When I was younger, I sort of coasted along in a passive way through my life. I had no real goals, no dreams, no real structure, nothing keeping me accountable. In looking back, I see how easily I slipped into doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It was a long pattern and I get that it will continue to take time to create a new pattern.
It means a lot to me having some structure and focus to my life- I think it helps me get a grip on things and feel like I have some semblance of control. I am not much of a "Type A" person, but I think embracing more "A" is making me be a stronger "B" :). It's important to have priorities so that I can keep my moments a little more organized, feel a little more calm about stuff, and strive for accomplishment. Writing on here was a huge priority for my first 100ish days and was definitely a big help. I missed it when I let it slip, and I want to keep it up because I find it so meaningful.
I love how I feel about Friday now that I'm not drinking. It used to be all about the booze. It really did. It's Friday! Can't wait until the evening when it's "okay" to open a bottle of whatever! Maybe even open it a little sooner- be a little "naughty"- hey, it's Friday! I deserved it- what a long week! Then drink more than I wanted, wake up feeling crummy, have a bad start to the weekend, maybe think I ought to not drink that evening, go about my day and eventually decide to do the exact same thing Saturday evening (of course), etc. It was truly all about the alcohol. Yikes. That is so sad!
Now it is all about the end of the week, being with my family this weekend, thinking about fun things to do in this beautiful fall weather, going for our walks, being present with myself and and son and husband. It's not perfect- I get irritated, gloomy, grief-y. I get frustrated, overwhelmed, pissy, etc. All of this happens and I just do my best, and I am so glad and honest when I say that I rarely think about alcohol anymore.
A few notes on why I love not drinking:
- I love being 100% sober and safe for my son
- I love that alcohol is no longer a main priority of my life (at times it was *the* priority..sad)
- I love how I feel not drinking; not that I'm perfect now or never get upset anymore, but I love not being at all bogged down by alcohol in any way, whether mentally obsessing over it, anxiously trying not to drink too much, consuming too much and feeling low, recovering from too much, etc.
- I love knowing I can get up at anytime in the night if my son were sick or an emergency occurred and could drive completely sober
- I love not spending money on alcohol and allowing myself to spend on other things that give me a little boost or truly make me happy
- I love demonstrating a sober life to my son and having him not grow up around a culture of alcohol
- I love being wayyy more active since I am not on the couch drinking
- I love having increased self-respect
- I love accomplishing each day without having drank anything and I don't even really think about it
- I love feeling like I am honoring my life more, living more authentically
- I love not thinking or saying "I need a drink"
I am still wrapping my mind around being an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and I know that now and I just need to remind myself. I think it will help me with the cravings, which are few but still occur. It's weird to consider myself an alcoholic because of the images it conjures- I know Mrs. D wrote about that and probably many others have as well. But I had a very dysfunctional way of drinking and for that I feel I am an alcoholic. That is me personally and I am not pushing that on anyone else because only you know yourself. So as a reminder to me: I am an alcoholic. And it's fine. Because I am doing something about it.
Well, much love as always and happy weekend :)<3
Showing posts with label Goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Goals. Show all posts
Friday, October 14, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!
Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester). I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades. I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.
Some assorted things of note:
It is still so awesome to not be drinking. I love it, I really do. I can't believe I drank for so long. It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate. I hate that. If only I'd have stopped a long time ago. It's cool- I wasn't ready. I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion. I have deep shudders in my soul about that.
My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live. We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so. We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family. We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise. We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all. The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us. Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life. Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.
My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.." I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was. When did wine become a necessary part of life???? The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary. It is a lie! A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same. It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there. When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that. I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself. Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that. I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.
Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it! Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!! This is still new for me! Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.
Love being in this class while not drinking. It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober! That is an exhilarating thought! That is several years away. A good goal!
I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks. That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever! What a sad and unpredictable way to live! Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.
Still have a ton of grief. Still cry myself to sleep many nights. It is so sad. I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now. I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though. I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though. I am giving it time. I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all. I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad. Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on. I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief. My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting. I really wish I could share it with him.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.
