Day 102: In My Heart, I Know

Calm yet productive day today. Had some moderation thoughts, nothing too serious. In my heart I know I should never drink again....in my head, I get a little mixed up. No desire to drink at all in present time, however. I had sad thoughts of past experiences and how much/often they relied on alcohol, how it was really all about the alcohol. I never want to be in that circumstance again. I never want to have an evening orchestrated purely for drinking and have human companionship secondary. What a lonely way to live. Not every gathering was like that, and the degree to which that was true shifted, but still. Feeling very glad to not be drinking and sending some positive vibes out to everyone. Much love.

Day 101: Beautiful Years Ahead

And just like that, I am into my 100's...feeling extremely good about this!  I absolutely do NOT want to become complacent- I want to continue not drinking, and continue enjoying not drinking.  It is so amazing to not be drinking my life away!  I am so sad to realize how long I've been living under a veil of substances.  20 years!  Wow.  Time for the next 20 years to be about ME, my family, my passions in life- not about stinky old booze, and the bummer etceteras that go along with it.  I want to make these years count.  I do not need alcohol in my life anymore!!!  Must keep that close to my heart!  Much love to all.

Day 100: YAY!!! :)

I am so happy to be at Day 100! It really feels unbelievable.  At the beginning, I thought, wow, how the heck am I ever going to make it to Day 100?  It seems sooooooo far away.  It has been tough at some points.  This is always something I have deeply wanted so I really tried, and as time went on I felt better and better.  I have only had one serious/dangerous craving that I thought might break me.  It was at the beginning and nothing like that has ever happened again (thank goodness).  I think it was good that it happened because it was like a little sober rock bottom for me and really helped solidify my desire to keep going.

I have read people say that the sober days just start racking up, and you know they really have for me.  Somewhere around Day 40 they just started breezing along.  Urges here and there but nothing truly tempting.  It has helped to have support of my husband.  It has helped reading others' journeys, having the support of sober comrades like Un-Tipsy Teacher and Habit Done, and going to AA meetings.  It has helped to blog.  I've developed a new love of fun drinks, particularly lemon juice and seltzer and variations of that, maybe some cranberry juice splashed in, a little lime juice.  The lemon is such a good tart zing for me. Before I never understood non-alcoholic drinks- it was like, why bother when there's booze in the world!  Now I love them.  I have no problem buying them because they are good for me and help me, and also much cheaper than alcohol.

As an added bonus, I've officially lost 10 pounds from when I started, and I am thrilled with that because it is from cutting out alcohol- I certainly haven't been cutting out treats!  It's really just not drinking.  I am not boozy, puffy, bummed out, exhausted old me.  I am slightly leaner, happier, clearer new me.

I love not drinking because I am no longer a slave to drinking.  I have more self-respect now.  If I go out to a function I know that I will have some social awkwardness, but it will have nothing to do with alcohol.  If I do something goofy or make a mistake with my little guy, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  If I deal with grief, celebrate life, move through the day to day, it has nothing to do with alcohol.  I am truly inhabiting my own life again.  I am going to keep going.  Much love to every single person out there moving along in their journey toward inhabiting their own life as well.

Day 99: Eve of Triple Digits

Just a brief note to say I am thankful to be here and I have to keep going.  Much love.

Day 98: The Sober Unicycle

I am caught up in so much classwork and it's been a challenge because we have found our spare time limited throughout most of June for various reasons.  Regardless, I am very happy to find myself at Day 98.  I am thankful for so much of these past days and as I look closer and closer at my approaching Day 100, I feel so good to have come this far.  It has helped writing each and every day.  Some days, particularly early on, I think the writing saved me from getting into too dark of a place, mentally.  Even when I don't have much to say, writing each day to check in with myself has been a really healthy step for me and has helped support this journey.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to begin their sober journey.  It doesn't have to be anything profound or world-altering every day (or at all).  Even just "I feel like crap" or "What an awesome day" has helped me process and move along and be successful (so far).  Handwritten, typing, journal, blog, anonymous, whatever works for you.  I have found that, for me, I am less self-conscious when I type vs when I write by hand (although I have always longed to be a handwritten journal kind of person....it seems so much more romantic, but I just never stick with it...and I have come to accept that this IS working...)

