Day 219: Time is Passing and I'm Not Drinking and It Is Awesome

Thankful for Day 219. Better today. Goofy, thoughtful, loving, and mostly calm day. Support and love to all those in early days and in later days.

Day 217: Bright Fall Day

Grooving right along on Day 217. Not much to share besides it was a beautiful, spiritual day spent with my family.  I am overwhelmed with love for them. Alcohol was a non-issue today and I am so, so thankful for that. With much love always.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 213: Let This Please Continue

A really nice day today. Baby story time with my son at the library, lots of playing, productivity, patience, bonding, pizza. I even made a little music today. That hasn't happened in a while. I can't recall any booze urge today. So thankful for that. Whatever is going on in my head and heart, let it please continue. With love to you, wherever you are.

Day 211: Blue Sky

It probably seems like I spend a lot of my time obsessing about not drinking- I mean, I (try to) write a daily blog about it for goodness sake!  But I really do not think about it much.  It has gotten to the point where it's my new normal and as such, it's just part of my routine.  I love that!!  It's something I feared would never happen when I was earlier on in the sobersphere.

Sometimes my blog is the only notable time I think about alcohol at all, which I think is a great thing because stuff is always bubbling around there in the nether-regions of my brain, as evidenced by the many words that flow out about not drinking.  So it's great to get it out.

The town we moved to is small and it is so different from where we used to live.  Before, booze was a definite part of the local environment.  Liquor stores all over the place, people doing their thing, drugging, bars all around.  There was this one spot I used to get my wine/beer at- sometimes it would have a full parking lot before 11am.  No joke, a full lot.  Where we are now, it is so much sleepier. There is even a college nearby and you would seriously never know it.  It's not a drinking town at all.  There's like..2 bars?  No liquor stores I can think of in the downtown area.  I'm sure they exist but they are super low key, so low key I haven't even noticed them.  I absolutely love that we are now in a place that just doesn't seem to care about alcohol, or at least hasn't bought into pushing it down the community's throat, as it were.  I get really excited thinking about my son growing up in a culture that isn't permeated by booze, both inside and outside of our house.

Having a good day and wanted to share.  The mads have been kept at bay for some reason, so I'm stoked about that.  Much love and peace to all those in need or in pain, whether physical, emotional, or all of the above.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 105: Booze Life Be Gone!

Took two separate walks today with my husband, our son, and our dog. Beautiful temperature with no bright sun.  I enjoy being more active now that I have cut out ye olde booze.  Maybe it's just more motivation- who knows?  It feels pretty darn tootin good.  Feels like I'm alive.  Tomorrow is the 4th and normally I would have been obsessing about the usual suspects of drinking (when? where? what type? how much? when to stop?)...but not this time, my friends.  This weekend has been spent making homemade veggie burgers, drinking numerous fun NA drinks (lemon/lime selzer, chai tea, coffee, even water!!), studying like a prenursing demon, spending beautiful time with our son, taking it easy, keeping tidy, ya know- just generally living a life on my terms instead of on booze's terms.  It is awesome.  I do not miss alcohol at all.  Much love.

Day 102: In My Heart, I Know

Calm yet productive day today. Had some moderation thoughts, nothing too serious. In my heart I know I should never drink again....in my head, I get a little mixed up. No desire to drink at all in present time, however. I had sad thoughts of past experiences and how much/often they relied on alcohol, how it was really all about the alcohol. I never want to be in that circumstance again. I never want to have an evening orchestrated purely for drinking and have human companionship secondary. What a lonely way to live. Not every gathering was like that, and the degree to which that was true shifted, but still. Feeling very glad to not be drinking and sending some positive vibes out to everyone. Much love.

Day 101: Beautiful Years Ahead

And just like that, I am into my 100's...feeling extremely good about this!  I absolutely do NOT want to become complacent- I want to continue not drinking, and continue enjoying not drinking.  It is so amazing to not be drinking my life away!  I am so sad to realize how long I've been living under a veil of substances.  20 years!  Wow.  Time for the next 20 years to be about ME, my family, my passions in life- not about stinky old booze, and the bummer etceteras that go along with it.  I want to make these years count.  I do not need alcohol in my life anymore!!!  Must keep that close to my heart!  Much love to all.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 98: The Sober Unicycle

I am caught up in so much classwork and it's been a challenge because we have found our spare time limited throughout most of June for various reasons.  Regardless, I am very happy to find myself at Day 98.  I am thankful for so much of these past days and as I look closer and closer at my approaching Day 100, I feel so good to have come this far.  It has helped writing each and every day.  Some days, particularly early on, I think the writing saved me from getting into too dark of a place, mentally.  Even when I don't have much to say, writing each day to check in with myself has been a really healthy step for me and has helped support this journey.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to begin their sober journey.  It doesn't have to be anything profound or world-altering every day (or at all).  Even just "I feel like crap" or "What an awesome day" has helped me process and move along and be successful (so far).  Handwritten, typing, journal, blog, anonymous, whatever works for you.  I have found that, for me, I am less self-conscious when I type vs when I write by hand (although I have always longed to be a handwritten journal kind of person....it seems so much more romantic, but I just never stick with it...and I have come to accept that this IS working...)

