Day 207: I See It Now

Some moments are so tough.

Angry, lost, frustrated, weary moments.

Moments where I see clearly that I'm not always the person I like to think I am.

Moments when I understand that some shadows will never lift.

Moments of futility.

There are moments of fuck-it, moments of weakness, moments of denial.

Moments of regret, of loss, of shame.

Even joyful moments that get twisted into back-stabbing temptations.

The past 207 days I have experienced these moments, just as countless other people have.  Whether I've met them head-on, talked them through, processed them, learned and grown from them...or slipped away, ignored, retreated, hidden under the covers, plunged into the refrigerator, jumped behind the wheel for a mindless drive... throughout all of this, I have not consumed any alcohol.

This is a big deal for me.  I wish it wasn't, but it so, so is.

I used to drink all the time.  

I think this simple fact- that it is a big deal- both to drink and to not drink- is very revealing.

I have not been wanting to admit I'm an alcoholic.  I have admitted I have a problem, but using the word alcoholic has seemed so..broken.  A failure.  It's a low way to think, especially when I hear about other people, their struggles, admitting they have a problem or that they're alcoholic- I never think that way about them.  Never ever think of them as failures.  I only think that way about myself.

But you know what?

Screw that.

I am an alcoholic.

It doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am.

I need to embrace this fact.

This aspect of me is just a part of what makes me human.

It's part of the muck, the complexity, the drama of my ordinary human life.

And I am only a failure if I let it destroy me.

I have always been a substance person and I don't see it ever going away.  For whatever reason (many reasons no doubt), it is a part of me.  I am really seeing it now.

I need to be keenly aware of it, accept it, be honest with myself about who I am, and I think in time I will be able to just "get" that about me.  Embrace it.  The more I see it, the more I see how important it is to keep the tools I need in place to maintain my sobriety.  It's a really serious thing and I am proud to say that I have taken it seriously thus far, but I need to go further.  Keep building my sober world in order to keep supporting it.  I think my life depends on it.

Writing on here is a really important part of that sober world, so I am thankful for this because it helps.  I am also thankful for you reading.  I know I am not alone and I hope you know that you aren't alone either.

Much love always.

Day 148: Tiny Cracks

I am a little ashamed of letting my writing slip so long.  It has been and continues to be such a meaningful tool for helping me to continue maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we've had a lot going on- my son turned 1 and we had a family party for him; I completed my summer class and got an A (big accomplishment for me- a lot of hard work).  Very recently, we have also begun planning a big move across the country, and this I believe has been leading me down a little bit of a rabbit hole.  I have felt my grip slipping a bit.  It's not been unmanageable, but little urge-y cracks have been forming quicker than I am able to spackle them up.  I am really scared about the move.  Scared about adjusting to a new life.  It will hopefully be a big step up for our family and we are really excited about it, but what a change it will be.  I feel myself beginning to think I can handle a drink here and there in a new place, knowing I can't, but feeling it nonetheless.  I very rarely think about drinking at all here- if I do, it's just in a remembering way, definitely not in a longing way.  I guess I'm having a bit of a tough time.  The emotional aspect of telling family we are moving halfway across the company is probably what has me down right now.  I think I am going to try and open up a bit more on here.  I do not want to drink and I do not want to be a boozy mom, or a coper-with-booze, or a boozy anything, except a non-boozer.  Think I'll try to write more later.  Sorry for a downer post, other things are really good here.  Hope all is well and much love to you always.

Day 110: First Sober Bar Experience- Done

Been on my first blog hiatus- I missed you, blog.  I have just been doing really well and studying a lot for a major test..somehow the days got away from me, which I guess is a good thing.  I loved blogging every day for my 100 days and I still intend to post but maybe not as frequently.  Feeling great about being at Day 110 today, although the gun violence in this country is so hard to understand.  I am so upset about the events in St. Paul, Baton Rouge, and Dallas.  It's like we are reliving the same situations over and over again.  I hate to be bleak but it feels hopeless here sometimes.