Just wanted to mention also that I attended a wedding today- no reception for us though because of our little guy and the time.  It would have been nice to attend my first sober wedding reception, but hey, another time.  I will hopefully have a long life and many more receptions to attend and enjoy sober.  The wedding was really lovely by the way (when isn't a wedding lovely?).  In the old days I probably would have been focused on the stress and longing for a "relaxing" drink after the hubbub. I am finding that I am getting closer to the person I want to be now that I have eliminated alcohol from my equation.  I still have a really long way to go, though.  Let me keep learning, keep building my patience and love, and keep riding steadily on this sober unicycle.

Day 97: Brief Escape

Big old day- soldiered through and had an urge that faded quickly.  I stripped it bare, seeing it for what it was- a blatant mental cry for brief escape.  I get into trouble when I think "who cares, I should be able to escape, this is hard to deal with..."  As always, we all know that a brief escape (aka: a glass of wine or a beer, aka: the elusive one drink) doesn't exist for me.  Today's slippery urge never grew into anything very strong and only lasted for, at most, a couple of minutes.  Sometimes when it happens, I just let myself indulge in it, because inevitably I always lead myself back to "not a good idea..." and quickly following that is no longer desiring it.  I like that very much.  Hope all are well out there.

Day 96: RIP Ralph Stanley

Still subdued from yesterday but no urges to write home about. Sad to hear of Ralph Stanley's passing. Such an incredibly gifted soul. My husband and I saw him a couple of years ago at an intimate show. It was fantastic.

Tonight I made a cranberry/lemon/lime juice on ice...I consume so much Vitamin C lately that scurvy stands no chance against sober me!

Sleep now and silent love to all in need.

Day 95: Love and Loss

Today my mom's beloved old dog had to be put to sleep.  I accompanied them to the vet and stayed with them throughout.  Although the dog was very clearly at the end of her days, it of course does not make the process any easier.  I felt so, so bad for my mom.  She is aching right now.  Driving myself home I had a brief craving...wouldn't it have made things a bit more relaxed and less raw..just a deep breath out for my body and soul, in a glass.  This passed, and pretty quickly.  It is not a real breath out.  It's actually the opposite.  It's a deep breath in.  A held breath.  It's so tricky.  The pain isn't released at all- it hibernates.  And I can experience a different type of deep breath out- a real live deep breath out!  A beautiful, mindful in...and out....and I can do it again, and again, and I won't have a hangover or lose respect in myself, etc.  Later I was driving home from class seeing liquor store after liquor store, so thankful that I don't "have" to go inside those places anymore.  Before, I had to.  Absolutely.  I don't just mean in the practical sense.  It was my duty.  My duty to the slippery eel.  Determined drinking, as Mrs. D has characterized it.  I hope all are well and send much love to every single one of you.

Day 94: The Slippery Eel

Wow. Just seeing the number 94 typed out is enough to put a smile on my face.  I had a big craving today, in the middle of the afternoon.  Stressing and upset about dad stuff, a difficult thing my mom is dealing with, other things, and then bam!  The urge slid in my thoughts like a slippery little eel.  It sucked.  Part of me wanted a drink at that time, to dull the pain/escape the tough stuff.  The more rational part of me didn't want it at that moment because it was the middle of the day (hasn't stopped me in the past, pre-baby) and I am a responsible mother looking after an infant, so it didn't appeal to me then.  What was hard was that I wanted it :"in the future".  I whined about it a little in my head.  Really?  No drinking?  Surely I will drink at some point down the line and I'll be fine.  I'll be fine!  I can take this time to heart and be mindful about my habits and see my patterns, and then down the line, I can moderate.  I can drink like a "normal person" (what is normal?...why is drinking normal?).  All of that and more slithered around my head.  Then I got distracted with stuff I needed to do, and what do you know?  It faded and I completely forgot about it.  Then later I remembered and shared it with my husband, and I realized it had returned a bit, but not in too major of a way, and the more I talked about it, the more I saw that it was ridiculous.  I can't do the one drink thing!  When am I going to get that!  I have that mystical one drink down the road, and I know it is my dark key.  The key that will unlock the booze door.  Booze is officially my slippery eel.  I love not drinking.  Really and truly.  I can deal with little urges here and there.  I just need to keep my supports in place, not give up on myself, and enjoy life, because it really is so much better now.  Much love to you always.

Day 93: Keep Going

Some tough stuff today. Did not think of coping with booze. I just want to keep going. Sending much support to all who are in the midst of coming to terms with their personal substance struggles. Let us all keep going. Much love to you.

