Day 234: Alcohol Has No Home Here

What can I say today.  Feeling very heavy-hearted as I know many others are.  For now, I just want to focus on the fact that I have absolutely, positively no desire at all to drink.  No desire to "drown my sorrows".  No compulsive need to numb, escape, self-destruct.  I do not want or need alcohol at all.  I am so proud to say that.  My dad would be so proud of that too, and I wish I could share that with him. Tough day.  Much love.

Day 229: Fall

Fall is such a beautiful season.  The trees are so lovely and it just feels like walking inside of a painting with all of the color and light.

Sadly, I get a little down at this time because it reminds of of when my father was diagnosed with cancer, his surgery and initial time in the hospital, the beginning of when everything changed.  These are powerful thoughts and memories.  They are overpowered only by the very end, the time leading up to and after his death, the memories of which I cannot bear in a lot of ways.  I don't know if it sounds selfish to say this, but I feel so completely traumatized by everything.  I do not blame him or anybody, in any way for this.  It was just a very helpless time and moved so fast, and was so hard.  I do wish someone had told me to stop more often and just hold my dad's hand.  Just stop and sit with him,  There was so much to do, so much I was responsible for, and I think it helped to be distracted by it all because in some ways it kept me going, but I will never have that opportunity to hold his hand, ever again.  I will never be able to just BE with him.  I wish someone had told me that it is beyond words to lose someone like that, and that all you have at that moment is the brief time, and to just exist together and be thankful and grateful, and to forgive and be forgiven.  I am honored to have been by his side, and I am also shattered.

I still struggle with the grief on a daily basis.  I wake up sometimes feeling very alone with the ache of loss.  I miss him so much and I often have no idea where to put the pain.  I just live with it, quietly carrying it in my heart.  It really hasn't gone away at all.  I see people that look very similar to him in the world and it completely unnerves me.  What a lonesome feeling, to see a stranger that looks just like my dad, to see him and not see him all at once.  It is truly like seeing a ghost.  It is not comforting for me.  It feels like I'm insane when that happens, because all I want to do is go to the person and hold him and be held by him.

My dad was far from perfect, and I have very few illusions about this, but it will never change the fact that above all, he loved me unconditionally, and for that I am so lucky and grateful.  And I miss that so much.

The thing that I am so overwhelmingly proud of is that I am not drinking my way through this.  Not anymore.  I hardly ever think about drinking anymore.  It feels like I have finally begun disconnecting myself from it, from its booze claws, if you will.

Sorry for the bummer post...but sending much love always to those dealing with loss, with addiction, or with both.

Day 228: Stunted

Still kind of taken aback that I don't think about drinking much at all anymore.  Boy, it sure used to be in my head...all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that becoming increasingly addicted to substances led to me not learn how to become an adult in a lot of ways.  I think it stunted me emotionally.  I was numbed out and it contributed to my immaturity, lack of self-confidence, lack of ambition, inability to effectively deal with anger, increased histrionic behavior.  It's like part of me has just remained a teenager, which is when I started getting into assorted things. I think these are some things I am trying to just get a handle on now and learn how to process and move on from.

This all stems from when I caught myself thinking a sad thought this morning.  I had a great, involved morning with my son, prepared to take the dog for a walk with him, little things started happening, I felt myself getting pissed off, I made myself be aware of it and tried to chill out, but felt emotions escalate until I snapped at our dog, and of course immediately felt like a monster. Enter the sad thought:

"Maybe I need to drink so that I can keep my anger subdued.."

What the....?  It was such a bummer thought- only alcohol can tame my pissiness?  NEED to drink?  Am I am incapable of learning effective strategies of anger management?  Have I even tried?  Why is booze my only option?  Why is it my savior?  Why did I even think this?  Another knee-jerk?  ????

I don't think it was serious, but again, I was haunted by the thought.  It's really clear I have some issues.  I think part of it is that dumb things happen in life and for much of the time, I have coasted through them via substances- I count cigarettes in this equation.  So it's truly no wonder I have no idea how to have a normal reaction to relatively tame things.  I need to learn how to adult more effectively!!

On the plus side, had a great walk, feeling good now, thankful, no desire to drink.  Much love always.

Day 227: Part 2

Hi again. I am feeling weird and sheepish about my previous post. I feel like I was whining about nothing when other people have real shit they are coping with, minute to minute. I am really sorry if I offended anyone with my blatherings, re: my small problems. It really was a rough day yesterday, nothing earth-shattering, but stress about health coverage for my son, etc has really been weighing on me.

Sometimes (most times) I just write and it's not particularly meaningful or profound. I just need to keep going, keep writing, quanity over quality right now.

I am in awe of all the survivors, teachers, healers, parents, children, everyone fighting their fight through darkest odds. I feel like it is an honor to be sober now and I am proud of this aspect of life. I never could see it before. It feels like I have begun to solve a mystery, at long last.

