I Remain

Exhausted from a big day today.  Struggled with some pretty heavy feelings of regret and grief about my dad.  It is extremely difficult to grasp the reality that he is gone forever.  It is still so unbelievable.  The enormous future without him is so unfortunate and heartbreaking.  The loss of him is never going to change and never going to leave me.

I did have some thoughts about drinking, but I will say that they were managed well.  I found myself wanting to disappear into drinking, and then found myself seeing that it would really just make things worse.  It would blur/numb things for awhile, which was (and is) appealing, but then I would probably start feeling worse, then feel bad in the morning, with the loss still there.  The cravings were not anything overpowering.  I really appreciate that because it makes me feel like maybe they are not changing, but I am the one changing.  They are probably just the same as always, but I am becoming more equipped to ride them out.  They always disappear.  They come, they go, and I remain.

Something that helped later in the day was having a really open, honest conversation with my husband about a bunch of things that have been on my mind, mostly about my dad.  I am so lucky to have him- he is my best friend and truly my soulmate.  We went for a walk at the park this evening with our little guy and it was absolutely beautiful out.  It was so soothing.  I still have some really deep sadness right now, but it really helped spending time with my family.  It is a great feeling living each day clearly.  I have not had this in a long time.