Day 226: Cold Medicine?

I have been a bit under the weather and rundown from a cold the past few days, and the slightly rough part is that I'm uncomfortable with taking any cold medicine that contains alcohol.  I've taken some non-alcohol stuff and it just really hasn't helped too much.  I have responded well to Nyquil in the (boozy) past and I'm wishing I could take it now, but I'm scared of how it might affect me or if it would flip the tiniest of switches in my head and turn me toward drinking sooner or later.  I don't want to underestimate the potential for this to happen.  How sad would it be to start drinking again after taking little ole Nyquil??  I am trying not to have any illusions about anything and anticipate as much as possible.  Anyone ever have experience with this?  Still happy to not be drinking.  Happy November to all with much love.

Day 210: Looking Ahead

Busy weekend but not much to speak of, boozish-wise. I've just generally been really thankful to not be drinking and to be closing in on 7 months. What an accomplishment for me. Soon come the holidays, the new year, my birthday. It would be so wonderful to reach age 35 as a happily sober person. That needs to be the gift I give to myself. One step at a time, with much love always.

P.S. Bob Ross is on Netflix!!

Day 206: Hello Out There

We moved to a new state and there has been a lot going on, including a long delay in obtaining new internet.  I am so glad to be sitting here writing because this blog means a lot to me and I know I need to make it a priority to write more frequently.  It is rejuvenating to process the thoughts and emotions and other "muck" :).

So, yes, I am still currently sober and it is still really great.  I have struggled here and there with wanting to drink.   A couple of moments have been tough, but for the most part things have been manageable.  I never regret not drinking and the urges always, always fade.  I know I would instantly regret drinking if I did, so as of now, I continue along this route.  It has been working for me!

Stress and sadness make me want to drink.  Big shocker, right?  Getting overwhelmed with what I am responsible for, what I have yet to do, overwhelmed with grief, feeling lonesome/alone, anger, when I let myself down, when I let my husband or my son down, etc.  It all feels awful, so I still feel my go-to coping mechanism kick in, like hey! You know what would push these crappy feelings away?  Booze!  Sometimes it's even just simply walking past a bar in town (of which there are thankfully very few) and seeing a sign advertising special for my old favorite beer (Yuengling) for some random weeknight.  I have a little longing like, gee, that sounds nice.  And I think, well that isn't practical and it isn't realistic.  Because of course: it is never just one.  I continue to recognize this.  I have forced those words into the forefront of my heart and mind in this journey.  There is no just one for me.  Either I never learned how to have just one or I never had the just-one gene to begin with- either way, same result.  So when I get to feeling down and drinkish, I think a few steps ahead.  I first think of myself drinking and enjoying it.  Then I think of myself drinking more and starting to not enjoy it.  Then I think of myself drinking the way I used to, and that is just too depressing to think about anymore.  That usually does the trick.

My son is starting to wake up so I have to cut this short.  Sending much love always to every single person out there struggling no matter what your issue.

Day 148: Tiny Cracks

I am a little ashamed of letting my writing slip so long.  It has been and continues to be such a meaningful tool for helping me to continue maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we've had a lot going on- my son turned 1 and we had a family party for him; I completed my summer class and got an A (big accomplishment for me- a lot of hard work).  Very recently, we have also begun planning a big move across the country, and this I believe has been leading me down a little bit of a rabbit hole.  I have felt my grip slipping a bit.  It's not been unmanageable, but little urge-y cracks have been forming quicker than I am able to spackle them up.  I am really scared about the move.  Scared about adjusting to a new life.  It will hopefully be a big step up for our family and we are really excited about it, but what a change it will be.  I feel myself beginning to think I can handle a drink here and there in a new place, knowing I can't, but feeling it nonetheless.  I very rarely think about drinking at all here- if I do, it's just in a remembering way, definitely not in a longing way.  I guess I'm having a bit of a tough time.  The emotional aspect of telling family we are moving halfway across the company is probably what has me down right now.  I think I am going to try and open up a bit more on here.  I do not want to drink and I do not want to be a boozy mom, or a coper-with-booze, or a boozy anything, except a non-boozer.  Think I'll try to write more later.  Sorry for a downer post, other things are really good here.  Hope all is well and much love to you always.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 74: Unflipping the Party Switch

It's funny to consider myself a non-drinker.  Good funny.  Before I would hear about folks taking breaks/stopping drinking/living sober, and I thought, huh, now those are concepts I just don't understand.  I guess I assumed I would always be a drinker or a (tame) party gal.  Having the "party switch" available to be flipped basically any time I chose for such a long time created a little monster in my head.  I basically did what I wanted, when I wanted.  When I got into my thirties, things slowed down, but I definitely still had my binges from time to time.  When I was pregnant, it was so easy to not drink- I loved it and I felt (mostly) fantastic.  Now that I have stopped drinking of my own accord and through personal heartfelt decision, I feel a different sense of self and kind of re-born.  Caring for my dad and then losing him was life-altering.  Having my son has been life-altering.  Getting sober has been life-altering.  I still feel so early days and it makes me a tad uncomfortable saying I'm sober, because it's like, who am I?  Day 74?  Very early.  I have a long way to go.  I really want this to continue. Not taking any day for granted.  I am doing it, though.  I have been relieved to see that drinking does not have to be forever!  It is not a life sentence!  It's exhilarating to see this.

