Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Partyoholic?

Feeling bummed today for a few different reasons.  Hopefully it'll pass.  Had an emotional evening last night and as it occurred, I thought about how normally I'd absolutely drink to help smooth things.  Now today I review the events and I think, well those issues are still here.  Drinking would have solved nothing.  At this point, if I drink, I think I am going to seriously feel regret because I have a great amount of satisfaction for the amount of time I've been sober.  It has added so much to my life.  To blow it off would be so, so sad.  It's also hard to think about starting over.  I have a very nice warm feeling now about being sober.  I am very content with it (for the most part).  It's just something I want for my life, and a real accomplishment.  I still don't know if I was/am an alcoholic.  That seems so funny saying that because I have this blog dedicated to helping me express my journey in SOBRIETY!  It's seems like, duh!  Nobody writes that much about it or needs that release if it's no big thing!  Maybe I'm in denial?  I think part of me feels like I was/am, and then another part of me feels like I am more of a partyoholic, like my "thing" never used to be booze...but it was always something.  Or perhaps an escapeoholic?  Escaping emotional extremes?  Not sure.  I guess I have the rest of my life to contemplate it.  Anyway, who really cares, my feeling now is that I don't want to drink or do anything mind-altering and that's what matters.  Mucho love always.

Low

Hi. Feeling a little low so I decided to clean the house and move furniture around.  It helps switching things up, though it's tough to do with the little guy keeping me busy.  Wish I could escape with my family but it's not a reality for us right now.  I miss my dad.  Nobody talks about him.  Sorry for the weird and random post.  Sometimes things are just off.  No desire to drink.  Much love to all always.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.