I want to keep this focused on booze/quitting booze however, so I thought I would share an experience I had last night- it involved going to a bar (!) and not drinking (!!!!!).  I met my good friend (the one I told early on about quitting drinking- she is awesome) at a trendyish coffee shop but we determined that they didn't have enough in the way of good eats for us.  We decided to go to this bar/restaurant (after my friend asked if it was okay with me- very kind of her and I told her I thought it would be fine- plus I was curious how I'd take it).  This place used to be somewhat of a hangout for boozy me.  So, we went there and immediately I had a feeling wash over me of, huh, not drinking, this is weird, a tiny bit of a drag.  A feeling of nostalgia for the many boisterous times there with friends.  And then, it struck me- I never actually liked the alcohol there.  In fact, I ALWAYS ended up feeling like crap after I drank there.  Their beer just never sat well with me (never stopped me, of course...sigh).  They brew their own and it's a little fancy and I guess my body just never learned how to process it (why should it learn- that is horrible!).  Not only that, I consciously reminded myself that alcohol is completely unnecessary to hang out with my friend.  I simply don't need it.  It's all about just spending time together, catching up, eating some good food, and hanging.  So my longing/urge faded very quickly.  It hadn't even been particularly strong though I acknowledged it did exist- probably a normal/expected amount of existence.  I was going to order something cool like lime and selzer but I just settled on good old Coca Cola.  Had two actually- got a little buzzed on caffeine.

My whole point with this ramblingness is that I conquered my first bar experience and it was completely fine.  I see time and again that my true trigger is grief and extremely dark feelings about the loss of my dad, but even then it really hasn't been anything that worried me or seriously tempted me besides the one major time early on.  So hooray!  Not planning to be hanging out in bars or anything but I enjoy being able to be flexible about where to hang with friends.  It will be interesting to go to a place that I loved drinking at.  I wonder if I'm ready.  Not rushing out there, that's for sure.  Really, my favorite place to drink was at home and that feels pretty conquered, so I am grateful for that.

Wishing all well who were involved in the recent events this week across the country.  Much love to you.

Day 92: This Will Always Be My "Thing"

I can't believe I'm in the 90's. This seemed so far out when I first began this journey.  Now all of a sudden, here I am.  Unbelievable.  Not one drop of alcohol, all by choice.  When I first started, I thought well, I am really going to try this.  Sincerely.  I want to get to 100 days, and I'd like to blog every single day, compelling or mundane.  Yet, the little doubting/addicted voice inside my head said, well, if you give in and drink, you can just shut your blog down.  Who would know or care.  No one reads it.  This is for you.  You'd be embarrassed and instead of sharing, you could just run away with your bottle.  That is so far from where I am now.  It's awful to admit that is what I thought, but it's true.  I got hits here and there, probably mistakes or just computer engines humming or something.  Nobody responded, so I thought, ehh, whatever.  Then a few folks *did* comment.  They said, hey, you are doing great, keep it up.  And I thought, oh my, well I don't want to let them down, and more importantly, don't want to let myself down.  I don't want to be a coward.  So I determined at some point that if I relapsed, I would continue to blog.  I would share that experience.  I would want to read that if I were someone in the world interested in these types of issues, which I am, and have read those stories on several blogs.  I find it very brave to be honest and just be real with yourself and share.  So I decided I would not run away.  And then more time had passed, and I've begun to forget about the relapse fear.  I hardly think about it anymore.  I am mindful of supporting my sobriety, and I am very early yet.  I know this.  But I don't obsess about relapsing.  And wouldn't you know here I am on Day 92, no booze in sight.  It's great.  Quite an accomplishment thus far.  It will never be over, I understand this.  I will always need to be mindful that this is my thing.  I need to be aware that there may come a sad time in the future that I do decide to drink.  That would be hard.  But I hope to keep moving forward because I truly love living this way and since there is no "just one" for me, I need to cut it out completely.  Initially, I didn't think deep down this would be forever.  Now I would like for it to be forever.  I've gained more insight into my whole thing with drinking and realize none at all is the wisest, healthiest, and most fun option.  Hooray for not being a slave to booze!  Much love to you always.

