Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 225: Boo!

Happy Halloween :)! I love this holiday- it is so much fun!  In the past it was a big-time excuse to get my drink on (when wasn't??).  Now I have no desire to drink.  I am so much more at peace with things.  So thankful that right now, I not only do not drink, but I do not WANT to drink.  Much love.

Day 222: Oreos Before Bed? Don't Mind If I Do..

It's Friday! No drinking here. Tonight it feels like alcohol really has lost power over me. I just don't want it. I am so thankful for that because I know this feeling can come and it can go. I am just grateful to experience it, right now. Much love to you out there.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 217: Bright Fall Day

Grooving right along on Day 217. Not much to share besides it was a beautiful, spiritual day spent with my family.  I am overwhelmed with love for them. Alcohol was a non-issue today and I am so, so thankful for that. With much love always.

Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 213: Let This Please Continue

A really nice day today. Baby story time with my son at the library, lots of playing, productivity, patience, bonding, pizza. I even made a little music today. That hasn't happened in a while. I can't recall any booze urge today. So thankful for that. Whatever is going on in my head and heart, let it please continue. With love to you, wherever you are.

Day 210: Looking Ahead

Busy weekend but not much to speak of, boozish-wise. I've just generally been really thankful to not be drinking and to be closing in on 7 months. What an accomplishment for me. Soon come the holidays, the new year, my birthday. It would be so wonderful to reach age 35 as a happily sober person. That needs to be the gift I give to myself. One step at a time, with much love always.

P.S. Bob Ross is on Netflix!!

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.

Day 124: The Sober Loop

What a weird day.  I hate feeling glad that a day is ending but all told, this one was kinda tough.  Nothing too bad, but still.  I am emotionally tired, if that makes sense.  Had a random thought of wanting to drink while I put the groceries away....it faded quickly.  Getting our tiny man off to sleep is always such a highlight.  He is so sweet and awesome.  I love him so much and I am so glad to not be on the "drinking treadmill" anymore.  It's normal now for me to just open the fridge for some water/cranberry juice/etc.  Before, my normal was much more dysfunctional (booze).  Sorry for the random post- not much to share today but I just want to stay in the loop, my loop, your loop, the sober loop.  I hope all are well, and sending much support and love to you, wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with.

Day 120: Not Drinking Continues To Be AWESOME!

Hello! I have really missed writing in my blog. This class I'm taking is insane- I will be done in a couple of weeks so I hope I'll have more time (will be starting 2 more classes, but they will be more drawn out over the fall semester).  I really need to make it more of a priority to write and also keep up with my sober comrades.  I was so devoted to writing every single day for my 100 days- then I let it slip once and boom, I've made a habit of it.

Some assorted things of note:

It is still so awesome to not be drinking.  I love it, I really do.  I can't believe I drank for so long.  It really got away from me, or maybe became a part of me is more accurate.  I hate that.  If only I'd have stopped a long time ago.  It's cool- I wasn't ready.  I am just so thankful that nothing major/horrible happened, because I definitely endangered myself and sometimes others on occasion.  I have deep shudders in my soul about that.

My husband and I have been longing to move away from where we live.  We have a lot of personal reasons of why that are not uncommon: high cost of living, unsafe, schools are so-so.  We dream of moving but it is really hard to think about leaving family.  We don't see them constantly or anything but we are pretty close to them all, distance-wise.  We both keep coming back to wanting to make a better life for our son and ourselves, and that just seems to be hovering above it all.  The importance of wanting to give our son a more peaceful, inclusive, safe environment means a lot to us.  Of course, so does having his grandparents and aunt & uncle in his life.  Those relationships mean a lot and it has been so hard thinking about that being lessened if we move halfway across the country.

