Still struggling with the other night but my husband's immediate forgiveness and compassion fill me with gratitude. I felt raw and cut wide open that night. He has been with me through so much. He shows me what love really is time after time. I only hope to be able to be there for him as well. I hope he never has to deal with this kind of pain. I am so glad to have not had alcohol on Saturday. I feel ashamed, like my husband kept me from drinking and now this part almost doesn't count. It's like I drank, just not in the physical world. I wasn't the one to make myself stop. I feel like I cheated. But I guess I could have gone out and gotten something myself, which I didn't. The compulsion to drink left when he came home and it hasn't been back. I don't know how to deal with the penetrating darkness when it hits. I am so afraid of it. It overtakes me. I understand wanting a tiny escape at the time with a drink. It does seem to help. It smooths. But I am coming to understand that it really doesn't. It's just something I have used since I was a young teenager. I don't deal with a lot of stuff, I am cominh to see. Stuff lingers and haunts. It has been hard to get that I have issues with substances because I don't get hammered every night. It is just a steady compulsive consumption. I had my first "drinking dream" last night. I had espresso, then whiskey I think? I forget the context now. Rarely drank whiskey and I think I have had espresso once in my life......weird.
No comments:
Post a Comment