Big night, in a way. Dinner with my dear buddy and no cravings while eating.... but before and after, thoughts of "the future" hovered. Driving home I had a pang, normally I would be stopping to pick up something to drink for my husband and I. Maybe even partly out of weird obligation, to my habit. Addiction. Ugh. Depressing. Felt sad at not stopping. Then felt good and proud about it. Went and got my car washed at 8:30pm like a lunatic. Got home and felt so happy to see my husband. I always am, but was so happy to be embracing him soberly. Had a really sincere, open talk with him about my issues, dysfunction, all of it. It was so good to talk about it candidly and I am so lucky that we can communicate with each other like that. We trust each other implicitly. The future is still there...however today was good. A victory. I feel like this next phase of my life should be different. I need to grow up. Move on. It is hard. I wish it wasn't but it really fucking is. So glad to go to sleep having had no drinks at all today, instead of one quick first one, inevitable second, likely third, headache for tomorrow morning, shitty feelings, regret, guilt, fear. Fear. Where is it going, my drinking? No, tonight it is melancholy, peace, happiness, sadness, grief, pride, excitement, longing, curiosity. I look forward to waking with no hangover because tomorrow is Easter and is most definitely a big day. I wonder who I am sober.
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