Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

Randomish

Weird day, weird night. I was angry today. I hate feeling that way. I just hate it so much. However, no drinking. No desire at all that I can remember. If any urge happened, it was extremely brief and fleeting. Had a good conversation about alcohol with my husband earlier while we cooked dinner. I went to the gym tonight and ran on the treadmill. I hoped it would help alleviate my anger. It was pretty awesome. I have never been a runner but maybe now. Never thought I'd be a non-drinker but here I am. You never know. Bereavement class and someone used the expression "new normal". I found that odd and fitting. Definitely in regards to the loss of a loved one, but also with not drinking, as I had used that exact saying in an earlier post today after thinking on that notion for the past few days. Cardinals also came up this evening. Someone mentioned them as a good sign. I had seen two cardinals this afternoon and had thought of my dad. That was so nice. I think of him all the time. When I close my eyes to sleep, the darkest images often awaken. It is so hard. No drinking though. It doesn't even matter. It is unnecessary. Sorry this post is so random. I'm a little all over the place. Maybe one day I will just be someone who used to drink. It will just be casual, like, oh yeah, I drank a long time ago. I stopped years ago. Time will tell.

Tough

Bereavement class this evening.  I always get there just a bit prior so I can go to my dad's grave.  It was very difficult tonight.  On the way there I thought about coping with alcohol.  I felt like what did it matter.  Things would be low whether I did it or not, so why not do it.  Or why do it.  It's all kind of futile.  I know that's a pretty bleak thought.  It's just how how I felt.  I actually felt a little like drinking but not too extreme.  Then it passed.  Then I went to the class.  This class is attended by a large number of older folks, all women except for one man.  Almost everyone has lost their spouse.  It is insane thinking about losing my husband.  My grief is different for my dad.  There is a lot of pain in just simply losing him, but I am also haunted by the end and that part is overwhelmingly tough to deal with sometimes.  Anyway, I suspect many of these women do not drink.  Some of them do.  Some of them might drink more than I realize.  Who knows.  But if there are women who don't drink, I thought about how they just exist with the pain.  They just live each day alone.  It seems like a toughness in a way, like drinking is pointless.  So in a way, it helped me.  It's easier to drink.  I didn't today.  I guess I'm a little tough.

I Miss Him

Struggling a bit. I miss him so much.

I Remain

Exhausted from a big day today.  Struggled with some pretty heavy feelings of regret and grief about my dad.  It is extremely difficult to grasp the reality that he is gone forever.  It is still so unbelievable.  The enormous future without him is so unfortunate and heartbreaking.  The loss of him is never going to change and never going to leave me.

I did have some thoughts about drinking, but I will say that they were managed well.  I found myself wanting to disappear into drinking, and then found myself seeing that it would really just make things worse.  It would blur/numb things for awhile, which was (and is) appealing, but then I would probably start feeling worse, then feel bad in the morning, with the loss still there.  The cravings were not anything overpowering.  I really appreciate that because it makes me feel like maybe they are not changing, but I am the one changing.  They are probably just the same as always, but I am becoming more equipped to ride them out.  They always disappear.  They come, they go, and I remain.

Something that helped later in the day was having a really open, honest conversation with my husband about a bunch of things that have been on my mind, mostly about my dad.  I am so lucky to have him- he is my best friend and truly my soulmate.  We went for a walk at the park this evening with our little guy and it was absolutely beautiful out.  It was so soothing.  I still have some really deep sadness right now, but it really helped spending time with my family.  It is a great feeling living each day clearly.  I have not had this in a long time.

Fridays and Living With Loss

Well, here it is Friday and this used to be the night that my husband and I would get our tiny man off to sleep, settle in on the couch with our little dog, watch Vikings and Project Runway Allstars, eat a fun dinner (usually Mexican..), and get our drink on. This will be the fifth Friday in our recent time that will include all of those things except the booze.  And you know what?  It is all good.  I am starting to feel like it's just another night of not drinking.  Not special because it's the weekend and yay let's drink (didn't we drink pretty much every night?), special because I get to hang with my love and enjoy the first night of the weekend.  It really is starting to feel like a comforting new normal.  I don't know if it's a pink cloud moving through or what.  I have had some tiny whispers of "Forever..? Really?.." here and there, but honestly, they have been super-brief and surprisingly rare.  I just feel so much better not drinking.  I really do.

