Day 67: Sober Eyes

I have a picture of my little guy and myself at the park that my mother-in-law took in March.  It was a really beautiful day and I was 8 days sober I think.  I just love the picture so much.  I look happy and clear and peaceful.  That is how I felt.  Only myself and my husband knew about my stopping drinking, and it was (and mostly still is) a very lovely, private thing that continues to build in strength with each new day.  I love looking at the camera with sober eyes- I love these pictures of myself with a non-boozy brightness.  I am so thankful to not be drinking anymore.  It is so completely unnecessary for my life.  I did not see that before.  I am really beginning to see it now (again, with sober sight).  I just don't need it at all, and this not needing translates to not wanting, and vice versa.  This is so empowering.

I think SoberMummy spoke about the heaviness around being called an alcoholic, particularly for a mother.  I think this is why I don't want to be labeled that.  I have been a mother for such a short period of time, and I don't want to be labelled an alcoholic mom.  That makes me feel so, so down.  It's like, if you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic whether you are drinking or you're not drinking. Plus, you are an alcoholic for LIFE.  It's like a neon sign flashing above you whenever you are asked if you want a drink or are in some boozy situation- ALCOHOLIC!! ALCOHOLIC!!  I guess some people say recovering alcoholic, or reformed, or what not.  I would like to continue thinking that I am not alcoholic- I am a non-drinker.  This is a Jason Vale thing, if I remember.  Is it a cop out?  Who knows?  Who cares?  It's my life.  As long as I'm not drinking I feel like I'm entitled to call myself whatever the heck I want.  There is so much more to me than just drinking too much, or stopping drinking too much.

You know, I just thought of something else.  A while back, I stopped smoking pot, stopped smoking cigarettes, stopped doing other teenage drug things, and I don't consider myself to be a potoholic, cigaretteoholic, drugoholic.  I am just someone who doesn't do those things.  I don't think of myself as an addict, or ex-addict, or ex-smoker.  This is also a little Jason Vale-y.  But I have complete comfort in just saying I don't do that.  So I want to lump alcohol in there, too.  I just don't do it.  And it's very cool.