Each Day Is Real

Sneaking in a quick few thoughts while my little guy naps away.  I shared via text with another friend that I'd stopped drinking.  This has been a really personal thing to share with people- he is only the second person I've told.  I have not seen many folks during this sober time, and haven't had many occasions to field potential inquiries.  I think I'll end up being pretty casual about it with some people and others I think will know or will have known that it was an issue for a long time and will get it with minimal explanation on my part.  My close friends are very perceptive folks.  Not that it took a whole lot of detective work!  And there will be times I will want to share more about it I'm sure.  It's nice.  I think I am starting to see that discussing it will come naturally and I don't have to feel anxious about it.  Having our baby really did help me to slow down (drinking-wise) and re-evaluate, and honestly I believe 100% that he is the reason I wanted to stop completely, along with me wanting to stop for myself of course.  I am fiercely devoted to him and he is already helping me to be a better person.  The friend I told this morning is sober and stopped drinking many years ago, and I feel very comfortable having an open and honest conversation with him should that come up.  He is a very dear friend.  I don't know why I hadn't told him yet.  Maybe I just wanted to get some more sober time under my belt?  Make sure it's "real"?  Get a little more comfortable with it?  That is all understandable.  Although I must say it is no more real now than it was on Day 1- I have accepted it more so maybe it feels more real, but Day 1 is just as important, accomplished, valid, and beautiful as Day 66.  Much love always.

It Has Not Been Easy!!!

Okay, I just published that previous post, and now I immediately regret saying it has been (relatively) "easy" getting sober.  That is the wrong word.  I should have said it has been EMPOWERING getting sober, and that feeling has made it easier to maintain not drinking.  I just feel better not drinking, so I keep not doing it.  It is the truth!  But earlier on, especially the first couple of weeks, it was HARD!  And I have come out the other side completely sober.  No slips, no secret drinks.  Here is a depressing admission: early on at one point I thought, well I might drink, and if I do, I'll just shut down my blog and go hide.  Easy as that.  Ridiculous!  Now I can honestly say, the last thing I want to do is hide if something like that happens.  The reality of the difficulty of stopping and maintaining stopping is intense.  The vulnerability it takes to share when you have urges, share when you are feeling weak, and share when you fall or cave in- this is all a part of life and to be honored and absolutely can be related to be others.  I know when I have read about other people's relapses or cravings, or heard about them in person at a meeting, it doesn't make me feel badly about them or judge them AT ALL.  It is absolutely the opposite.  So yeah, maybe it was a little pink cloud talking.  I do not want to minimize the work it has been to maintain not drinking- it has been real, honest-to-God WORK!  But such good work!  Such valid and important work.  Must maintain it.  Much, much love to all.  Sorry for all the caps, by the way!

Boozeless Shower

We are going to a co-ed bridal shower this weekend.  Most of my husband's family and extended family will be there.  They are really great people and I'm excited to go- even more so now that I've stopped drinking!  Can you believe that?  Being excited about attending a social event, where almost everyone will be drinking, and where I of course would also have been partaking before 3/21/16?  Yes!  I am stoked.

I look forward to....being with my husband and son completely alcohol-free and enjoying the time together clear-headed; driving completely sober (it's a bit of a hike..maybe 2 hours driving or so, plus I think it's supposed to rain); being clear-headed around my in-laws; celebrating without thinking about alcohol (when to drink, how much, if I should, etc); just being a clearer version of myself- anxieties, awkwardness, and all!   Yes, the awkwardness will be there..I'm almost positive.  But that's normal for so many people, probably many of the people that will be in attendance, and drinking definitely doesn't really help that.  It maybe smoothes things..loosens the old lips a bit, but I don't want that to be how I behave.  I want to be a more together, stable, mature version of myself.  I hope I am able to project that with confidence and ease (we'll see..).

