Cool. Today is done. Is this forever? I'm kind of anxious at the thought, sad that I'm anxious about it, slightly excited at the thought as well. It's just complicated. I feel like I am seeing it a bit more clearly. Even when I quit drinking while I was pregnant, I felt really fantastic but it happened because I had to, not because I wanted to. Or because I needed to. I'm seeing my casual yet determined attitude about drinking a little differently. Many years of this. Really such a sad long time. It's understandable that this would be difficult. I do kind of want to embrace forever but I am scared for some depressing reason. Again, at least for now I must remember that it's not just the one celebratory drink way down the line. It's really not just one for me. Perhaps one (obsessively experienced) that evening..but likely more another night and then fuck, back to shadow and habit and everything. Is this a huge thing I am doing? I feel sort of like I threw myself off the side of a boat and I'm aware that I'm hanging in mid-air but I am not falling. Maybe this is the end and I didn't even know it. Some part of me was just like FUCK THIS!!!!! almost subconsciously. Deep breath. I should probably try going to a meeting some time soon. No hangover tomorrow morning. No prehangover tonight. One week done. I am happy. Miss my dad like hell.
No comments:
Post a Comment