For all those who have conquered or continue to battle addiction, I sincerely commend you with much love, support, and an open heart always.

Day 227: Demons

Last night capped off a silly/woe-is-me day. Conversations with insurance companies, long lines and folks with 'tudes at the grocery store, just sort of one thing after another all darn tootin' day.  My dog even did some naughty stuff..twice...  She peed on the rug first thing in the morning (5:30am), then later she inexplicably got an uncooked bag off quinoa off the counter and ripped it apart on the floor.  Awesome :(.

At some point in the evening, a weird voice popped in my head......."I wish I could drink.."...  I heard and honestly, it scared me a little.  It didn't sound like me.  I don't know who it sounded like.  A hollow version of me?  I listened to it echoing and shuddered a little bit.  I gave in for a minute and thought, "could I even make that happen?.." and realized immediately that it would be impossible to fulfill, logistically-speaking.  Then I realized it wasn't even true- I didn't want to drink at all.  It was a knee-jerk reaction to a stressful day. And it faded.  It really did.  I didn't think about boozing for the rest of the evening- I realize that now.

I am still battling these booze demons.  It's still early days.  Perhaps even after 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety, some days will still feel like early days.  Wishing all well and much love and strength to you as you battle your own demons, whatever they may be.

Day 226: Cold Medicine?

I have been a bit under the weather and rundown from a cold the past few days, and the slightly rough part is that I'm uncomfortable with taking any cold medicine that contains alcohol.  I've taken some non-alcohol stuff and it just really hasn't helped too much.  I have responded well to Nyquil in the (boozy) past and I'm wishing I could take it now, but I'm scared of how it might affect me or if it would flip the tiniest of switches in my head and turn me toward drinking sooner or later.  I don't want to underestimate the potential for this to happen.  How sad would it be to start drinking again after taking little ole Nyquil??  I am trying not to have any illusions about anything and anticipate as much as possible.  Anyone ever have experience with this?  Still happy to not be drinking.  Happy November to all with much love.

Day 225: Boo!

Happy Halloween :)! I love this holiday- it is so much fun!  In the past it was a big-time excuse to get my drink on (when wasn't??).  Now I have no desire to drink.  I am so much more at peace with things.  So thankful that right now, I not only do not drink, but I do not WANT to drink.  Much love.

Day 222: Oreos Before Bed? Don't Mind If I Do..

It's Friday! No drinking here. Tonight it feels like alcohol really has lost power over me. I just don't want it. I am so thankful for that because I know this feeling can come and it can go. I am just grateful to experience it, right now. Much love to you out there.

Day 221: Day 220 Slipped By!

Didn't get a chance to write yesterday but all is well and boozeless. Not much more to share right now. Much love always.

Day 219: Time is Passing and I'm Not Drinking and It Is Awesome

Thankful for Day 219. Better today. Goofy, thoughtful, loving, and mostly calm day. Support and love to all those in early days and in later days.

Day 218: Feeling a Little Down

I savored my weekend but today has been a little rough. Just feeling kind of down.  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I assume that's part of it.  Don't feel like drinking at all, though.  It still seems weird to type that, but it's 100% true, it really is.  Trying to hold others in the light and I ought to do the same for myself.  Hoping tomorrow is better.  Sending love to all in need.

Day 217: Bright Fall Day

Grooving right along on Day 217. Not much to share besides it was a beautiful, spiritual day spent with my family.  I am overwhelmed with love for them. Alcohol was a non-issue today and I am so, so thankful for that. With much love always.

Day 216: Unencumbered

Such a genuinely good day today. Time together with my husband, my son, my dog. A fall festival in town and no wishing I could drink, no distraction or obsession, no longing for alcohol at all. Unconcerned and unencumbered. I am so thankful. It feels so free to live like this. With love.

Day 215: 7 Months

Seven months today. I feel like a person again. It's such a breath of relief in my soul. How did I ever get so lost inside of alcohol? I never want to go there again. It was mindless, obsessive, reckless, false, and unproductive all at once. If I drink again, I feel that I would slip back there. I can see it. Proud of myself today. Never cocky though. I have a long way to go before I truly find peace. I am so much happier with myself now. Not drinking has gotten so much more comfortable for me as well. I am thankful for today. Much love always.

Day 214: Flying By

Wow, the sober days truly do just start flying by.  It is so crazy that tomorrow is 7 months for me.  If I really consider it, this is such a big deal.  I had no idea how I would feel and thankfully at this point, there are very few times where I feel like drinking.  Whenever those times happen, they just never seem to last.  I am a lot happier with this new normal.  I've had a few drinking dreams and always wake up haunted and so glad they weren't real.  This is such an accomplishment!!!

I ought to find a group to go to at some point here in our new town.  It's a good supportive environment to experience every now and again for me, whether I feel like drinking or not.  Helps in holding things in the light.