The time I have had, mostly at home, has created a really good foundation for continuing my sober journey.  I've had a lot of time to think, to talk with my husband, to see what is and is not a trigger, and to get comfortable in my new sober skin.  I feel more equipped to handle events, other people, and the like.  This is just me- I think some people find it very helpful to got right on out there and just do what they would always do, without the alcohol.  It's different for me because we have our little dude, and don't go out to eat or hang with friends much these days.  I think this has been a blessing.  I have no real fear to do any of those things now.  In fact, we are seeing friends this weekend and I am very excited.  Looking forward to hanging out sober and driving home sober.  It is awesome.  These are friends we used to drink with, and who I assume will be drinking this upcoming evening.  It's all good.  Another weekend approaching and it will be boozeless- I love this new normal.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

Boozeless Shower

We are going to a co-ed bridal shower this weekend.  Most of my husband's family and extended family will be there.  They are really great people and I'm excited to go- even more so now that I've stopped drinking!  Can you believe that?  Being excited about attending a social event, where almost everyone will be drinking, and where I of course would also have been partaking before 3/21/16?  Yes!  I am stoked.

I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all!   Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive.  But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that.  It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave.  I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself.  I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).

Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks!  Mainly soda.  I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on.  I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good.  Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway.  Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink.  I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!).  We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, so far, so good today.  Much love.

Mental Note: I Don't Drink Anymore!

It's morning- another day behind me of not drinking and another day ahead of me not drinking. It is completely fine. At this point I don't even think about it like it's a big old day ahead of me.  I don't really think about it at all.  I just don't drink.  I am thinking about alcohol a lot less- awesome!

Today is Wednesday. It's not even a weekend day and in times past I would have absolutely allowed myself to have a couple of drinks on a Wednesday evening. Today I have no inclination to do that. Even with bereavement class tonight, it is just so awesome for my new normal to be not drinking as opposed to drinking. I cannot say enough about that. It feels so good.

Lately my husband and I have been getting really down about the area we live in.  Slowly but surely it's been chipping away at both of us.  There is a lot of good around the city, but so much hostility and sadness too.  We dream of moving and last night I found myself thinking of a new area and wanting to drink in the new area (for some reason).  It just popped into my brain and I thought, "Hmm, the new area may have a wine culture surrounding it..that would be fun...going to wineries.."  It was weird, it's like I forgot I don't drink anymore.  When I "remembered", I had sort of a woe is me moment, like, "Gee, that's a drag..why can't I have a drink in a new area?  What a bummer not to be able to go to wineries.  They are so fun and beautiful...not being able to have a drink sounds like such a shame.."

Then I remembered my full story: There is no "a drink"!  It's an illusion!  And I began to let that sink in more and realized how cool it would be continuing to NOT drink.  Much cooler than initially enjoying a drink or two, then it spiraling into what it used to be, which I am sure it would.  That would really be so much more invigorating, a better way to maintain and enhance my self-respect, and a better way to keep existing.  Who needs wine to enjoy a beautiful setting?  It is completely meaningless and for me, only leads to darkness instead of light.  To maintain not drinking seems more and more appealing the longer it is a reality for me.  The tide is shifting on that, because before, it felt like drinking "at some point" was more appealing.  I am feeling very glad that these cravings or momentary lapses of memory are pretty infrequent and absolutely not strong at all. I am still adjusting.  Who needs to live in a boozy culture, anyway!  Our culture is already boozy enough without living in a town that prides itself on its wineries or breweries or what have you.  Wishing all well who may be reading this, whatever your struggle may be.

It's Never Just One!

Feeling a little all over the place this morning. I had a nightmare before waking up and I guess that lingering terror just kicked the day off in a weird way. It's supposed to rain today but you'd never know it with the brilliant sun shining. Is it wrong to be disappointed with the light?? I'm in a little bit of a dark, stormy mood. Just want to snuggle in with my little guy and little dog. We'll get out for a bit, it'll probably do us good.

No drinking and no real cravings of note. I sigh a little thinking forever? Really? No glass of wine at Christmas? No bottle of beer at a baseball game? No champagne on New Year's?

The thing is, I've been there, done that, with every one of those circumstances.

It wasn't one glass of wine at Christmas, it was a mixture of wine and beer, coupled with stress and a crazy mix of food, leading to a swirly belly, headache, and disconnect from the holiday.

It wasn't one beer at the game, it was several, which translated to a lot more money spent, distraction from the game, more focus on the booze than anything, attempts to not plummet down the steep stairs that led to our seats, and of course, more drinking at home afterwards.

It wasn't one glass of champagne at New Year's, it was boozing all night with a mix of alcohols, waking up with a hangover on the first day of the new year, feeling regret, and the previous night apparently having been more about alcohol than anything else.

That seems to be the common thread. The alcohol taking center stage instead of the event itself. How weird and sad is that?

I think about forever a little wistfully at times, and then I think about the fact that I'm romanticizing the alcohol. Making it into a special and necessary aspect of the event. I am seeing that it absolutely is not. I just need to make that thought my new normal. I'm getting there.

I also think about living the rest of my life completely clean and sober and it brings me a little spark of excitement, and also peace. I imagine a clearer, healthier, more mature me and it makes me feel really good.

Upcoming Events

Hello out there! I just had a pretty awesome realization....April is coming to close and if I make it to May, it will have been an entirely sober April by choice.  I want to get there.  I refuse to get too confident or nonchalant about it because I know how quickly the urge to drink can swoop in and overtake my mind...even if that happens, I don't want to have any drinks because one will lead to more, I just know it.  Why wouldn't it?  In what universe would I just want one drink?  I need to accept that will never change about me.  Even if I think it has changed, I must remember that I don't want to risk it and that drinking is completely unnecessary.

Some upcoming things that I am looking forward to experiencing sober:

- the wedding of an extended family member
- family get-togethers
- hanging out with friends
- just random days of the week and weekends!

Some upcoming events that I'm a little nervous about:

- the year anniversary of my dad's death (for obvious reasons)
- my marriage anniversary (will it be hard not to "toast"?)

Just have to anticipate potentially difficult feelings and plan ahead about what I will do in those situations.  Hope all are well who may be reading this- take care.