Day 227: Part 2

Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.

Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.

I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.

For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.

Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 75: Sobertastic

Whoa, Day 75!  How did that happen?  That is actually starting to sound close to 100, which was my initial sober goal.  Of course, now my sober goal is a little further out (the entirety of my LIFE- ahh!)..but this feels good.

I think the reason why I've had some trouble identifying myself as a sober person is because I'm scared I will fail.  Like, oh, you were "sober" and now you're drinking again, big surprise there.  But who would say that?  I haven't thought that about other people I've heard that stopped and resumed.  No way.  I guess it would be me thinking that.  I have been taking this very seriously and I don't want to mess it up at all.  I honestly haven't even been drawn to AF wine or AF beer, because it seems too close to the real thing.  This is nothing against folks who enjoy these types of drinks, by the way.  I can see them being a really good alternative, especially if there is a craving afoot.  For me, it's just too close, at least right now.  As far as my sobriety, I think  I am all in on this.  So I may as well tell anyone who inquires, because I am committed.  Maybe I was scared to admit that before (again, scared to fail).

I had a random urge last night.  I don't remember it being triggered by anything- I really need to pay attention to that.  But I wasn't moping around, I think I was in a fine mood.  And then BOOM, a longing to drink.  I had it, I sat with it, I knew I wasn't going to, that frustrated me, then it passed and I was back to my old (new) self...sober and happy.  These urges do not disappear, and they are a tricky lot, but I can definitely say they have lessened in both intensity and frequency.  Thank the sober stars!

In other news, I believe I've lost almost 10 pounds.  I put on one or two because I made these butter-tastic cookies the other day and ate about a dozen (not an exaggeration), but still.  The booze weight does come off!  And who cares if I eat a dozen cookies.  I don't do that every day, and dang it, I haven't drank for 75 days- that is huge for me!  Anything is better than drinking...within reason :).  Much love to all and a very happy Friday to you.

Day 73: Photographs

I was drawn to a photo album tonight. Seeing those pictures brought up a lot. I saw myself younger, living very much for the day to day, having few passions, no real goals. My only focus for so much of that time was getting fucked up. It hurts saying that but it is very true. I don't think I even understood what I was doing. Certainly not where it could take me. I am very lucky I didn't get into more trouble. I was very young. I have no idea if I was running from something or running toward something. I have a different life now and I am thankful for it every day.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

40 Days

Hello out there. Just want to share that it's Day 41 today so I officially have 40 full days under the old sober belt. I've had a lot of random, weird thoughts about drinking and not drinking, but through it all, no alcohol. It doesn't really seem like many days but I appreciate each of them and am not trying to diminish them.

Lately I've noticed some heightened feelings of confidence and self-respect, which I am so grateful for. Not confident like "I've got it now, I'm a sober pro!" (faaaar from it). Just a little bit more general confidence in myself, my judgment, my heart. It's nice.

I've been trying to make it a point to write a post each day documenting some moment or feeling, however brief. It's been really good for me and has been helping me stay that much more accountable. It has also been helpful in processing/releasing some of my grief. Sending much support to all in recovery, in bereavement, and in between.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.

I Told My Buddy

I spoke with a really dear friend of mine last night and I told her I'd stopped drinking. This was kind of major for me.  She is the first person I've told beyond my husband.  I was pretty upfront with my reasons- not brutally honest about every detail, but basically said I had been drinking too much for too long and I was ready to stop.  She was awesome about it as she is about pretty much everything.  She's a good gal.  Lucky as hell to have her in my life.  Just thought I'd share.  Baby steps!  I want to share with my mom, but I'm not there yet.  No desire to drink by the way.

Obsessing! Ugh!

I have a question for any AA folks who might come across this...do you get your milestone chip on the day itself or the day after?  As in, today is Day 30 for me, but technically I have only 29 days sober under my belt since the 30th day isn't over. Would it be more appropriate to obtain your chip on Day 31, thereby technically having "30 days"?  I don't mean to obsess or overthink this.  I inquired about this on the Living Sober website and people were awesome and basically said, just chill and own the days.  I am just curious is all.  Not planning to get the chip today, or necessarily at all, who knows, but if I do (or the 60 Day chip, or One Year for that matter....not trying to get ahead of myself, eek!), I just want it to be an honest/accurate count of sobriety.  Some seem to measure in days, some in months, some in years, some not at all.  I guess it's safer to get it the day after.  Since after all, it is "one day at a time" in AA............agggghhh, why am I obsessing about this??  Better than drinking I suppose :).