Just wanted to mention also that I attended a wedding today- no reception for us though because of our little guy and the time.  It would have been nice to attend my first sober wedding reception, but hey, another time.  I will hopefully have a long life and many more receptions to attend and enjoy sober.  The wedding was really lovely by the way (when isn't a wedding lovely?).  In the old days I probably would have been focused on the stress and longing for a "relaxing" drink after the hubbub. I am finding that I am getting closer to the person I want to be now that I have eliminated alcohol from my equation.  I still have a really long way to go, though.  Let me keep learning, keep building my patience and love, and keep riding steadily on this sober unicycle.

Hi Diddly Ho!

So....I feel like my blog talks about a lot of downer stuff- I mean, the topics of death and drinking- not exactly encompassing the super-goodtimes-happy zone!  These are aspects of life (not just mine) and completely relevant to be working through, and the anonymity of this blog has helped me to be open about how I feel.  That said, today is really a good, smooth day, and I just wanted to share that.  Yay!  No soul-crushing grief or strange cravings to drink!  Not much obsession or rumination on either topic, to be honest.  Really, it's been so good.  Lots of time hanging with my son- he is the best.  I am so thankful to be able to be with him.  Also, my relationship with my husband is just, well, it kicks ass.  I am so lucky.  You know, if I would have continued drinking, going along as I had been, who knows what the future might have brought?  My drinking may have (almost definitely would have) gotten worse/increasingly dysfunctional/more of an issue....who knows where it would've led us all?  My son is still only under a year old, and I hear about some moms who hang out in play groups and drink wine or something.  It is so accepted!  I'm sure I would have gotten into that at some point.  That is bothersome.  Plus, you know me, it wouldn't have stopped with the wine at play time.  More drinking in the evening!  Errrg!  I don't like imagining darker times, but it's good to every now and again.  Is this becoming a downer post again? Drats!  Let me end with my extremely honest gratitude for not being a drinker anymore.  No real cravings to speak of, no end in sight (in a good way).  It's just really cool.  I love no longer being a boozy mom/wife/woman/human.  It is awesome!! :) <3

Full of Love

What an awesome day. Attended our buddy's MFA show and then a crowded reception with some hip folks and bubbly flowing. I truly enjoyed not drinking. It was great. Our little guy was so good throughout. Beautiful evening outside for our family walk. Then I made a quiche for Mother's Day and here I am writing. I feel so happy to not be drinking. I feel like a real mother and a real person. It is amazing. I miss my dad so much. He would be so proud. I was calm and open and loving today. I am communicating well with my husband about different things and we are really connecting. Very thankful for it all.

Weekend Eve

Tired. No drinking. It's absolutely fine. Must be getting close to 40 days. I am doing it.

Brief Thoughts

Wow, another sober weekend under the old belt...how cool!  I am starting to realize how much alcohol simply doesn't matter.  It was so ingrained that I feel sad to say I'd kind of forgotten that it's completely unnecessary.  I had a few urges about "the future....", but they passed pretty quickly.  Went to Quaker meeting, worked in the garden, spent time with family, made some good Indian food, really just a bunch of awesome, simple things added up to be a productive and peaceful weekend.  Emotional at times, but it would be like that whether I was drinking or not.  It is so much better to feel clean.  I really want to keep this up.

Day 30

It is Day 30 today!  I have a long way to go but it's definitely an accomplishment.  The past 30 days have been really interesting.  Here is a summary of what has gone down:

- Realized it was time to stop drinking because I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol
- Consumed no alcohol beginning 3/21/2016
- Encountered some cravings here and there
- Had a really difficult night that caused me to want to drink but I did not; determined the biggest trigger for me is my grief
- Read Lotta Dann's "Mrs. D is Going Without", Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily", and Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking" within the first couple of weeks and gained a lot from each of them
- Started reading some really fantastic and honest sober blogs
- Attended 3 different AA meetings, the most recent of which was a great women's meeting that I would return to
- Began delving into my history of drinking and contemplating the how and why of my substance usage
- Began really thinking critically about alcohol in general and seeing it in a new light as an unnecessary part of life
- Started this blog and have written in it every day, sometimes multiple times a day; have found it to be a really effective release and outlet
- Joined Living Sober in order to participate in the online community there; it has been awesome so far
- Began reading the Big Book
- Lived the past 30 days alcohol free!

I am really happy today. Going to celebrate with some quality time with my family!  Much support going out to all celebrating their Day 30 today!

Two Meetings

Going to a women's AA meeting this evening....nervous but a little excited.  Why am I nervous?  It is new.  Unknown.  I don't want to be swarmed.  I was a little swarmed the first meeting I went to.  I will know to be prepared for that and to ask that my boundaries be respected if needed this time around.  I look forward to being in a group of women who are trying to maintain sobriety.  It's going to be okay. :)

Also, went to our Quaker meeting this morning.  It was wonderful.  Felt connected.  Thankful for this beautiful day.  It feels so good to be clear.  My soul feels clean.  Imperfect, but clean.  Free.

Calm, Cool, and Connect-y

Been lurking around a bunch of great sober/en route to sober blogs today, and even commented on a few...l'm in a connect-y mood. It was a really nice day today. I faced a few small things and stayed calm and really enjoyed my time with my son, my husband, and our dog. Very cool. It is so nice laying down here in my bed completely sober. I am doing well and I want to keep going. I actually feel great. Empowered. Thankful.