The grief is my huge trigger.  I am so thankful for the support of my husband.  He is my best friend.  What would I do without him?  I think about that and it is so hard.  Those are the times when I wonder, is there a breaking point for my sobriety?  What is the worst thing that could happen and would I drink in that situation?  What if I lost my son?  How does one deal with that unimaginable loss without drinking?  How does one cope at all?  God, I just don't even know where to begin in thinking about that.  I am so sorry if anyone reading this has experienced that.  In the women's AA meeting, this exact scenario was brought up, as the speaker shared a very personal loss she'd experienced, the loss of her child.  She lived through it sober.  She said that life will happen.  You are going to lose people.  It is going to happen.  Not even losing people, bad things in general are going to happen.  And drinking does not help these things at all.  Not at all.  In fact, it makes things worse.  Before and after losing my dad, I don't think I understood that or really "got" it at all.  In thinking about this, I am realizing it has been experienced in several ways:

1)  Sober Not By Choice: I was pregnant when my dad died, and obviously I couldn't drink.  If I hadn't been pregnant, I probably would have been drinking pretty heavily at times.  It is likely a huge blessing that I couldn't drink because I was solely responsible for literally everything prior to and after his death.  I know I wouldn't have been as effective at tending to all of those things if I was drinking though them.  I also can't imagine having hangovers through all of that.  I think this early time was full of denial.  It helped me to cope I guess.  I still have a lot of denial, but the reality is beginning to be true to me.  It is almost a year.  I miss him so much.

2)  Not Sober/Drinking Frequently: After some time passed following the birth of my son (he was born about two months after my dad died), I began drinking rarely.  A beer, maybe once a week.  Then a bit more frequently.  Then a little more.  Then almost daily.  Not getting drunk each night by any stretch, but having alcohol almost every night.  I am beginning to realize that drinking did nothing to help my grief except stuff it down deeper into my soul.

3)  Sober By Choice: More time has passed since his death and I am now sober by choice.  If I do the math, it was just a few weeks shy of 10 months since his death that I stopped drinking.  It has only been a month since I stopped.  I am still so new to this, but I am hopeful that removing the alcohol will help me deal with my dad's death and the events leading up to it in a more effective way.  I am still very haunted by a lot of things.  I just feel a little bit more clean in dealing with stuff.  Again, still very new to it all.

Well, in thinking about all of this, I'm having a hard time right now but when I think about drinking, it is feeling negative and unnecessary.  So that's awesome.  Must focus on that.  My dad would be so proud of me not drinking.  He would get it.  He was never a drinker.  He would respect me.  He would also want me to enjoy this Friday.  It feels beautiful outside even though it looks like rain.  I could handle some rain.

Hope all are well who may be reading this.  Please feel free to comment or email me if you feel like sharing anything.

The "Bad Memory" List Grows Longer

Been struggling today. Not with wanting to drink (thank goodness), but with evaluating my place on the sphere of drinking. It has been a continued steady and often unhealthy drinking that has come to bother me. I have realized I really need to think critically about it. So many times I have just mindlessly had drinks (and other  stuff earlier on). Why mindlessly?  I don't have the answer yet. Easier to not think about it? Social acceptance and/or pressure? Coping? Naivety? Either way, I have been thinking about how I haven't been "that bad". Not that the thought makes me want to drink, but it makes me nervous for the future, potentially leading down the line to thinking "eh, I can handle it now". Anyway, I was just overcome with two sad memories of my unhealthy side of drinking. I want to share to remind myself, yes, I have a drinking problem:

- A few times here and there in the span of my drinking, I drank in the morning. I think those times were a symptom of depression. I don't remember getting drunk, but a beer or two before noon, and I think in one or two cases, before 9 or 10am. I'd forgotten about that. Haven't done that in several years. But still, I remember recognizing it was a problem and just doing it anyway.

