40 Days

Hello out there. Just want to share that it's Day 41 today so I officially have 40 full days under the old sober belt. I've had a lot of random, weird thoughts about drinking and not drinking, but through it all, no alcohol. It doesn't really seem like many days but I appreciate each of them and am not trying to diminish them.

Lately I've noticed some heightened feelings of confidence and self-respect, which I am so grateful for. Not confident like "I've got it now, I'm a sober pro!" (faaaar from it). Just a little bit more general confidence in myself, my judgment, my heart. It's nice.

I've been trying to make it a point to write a post each day documenting some moment or feeling, however brief. It's been really good for me and has been helping me stay that much more accountable. It has also been helpful in processing/releasing some of my grief. Sending much support to all in recovery, in bereavement, and in between.

Keep Going

Such a hard day. A bunch of crazy things happened and were super tough to deal with. Found myself wanting the escape of alcohol. It really must have its claws in me. I felt myself whispering all about drinking, in my head. Drinking to cope. Drinking to ease the darkness. Yet..it passed. It truly did. I heard the voice. I understood why it called. I felt like giving in to it in some ways. Then I thought about how much I didn't want to drink. How I wanted to be a clear, sober presence. How I have made myself accountable to a few people. And the voice just..disappeared. And now I have no desire to drink. It's a good feeling. Riding along here. Still much to learn. Keep going. Life is good. Hard. But good.

Weekend Eve

Tired. No drinking. It's absolutely fine. Must be getting close to 40 days. I am doing it.

Tough

Bereavement class this evening.  I always get there just a bit prior so I can go to my dad's grave.  It was very difficult tonight.  On the way there I thought about coping with alcohol.  I felt like what did it matter.  Things would be low whether I did it or not, so why not do it.  Or why do it.  It's all kind of futile.  I know that's a pretty bleak thought.  It's just how how I felt.  I actually felt a little like drinking but not too extreme.  Then it passed.  Then I went to the class.  This class is attended by a large number of older folks, all women except for one man.  Almost everyone has lost their spouse.  It is insane thinking about losing my husband.  My grief is different for my dad.  There is a lot of pain in just simply losing him, but I am also haunted by the end and that part is overwhelmingly tough to deal with sometimes.  Anyway, I suspect many of these women do not drink.  Some of them do.  Some of them might drink more than I realize.  Who knows.  But if there are women who don't drink, I thought about how they just exist with the pain.  They just live each day alone.  It seems like a toughness in a way, like drinking is pointless.  So in a way, it helped me.  It's easier to drink.  I didn't today.  I guess I'm a little tough.

I Miss Him

Struggling a bit. I miss him so much.

It's Never Just One!

Feeling a little all over the place this morning. I had a nightmare before waking up and I guess that lingering terror just kicked the day off in a weird way. It's supposed to rain today but you'd never know it with the brilliant sun shining. Is it wrong to be disappointed with the light?? I'm in a little bit of a dark, stormy mood. Just want to snuggle in with my little guy and little dog. We'll get out for a bit, it'll probably do us good.

No drinking and no real cravings of note. I sigh a little thinking forever? Really? No glass of wine at Christmas? No bottle of beer at a baseball game? No champagne on New Year's?

The thing is, I've been there, done that, with every one of those circumstances.

It wasn't one glass of wine at Christmas, it was a mixture of wine and beer, coupled with stress and a crazy mix of food, leading to a swirly belly, headache, and disconnect from the holiday.

It wasn't one beer at the game, it was several, which translated to a lot more money spent, distraction from the game, more focus on the booze than anything, attempts to not plummet down the steep stairs that led to our seats, and of course, more drinking at home afterwards.

It wasn't one glass of champagne at New Year's, it was boozing all night with a mix of alcohols, waking up with a hangover on the first day of the new year, feeling regret, and the previous night apparently having been more about alcohol than anything else.

That seems to be the common thread. The alcohol taking center stage instead of the event itself. How weird and sad is that?

I think about forever a little wistfully at times, and then I think about the fact that I'm romanticizing the alcohol. Making it into a special and necessary aspect of the event. I am seeing that it absolutely is not. I just need to make that thought my new normal. I'm getting there.

I also think about living the rest of my life completely clean and sober and it brings me a little spark of excitement, and also peace. I imagine a clearer, healthier, more mature me and it makes me feel really good.

Upcoming Events

Hello out there! I just had a pretty awesome realization....April is coming to close and if I make it to May, it will have been an entirely sober April by choice.  I want to get there.  I refuse to get too confident or nonchalant about it because I know how quickly the urge to drink can swoop in and overtake my mind...even if that happens, I don't want to have any drinks because one will lead to more, I just know it.  Why wouldn't it?  In what universe would I just want one drink?  I need to accept that will never change about me.  Even if I think it has changed, I must remember that I don't want to risk it and that drinking is completely unnecessary.

Some upcoming things that I am looking forward to experiencing sober:

- the wedding of an extended family member
- family get-togethers
- hanging out with friends
- just random days of the week and weekends!

Some upcoming events that I'm a little nervous about:

- the year anniversary of my dad's death (for obvious reasons)
- my marriage anniversary (will it be hard not to "toast"?)

Just have to anticipate potentially difficult feelings and plan ahead about what I will do in those situations.  Hope all are well who may be reading this- take care.