Day 227: Part 2

Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.

Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.

I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.

For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.

Day 211: Blue Sky

It probably seems like I spend a lot of my time obsessing about not drinking- I mean, I (try to) write a daily blog about it for goodness sake!  But I really do not think about it much.  It has gotten to the point where it's my new normal and as such, it's just part of my routine.  I love that!!  It's something I feared would never happen when I was earlier on in the sobersphere.

Sometimes my blog is the only notable time I think about alcohol at all, which I think is a great thing because stuff is always bubbling around there in the nether-regions of my brain, as evidenced by the many words that flow out about not drinking.  So it's great to get it out.

The town we moved to is small and it is so different from where we used to live.  Before, booze was a definite part of the local environment.  Liquor stores all over the place, people doing their thing, drugging, bars all around.  There was this one spot I used to get my wine/beer at- sometimes it would have a full parking lot before 11am.  No joke, a full lot.  Where we are now, it is so much sleepier. There is even a college nearby and you would seriously never know it.  It's not a drinking town at all.  There's like..2 bars?  No liquor stores I can think of in the downtown area.  I'm sure they exist but they are super low key, so low key I haven't even noticed them.  I absolutely love that we are now in a place that just doesn't seem to care about alcohol, or at least hasn't bought into pushing it down the community's throat, as it were.  I get really excited thinking about my son growing up in a culture that isn't permeated by booze, both inside and outside of our house.

Having a good day and wanted to share.  The mads have been kept at bay for some reason, so I'm stoked about that.  Much love and peace to all those in need or in pain, whether physical, emotional, or all of the above.

Day 103: Problem Drinker

I just finished reading Sober is the New Black, by Rachel Black.  Really great book!!  It's a quick read- left me wanting more.  Relate so much to the author's language and experiences with boozing/quitting booze.  Very cool woman, insightful, honest.  I loved it and highly recommend to those searching for a positive recovery book that isn't all about the "before"- there is some description here and there of "Then" and "Now", but it is largely a book documenting the first year of this gal's sobriety.  I'm not into the books that revolve around the debauchery of drinking- I want to read about the recovery experience.

While reading, I of course thought about my own habits and experiences.  I remembered other situations in which the event I was a part of revolved around alcohol (whether in my head only or for all involved).  It really makes me sad to think back to so many years of being consumed by wanting to catch a buzz (of some sort).  How did I get like that?  I never could stop.  Never learned how to stop.  Never cared to learn how to say "that's enough for me" or "no thanks".

There is a point in the book that the author talks about considering having a drink ("What's the big deal?") and then thinks about it further and understands that she will never be able to moderate.  That she had tried moderating for years and was unsuccessful, and in fact, got worse.  Why would she be able to take periods off, be able to take it or leave it, after having that one drink?  She would not be able to.  I am exactly the same way.  If I drank now, I see that it would lead to more drinking.  I wouldn't be able to have a drink at dinner tonight, then a drink in a month or 2, then a drink at the holidays, etc.  Why on earth would I think otherwise?  If I have one, I have instantly given myself permission to do it again.  I would be a drinker again.  It wouldn't be casual, even if I managed to convince myself it was.  Even if I literally did follow that "schedule" of a drink now, and then one again in weeks or months' time.  I would be miserable.  I would anxiously await the time I could drink again.  The time between would get shorter and shorter, and I would get more down on myself especially if I was failing at personal "goals", and then I would decide to drown the ole sorrows.  I can see it and it sucks.  I do not want to be that person anymore.

Not sure if this means I am coming closer to admitting I am an alcoholic.  I feel like saying, well what the heck else could I be??  I can't have "just one", I've had to abstain entirely, I blog about my experience GETTING SOBER, I have been to AA....what else is it going to take to admit it??

I think I hold back because I am a mother now.  It's weird logic, I know.  Before I had my son, if I would have gone into this phase of life (sober phase), I think I would be a lot more comfortable saying that I am an alcoholic, using that label, etc.  It affected only me.  But now I have my beautiful little dude, and being his mother, I feel like it makes me sound like less of a mother- maybe not less, but not as "good" of a mother.  It tarnishes it.  I know that's horrible to say, particularly because there are so many awesome moms out there who are self-proclaimed alcoholics or recovered alcoholics or what have you.  It's like you stop drinking and you immediately have a label forever...ALCOHOLIC!  ALCOHOLIC!  It's depressing, no?  I don't want to be 30 years sober and still call myself an alcoholic.  It seems so sad.  It's like, I was an alcoholic when I was drinking!  Now I am NOT one, because I have stopped!  Sigh.  Who knows.  I feel I am content with the label "problem drinker".  Maybe it's a cop out.  I feel like it's admitting I had/have a problem and can't drink like a "normal" person, but still doesn't carry the weight that "alcoholic" does.

Anyhoo- hope all are well :). Much love.

Day 68: Bittersweet

I really love how Sober At 53 has included her sober day within each title, and I'm going to continue following suit.  It makes it easy to personally keep track of what day I'm on, and also enables folks visiting to click right to the day they are interested in reading more about.

