Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Signs of Strength

Well, the meeting was not an all-women meeting....bummer.  The AA schedule needs to be updated online.  Another non-love connection, but truly respected all who shared tonight.  I am going to find that women's meeting!  Something in the meetings has me wanting to continue.  Not sure about AA yet...but there is something there.  The sharing is just searingly real.  I really respond to the vulnerability.  Just looking for that particular connection.  On the way home I was in a pretty good mood and looking forward to seeing my husband.  Then I drove past the exit where my dad is buried and I just exploded with tears, sobbing on the beltway.  The pain absolutely took over.  Everything came crashing over me without warning.  Drove the rest of the way and even as upset as I felt, I also realized I had no desire to drink.  Not a shred of desire.  A couple of weeks ago, I would absolutely have stopped by the liquor store to get something to cope, or to get something for a happy Sunday night with my husband (to match whichever feeling- celebrate, time together!...or..cope, the grief is just awful and unbearable).  Anyway, got home, talked at length with my husband about the experience, cried a bit more, just basically let it out.  He was completely supportive and awesome. God I love him so much. We ate dinner and watched Chopped and then snuggled with our dog on the couch.  Now time for sleep.  I am exhausted but feeling a ray of strength as well.  Tomorrow will be my 29th day.  Almost to 30.  How cool is that?

Haiku Jumped Through My Fingers

I felt such sadness
My dog began her snoring
Thank you universe