about the alcohol.  Yikes.  That is so sad!

Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband.  It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y.  I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc.  All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.

A few notes on why I love not drinking:

- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"

I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic.  I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself.  I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur.  It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well.  But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic.  That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself.  So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic.  And it's fine.  Because I am doing something about it.

Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3

Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 123: 4 Months Sober!

Wow, four months sober! Very cool.  I love that my sober day is 3/21 and I have 123 days today...just a funky coincidence but I find a little comfort in it.  Four months doesn't really seem like very long to me honestly, but when I think about how far I've come and how fast the time has been flying lately, it really is an accomplishment.

One of the biggest things I've noticed is that I am a lot less angry.  I used to be a little unpredictably explosive.  These outbursts were sort of like tantrums and I was ashamed of them but they just continued to occur.  There is nothing wrong with anger- it's healthy, of course.  I just felt like the things I'd get mad at were so useless and trivial.  I have seen a therapist a few times and she suggested perhaps these were things that were "safe" to let my anger out at.  I liked that explanation a lot...but it didn't stop them from cropping up.

The thing is, they hardly ever happen anymore!  Could be due to not drinking, could be due to continuing along through bereavement, could be both, who the heck knows- I like myself more now, though.

Just thought I'd share.  Still very busy with class and my tiny guy.  I value and appreciate the support I've received thus far on my journey.  Thank you so much.  Hope all are well and much love to you.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 101: Beautiful Years Ahead

And just like that, I am into my 100's...feeling extremely good about this!  I absolutely do NOT want to become complacent- I want to continue not drinking, and continue enjoying not drinking.  It is so amazing to not be drinking my life away!  I am so sad to realize how long I've been living under a veil of substances.  20 years!  Wow.  Time for the next 20 years to be about ME, my family, my passions in life- not about stinky old booze, and the bummer etceteras that go along with it.  I want to make these years count.  I do not need alcohol in my life anymore!!!  Must keep that close to my heart!  Much love to all.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad

It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days.  I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol!  I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking!  It is so nice not going to the liquor store.  So nice being clear and aware in my class.  So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy.  I love that more than anything.  I want him to grow up in a substance-less home.  No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way.  Have that be his normal.  It is normal for so many individuals, why not him?  Why not me?  Getting there.  Much love.

Day 86: What If

What if.... I get too complacent in my sobriety and decide I can have a drink down the line?

What if.... I consume something with alcohol in it *accidentally*, like a food or a medicine, and that leads me down the booze path?

What if..... I let everyone I love down by resuming drinking and taking it farther than I even thought possible?

What if...... something unthinkable happens and I turn to drinking "for comfort"?

What if..... I can't do this?


I have to have faith in the same answer to all of these questions: All I have to do is be mindful, be confident in this positive life choice, and most of all, be sober.  That's it.  I'm getting there.  Much love.

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Day 78: Huge Beauty

Went to the park this evening with my guys. I love going there. Tons of folks just doing their thing...walking, jogging, playing with their kids, walking their dogs, playing softball.. It feels so good being around that positive activity. I'm doing more now that I'm not drinking. I like life more. I thought I was happy drinking but I am happier now. This is something I need to remember. The drinking is really only fun for a small percentage of the time..the rest of the time is a drag. For me, dealing with the small bummers of not drinking are worth it to enjoy the huge beauty of being sober. I am getting it.

Warning: Weird Self-Grading Post Within

Good Sunday morning to all :). Had a nice discussion about drinking/not-drinking with my hubby in relation to time spent unhappy vs. peacefully.  I told him that sometimes it's been tough not drinking, but for the most part, it's really great and worth it not to be drinking by far. I really don't even think about drinking that much anymore.  It's been (I hesitate to say this but it's the truth) *relatively* easy to stop.  This is maybe because I was really ready to stop...?  I hope this doesn't sound overly confident.  I am still in what I consider to be very early days.  But I can only comment on my own experience, and it really just has, for the most part, been really awesome.  I would say stopping drinking has been..oh..maybe 94% awesome.  That's pretty good!  That's an A!  The times of urges or things of that nature are small and completely surmountable.  In contrast, while being a drink hound, there was more of a percentage of time unhappy (I believe), between regret, shame, fear, etc.  Hmm..maybe an average of 68% awesome.  That is unacceptable!  Is that a D?  Yikes.  So if I think about it from this perspective, perhaps when I am having an urge, I think well it really won't make me happier.  Just the opposite.  This sounds like BS but it's truly for real.

Hi Diddly Ho!

So....I feel like my blog talks about a lot of downer stuff- I mean, the topics of death and drinking- not exactly encompassing the super-goodtimes-happy zone!  These are aspects of life (not just mine) and completely relevant to be working through, and the anonymity of this blog has helped me to be open about how I feel.  That said, today is really a good, smooth day, and I just wanted to share that.  Yay!  No soul-crushing grief or strange cravings to drink!  Not much obsession or rumination on either topic, to be honest.  Really, it's been so good.  Lots of time hanging with my son- he is the best.  I am so thankful to be able to be with him.  Also, my relationship with my husband is just, well, it kicks ass.  I am so lucky.  You know, if I would have continued drinking, going along as I had been, who knows what the future might have brought?  My drinking may have (almost definitely would have) gotten worse/increasingly dysfunctional/more of an issue....who knows where it would've led us all?  My son is still only under a year old, and I hear about some moms who hang out in play groups and drink wine or something.  It is so accepted!  I'm sure I would have gotten into that at some point.  That is bothersome.  Plus, you know me, it wouldn't have stopped with the wine at play time.  More drinking in the evening!  Errrg!  I don't like imagining darker times, but it's good to every now and again.  Is this becoming a downer post again? Drats!  Let me end with my extremely honest gratitude for not being a drinker anymore.  No real cravings to speak of, no end in sight (in a good way).  It's just really cool.  I love no longer being a boozy mom/wife/woman/human.  It is awesome!! :) <3

Authentic Voice

Been super distracted with fantasies of moving and also had some rough patches in the day, but as they occured I had no desire or urge to drink. I didn't think of it at all until some point when I had a random thought that drinking does not help in any real way. It's funny how used to drinking I had gotten, because before it would be a no brainer- have a drink to soothe the ole problems.  Instead, I cried a little, breathed, talked with my husband, tended to my tiny man, hung out with my little dog, took a beautiful walk at the park with everyone, and things just got better. Sometimes I have weirdo thoughts and talking them out with my husband gives me perspective and I see how cuckoo they really are..or see the validity in them..or both. I am finding a more honest and open voice when it comes to communicating, at least with my husband. We have always been a couple that clicks and just gets each other (grateful every day for that), but I feel like I've been a little more upfront with him lately, and that I've been able to explain how I think or feel in more effective ways. It is so awesome. I wonder if it has to do with not drinking? Much love to all.