Some assorted things of note:
It is still so awesome to not be drinking. I love it, I really do. I can't believe I drank for so long. It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate. I hate that. If only I'd have stopped a long time ago. It's cool- I wasn't ready. I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion. I have deep shudders in my soul about that.
My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live. We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so. We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family. We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise. We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all. The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us. Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life. Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.
My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.." I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was. When did wine become a necessary part of life???? The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary. It is a lie! A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same. It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there. When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that. I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself. Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that. I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.
Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it! Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!! This is still new for me! Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.
Love being in this class while not drinking. It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober! That is an exhilarating thought! That is several years away. A good goal!
I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks. That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever! What a sad and unpredictable way to live! Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.
Still have a ton of grief. Still cry myself to sleep many nights. It is so sad. I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now. I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though. I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though. I am giving it time. I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all. I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad. Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on. I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief. My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting. I really wish I could share it with him.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Day 104: My Life is My Own
What is my life now, without alcohol?
My life is my own.
I have goals now. I have never had goals before. I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life. I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober. I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse. There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior. No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink. No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole. I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves. I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths. I see compassion. I see love. I see my father.
I have self-respect. I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace. It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother. I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them. I believe in myself more. My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself. I like that I am able to depend on myself more now. I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there. I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle. I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.
In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more. I need to listen more. I need to listen to others, to myself, to God. The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard. Much love always.
My life is my own.
I have goals now. I have never had goals before. I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life. I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober. I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse. There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior. No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink. No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole. I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves. I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths. I see compassion. I see love. I see my father.
I have self-respect. I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace. It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother. I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them. I believe in myself more. My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself. I like that I am able to depend on myself more now. I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there. I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle. I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.
In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more. I need to listen more. I need to listen to others, to myself, to God. The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard. Much love always.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Day 100: YAY!!! :)
I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable. At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100? It seems sooooooo far away. It has been tough at some points. This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better. I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me. It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness). I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.
I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me. Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along. Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting. It has helped to have support of my husband. It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings. It has helped to blog. I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice. The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world! Now I love them. I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.
As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats! It's really just not drinking. I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me. I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.
I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking. I have more self-respect now. If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol. If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol. If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol. I am truly inhabiting my own life again. I am going to keep going. Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.
I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me. Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along. Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting. It has helped to have support of my husband. It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings. It has helped to blog. I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice. The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world! Now I love them. I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.
As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats! It's really just not drinking. I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me. I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.
I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking. I have more self-respect now. If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol. If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol. If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol. I am truly inhabiting my own life again. I am going to keep going. Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Day 98: The Sober Unicycle
I am caught up in so much classwork and it's been a challenge because we have found our spare time limited throughout most of June for various reasons. Regardless, I am very happy to find myself at Day 98. I am thankful for so much of these past days and as I look closer and closer at my approaching Day 100, I feel so good to have come this far. It has helped writing each and every day. Some days, particularly early on, I think the writing saved me from getting into too dark of a place, mentally. Even when I don't have much to say, writing each day to check in with myself has been a really healthy step for me and has helped support this journey. I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to begin their sober journey. It doesn't have to be anything profound or world-altering every day (or at all). Even just "I feel like crap" or "What an awesome day" has helped me process and move along and be successful (so far). Handwritten, typing, journal, blog, anonymous, whatever works for you. I have found that, for me, I am less self-conscious when I type vs when I write by hand (although I have always longed to be a handwritten journal kind of person....it seems so much more romantic, but I just never stick with it...and I have come to accept that this IS working...)
Just wanted to mention also that I attended a wedding today- no reception for us though because of our little guy and the time. It would have been nice to attend my first sober wedding reception, but hey, another time. I will hopefully have a long life and many more receptions to attend and enjoy sober. The wedding was really lovely by the way (when isn't a wedding lovely?). In the old days I probably would have been focused on the stress and longing for a "relaxing" drink after the hubbub. I am finding that I am getting closer to the person I want to be now that I have eliminated alcohol from my equation. I still have a really long way to go, though. Let me keep learning, keep building my patience and love, and keep riding steadily on this sober unicycle.
