Duoblog

Things are good. Tough. Drinking-wise I feel pretty awesome. It's just very difficult during some moments of the day when grief bleeds in. I am haunted by memories of the end. Where are the memories of before? They must be here somewhere. I long to be at the point where I don't need to conjure them anymore. The point where my default is happiness and laughing and loving connection thoughts of my dad and our time together. Not every deeply sad moment of the end. I guess this blog is turning into a simultaneous quitting drinking and grief blog. Good times. Reading "Beautiful Unbroken" right now. 2/3 of the way through. It is a touching, terrifying, thoughtful read. Very hard to get through sometimes. I have read more in the past week than I have all year I think. I am keeping tidier, taking better care of myself, more conscious (if that is possible??), planted a bunch of seeds, got my nursing study book, de-cluttered, and I am learning Spanish on my Duolingo app. Life is pretty cool! Besides the soul-crushing pain of course! It really is great to be sober. Still kind of getting used to the idea. It sounds kind of sad to say that, but when it has been as long as it has where I was completely unaccountable, just basically doing whatever I wanted to my body and mind, I guess it's natural for this to be an adjustment. I was in the shower this morning and I was suddenly equating drinking with smoking. It felt like a great association. Smoking is so horrible and I want no part of it any longer, and I have been able to successfully quit without looking back, totally don't miss it ever, and I think drinking should be the same way. I should establish and maintain the same mindset and relationship. If I yearn for a drink at all I should remember that it's nothing to miss, that I am happier without it, and that I am free now. The trap, as Carr called it. That is totally what it was. This has all really been helping, although I've been blessed with not having too much in the way of craving at all. Sending much support out to those stopping their addictions and those grieving and those in the midst of both.