Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Day 148: Tiny Cracks

I am a little ashamed of letting my writing slip so long.  It has been and continues to be such a meaningful tool for helping me to continue maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we've had a lot going on- my son turned 1 and we had a family party for him; I completed my summer class and got an A (big accomplishment for me- a lot of hard work).  Very recently, we have also begun planning a big move across the country, and this I believe has been leading me down a little bit of a rabbit hole.  I have felt my grip slipping a bit.  It's not been unmanageable, but little urge-y cracks have been forming quicker than I am able to spackle them up.  I am really scared about the move.  Scared about adjusting to a new life.  It will hopefully be a big step up for our family and we are really excited about it, but what a change it will be.  I feel myself beginning to think I can handle a drink here and there in a new place, knowing I can't, but feeling it nonetheless.  I very rarely think about drinking at all here- if I do, it's just in a remembering way, definitely not in a longing way.  I guess I'm having a bit of a tough time.  The emotional aspect of telling family we are moving halfway across the company is probably what has me down right now.  I think I am going to try and open up a bit more on here.  I do not want to drink and I do not want to be a boozy mom, or a coper-with-booze, or a boozy anything, except a non-boozer.  Think I'll try to write more later.  Sorry for a downer post, other things are really good here.  Hope all is well and much love to you always.

Day 97: Brief Escape

Big old day- soldiered through and had an urge that faded quickly.  I stripped it bare, seeing it for what it was- a blatant mental cry for brief escape.  I get into trouble when I think "who cares, I should be able to escape, this is hard to deal with..."  As always, we all know that a brief escape (aka: a glass of wine or a beer, aka: the elusive one drink) doesn't exist for me.  Today's slippery urge never grew into anything very strong and only lasted for, at most, a couple of minutes.  Sometimes when it happens, I just let myself indulge in it, because inevitably I always lead myself back to "not a good idea..." and quickly following that is no longer desiring it.  I like that very much.  Hope all are well out there.

Day 94: The Slippery Eel

Wow. Just seeing the number 94 typed out is enough to put a smile on my face.  I had a big craving today, in the middle of the afternoon.  Stressing and upset about dad stuff, a difficult thing my mom is dealing with, other things, and then bam!  The urge slid in my thoughts like a slippery little eel.  It sucked.  Part of me wanted a drink at that time, to dull the pain/escape the tough stuff.  The more rational part of me didn't want it at that moment because it was the middle of the day (hasn't stopped me in the past, pre-baby) and I am a responsible mother looking after an infant, so it didn't appeal to me then.  What was hard was that I wanted it :"in the future".  I whined about it a little in my head.  Really?  No drinking?  Surely I will drink at some point down the line and I'll be fine.  I'll be fine!  I can take this time to heart and be mindful about my habits and see my patterns, and then down the line, I can moderate.  I can drink like a "normal person" (what is normal?...why is drinking normal?).  All of that and more slithered around my head.  Then I got distracted with stuff I needed to do, and what do you know?  It faded and I completely forgot about it.  Then later I remembered and shared it with my husband, and I realized it had returned a bit, but not in too major of a way, and the more I talked about it, the more I saw that it was ridiculous.  I can't do the one drink thing!  When am I going to get that!  I have that mystical one drink down the road, and I know it is my dark key.  The key that will unlock the booze door.  Booze is officially my slippery eel.  I love not drinking.  Really and truly.  I can deal with little urges here and there.  I just need to keep my supports in place, not give up on myself, and enjoy life, because it really is so much better now.  Much love to you always.

Future Cravings?

Sorry for the bummer post yesterday. It's important for me to post every day, even when I don't have much to say.  The many ebbs and flows of my moods.  Yikes.  Things are better today.  Watched a gray cat slink around my front yard this morning- he was so sweet and I felt like that was a good sign for the day.  I was coming home from a doctor's appointment earlier and had a vision of me drinking in the future, the mystical "one drink".  I had a yearning for it, but it's so funny because I have no desire to drink currently.  How can I have a future craving when I don't have a present one?  Weird.  Anyway, as UnTipsy Teacher says, I just find comfort in "not today".  Because I really have no desire today.  It's Friday and it isn't phasing me at all.  No biggie.  I just look forward to a great evening with my tiny man and my main man and my little lady (the dog).  I want to extend a Happy Friday to all and much support always from this corner of the world. :) <3

Mental Note: I Don't Drink Anymore!

It's morning- another day behind me of not drinking and another day ahead of me not drinking. It is completely fine. At this point I don't even think about it like it's a big old day ahead of me.  I don't really think about it at all.  I just don't drink.  I am thinking about alcohol a lot less- awesome!

Today is Wednesday. It's not even a weekend day and in times past I would have absolutely allowed myself to have a couple of drinks on a Wednesday evening. Today I have no inclination to do that. Even with bereavement class tonight, it is just so awesome for my new normal to be not drinking as opposed to drinking. I cannot say enough about that. It feels so good.