Day 92: This Will Always Be My "Thing"

I can't believe I'm in the 90's. This seemed so far out when I first began this journey.  Now all of a sudden, here I am.  Unbelievable.  Not one drop of alcohol, all by choice.  When I first started, I thought well, I am really going to try this.  Sincerely.  I want to get to 100 days, and I'd like to blog every single day, compelling or mundane.  Yet, the little doubting/addicted voice inside my head said, well, if you give in and drink, you can just shut your blog down.  Who would know or care.  No one reads it.  This is for you.  You'd be embarrassed and instead of sharing, you could just run away with your bottle.  That is so far from where I am now.  It's awful to admit that is what I thought, but it's true.  I got hits here and there, probably mistakes or just computer engines humming or something.  Nobody responded, so I thought, ehh, whatever.  Then a few folks *did* comment.  They said, hey, you are doing great, keep it up.  And I thought, oh my, well I don't want to let them down, and more importantly, don't want to let myself down.  I don't want to be a coward.  So I determined at some point that if I relapsed, I would continue to blog.  I would share that experience.  I would want to read that if I were someone in the world interested in these types of issues, which I am, and have read those stories on several blogs.  I find it very brave to be honest and just be real with yourself and share.  So I decided I would not run away.  And then more time had passed, and I've begun to forget about the relapse fear.  I hardly think about it anymore.  I am mindful of supporting my sobriety, and I am very early yet.  I know this.  But I don't obsess about relapsing.  And wouldn't you know here I am on Day 92, no booze in sight.  It's great.  Quite an accomplishment thus far.  It will never be over, I understand this.  I will always need to be mindful that this is my thing.  I need to be aware that there may come a sad time in the future that I do decide to drink.  That would be hard.  But I hope to keep moving forward because I truly love living this way and since there is no "just one" for me, I need to cut it out completely.  Initially, I didn't think deep down this would be forever.  Now I would like for it to be forever.  I've gained more insight into my whole thing with drinking and realize none at all is the wisest, healthiest, and most fun option.  Hooray for not being a slave to booze!  Much love to you always.

Day 91: Father's Day

Where have the days been going? Time is moving along. A tough day today but also had some really beautiful moments with my family. Morning found the three of us enjoying time together with at a playground under shady trees. Later a lovely  extended family lunch and then home just us three, cooking veggie dogs on the grill and watching our sweet dog frolick. So grateful to not be stuck in an endless cycle of drinking. Drinking could have killed so many of these quiet, private moments I cherish. I am starting to close in on 100 days. How strange. I love it. I hurt so much missing my dad but he was a wonderful father and I honor his memory every day in the love I give my son. Much love.

Day 90: Empowered and Alive

Wow, Day 90.  Very cool.  Went to a nice afternoon family party today and was completely unfazed by the alcohol available.  Truly didn't think twice about it!  Didn't miss it, didn't need it.  Later when our little guy woke up crying I was completely with it and immediately comforted him with soothing and kisses and rocking.  He went back to sleep and I wanted to cry because he is so sweet and I hate seeing him upset.  I am so glad to not be drinking anymore for so many reasons, but by far one of the biggest ones is to be there 100% for my son doing the best I am able, completely sober.  I make mistakes and will never be the elusive "perfect mom", but I want none of those mistakes to be due to alcohol.  It is really empowering taking control of my life and saying, this isn't working, it is making things worse, this must stop, and stopping it.  I am truly living now.  I love this.  Much love to everyone.

Day 89: I Have My Life Back

So glad to not be on the booze treadmill (as Mrs. D called it) anymore. I am just so thankful for this. I hardly ever think about alcohol anymore. Before it was a cycle of the same thoughts surrounding alcohol. I am only on the eve of my 90th day, and that still seems very early. So I am just moving along here. I still have all the mess and joy of life now, but it is like I have my life back. It is major.

Day 88: 100% Sober, 100% Glad

It is so amazing how infrequently I think about drinking these days.  I hate how much time I used to spend obsessing about alcohol!  I'm certainly not contemplating the great mysteries of the universe constantly now or anything, but I am thrilled not thinking thinking thinking about drinking drinking drinking!  It is so nice not going to the liquor store.  So nice being clear and aware in my class.  So, so nice being 100% sober around my little guy.  I love that more than anything.  I want him to grow up in a substance-less home.  No "glamorous" wine drinking, no beer-swigging watching baseball games, just life lived without getting messed up in any way.  Have that be his normal.  It is normal for so many individuals, why not him?  Why not me?  Getting there.  Much love.