Just wanted to mention also that I attended a wedding today- no reception for us though because of our little guy and the time. It would have been nice to attend my first sober wedding reception, but hey, another time. I will hopefully have a long life and many more receptions to attend and enjoy sober. The wedding was really lovely by the way (when isn't a wedding lovely?). In the old days I probably would have been focused on the stress and longing for a "relaxing" drink after the hubbub. I am finding that I am getting closer to the person I want to be now that I have eliminated alcohol from my equation. I still have a really long way to go, though. Let me keep learning, keep building my patience and love, and keep riding steadily on this sober unicycle.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad
It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days. I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol! I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking! It is so nice not going to the liquor store. So nice being clear and aware in my class. So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy. I love that more than anything. I want him to grow up in a substance-less home. No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way. Have that be his normal. It is normal for so many individuals, why not him? Why not me? Getting there. Much love.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Day 82: The Booze Veil
I've been trying to study like a sober madwoman and keep ahead of the material because this class is challenging! Oh, but it is so incredibly, absolutely fascinating, too. I am in love with it. I am so happy to be in this class while not drinking. It will help me be so much more focused, help me to retain information better, help keep me connected to my goals, keep me dedicated. I want to get through nursing school completely sober- how cool and appropriate would that be??
It feels SO good to not be boozing through life. The booze veil was lifted when I stopped drinking and I really feel like a different person, woman, mother...existence is being experienced as it was meant to. I hate admitting it but I had forgotten what it meant to live life unaltered. Isn't that so sad? Life came to be naturally paired with SOMETHING chemical. Why did that happen? How? I think I'm a pretty reasonable gal....but there was no reason to that at all. It took over, very quickly if I remember. My switch was flipped. And now here I am..Day 82...slowly but surely doing it. This is truly what is best for myself and my world. With much love to all and a very happy weekend to you, I wish you well in your travels, whether old-time sober, newly sober, almost sober, contemplating sober, or happily non-sober.
It feels SO good to not be boozing through life. The booze veil was lifted when I stopped drinking and I really feel like a different person, woman, mother...existence is being experienced as it was meant to. I hate admitting it but I had forgotten what it meant to live life unaltered. Isn't that so sad? Life came to be naturally paired with SOMETHING chemical. Why did that happen? How? I think I'm a pretty reasonable gal....but there was no reason to that at all. It took over, very quickly if I remember. My switch was flipped. And now here I am..Day 82...slowly but surely doing it. This is truly what is best for myself and my world. With much love to all and a very happy weekend to you, I wish you well in your travels, whether old-time sober, newly sober, almost sober, contemplating sober, or happily non-sober.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Day 79: Tiny Strength Mountain
So...tonight I begin a summer class which is a taking prerequisite for applying to nursing school. Very excited about this. Nervous because I know it is going to be a huge challenge with my tiny man, but you know what? I was able to make it through when my dad was sick, so I know I can do this. I don't normally say things like that- usually my self-confidence is a little lacking. But going through everything with my dad, handling every single medical, financial, legal, logistical, and of course emotional issue on my own (with support from loved ones of course, but still, it was my responsibility to do things- which I was absolutely willing to do of course), that entire sequence of events altered me forever. I have a pit of loss within me, but I also have a little mountain of strength. This absolutely can relate to how I feel with having stopped drinking (of course, not as intense, but still). It has given me confidence. I am still shaky at times...but I am DOING it. Each day adds a tiny bit to my strength mountain. So I know that if I can get through that other stuff, I can get through classes and hopefully get into nursing school, and then hopefully-hopefully, become a dedicated, competent, compassionate nurse. That is a true goal of mine. I haven't have many goals in my life, so this is very important to me. Much love always.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Day 74: Unflipping the Party Switch
It's funny to consider myself a non-drinker. Good funny. Before I would hear about folks taking breaks/stopping drinking/living sober, and I thought, huh, now those are concepts I just don't understand. I guess I assumed I would always be a drinker or a (tame) party gal. Having the "party switch" available to be flipped basically any time I chose for such a long time created a little monster in my head. I basically did what I wanted, when I wanted. When I got into my thirties, things slowed down, but I definitely still had my binges from time to time. When I was pregnant, it was so easy to not drink- I loved it and I felt (mostly) fantastic. Now that I have stopped drinking of my own accord and through personal heartfelt decision, I feel a different sense of self and kind of re-born. Caring for my dad and then losing him was life-altering. Having my son has been life-altering. Getting sober has been life-altering. I still feel so early days and it makes me a tad uncomfortable saying I'm sober, because it's like, who am I? Day 74? Very early. I have a long way to go. I really want this to continue. Not taking any day for granted. I am doing it, though. I have been relieved to see that drinking does not have to be forever! It is not a life sentence! It's exhilarating to see this.