Some of the things I plan to do if for any reason I have any cravings or yearnings to "escape" with some booze....write a quick blog post, go on Living Sober and share how I feel (such a truly great website with people who respond very quickly on the community forum, particularly if someone mentions they are having a tough time- so supportive!), be near my husband and son, tell my husband how I feel, talk about things in the car on the way to or way home, and of course, have some awesome AF drinks!  Mainly soda.  I don't love drinking soda because it's such a weird drink, but hey, it's bubbly and sugary and caffeine-y, so bring it on.  I am thinking it might be a good idea to get a super-fun drink for the ride there, like maybe a Red Bull (crazy) or a homemade lemony seltzer for the road (better idea)..something good.  Then maybe by the time I get there I will just want some water anyway.  Not to get ahead of myself, but I don't anticipate wanting to drink.  I just don't want to at all, so that makes it easy (?!).  We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, so far, so good today.  Much love.

I Told My Buddy

I spoke with a really dear friend of mine last night and I told her I'd stopped drinking. This was kind of major for me.  She is the first person I've told beyond my husband.  I was pretty upfront with my reasons- not brutally honest about every detail, but basically said I had been drinking too much for too long and I was ready to stop.  She was awesome about it as she is about pretty much everything.  She's a good gal.  Lucky as hell to have her in my life.  Just thought I'd share.  Baby steps!  I want to share with my mom, but I'm not there yet.  No desire to drink by the way.

Alcoholic vs. Non-Drinker

I have a lot on my mind this morning.  It's so lovely outside- we are on such a roll this week, weather-wise.  Anyway, a few things.  First of all, I have not told anyone about quitting drinking except for my husband (and the internet :)..).  I guess it will come naturally at some point.  I want to tell my family and friends, but it feels so weird.  I don't want it to be a big deal, or make a big deal about it, but at the same time it *is* kind of a big deal.  Or is it??  I just long for the day when I don't even think about it.  I suppose it will come out however and whenever it's meant to.  I wonder if/when I will tell them about this blog.

I don't know if this is denial or what, but I'm not sure if I am an alcoholic.  I know I have been drinking dysfunctionally, for a long time.  Maybe it's because sobriety is still really new, and I am still trying to see myself the way I was and the way I am and want to be.  It will become clear in time and I don't need to be in a rush to label myself.  I am thinking about it because I suppose the thing some people may wonder when I say I'm no longer drinking is "is she an alcoholic?".  Or maybe if I don't make a big deal about it, they will just not really notice or care

If I am an alcoholic, it makes me feel really sad because there is such a stigma about it.  I know people can relate.  If my husband and I didn't have our baby boy, I think I might be more open to it (not sure?), but it feels so depressing to think about having our son and me being an alcoholic.  Maybe that's why I am resistant to this term...confused about it's accuracy.

Some people might read this blog and think, "Oh yeah, the words of an alcoholic- she's in denial, she'll see it in time."  I mean, who writes a blog about stopping drinking if they aren't an alcoholic??  Others might read this and think, "Oh, she wasn't too bad, she stopped before it ever got remotely close to true darkness.  She was a problem drinker, recognized it (finally), and moved on."  It feels like there's some truth to that.  But are they the same thing?  Is it harder to consider myself an alcoholic because I didn't really have anything truly awful occur?

Uggh. I feel more comfortable saying I don't drink anymore and leaving it at that, or saying I stopped because I was drinking too frequently/too much.  It's like I'm afraid the "A" word labels me as a Bad Mother.  That is such a horrible thing to say.  I guess it's my life, so I can label myself however I want to.  And anyway, I am trying to better my situation, so that is really awesome.

Jason Vale wrote about the terms alcoholic vs. non-drinker, and felt that he was an alcoholic when he was drinking, and when he stopped, he just simply was a non-drinker.  I don't know if it's denial, or rationalizing, or semantics, or insightful, or what.  I like it, but I also think of the people who have not had anything to drink for years and still consider themselves alcoholics (or ex-alcoholics?  in recovery? recovered alcoholics?  hmmm).  It seems depressing in some ways, but I guess they say that to continue to remind themselves that they should never drink again at all, which is obviously very important to them and for their lives.  I respect that.  Anyway, it's interesting.  Maybe it will be clearer to me as the days accumulate.