Day 87: Yin and Yang

I have a craving....not for booze.  To attend a meeting.  I guess I'm getting close to 90 days and I just feel like sitting in a room with some assorted folks on Day 1 or Day 1001 and exist together in this thing called sobriety.  I'm not having a desire to drink, not feeling "weak".  It's funny about feeling weak vs. strong, by the way.  They absolutely go hand-in-hand.  One cannot exist without the other.  I haven't been feeling particularly weak or strong- just...normal.  Like not drinking is not as much of a "thing" anymore.  Some moments I am more mindful and feel empowered, or strong.  Some moments I yearn and feel weak.  The magic of new normal has been life-changing and ordinary all at once.  An extremely positive life choice moving forward and a return to the state of being I had prior to beginning my habits.  Thinking deeply with much love and support to all in the wake of the tragedy in Orlando.

Day 86: What If

What if.... I get too complacent in my sobriety and decide I can have a drink down the line?

What if.... I consume something with alcohol in it *accidentally*, like a food or a medicine, and that leads me down the booze path?

What if..... I let everyone I love down by resuming drinking and taking it farther than I even thought possible?

What if...... something unthinkable happens and I turn to drinking "for comfort"?

What if..... I can't do this?


I have to have faith in the same answer to all of these questions: All I have to do is be mindful, be confident in this positive life choice, and most of all, be sober.  That's it.  I'm getting there.  Much love.

Day 85: The New Days

Good morning to you.  I was so, so sad to hear about the terror and death in Orlando.  I wish every single person involved peace and much support moving forward.  Although yesterday was filled with a lot of darkness, in our home we were so blessed to have light as well because it was a really big celebratory day for my family and I.  If it were "the old days", I would have probably woken up semi-hungover after having imbibed too much Saturday evening, dragged around for the morning, not been as productive, started drinking earlier than I would have liked to "celebrate" the day, let the dishes sit in the sink, not been as together and on my game, been sleepy earlier, you get the drift.  Instead, it's "the new days", and I woke up with zero hangover, got to Quaker meeting with my family, tidied the house, made stuffed shells and Angel Food cake, tended to our little guy, welcomed family guests, helped keep the house buzzing with festivities, cleaned up after all left, tucked our guy into bed, and enjoyed dusk in the backyard with my husband watching our little crazy dog run around chasing bugs.  I say these things to reflect on the day and also to remind myself how much I am capable of and how much easier it is to get things done, participate in LIFE, and enjoy the process, while not drinking.  I am so much happier not drinking.  Can't believe it's 15 days until Day 100.  Much love everyone.

Day 84: Dark Day

Devastating attack in Orlando. Much love to all in the wake of this tragedy.

Day 83: I'm Still Sober, And It Still Rules

Tomorrow is going to be a big day and I am just thankful I won't have a hangover to kick the morning off with since tonight marks another Saturday night spent boozeless. I don't even miss it. You never know when an urge/craving/yearning/thought will strike, but really for me it is increasingly manageable. Some days I don't even feel I need to share how it's going, because it's just..good. However, I want to hit 100 days with a post every day, documenting the time and the ups and downs. I think it's important for me to stay aware, process things, so I can move on stronger and more secure, and post when more meaningful moments happen (good or bad). I hope to make it to that point. Until then, you can find me here, typing away, each word as sober as the last. Mucho love.

Day 82: The Booze Veil

I've been trying to study like a sober madwoman and keep ahead of the material because this class is challenging!  Oh, but it is so incredibly, absolutely fascinating, too.  I am in love with it. I am so happy to be in this class while not drinking.  It will help me be so much more focused, help me to retain information better, help keep me connected to my goals, keep me dedicated.  I want to get through nursing school completely sober- how cool and appropriate would that be??

It feels SO good to not be boozing through life.  The booze veil was lifted when I stopped drinking and I really feel like a different person, woman, mother...existence is being experienced as it was meant to.  I hate admitting it but I had forgotten what it meant to live life unaltered.  Isn't that so sad?  Life came to be naturally paired with SOMETHING chemical.  Why did that happen?  How?  I think I'm a pretty reasonable gal....but there was no reason to that at all.  It took over, very quickly if I remember.  My switch was flipped.  And now here I am..Day 82...slowly but surely doing it.  This is truly what is best for myself and my world.  With much love to all and a very happy weekend to you, I wish you well in your travels, whether old-time sober, newly sober, almost sober, contemplating sober, or happily non-sober.