My biggest point in bringing this up is that one day I was daydreaming about living in another place and had a thought like "huh, we could have some friends over for dinner in the new location (we know a few people there)..but I wouldn't drink wine with dinner.."  I have no idea why that popped in there, but there it was.  When did wine become a necessary part of life????  The thought moved along down the dusty trail as I made a conscious effort to tell myself that wine or beer or any type of alcohol is just simply not at all needed or necessary.  It is a lie!  A lie that is very casual and a lie that I've found myself a part of for a really long time, but a lie all the same.  It's important for me to understand that, and I am really getting there.  When I consciously have to "un-urge" myself (or whatever it may be called..?), for example consciously telling myself drinking isn't necessary, it's crucial for me to really believe that.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I don't want to just hear myself saying the words because I am afraid that I am just placating myself.  Maybe that's okay sometimes, but I don't want to regularly do that.  I want to believe in what I am saying to myself, have faith in it, draw strength from it, see the reality of it, and move on.

Had a thought about the future imagining my son asking if I want anything to drink, and I was in love with the thought of me saying "Sure, water would be great, thank you!" and really meaning it!  Not like "Sure, water would be great (BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER!)"..I love actually genuinely wanting/preferring an AF drink!!  This is still new for me!  Yes, on Day 120 I am still amazed by the new normal of not drinking and it not being a big deal.

Love being in this class while not drinking.  It will be an incredible accomplishment to get through all prerequisites for nursing and all of nursing school completely sober!  That is an exhilarating thought!  That is several years away.  A good goal!

I have noticed my anger (more like tantrums) have really subsided the past several weeks.  That is awesome, I was scared I had become a weird new demon that got supper-agitated at the littlest stuff forever!  What a sad and unpredictable way to live!  Maybe it was the non-boozing evening itself out, maybe it was grief, maybe a combo of the two.

Still have a ton of grief.  Still cry myself  to sleep many nights.  It is so sad.  I wish I could let the difficult end days go but they are just so burned in my memory right now.  I have noticed some happy thoughts/memories popping in here and there, though.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to dwell- it was such a traumatizing experience though.  I am giving it time.  I have never been in a rush to get past anything at all.  I have come to accept that it will exist with me forever, good and bad.  Someone told me that you don't "get over" the death of a loved one, you basically just learn to adjust to it more as time goes on.  I feel so good to not be drinking through the grief.  My dad would be so extremely proud of my quitting.  I really wish I could share it with him.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I hope everyone is doing well and sending much love and support to you always.

Day 110: First Sober Bar Experience- Done

Been on my first blog hiatus- I missed you, blog.  I have just been doing really well and studying a lot for a major test..somehow the days got away from me, which I guess is a good thing.  I loved blogging every day for my 100 days and I still intend to post but maybe not as frequently.  Feeling great about being at Day 110 today, although the gun violence in this country is so hard to understand.  I am so upset about the events in St. Paul, Baton Rouge, and Dallas.  It's like we are reliving the same situations over and over again.  I hate to be bleak but it feels hopeless here sometimes.

I want to keep this focused on booze/quitting booze however, so I thought I would share an experience I had last night- it involved going to a bar (!) and not drinking (!!!!!).  I met my good friend (the one I told early on about quitting drinking- she is awesome) at a trendyish coffee shop but we determined that they didn't have enough in the way of good eats for us.  We decided to go to this bar/restaurant (after my friend asked if it was okay with me- very kind of her and I told her I thought it would be fine- plus I was curious how I'd take it).  This place used to be somewhat of a hangout for boozy me.  So, we went there and immediately I had a feeling wash over me of, huh, not drinking, this is weird, a tiny bit of a drag.  A feeling of nostalgia for the many boisterous times there with friends.  And then, it struck me- I never actually liked the alcohol there.  In fact, I ALWAYS ended up feeling like crap after I drank there.  Their beer just never sat well with me (never stopped me, of course...sigh).  They brew their own and it's a little fancy and I guess my body just never learned how to process it (why should it learn- that is horrible!).  Not only that, I consciously reminded myself that alcohol is completely unnecessary to hang out with my friend.  I simply don't need it.  It's all about just spending time together, catching up, eating some good food, and hanging.  So my longing/urge faded very quickly.  It hadn't even been particularly strong though I acknowledged it did exist- probably a normal/expected amount of existence.  I was going to order something cool like lime and selzer but I just settled on good old Coca Cola.  Had two actually- got a little buzzed on caffeine.