The time I have had, mostly at home, has created a really good foundation for continuing my sober journey. I've had a lot of time to think, to talk with my husband, to see what is and is not a trigger, and to get comfortable in my new sober skin. I feel more equipped to handle events, other people, and the like. This is just me- I think some people find it very helpful to got right on out there and just do what they would always do, without the alcohol. It's different for me because we have our little dude, and don't go out to eat or hang with friends much these days. I think this has been a blessing. I have no real fear to do any of those things now. In fact, we are seeing friends this weekend and I am very excited. Looking forward to hanging out sober and driving home sober. It is awesome. These are friends we used to drink with, and who I assume will be drinking this upcoming evening. It's all good. Another weekend approaching and it will be boozeless- I love this new normal.
The time I have had, mostly at home, has created a really good foundation for continuing my sober journey. I've had a lot of time to think, to talk with my husband, to see what is and is not a trigger, and to get comfortable in my new sober skin. I feel more equipped to handle events, other people, and the like. This is just me- I think some people find it very helpful to got right on out there and just do what they would always do, without the alcohol. It's different for me because we have our little dude, and don't go out to eat or hang with friends much these days. I think this has been a blessing. I have no real fear to do any of those things now. In fact, we are seeing friends this weekend and I am very excited. Looking forward to hanging out sober and driving home sober. It is awesome. These are friends we used to drink with, and who I assume will be drinking this upcoming evening. It's all good. Another weekend approaching and it will be boozeless- I love this new normal.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Boozeless Shower
We are going to a co-ed bridal shower this weekend. Most of my husband's family and extended family will be there. They are really great people and I'm excited to go- even more so now that I've stopped drinking! Can you believe that? Being excited about attending a social event, where almost everyone will be drinking, and where I of course would also have been partaking before 3/21/16? Yes! I am stoked.
I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all! Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive. But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that. It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave. I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself. I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).
Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks! Mainly soda. I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on. I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good. Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway. Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink. I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!). We'll see how it goes.
Anyway, so far, so good today. Much love.
I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all! Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive. But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that. It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave. I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself. I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).
Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks! Mainly soda. I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on. I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good. Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway. Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink. I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!). We'll see how it goes.
Anyway, so far, so good today. Much love.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Rolling Along
Solid day with a whiff here and there of drinking in the future but truly no desire for drinking today. Feels so wonderful not drinking. I love it. 60 days will happen this coming week. I am doing this.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Randomish
Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Not Today
Had a bunch of moments today that just felt right. Not a perfect day, but I had some good, mindful times throughout. Some days just slip by. Sometimes that's good. The sober days continue rolling and I lose count. I know I'm moving along towards 50. Will I ever drink again? I truly don't know. Sometimes I am haunted by "you will...of course you will." If only it were as easy as "you won't...of course you won't." I have no idea when drinking, or getting messed up in any way, became such a thing. I guess immediately, right from the start, for me. With alcohol, I am learning the depth of two small words that my wise sober comrade UnTipsy Teacher shared: not today. That is all, just not today. That is all I need. Such pressures I can pile on! Such angst. Who needs that. Just beautiful brief moments of not today.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Things to Remember
A few things I'd like to have a list of so that I can refer if needed...also to see where my head is at this moment:
- I do not want to drink alcohol ever again.
- I need to be good to myself and support my sobriety.
- Not drinking is awesome! It really feels great. Really!
- I can cope with what life brings: I am strong!
- Alcohol does not help- it hurts and hinders my well-being.
- Alcohol also hurts the well-being of my loved ones.