- I got drunk (unintentionally- is that possible?) one night several years ago and had to drive home (had to?). I had been visiting with two old-time drinking friends, who I hadn't seen in a long time. It got late. I was a little over an hour away from home. I remember getting behind the wheel and just feeling drunk. I slowly made my way through the unfamiliar neighborhood. Got lost. Found my way to the highway. Pulled off at some point at a gas station to use the restroom. There was only one other person there, the attendant. I remember feeling vulnerable and him saying something that made me uncomfortable. Got back on the road as quickly as possible. Thankfully got home safely with no injury to myself or anyone. How horrible. It is chilling to think about all of the possibilities of what could have happened. My poor judgement, dangerous and reckless attitude, and utter stupidity make me very sick and upset.

So. I must keep adding to the bad memory list. It's depressing but necessary and of course I know there is more I am forgetting.

Signs of Strength

Well, the meeting was not an all-women meeting....bummer.  The AA schedule needs to be updated online.  Another non-love connection, but truly respected all who shared tonight.  I am going to find that women's meeting!  Something in the meetings has me wanting to continue.  Not sure about AA yet...but there is something there.  The sharing is just searingly real.  I really respond to the vulnerability.  Just looking for that particular connection.  On the way home I was in a pretty good mood and looking forward to seeing my husband.  Then I drove past the exit where my dad is buried and I just exploded with tears, sobbing on the beltway.  The pain absolutely took over.  Everything came crashing over me without warning.  Drove the rest of the way and even as upset as I felt, I also realized I had no desire to drink.  Not a shred of desire.  A couple of weeks ago, I would absolutely have stopped by the liquor store to get something to cope, or to get something for a happy Sunday night with my husband (to match whichever feeling- celebrate, time together!...or..cope, the grief is just awful and unbearable).  Anyway, got home, talked at length with my husband about the experience, cried a bit more, just basically let it out.  He was completely supportive and awesome. God I love him so much. We ate dinner and watched Chopped and then snuggled with our dog on the couch.  Now time for sleep.  I am exhausted but feeling a ray of strength as well.  Tomorrow will be my 29th day.  Almost to 30.  How cool is that?

The Known and Unknown

Good evening to all in this weird, wonderful world.  I thought about going to a meeting tonight but I decided to attend one tomorrow that is specifically for women only. I'm interested in sitting in on that community.  Tonight it will be baseball on tv, fun/fizzy/non-booze drinks, snacks, time with my husband and dog, and laughing hearing our son making noises over the monitor as he falls asleep.

I have an odd sort of sadness in me right now.  I'm okay, just...not quite all there.  I had a great day doing a lot of outside/yard/planting stuff.  Hung out with my family.  It was fantastic.  I don't really know where the sadness is coming from.  This morning I just had a random urge to talk about God with my husband while we were making breakfast (before coffee...eek).  I think I'm a little unhappy with my spirituality.  It feels lost.  Kind of lonesome.  We attend Quaker meetings pretty regularly, but I missed last week, so maybe that's part of it.  The beauty in the world, the confusion, joy, evil, disease, and pain.  Life and death.  Love.  I don't know how God fits in honestly.  Is God only the good?  Is God everything?  Including the nightmares, the war, the terror and abuse?  Is God there in my son babbling quietly in his crib?  Is God in recovery?  In addiction?  I would like to believe in mystery and in magic.  I am open and comfortable with not knowing, never knowing.  The searching is important.  I like the Quaker meetings, the quiet openness to God or spirituality or prayer or anything.  I think I just feel a little unsettled right now.  I am aching a bit and must need to shore up my spiritual "home".  I find much comfort in my family and in music, nature, animals.  In many ways they are my God.  Missing my Dad always.