Day 102: In My Heart, I Know

Calm yet productive day today. Had some moderation thoughts, nothing too serious. In my heart I know I should never drink again....in my head, I get a little mixed up. No desire to drink at all in present time, however. I had sad thoughts of past experiences and how much/often they relied on alcohol, how it was really all about the alcohol. I never want to be in that circumstance again. I never want to have an evening orchestrated purely for drinking and have human companionship secondary. What a lonely way to live. Not every gathering was like that, and the degree to which that was true shifted, but still. Feeling very glad to not be drinking and sending some positive vibes out to everyone. Much love.

Day 73: Photographs

I was drawn to a photo album tonight. Seeing those pictures brought up a lot. I saw myself younger, living very much for the day to day, having few passions, no real goals. My only focus for so much of that time was getting fucked up. It hurts saying that but it is very true. I don't think I even understood what I was doing. Certainly not where it could take me. I am very lucky I didn't get into more trouble. I was very young. I have no idea if I was running from something or running toward something. I have a different life now and I am thankful for it every day.

Randomish

Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.

I Miss Him

Struggling a bit. I miss him so much.

It's Never Just One!

Feeling a little all over the place this morning. I had a nightmare before waking up and I guess that lingering terror just kicked the day off in a weird way. It's supposed to rain today but you'd never know it with the brilliant sun shining. Is it wrong to be disappointed with the light?? I'm in a little bit of a dark, stormy mood. Just want to snuggle in with my little guy and little dog. We'll get out for a bit, it'll probably do us good.

No drinking and no real cravings of note. I sigh a little thinking forever? Really? No glass of wine at Christmas? No bottle of beer at a baseball game? No champagne on New Year's?

The thing is, I've been there, done that, with every one of those circumstances.

It wasn't one glass of wine at Christmas, it was a mixture of wine and beer, coupled with stress and a crazy mix of food, leading to a swirly belly, headache, and disconnect from the holiday.

It wasn't one beer at the game, it was several, which translated to a lot more money spent, distraction from the game, more focus on the booze than anything, attempts to not plummet down the steep stairs that led to our seats, and of course, more drinking at home afterwards.

It wasn't one glass of champagne at New Year's, it was boozing all night with a mix of alcohols, waking up with a hangover on the first day of the new year, feeling regret, and the previous night apparently having been more about alcohol than anything else.

That seems to be the common thread. The alcohol taking center stage instead of the event itself. How weird and sad is that?

I think about forever a little wistfully at times, and then I think about the fact that I'm romanticizing the alcohol. Making it into a special and necessary aspect of the event. I am seeing that it absolutely is not. I just need to make that thought my new normal. I'm getting there.

I also think about living the rest of my life completely clean and sober and it brings me a little spark of excitement, and also peace. I imagine a clearer, healthier, more mature me and it makes me feel really good.

Moderation: Brain..cannot...compute

Okay, so I have a true 30 days under my belt :).  It's great.  This morning I wondered aloud in the kitchen (to nobody) "am I really never going to drink again?", but it wasn't a sad or wistful wondering, it was a happy wondering, with an air of relief.  Also an air of hope, as in, I hope I can do this.  I think about my son and I just continue to believe that not drinking is a powerful choice as a parent and role model.  I am hoping it will just become no big deal.  It seems less like a big deal even now, after only 30 days.  That is so encouraging!

For me, one just leads to another, to another, or at least it leads to *wanting* more, which is almost as depressing.  I am not interested in moderation- been there, done that, didn't work.  Here are some ways I tried moderating (all common and familiar to people, I'm sure):

- Drinking only after my son was asleep..........I was always uncomfortable drinking in his presence,  but drinking after he was asleep was weird, too (not that it stopped me either way).  When he inevitably woke up and I tended to him, I felt strange, as though I was lying to him because I wasn't fully "myself".  Was never drunk in his presence, but this was absolutely not a nice feeling.  Plus, who's to say that I wouldn't one day drink too much around him and be inebriated?  This makes me shudder.  It could happen.

- Drinking only on the weekends..............This didn't really work.  It would stick for a week or two, then I would drink on Sunday evening, then maybe Tuesday, etc., then it was back to during the week for me! :(

- Drinking only "(insert type of alcohol)".................This one is so funny.  Really, I'm a beer girl at heart.  I began drinking wine because it somehow seemed less "unseemly" after I had our son.  Wine is so romanticized and glamorized.  So I thought, wine, yeah, I'll just have a glass...then of course, one became two.  So I would switch to beer another session.  Only one beer tonight.  Then another because, hey, it's only two.  By the end of the second, it's like whatever, anything goes.  Also tried drinking mixed drinks every now and again.  That never worked for me, just not my "thing".  So it was back to my trusty "friends".

- Drinking "mindfully"..............This one is funny, too.  I would have a glass of wine (or a beer) and try to enjoy each sip.  Put it down between sips.  Just relax with it.  And it was great...but at the end I would realize two things: 1) I'd spent the entire time thinking about the alcohol (depressing), and 2) I still wanted more!  Yikes.

Yeah, not a fun way to live.  My brain malfunctions when I try to moderate.  It doesn't get it.  It just wants more.  Even when I don't actually consume more, it's still almost always wanting more.  It's like inching my way through hell. So, simply not drinking at all makes the most sense for me.

The "Bad Memory" List Grows Longer

Been struggling today. Not with wanting to drink (thank goodness), but with evaluating my place on the sphere of drinking. It has been a continued steady and often unhealthy drinking that has come to bother me. I have realized I really need to think critically about it. So many times I have just mindlessly had drinks (and other  stuff earlier on). Why mindlessly?  I don't have the answer yet. Easier to not think about it? Social acceptance and/or pressure? Coping? Naivety? Either way, I have been thinking about how I haven't been "that bad". Not that the thought makes me want to drink, but it makes me nervous for the future, potentially leading down the line to thinking "eh, I can handle it now". Anyway, I was just overcome with two sad memories of my unhealthy side of drinking. I want to share to remind myself, yes, I have a drinking problem:

- A few times here and there in the span of my drinking, I drank in the morning. I think those times were a symptom of depression. I don't remember getting drunk, but a beer or two before noon, and I think in one or two cases, before 9 or 10am. I'd forgotten about that. Haven't done that in several years. But still, I remember recognizing it was a problem and just doing it anyway.

- I got drunk (unintentionally- is that possible?) one night several years ago and had to drive home (had to?). I had been visiting with two old-time drinking friends, who I hadn't seen in a long time. It got late. I was a little over an hour away from home. I remember getting behind the wheel and just feeling drunk. I slowly made my way through the unfamiliar neighborhood. Got lost. Found my way to the highway. Pulled off at some point at a gas station to use the restroom. There was only one other person there, the attendant. I remember feeling vulnerable and him saying something that made me uncomfortable. Got back on the road as quickly as possible. Thankfully got home safely with no injury to myself or anyone. How horrible. It is chilling to think about all of the possibilities of what could have happened. My poor judgement, dangerous and reckless attitude, and utter stupidity make me very sick and upset.

So. I must keep adding to the bad memory list. It's depressing but necessary and of course I know there is more I am forgetting.