Lately my husband and I have been getting really down about the area we live in.  Slowly but surely it's been chipping away at both of us.  There is a lot of good around the city, but so much hostility and sadness too.  We dream of moving and last night I found myself thinking of a new area and wanting to drink in the new area (for some reason).  It just popped into my brain and I thought, "Hmm, the new area may have a wine culture surrounding it..that would be fun...going to wineries.."  It was weird, it's like I forgot I don't drink anymore.  When I "remembered", I had sort of a woe is me moment, like, "Gee, that's a drag..why can't I have a drink in a new area?  What a bummer not to be able to go to wineries.  They are so fun and beautiful...not being able to have a drink sounds like such a shame.."

Then I remembered my full story: There is no "a drink"!  It's an illusion!  And I began to let that sink in more and realized how cool it would be continuing to NOT drink.  Much cooler than initially enjoying a drink or two, then it spiraling into what it used to be, which I am sure it would.  That would really be so much more invigorating, a better way to maintain and enhance my self-respect, and a better way to keep existing.  Who needs wine to enjoy a beautiful setting?  It is completely meaningless and for me, only leads to darkness instead of light.  To maintain not drinking seems more and more appealing the longer it is a reality for me.  The tide is shifting on that, because before, it felt like drinking "at some point" was more appealing.  I am feeling very glad that these cravings or momentary lapses of memory are pretty infrequent and absolutely not strong at all. I am still adjusting.  Who needs to live in a boozy culture, anyway!  Our culture is already boozy enough without living in a town that prides itself on its wineries or breweries or what have you.  Wishing all well who may be reading this, whatever your struggle may be.

Tough

Bereavement class this evening.  I always get there just a bit prior so I can go to my dad's grave.  It was very difficult tonight.  On the way there I thought about coping with alcohol.  I felt like what did it matter.  Things would be low whether I did it or not, so why not do it.  Or why do it.  It's all kind of futile.  I know that's a pretty bleak thought.  It's just how how I felt.  I actually felt a little like drinking but not too extreme.  Then it passed.  Then I went to the class.  This class is attended by a large number of older folks, all women except for one man.  Almost everyone has lost their spouse.  It is insane thinking about losing my husband.  My grief is different for my dad.  There is a lot of pain in just simply losing him, but I am also haunted by the end and that part is overwhelmingly tough to deal with sometimes.  Anyway, I suspect many of these women do not drink.  Some of them do.  Some of them might drink more than I realize.  Who knows.  But if there are women who don't drink, I thought about how they just exist with the pain.  They just live each day alone.  It seems like a toughness in a way, like drinking is pointless.  So in a way, it helped me.  It's easier to drink.  I didn't today.  I guess I'm a little tough.

I Remain

Exhausted from a big day today.  Struggled with some pretty heavy feelings of regret and grief about my dad.  It is extremely difficult to grasp the reality that he is gone forever.  It is still so unbelievable.  The enormous future without him is so unfortunate and heartbreaking.  The loss of him is never going to change and never going to leave me.

I did have some thoughts about drinking, but I will say that they were managed well.  I found myself wanting to disappear into drinking, and then found myself seeing that it would really just make things worse.  It would blur/numb things for awhile, which was (and is) appealing, but then I would probably start feeling worse, then feel bad in the morning, with the loss still there.  The cravings were not anything overpowering.  I really appreciate that because it makes me feel like maybe they are not changing, but I am the one changing.  They are probably just the same as always, but I am becoming more equipped to ride them out.  They always disappear.  They come, they go, and I remain.

Something that helped later in the day was having a really open, honest conversation with my husband about a bunch of things that have been on my mind, mostly about my dad.  I am so lucky to have him- he is my best friend and truly my soulmate.  We went for a walk at the park this evening with our little guy and it was absolutely beautiful out.  It was so soothing.  I still have some really deep sadness right now, but it really helped spending time with my family.  It is a great feeling living each day clearly.  I have not had this in a long time.

Weirdo Craving

Hello to all who might be reading this today.  Had a weird craving last night....not for booze..for a cigarette..??  I was about to leave for my bereavement class (which was awesome- super intense, but good) and I guess I was just thinking of my dad and then what do you know, a random urge to smoke a cigarette popped into the old brain.  It thankfully only lingered for a few minutes.  It's a lot easier to not smoke when I am not drinking!!  When I would drink, I'd sometimes get an urge to smoke, and that was pretty much that- I was done for- whether I smoked that evening or not, I knew it would happen soon.  It always did.  Like some smoky switch got flipped- usually when I was several drinks in and perhaps semi-sad/depressed.  I do not miss that at all.  Things are good this morning. Wishing you well. <3