The "Bad Memory" List Grows Longer

Been struggling today. Not with wanting to drink (thank goodness), but with evaluating my place on the sphere of drinking. It has been a continued steady and often unhealthy drinking that has come to bother me. I have realized I really need to think critically about it. So many times I have just mindlessly had drinks (and other  stuff earlier on). Why mindlessly?  I don't have the answer yet. Easier to not think about it? Social acceptance and/or pressure? Coping? Naivety? Either way, I have been thinking about how I haven't been "that bad". Not that the thought makes me want to drink, but it makes me nervous for the future, potentially leading down the line to thinking "eh, I can handle it now". Anyway, I was just overcome with two sad memories of my unhealthy side of drinking. I want to share to remind myself, yes, I have a drinking problem:

- A few times here and there in the span of my drinking, I drank in the morning. I think those times were a symptom of depression. I don't remember getting drunk, but a beer or two before noon, and I think in one or two cases, before 9 or 10am. I'd forgotten about that. Haven't done that in several years. But still, I remember recognizing it was a problem and just doing it anyway.

- I got drunk (unintentionally- is that possible?) one night several years ago and had to drive home (had to?). I had been visiting with two old-time drinking friends, who I hadn't seen in a long time. It got late. I was a little over an hour away from home. I remember getting behind the wheel and just feeling drunk. I slowly made my way through the unfamiliar neighborhood. Got lost. Found my way to the highway. Pulled off at some point at a gas station to use the restroom. There was only one other person there, the attendant. I remember feeling vulnerable and him saying something that made me uncomfortable. Got back on the road as quickly as possible. Thankfully got home safely with no injury to myself or anyone. How horrible. It is chilling to think about all of the possibilities of what could have happened. My poor judgement, dangerous and reckless attitude, and utter stupidity make me very sick and upset.

So. I must keep adding to the bad memory list. It's depressing but necessary and of course I know there is more I am forgetting.