Day 81: Chugging Along

The moderation fallacy is so real for me...I still find it odd to not have a desire to drink currently, but a strange future desire, hanging in the distance, the "dream" of drinking here and there, casually, a holiday, who knows.  All I need to do to gain insight into this is to see two steps ahead of that and see the inevitable spiral.  I do NOT want to go back to the alcohol "treadmill" (as I believe Mrs. D called it).  Having the one here and there sounds so normal.  It's like the whole world does that....except that is so not true.  There are many parts to this world- some of them are filled with "just the one" drinkers, some are heavy drinkers, some are non-drinkers.  There really is no normal.  I do not need to drink to relax or celebrate or commiserate.  It's just simply not necessary.  Not only that, I know it will lead to unlocking the boozier side of me and I'd go back to drinking more than I want to.  I am getting there.  Sending much love to all.

Day 80: Newsflash- Moderation: Still Not Gonna Happen

And just like that, I'm into the 80's...honestly couldn't really comprehend getting to this point, yet here I am.  Moving along, living my life.  It is so funny- you never do know when a thought or urge may tickle you.  I had my class last night and the professor said something about drinking in relation to the upcoming 4th of July holiday, and I thought, huh, I won't be doing that.  Then the thoughts of being able to moderate some time along down the line starting waltzing in.  Then I just heard those thoughts and was like...wait, I can't do that.  It is a lie!  For me, it's a lie.  Through and through.  And then I felt a little better.  Then I felt a lot better!  Still making my way.  Very thankful.  Much love to all.

Day 79: Tiny Strength Mountain

So...tonight I begin a summer class which is a taking prerequisite for applying to nursing school.  Very excited about this.  Nervous because I know it is going to be a huge challenge with my tiny man, but you know what?  I was able to make it through when my dad was sick, so I know I can do this.  I don't normally say things like that- usually my self-confidence is a little lacking.  But going through everything with my dad, handling every single medical, financial, legal, logistical, and of course emotional issue on my own (with support from loved ones of course, but still, it was my responsibility to do things- which I was absolutely willing to do of course), that entire sequence of events altered me forever.  I have a pit of loss within me, but I also have a little mountain of strength.  This absolutely can relate to how I feel with having stopped drinking (of course, not as intense, but still).  It has given me confidence.  I am still shaky at times...but I am DOING it. Each day adds a tiny bit to my strength mountain.  So I know that if I can get through that other stuff, I can get through classes and hopefully get into nursing school, and then hopefully-hopefully, become a dedicated, competent, compassionate nurse.  That is a true goal of mine.  I haven't have many goals in my life, so this is very important to me.  Much love always.

Day 78: Huge Beauty

Went to the park this evening with my guys. I love going there. Tons of folks just doing their thing...walking, jogging, playing with their kids, walking their dogs, playing softball.. It feels so good being around that positive activity. I'm doing more now that I'm not drinking. I like life more. I thought I was happy drinking but I am happier now. This is something I need to remember. The drinking is really only fun for a small percentage of the time..the rest of the time is a drag. For me, dealing with the small bummers of not drinking are worth it to enjoy the huge beauty of being sober. I am getting it.

Day 77: Super Quick

About to go to sleep, but I just wanted to briefly mention that I love not drinking and the fact that not drinking is my new normal. I feel such relief. There is more to life than booze.

Day 76: Wait, I DON'T Need To Drink At A Party??

Big night! First time hanging with a group of friends who were drinking (since I've stopped). Thought it may be a bit tough...possible triggers or cravings, possible poor-me thoughts...I had no idea where the old mind might wander. You know what?  It was completely fine!  I had a great time. I didn't miss drinking at all, except for one brief time that was fleeting and really not strong at all. It just popped in, and I popped it right out. I think it was a habit or knee-jerk reaction more than anything.

A night like tonight usually would have been spent hitting it a little hard, probably harder than most other folks there. It would have been all about the wonderful company, but also would have definitely been about the drinking (for me). It's weird and sad realizing how many experiences of my life have been consumed by drinking. I witnessed what I've read other newly sober people have experienced, and that was other people don't drink as much as I did!  Jeez, people must have really thought I was a lush. It's embarassing.

Tonight I was offered booze and "Oh, no thank you, I quit drinking" just rolled off my tongue. It was so not a big deal. I remember thinking that it would be. I obsessed about it.  And it just came very naturally. I didn't explain, didn't feel the need to, no one inquired further, and it was just...cool. Like, oh, okay, next topic.  I'm sure it was a surprise to them (WHAT?! You stopped drinking? YOU??) but all was well and went very smoothly. Blessed to have dear friends that I love so much and who make me feel comfortable in this way.