- Even if/when I feel like "Who cares if it doesn't help- I just want this pain to blur..", I must remember it will only make me feel WORSE. I will wake up with the pain still there and new pain of having drank.
That's all I can think of right now. They are biggies, though. Feels good getting them out :).
- I do not want to drink alcohol ever again.
- I need to be good to myself and support my sobriety.
- Not drinking is awesome! It really feels great. Really!
- I can cope with what life brings: I am strong!
- Alcohol does not help- it hurts and hinders my well-being.
- Alcohol also hurts the well-being of my loved ones.
- Even if/when I feel like "Who cares if it doesn't help- I just want this pain to blur..", I must remember it will only make me feel WORSE. I will wake up with the pain still there and new pain of having drank.
That's all I can think of right now. They are biggies, though. Feels good getting them out :).
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Moving Forward
In thinking about this being my 30th day without alcohol, I wanted to make a list of things I'm concerned about and want to focus on while going forward...
- Maintaining my sobriety for the next 30 days (duh!); I think it's good to have this smaller goal while also recognizing that I just don't want to drink at all ever again. Seeing the small picture and the big picture together seems to be working for me.
- What to expect in these next 30 days?...I have read that more introspection is common, maybe cravings that are less intense. Should look that up..
- Continuing to deal with my grief, and recognizing that as the 1st year anniversary of my father's death approaches, things are going to be really hard.
- Have not had many social occasions with our friends and this may come up soon; must be prepared for visits to a bar or restaurant- hopefully it won't be a big deal! Our friends are cool.
- Attend another women's AA meeting and continue reading the Big Book. No idea if AA is right for me but I am trying to be as open as possible to all methods of quitting drinking.
Might add more to this later. Really beautiful outside today.
- Maintaining my sobriety for the next 30 days (duh!); I think it's good to have this smaller goal while also recognizing that I just don't want to drink at all ever again. Seeing the small picture and the big picture together seems to be working for me.
- What to expect in these next 30 days?...I have read that more introspection is common, maybe cravings that are less intense. Should look that up..
- Continuing to deal with my grief, and recognizing that as the 1st year anniversary of my father's death approaches, things are going to be really hard.
- Have not had many social occasions with our friends and this may come up soon; must be prepared for visits to a bar or restaurant- hopefully it won't be a big deal! Our friends are cool.
- Attend another women's AA meeting and continue reading the Big Book. No idea if AA is right for me but I am trying to be as open as possible to all methods of quitting drinking.
Might add more to this later. Really beautiful outside today.
Day 30
It is Day 30 today! I have a long way to go but it's definitely an accomplishment. The past 30 days have been really interesting. Here is a summary of what has gone down:
- Realized it was time to stop drinking because I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol
- Consumed no alcohol beginning 3/21/2016
- Encountered some cravings here and there
- Had a really difficult night that caused me to want to drink but I did not; determined the biggest trigger for me is my grief
- Read Lotta Dann's "Mrs. D is Going Without", Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily", and Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" within the first couple of weeks and gained a lot from each of them
- Started reading some really fantastic and honest sober blogs
- Attended 3 different AA meetings, the most recent of which was a great women's meeting that I would return to
- Began delving into my history of drinking and contemplating the how and why of my substance usage
- Began really thinking critically about alcohol in general and seeing it in a new light as an unnecessary part of life
- Started this blog and have written in it every day, sometimes multiple times a day; have found it to be a really effective release and outlet
- Joined Living Sober in order to participate in the online community there; it has been awesome so far
- Began reading the Big Book
- Lived the past 30 days alcohol free!
I am really happy today. Going to celebrate with some quality time with my family! Much support going out to all celebrating their Day 30 today!
- Realized it was time to stop drinking because I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol
- Consumed no alcohol beginning 3/21/2016
- Encountered some cravings here and there
- Had a really difficult night that caused me to want to drink but I did not; determined the biggest trigger for me is my grief
- Read Lotta Dann's "Mrs. D is Going Without", Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily", and Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" within the first couple of weeks and gained a lot from each of them
- Started reading some really fantastic and honest sober blogs
- Attended 3 different AA meetings, the most recent of which was a great women's meeting that I would return to
- Began delving into my history of drinking and contemplating the how and why of my substance usage
- Began really thinking critically about alcohol in general and seeing it in a new light as an unnecessary part of life
- Started this blog and have written in it every day, sometimes multiple times a day; have found it to be a really effective release and outlet
- Joined Living Sober in order to participate in the online community there; it has been awesome so far
- Began reading the Big Book
- Lived the past 30 days alcohol free!
