It's Never Just One!

Feeling a little all over the place this morning. I had a nightmare before waking up and I guess that lingering terror just kicked the day off in a weird way. It's supposed to rain today but you'd never know it with the brilliant sun shining. Is it wrong to be disappointed with the light?? I'm in a little bit of a dark, stormy mood. Just want to snuggle in with my little guy and little dog. We'll get out for a bit, it'll probably do us good.

No drinking and no real cravings of note. I sigh a little thinking forever? Really? No glass of wine at Christmas? No bottle of beer at a baseball game? No champagne on New Year's?

The thing is, I've been there, done that, with every one of those circumstances.

It wasn't one glass of wine at Christmas, it was a mixture of wine and beer, coupled with stress and a crazy mix of food, leading to a swirly belly, headache, and disconnect from the holiday.

It wasn't one beer at the game, it was several, which translated to a lot more money spent, distraction from the game, more focus on the booze than anything, attempts to not plummet down the steep stairs that led to our seats, and of course, more drinking at home afterwards.

It wasn't one glass of champagne at New Year's, it was boozing all night with a mix of alcohols, waking up with a hangover on the first day of the new year, feeling regret, and the previous night apparently having been more about alcohol than anything else.

That seems to be the common thread. The alcohol taking center stage instead of the event itself. How weird and sad is that?

I think about forever a little wistfully at times, and then I think about the fact that I'm romanticizing the alcohol. Making it into a special and necessary aspect of the event. I am seeing that it absolutely is not. I just need to make that thought my new normal. I'm getting there.

I also think about living the rest of my life completely clean and sober and it brings me a little spark of excitement, and also peace. I imagine a clearer, healthier, more mature me and it makes me feel really good.