Continuing to feel like I don't want or need to drink right now but I contemplate the future and just wonder. I haven't had any "tests" really. Maybe Easter? Maybe every night. No drinking thus far. Love that I haven't smoked either. I really did a great job of quitting but every now and then (while drinking) I would smoke. Really don't want to do that at all. Must relate that to my drinking as well and keep it high in my head and heart. Had a nice discussion about drinking with my husband. Heard myself talking about "the future" and how in some occasions I would like to have a drink but explained (to him? to me?) that it would not be just one drink. It really has never been just one drink. So that scares me about having/trying "one" in later times. Makes me really not want any at all. Like ever. Enjoyed a fantasy of myself completely sober and bright with my son at all future events and felt warmth in that thought. Any image of drinking in his presence in the future scares me. I have done it in his life and it has completely depressed me. Perhaps the most important thing for me to do is to completely fucking stop drinking. For myself, for my son, for life. Get myself together. I have been a mess for years. I think I am desperate to be clean.
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