I am really happy today. Going to celebrate with some quality time with my family! Much support going out to all celebrating their Day 30 today!
Monday, April 18, 2016
Breezy...?
Feeling a little weird today. Need to get this out. Tomorrow will be my 30th day. I am very happy for that. It makes me a little nervous because I have zero desire to drink and it feels like things haven't really been too terribly tough so far, besides that one Saturday earlier on. I don't want to take any element at all of my sobriety for granted. I am wondering if I am being too breezy about my not drinking. It's confusing...I don't want to be light about it and risk feeling like I can drink down the line (because I do not want to), but I also want to be gentle on myself and not take everything so SERIOUSLY. I want joy and brevity in life. I guess this is common- I mean, who wants to be miserable, sober or otherwise?? I have found myself thinking that it's really early and I should not get complacent. I do not want to have that first drink. I see clearly that it leads to more. Relapse is really a frightening concept. I think I need to attend another meeting and open up more to others. That will help me feel more connected and keep strengthening my sobriety. It feels wonderful writing about it, but it must also feel wonderful speaking about it. I will find that women's meeting!
As an aside, I want to be a good, strong, clear, bright, wise example for my son. I would like to do everything I can to support myself in not drinking and translate that to being a better person, mother, wife, daughter, friend.
Also, today is really hard because it is this day one year ago that my Dad began his true decline. I do not wish to write about that. It is so painful to recall. I miss him beyond words. Sending support to all those with poor health, those in bereavement, those getting sober, and those maintaining sobriety.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Hello Day 27
I am a little curious about the concept of counting days. It's something I think many people have brought up and I am always interested in other folks' opinions about what works for them. I suspect it's all personal and subjective. To me, counting days in some ways seems a little bleak. I probably have the wrong attitude about it. For people responding effectively to that method, it is probably all about celebrating each day, like "Hell yeah! Day 27! Go me!" But just living life, enjoying the time, and simply not drinking, seems like a really natural way to be. Not being caught up or obsessed with each day, each hour. However, in thinking about counting the days as achievements, each one an accomplishment in its own right, that seems so wonderful. The importance of acknowledging milestones. I started by counting, then moved away from that, and now seem to be doing both, kind of casually aware, if that's possible. I check the number when I think of it or when I'm moved to check, but seem not to be obsessing. Today marks the late morning of Day 27, and it's a great morning. I see 30 days on the horizon. How cool is that? I would like to get there.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Stuff I'd Like To Do Sans Booze
Here are some things I want to either dip my toes into or jump into whole hog (man, do I love the phrase whole hog):
- Make more art
- Make more music
- Be a better mom, wife, daughter, woman
- Get fluent in Spanish
- Cultivate a strong routine for keeping the house tidy
- Keep working through grief
- Become a nurse
- Be less angry
- Be more compassionate
- Give back to my community
- Grow some kick ass vegetables
- Be less obsessive and more goofy and free
- Be more honest
- Be more appreciative
- Cook more
- Exercise more
- Be more content with what I have as opposed to wanting what I don't have
- Become more involved in the sobersphere, whether in life or online
- Continue not drinking
Here's to dreaming and doing!
- Make more art
- Make more music
- Be a better mom, wife, daughter, woman
- Get fluent in Spanish
- Cultivate a strong routine for keeping the house tidy
- Keep working through grief
- Become a nurse
- Be less angry
- Be more compassionate
- Give back to my community
- Grow some kick ass vegetables
- Be less obsessive and more goofy and free
- Be more honest
- Be more appreciative
- Cook more
- Exercise more
- Be more content with what I have as opposed to wanting what I don't have
- Become more involved in the sobersphere, whether in life or online
- Continue not drinking
Here's to dreaming and doing!
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