My whole point with this ramblingness is that I conquered my first bar experience and it was completely fine.  I see time and again that my true trigger is grief and extremely dark feelings about the loss of my dad, but even then it really hasn't been anything that worried me or seriously tempted me besides the one major time early on.  So hooray!  Not planning to be hanging out in bars or anything but I enjoy being able to be flexible about where to hang with friends.  It will be interesting to go to a place that I loved drinking at.  I wonder if I'm ready.  Not rushing out there, that's for sure.  Really, my favorite place to drink was at home and that feels pretty conquered, so I am grateful for that.

Wishing all well who were involved in the recent events this week across the country.  Much love to you.

Day 104: My Life is My Own

What is my life now, without alcohol?

My life is my own.

I have goals now.  I have never had goals before.  I long to be a nurse, a caring, competent provider to patients and families in the most vulnerable times of life.  I am working toward this goal slowly and surely, and I am doing it completely sober.  I know that by being sober I will be an immeasurably better nurse.  There will be no hangovers, no resentment for being on-call and thus being unable to drink, no embarrassing myself in front of respected colleagues at a work function because of drunken behavior.  No medication errors from a foggy brain focused on getting home to drink.  No escaping the darkness of what I will see through consuming alcohol, repressing the images and feelings until one day they swallow me whole.  I see myself facing life and death with the clarity, bravery, and humility each deserves.  I see lifelong learning, enthusiasm, wisdom, grief, heights and depths.  I see compassion.  I see love.  I see my father.

I have self-respect.  I am caring for my son with more maturity and grace.  It feels like I am giving him truth, presence, and my complete self as a mother.  I am beginning to own my mistakes and learn from them.  I believe in myself more.  My self-confidence hasn't ever been lost in the gutter, but I've never been the kind of person who is entirely sure of herself.  I like that I am able to depend on myself more now.  I struggle with tiny things and monumental things, none of which are affected by alcohol, besides the odd urge here and there.  I stopped something that was as simple and as complex as putting down a bottle.  I mourn the time I have lost due to drinking and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I have gained by not drinking.

In order to continue moving forward I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself more.  I need to listen more.  I need to listen to others, to myself, to God.  The static seems to be lifting a little bit and I am more equipped to really hear what exists to be heard.  Much love always.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 91: Father's Day

Where have the days been going? Time is moving along. A tough day today but also had some really beautiful moments with my family. Morning found the three of us enjoying time together with at a playground under shady trees. Later a lovely  extended family lunch and then home just us three, cooking veggie dogs on the grill and watching our sweet dog frolick. So grateful to not be stuck in an endless cycle of drinking. Drinking could have killed so many of these quiet, private moments I cherish. I am starting to close in on 100 days. How strange. I love it. I hurt so much missing my dad but he was a wonderful father and I honor his memory every day in the love I give my son. Much love.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 89: I Have My Life Back

So glad to not be on the booze treadmill (as Mrs. D called it) anymore. I am just so thankful for this. I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. Before it was a cycle of the same thoughts surrounding alcohol. I am only on the eve of my 90th day, and that still seems very early. So I am just moving along here. I still have all the mess and joy of life now, but it is like I have my life back. It is major.

Day 83: I'm Still Sober, And It Still Rules

Tomorrow is going to be a big day and I am just thankful I won't have a hangover to kick the morning off with since tonight marks another Saturday night spent boozeless. I don't even miss it. You never know when an urge/craving/yearning/thought will strike, but really for me it is increasingly manageable. Some days I don't even feel I need to share how it's going, because it's just..good. However, I want to hit 100 days with a post every day, documenting the time and the ups and downs. I think it's important for me to stay aware, process things, so I can move on stronger and more secure, and post when more meaningful moments happen (good or bad). I hope to make it to that point. Until then, you can find me here, typing away, each word as sober as the last. Mucho love.