Had a discussion with my husband about the holidays approaching and how at first I thought perhaps I'd get a bottle of wine as a present for someone and had realized I had no reason to do that at all, for them and for me.  He said he no longer wants to give alcohol as a present to anyone because we have no idea of that person's relationship with alcohol.  I thought that was such an insightful, sensitive reasoning.  It blew me away.

Hope all are well out there and much love to you.

Day 213: Let This Please Continue

A really nice day today. Baby story time with my son at the library, lots of playing, productivity, patience, bonding, pizza. I even made a little music today. That hasn't happened in a while. I can't recall any booze urge today. So thankful for that. Whatever is going on in my head and heart, let it please continue. With love to you, wherever you are.

Day 212: The Past and Beyond

Crazy how a memory can just destroy you a little bit, in such an unexpected instant.  Things hit me all the time, reminding me of my dad.  It is still so hard.  I suspect it always will be.

A strong feeling of contentment with not drinking.  It was so out of hand before.  I really have to keep going and look back only with the wisdom that being sober is so much better for my life.  I can only be grateful for right now, and know that I can't take not drinking for granted.

Not much else to share.  Been a little out of sorts today but also weirdly productive.   Much love always.

Day 211: Blue Sky

It probably seems like I spend a lot of my time obsessing about not drinking- I mean, I (try to) write a daily blog about it for goodness sake!  But I really do not think about it much.  It has gotten to the point where it's my new normal and as such, it's just part of my routine.  I love that!!  It's something I feared would never happen when I was earlier on in the sobersphere.

Sometimes my blog is the only notable time I think about alcohol at all, which I think is a great thing because stuff is always bubbling around there in the nether-regions of my brain, as evidenced by the many words that flow out about not drinking.  So it's great to get it out.

The town we moved to is small and it is so different from where we used to live.  Before, booze was a definite part of the local environment.  Liquor stores all over the place, people doing their thing, drugging, bars all around.  There was this one spot I used to get my wine/beer at- sometimes it would have a full parking lot before 11am.  No joke, a full lot.  Where we are now, it is so much sleepier. There is even a college nearby and you would seriously never know it.  It's not a drinking town at all.  There's like..2 bars?  No liquor stores I can think of in the downtown area.  I'm sure they exist but they are super low key, so low key I haven't even noticed them.  I absolutely love that we are now in a place that just doesn't seem to care about alcohol, or at least hasn't bought into pushing it down the community's throat, as it were.  I get really excited thinking about my son growing up in a culture that isn't permeated by booze, both inside and outside of our house.

Having a good day and wanted to share.  The mads have been kept at bay for some reason, so I'm stoked about that.  Much love and peace to all those in need or in pain, whether physical, emotional, or all of the above.

Day 210: Looking Ahead

Busy weekend but not much to speak of, boozish-wise. I've just generally been really thankful to not be drinking and to be closing in on 7 months. What an accomplishment for me. Soon come the holidays, the new year, my birthday. It would be so wonderful to reach age 35 as a happily sober person. That needs to be the gift I give to myself. One step at a time, with much love always.

P.S. Bob Ross is on Netflix!!

Day 209: Standing Up

The days have slipped along untouched by alcohol and for that I am thankful.  I still can't get over how much it used to be all about the booze.  It makes me so sad.  I do not want to go there ever again.  I don't want to be that person anymore.

It really feels like this not drinking thing is something I can stand for.  It is something to believe in.  I have really seen it shift life in a positive direction for me.  It's like I'm really standing up for myself now that I'm not drinking, and as a result, I'm standing up for the important people in my life because I am better for this.

I have a lot to work on.  I have a lot of anger.  Over the years I've never found a way of releasing it so I guess substances helped push it away.  It comes out all the time now.  It began to emerge even before I stopped drinking, but removing the booze layer has also really exposed it.  I think my dad getting sick started the release.  That was just a powerful, very real thing that was incapable of hiding from, and hidden parts of me were unable to remain dormant/stuffed down.  I guess I was in denial about a lot of things as well.  I'm sure I still am.  I totally cannot hide from it now.  I get ashamed of my anger.  I often feel like an inadequate person and mother.

At least I'm aware of it and working to change it.  It needs to come out in healthier ways.  I am aiming to start nursing school this January and I think getting out of the house, furthering my education, working to better myself and the life I want my son to have, will really help loosen my sometimes tight grip on daily life.  I guess I get cooped up and have nowhere to put my frustration.  Of course in the past I would put it right into drinking.

Saturday and soon my son will be up from his nap and we will all go to a nearby town and hang out.  Then Mexican food later...mmm, my favorite :)...

A lot of times I write a positive blog and then at some point I do end up having an urge later in the day, so I want to share that.  I don't just walk away from the screen and it's rainbows and sunshine.  I need to remember to write if I can when those moments hit.  Thankfully they are not usually too powerful, long-lasting, or frequent.

Hope the weekend is treating you well and much love always.