I've also found peace with the sobriety counter puzzle I'd been trying to solve. I felt weird saying I was, for example, 60 days sober, if it was only Day 60 (thus not a full 60 days...only 59 and 1/2, etc).  It's like I wanted to ensure that I was obsessively honest about my amount of sober time...I mean, who knows, maybe that Day 60 I would go off the deep end and go to the liquor store that evening, thus never making my true 60 days?  And so, this type of overthinking has finally led me to officially being cool with being a Day XX gal.  It's just easier and less mental energy to say "I'm on Day 68" versus "I'm on Day 68, so technically I only have 67 days sober, but I seriously doubt I'll have a drink or go on a bender this evening, but you never know, and one day at a time, and.."AHHH! :)

Happy Friday to all.   It is the start of a long holiday weekend here.  For a moment while I was doing the dishes I had a sigh of huh, no drinking this weekend.  It was 7:30am- you never do know when those urges will come.  It was a little mournful.  Then, as has been the case, the sober part of my brain came in and said, you know, it lies. The alcohol lies.  You don't need it and it will never be just one and the weekend is going to kick butt because you will be with your lovely family.  And then I didn't want to drink.  It was so nice.  Mrs. D talked a lot about retraining your brain, and I think I've begun to successfully do this.

So, this long weekend is quite a bittersweet one.  I am so, so looking forward to having an extra day with my husband at home.  We are going to love being together with our little man and little dog.  No plans to go anywhere, no racing to be a certain place at a certain time, nothing like that.  Very rare, normally we would need to be doing that as part of a holiday or occasion.  Not that it isn't great seeing family, because it truly is....but sometimes time with just ourselves gets a bit squeezed out.  So yes, very much looking forward to this time together.

The tough part of the weekend is that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  It has been very tough coping with this loss, as you know.  I am extremely emotional about it and the grief has by far been my biggest trigger.  I get to thinking who cares, it hurts so much, drinking is meaningless compared to a loss like this.  Which is completely faulty thinking, I know.  It's just how it begins for me.  I'm feeling strong right now, but you and I both know how quickly that can change.  So please do wish me well.

One last thing- I haven't been writing as much about my grief because I have wanted to refocus this blog back to the whole point of me starting it: to document my journey of stopping drinking.  I just like including feelings about the loss because I have not found much at all written about the relationship between getting sober and dealing with death.  It is also very healing to write about it.  Much love.

It Has Not Been Easy!!!

Okay, I just published that previous post, and now I immediately regret saying it has been (relatively) "easy" getting sober.  That is the wrong word.  I should have said it has been EMPOWERING getting sober, and that feeling has made it easier to maintain not drinking.  I just feel better not drinking, so I keep not doing it.  It is the truth!  But earlier on, especially the first couple of weeks, it was HARD!  And I have come out the other side completely sober.  No slips, no secret drinks.  Here is a depressing admission: early on at one point I thought, well I might drink, and if I do, I'll just shut down my blog and go hide.  Easy as that.  Ridiculous!  Now I can honestly say, the last thing I want to do is hide if something like that happens.  The reality of the difficulty of stopping and maintaining stopping is intense.  The vulnerability it takes to share when you have urges, share when you are feeling weak, and share when you fall or cave in- this is all a part of life and to be honored and absolutely can be related to be others.  I know when I have read about other people's relapses or cravings, or heard about them in person at a meeting, it doesn't make me feel badly about them or judge them AT ALL.  It is absolutely the opposite.  So yeah, maybe it was a little pink cloud talking.  I do not want to minimize the work it has been to maintain not drinking- it has been real, honest-to-God WORK!  But such good work!  Such valid and important work.  Must maintain it.  Much, much love to all.  Sorry for all the caps, by the way!

Doomed to Rage??

Errrrg, something is wrong.  I have some serious anger that isn't going away.  It's such a secret, too.  Most people truly would never know.  I need to get to the bottom of things.  I try not to but I just have tiny explosions around the house.  Only the dog knows.  And my son, although I really do try to unleash my little ragey demon in another room.  I feel like such a monster.  It comes from such small stuff.  Not every little thing, but it's unpredictable.  I absolutely despise it!!! I never thought of myself as an angry person- never!  Have I just never effectively released anger my whole life, and now it's just leaking out in unhealthy ways?  Is it more to do with my dad and the loss and everything leading up to his death and unresolved stuff?  Is it being a new mom?  Is it not drinking?  Is it normal to have this anger because the emotions have been dulled for so long and this is still so new?  If so, when does it stop?? What is wrong with me?  Through it all, no desire to drink...a little sober beam of light. But jeez, I need to calm down.  Do I analyze the why behind the anger or do I just let it roll and find healthy ways to release it because as they say, anger is normal and healthy?  Ugh.

Obsessing! Ugh!

I have a question for any AA folks who might come across this...do you get your milestone chip on the day itself or the day after?  As in, today is Day 30 for me, but technically I have only 29 days sober under my belt since the 30th day isn't over. Would it be more appropriate to obtain your chip on Day 31, thereby technically having "30 days"?  I don't mean to obsess or overthink this.  I inquired about this on the Living Sober website and people were awesome and basically said, just chill and own the days.  I am just curious is all.  Not planning to get the chip today, or necessarily at all, who knows, but if I do (or the 60 Day chip, or One Year for that matter....not trying to get ahead of myself, eek!), I just want it to be an honest/accurate count of sobriety.  Some seem to measure in days, some in months, some in years, some not at all.  I guess it's safer to get it the day after.  Since after all, it is "one day at a time" in AA............agggghhh, why am I obsessing about this??  Better than drinking I suppose :).