Day 75: Sobertastic

Whoa, Day 75!  How did that happen?  That is actually starting to sound close to 100, which was my initial sober goal.  Of course, now my sober goal is a little further out (the entirety of my LIFE- ahh!)..but this feels good.

I think the reason why I've had some trouble identifying myself as a sober person is because I'm scared I will fail.  Like, oh, you were "sober" and now you're drinking again, big surprise there.  But who would say that?  I haven't thought that about other people I've heard that stopped and resumed.  No way.  I guess it would be me thinking that.  I have been taking this very seriously and I don't want to mess it up at all.  I honestly haven't even been drawn to AF wine or AF beer, because it seems too close to the real thing.  This is nothing against folks who enjoy these types of drinks, by the way.  I can see them being a really good alternative, especially if there is a craving afoot.  For me, it's just too close, at least right now.  As far as my sobriety, I think  I am all in on this.  So I may as well tell anyone who inquires, because I am committed.  Maybe I was scared to admit that before (again, scared to fail).

I had a random urge last night.  I don't remember it being triggered by anything- I really need to pay attention to that.  But I wasn't moping around, I think I was in a fine mood.  And then BOOM, a longing to drink.  I had it, I sat with it, I knew I wasn't going to, that frustrated me, then it passed and I was back to my old (new) self...sober and happy.  These urges do not disappear, and they are a tricky lot, but I can definitely say they have lessened in both intensity and frequency.  Thank the sober stars!

In other news, I believe I've lost almost 10 pounds.  I put on one or two because I made these butter-tastic cookies the other day and ate about a dozen (not an exaggeration), but still.  The booze weight does come off!  And who cares if I eat a dozen cookies.  I don't do that every day, and dang it, I haven't drank for 75 days- that is huge for me!  Anything is better than drinking...within reason :).  Much love to all and a very happy Friday to you.

Day 74: Unflipping the Party Switch

It's funny to consider myself a non-drinker.  Good funny.  Before I would hear about folks taking breaks/stopping drinking/living sober, and I thought, huh, now those are concepts I just don't understand.  I guess I assumed I would always be a drinker or a (tame) party gal.  Having the "party switch" available to be flipped basically any time I chose for such a long time created a little monster in my head.  I basically did what I wanted, when I wanted.  When I got into my thirties, things slowed down, but I definitely still had my binges from time to time.  When I was pregnant, it was so easy to not drink- I loved it and I felt (mostly) fantastic.  Now that I have stopped drinking of my own accord and through personal heartfelt decision, I feel a different sense of self and kind of re-born.  Caring for my dad and then losing him was life-altering.  Having my son has been life-altering.  Getting sober has been life-altering.  I still feel so early days and it makes me a tad uncomfortable saying I'm sober, because it's like, who am I?  Day 74?  Very early.  I have a long way to go.  I really want this to continue. Not taking any day for granted.  I am doing it, though.  I have been relieved to see that drinking does not have to be forever!  It is not a life sentence!  It's exhilarating to see this.

The time I have had, mostly at home, has created a really good foundation for continuing my sober journey.  I've had a lot of time to think, to talk with my husband, to see what is and is not a trigger, and to get comfortable in my new sober skin.  I feel more equipped to handle events, other people, and the like.  This is just me- I think some people find it very helpful to got right on out there and just do what they would always do, without the alcohol.  It's different for me because we have our little dude, and don't go out to eat or hang with friends much these days.  I think this has been a blessing.  I have no real fear to do any of those things now.  In fact, we are seeing friends this weekend and I am very excited.  Looking forward to hanging out sober and driving home sober.  It is awesome.  These are friends we used to drink with, and who I assume will be drinking this upcoming evening.  It's all good.  Another weekend approaching and it will be boozeless- I love this new normal.

Day 73: Photographs

I was drawn to a photo album tonight. Seeing those pictures brought up a lot. I saw myself younger, living very much for the day to day, having few passions, no real goals. My only focus for so much of that time was getting fucked up. It hurts saying that but it is very true. I don't think I even understood what I was doing. Certainly not where it could take me. I am very lucky I didn't get into more trouble. I was very young. I have no idea if I was running from something or running toward something. I have a different life now and I am thankful for it every day.